Kidney Transplant on August 5th 2021

 Today, November 5th. Marked the three month mark since my kidney transplant on August 5th 2021. 

The road to recovery has been an uphill battle. Through the unconditional love and support from family and I've survived those most challenging moments post-transplant.

I've been meaning to blog earlier and most importantly - more often. My mind and body has to be in a good space in order to write optimistically - which is a big part of who I am. 

On Wednesday evening, the long-awaited call came. "...Stay close to the phone. We might have a kidney for you". Unfazed, my husband an I continued  watching one of our favorite shows - Animal Kingdom on Demand. 

Though I had been nesting (much like a female closer to giving birth), I have refused to get my hopes to high regarding a kidney.  My existence has been staying in the moment. Not get too worked up on things that haven't happened. 

About an half hour later, second call came in. "How soon an you get here?" 

I pride myself on always being ready for whatever gifts life brings.  So packing was simplified. I had already had most of my necessities in an area where everything could be easily accessed. 

We left for the hospital around 10:15pm. Arrived around 10:45 or 11:00pm. 

By the time we arrived and set in the hospital ER waiting room, it all began to sink in. "I'm getting a kidney today". Immediately I began to call those who I felt would be interested and supportive. Made sure I told everyone I loved and appreciated them. Wanted all to know that I was at peace with whatever happens. 

Oddly enough. I didn't feel fearful or anxious. I was calm and so was my husband. I reminded him of my request in terms of possible death. He then reminded me, "I know. You've made your request known since we lost our [first daughter]". 

Eventually my name was called. I was relieved my husband could accompany me. Especially with current pandemic due to Covid. 

I remained relaxed throughout process. Labs done and a few other essential procedures. I continued to knit/crochet during wait times. Suddenly, I was wheeled in to surgery. Said my goodbye's to my husband. Reminded him to keep the kids on track to accomplish their goals in spite of. Do not use my health issues as a reason to quit or fail. Everyone's life must carry on. 

Know, by the time I was wheeled in to this tiny operating room. It was the next morning (Aug. 5th). Room was filled with seemingly professional, competent and confident surgery team. This fact may have helped keep fear or anxiety at bay.

Now, I must admit. I saw what looked like pickled pig feet in a jar across/directly in front of my vision. I'm thinking, "I know surgeon didn't just place this organ going into my body in front of me".

I then forced myself to focus on other things. Like, I had a female anesthesiologist. I was meaning to tell her - it takes a while for me to fall asleep. Before I knew it, I was out. 

More in another blog

til Next time, 

Sage

 More info on the Great News coming in a future post. To prepare you, "Sage HAS a Kidney!"

In this post, I wanted give an update on my current recovery journey. Earlier today went to hospital where kidney transplant was done (for now, I need to drive there at least 3 times per week in order to closely monitor kidney). Kidney was from a deceased donor so what I've learned, these kidneys often take longer to start functioning. However, kidney's from living donor usually start functioning immediately. 

I spent 8 1/2 years on dialysis awaiting this very moment. Since 2014, I've been hooked to a hemodialysis machine three times per week/three hours per session every single week - including holidays.

Transplant surgery was weeks ago - Thursday, August 5th, 2021 to be exact. First step for me, was to survive - which I did, thankfully. Weeks consisted of a pain level ranging from an approximately   8 1/2-10 plus. Yes, I was provided pain relief and know while hospitalized, I pressed that pain button as often as permitted. 

I must admit, I was kinda terrified when released date suddenly appeared. Everything happened so fast and regrettably I haven't had time or enough wellness to document my experience as liked. 

 Stay tuned for updated conduct - coming soon

In the meantime, read, comment and share

~Sage

Peace, Love and Happiness

This morning I was privileged the wellness and strength to get up. Shower. Brush my teeth. Moisturize. Dress and gather all necessary belonging (mask included) and hurry out the house - alone.

While driving myself from one fun adventure  (fabric and yarn place) to another (hair products, perfumes/moisturizers, cookware, candles, etc), I was listening to listener-sponsored radio - which was at the time, celebrating the 80th Birthday of John Lennon.

As I enjoyed hearing harmonies of peace and love and unity, I felt a sudden burst of optimism. I’ve been sorta quietly pessimistic & melancholy for the past months as we as a nation try to adapt and navigate all the chaos and conflict and controversy and corruption and Covid and [in]competence savagely bestowed upon us. Daily, subjected to actions & words that have been used and distributed destructively and maliciously.

Though I didn’t know Lennon personally, I can appreciate the unifying and uplifting messages he gifted us within his lyrics of peace. Which has undoubtedly added beauty to the world.

We all are responsible for our contributions not only to ourselves, but also to: our families, our friends, our neighbors, our communities, our decedents, our nation, our world. Are we adding love or hate? What will our societal positions state about our thoughts/beliefs/decisions historically in the future?  

In these current times, its no longer about republican vs democrat. Rich vs poor. Black vs white. Religious vs nonreligious.  Christian vs other. Educated vs uneducated. Now, looking with compassionate, humane eyes, it is obviously all about love vs hate. Good vs evil.  This is the climate we're facing. 

No civility. No decency. No humanity. No integrity. No honesty or "morality". Nothing worthy of smugness or self-righteousness. Look at ourselves. See what we've allowed. What we've become. A divided nation. How dare we have the audacity to dictate our sense of righteousness on other parts of the globe. Who and what are we?! Who and what are we raising?!

Where will we stand/speak or sit/stand in this crucial time (2020)? Where will our descendants stand/speak or sit/stand (if survived the changes in climate/corruptions)? What  will our descendants learn about who/what we were decades from now? Think about the image we’d portray about who/what we are or were. Think! Let's rid ourselves of mindless blind obedience to tyranny/tyrannical messaging and tap in to our humanity. 

Recognize the deviant intentions and think about if you were on the other side of the hatefulness. You were a different color, religion/belief, gender, lifestyle. How would you feel if leaders were enticing violence toward you? What if you were an instant target of hate simply because you were born the wrong race or other? It has become an us vs them and I'm sickened by the foolishness!

Where is the love in all of this? What would your chosen deities do? Is this behavior condoned by the gods/goddesses? Is this the evolving world where all can be free (un-slaved) and live in harmony? Or, is this planet only for who and what you are?

Whenever I listen to the lyrics from the song, “Imagine”, and I think about the timelessness of this song. I reflect on what our imperfect world was dealing with then. I then think about the now. Never would I have imagined all the escalated and condoned hate. The plethora of unreasonable justifications for bigotry and unfairness.  Pure hate by many of those who profess to be superior, supreme, righteous and all-knowing. 

Who and what are we?!

Quietly I isolate my thoughts and stay mindful of my words as I tell my totally afraid self, “everything will be okay. You’re a survivor. One day at a time...”. 

I remind myself of my qualities and briefly, I take comfort in knowing I'm safe because there should be no reason for hatefulness to attack me (or someone like or similar) because I'm "different". Then, all I gotta do is turn on the news or other. And be reminded it is my difference that may make me a target. This reality is terrifying. I can only imagine what horrors my ancestors were dealt.

I’ll be 53 on October 15th. If I read tweets or see'em or other despicable rants in media, instantly I remember my devoutly religious, evangelical, fire & brimstone; abusive, neglectful, envious, malicious, ignorant, later-in-life diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic (possibly evil) now deceased mother. I fight the frequent episodes of nightmarish fear, as if she was actually here in form tormenting, cunning, controlling, deceiving, conniving, lying, agitating, destroying, corrupting, sneaking, maligning, blaming, instigating, cheating, erupting, frightening, threatening, unforgiving, aggravating, embarrassing, ranting/raging...

She was fraudulent, unapologetic, anti-intelligent, demeaning, critical, anti-science, superstitious, gluttonous, cowardly, ungrateful, possessive, needy, greedy, hypocritical, Machiavellian, unreliable, resentful, confrontational, defensive, dogmatic, tactless, irrational, misinformed, manic, paranoid, abrasive, dramatic, vulgar, opportunistic, dismissive, immoral, judgmental, anti-motherhood, self-righteous, malicious, pathological, cruel, hostile, grandiose, braggadocios, thoughtless, selfish, indiscreet, bossy, spiteful, ignorant, obnoxious, unconscious, reckless, insincere, inept, reactive, superficial, vicious, asinine, animated, cynical, combustible. While in actuality its the chosen nation leader who’s the primary cause of my agonizing fright. 

As a child and parts of my adulthood, I lived in constant terror. Afraid to speak or do anything that would cause her to erupt. I couldn't talk to her about anything. Nothing I did pleased her. All I was was a prop. Pull me out only when she wanted to brag, seeking envy and praise - thus making me feel withdrawn and uncomfortable. I was obedient. I was respectful. 

My mother took her hatred for her one and only child to her grave. Her final act was one to attempt to figuratively stab me deeply in the heart, as if she hadn't done enough emotional harm.  She made sure I was not included in her last minute will. Absolutely nothing left for me or my kids. Zero. Unfortunately she cannot see that I've been at peace with her last treacherous act. No longer having to deal with her was my ultimate freedom and sense of safety.

I'm free of her wicked wrath. Her using her religion to scare me into servility submission. "Things" were never important. All that I accomplished & overcame without help or support from her, threatened and angered her even more. Her unconditional love was all that I craved. Who/what I was didn't matter. I was born (out of wedlock/adultery/fornication) and that was my sin. Looking at me reminded her of who and what she secretly was.

I was raised by, I managed to survive a sick and twisted insecure narcissist. In him I see her. I hear him I hear her. I'm thankful she was not in position to exert power over many lives. 

No one stood up or spoke up on my behalf.  Not even "The Righteous". I remained a defenseless child. Obedient till the end. All those bystanders who knew exactly what/who she was, I blame them. Those who remain silent/stagnant are just as guilty as the oppressor, the tormentor. Redemption is necessary. Forgiveness is possible. They know who the are and what they allowed.

I see/hear him, I see/hear her.

Passionate protesters have every right to march peacefully for fairness and justice. Predators seem to expect their prey to submit quietly. Nonresistance as they inflict their race privilege. That's the freedom they want. To control, to rule the thoughts, minds and being of all. Equality is a human right. Again, imagine if plights were reversed. Would you sit idly by and be subjected to hatefulness simply because you were born different? What kind of world would you want for your kid? We all want the best for our offspring. No one has sole ownership of the planet. In this diverse world, we are here together with the same needs and similar desires. 

We all bleed. We all hurt. We all feel. We all eat. We all sleep... We all need water and air to breathe. We all live and we die.We are want equality and justice. Basic freedoms. Simple. Shoot, step on our necks, kills us and get away with your crimes, there will be more of us wanting the same rights. Is the goal to wipe out all those who don't look like you?

All I can do, much like most of us who are free, is to vote. Vote not only for my private and personal beliefs & comforts. Vote not only for my personal well being. Vote not only for my race and religion/philosophy. But vote for human/womankind. I believe who/what I AM will be reflected in how I vote.

By no means am I wishing to take away anyone's freedom to hate. But I do wish your hate wouldn't affect/infect or have a negative effect on my life or others. We all are repulsed by toxic people. In wisdom, we learn how to wisely avoid those who do not dwell in or at our personal energy level.

Imagine a world of peace. Imagine a world of love. Imagine a world of happiness. Imagine a unifying, loving world freer of hate, bigotry. Obama’s presidency can’t continue causing such vengeance and violence. His presidency was inclusive and unifying and of HOPE. Yes, he was half black.  But nothing he did (or tweeted) was anything remotely close to what we have been subjected to for nearly four long years. I plead. Search your hearts. Think with your minds. 

Are we part of the problem? Or, are we part of the solution? Love or hate is our ultimate decision in 2020 election. What ugliness are we condoning? What ugliness are we excusing? What ugliness are we justifying? In such a diverse world does it make sense to be part of Making America White Again?

If intellectually honest, we can clearly see everything occurring for what it really is. After all, "it is what it is" is the current mindset. Meanwhile too many have suffered, have died. No denying the facts. No more moralizing or self-righteous judgments on the behaviors of others. You’ve proven who and what you are by how you you vote 2020.

Research unbiased facts.  Self-reflect. Recognize who and what you are as a human. “Stand by and stand down” and instead of hatefulness, choose to be of character,  competence and compassion. Demonstrate love instead of hate to the next generations. Our offspring know who/what we are. If they don’t know, they will in the future. Please help make this planet a better, safer place for all.

*Please practice consideration and safety for yourself and others — wear your helmets, seat belts, condoms and mask. It's about safety (for the living). It's not political because Covid is unbiased. It does not discriminate!

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends".

                                                                          ~MLK

PTSD

been reminded of childhood. abuses at the hands of my devoutly religious mother.

few tried to speak up/stand up for me. whenever they did, the abuses escalated. my mother hated me from my unplanned/unwanted birth until her death. my last conversation with her (a few months before she died). she remained very hateful. even in her declined health. she told me i welcomed the sexual abuses from my molester. i reminded her i was only 9 when the abuse started. she yelled, "you wanted it! you followed him everywhere. i hired an investigator to trace your steps". at the time. i was in the car as i listened to this foolishness. my teen aged daughter started college at 14 (just like my son). so i would sit in my car on the schools campus. since i waited for hours, i used part of the time to call and check on my mother (who at the time. resided in a nursing facility).

each and every time i spoke to her she was abusive. if ever loving, it was to manipulate me. she spoke to me like i was a child. as if i owed her something. this last time. i told her if she kept being abusive when i took time from my peaceful life to call, it would be the very last time she'd hear from me. this day, she started the conversation of the sexual abuse. i never brought it up. for some reason. whenever i'd contact her. she was argumentative. constantly bringing up the past - which made no sense

before, i would beg her to stop. or, i would change the subject to something light like the weather or something mundane. this last day. she was just as aggressive, just as volatile. i reminded her she's a christian and that perhaps god was listening. that didn't work. her righteous beliefs never dictated her atrocious behavior. all these years. she's been fanatical in her beliefs. spoke in tongues, quoted scripture the whole dynamic. never respected the possible belief differences in others.

she was righteous and perfect. her beliefs were the only way for the entire world - her chosen religion. her chosen god. her lifestyle. her way or no way.

she had no problems existing in her hypocrisy. frequently she'd tell me i'm from hell and that i was going to hell. i never understood. imagine telling a small, shy kid. she's from hell.  i was an obedient child. as an adult, i live a quality life. i can't think of any reason for her to think ill of me, yet nothing i did seemed to be worthy of her maternal, unconditional love.

her priorities were herself. money. material things. men. religion/god. never ever was it motherhood.

back to this last day. she kept going on and on about how i wanted it. i reminded her through tears over and over again that i was a child. this was a man SHE had in the house. even after she learned of the abuse, she continued to have a relationship with this person. kicked me out of the house at between ages 16-18.

after about an hour of this hostility. knowing that this was the last time i'd deal with her severe abuse. all my life. she's been verbally, emotionally, physically abusive. extremely neglectful. as a result, i deal with abandonment issues til this day. i recovered. but there are hellish reminders i work through daily.

no father. absolutely no support or contact from him. i was born out of wedlock. she was married. my father was married. but not to each other. he fathered kids in and outside his marriage. i was a secret though. not worthy of his name or love. i was conceived out of an adulterous act. daily i was reminded i was less than. i was a bastard. i never understood what i did to be defined as such. why was i being punished? why was her god so angry at me? and why is he allowing her to treat me so badly? when were the angels going to save me from this torture. irrational thoughts only a lonely, naive child could have.

this day. final day. i can still remember how i felt on the insides of my body. sickened by what i was hearing, but strong enough to assert myself. at first, i was feeling like a helpless child. i felt unworthy. unlovable. i felt alone. i was beginning to wish to no longer be here on earth while in that emotionally destructive moment. yes, i always yearned for maternal (and paternal) love. but this day, i had enough being the source of her maternal inadequacy, a reminder of "her sin".

then i remembered. I AM WORTHY.  I AM LOVABLE. I AM NOT ALONE. i have family and friends who love and value my existence. like a phoenix. i began to rise. began to sit upright into the car seat. i rolled up the windows. it was a very warm day.  my voiced changed. firmly. clearly & calmly i said to her. listen to me. i am here in the car using my free time to talk to you. i had dialysis earlier. i should be resting. i tried my best to be a good enough for you. be of quality yet nothing i did in this life is enough for you. i'm paraphrasing. this is the last day being subjected to your misplaced rage. i did nothing but love you from a distance. i told you repeatedly that you have been forgiven even though you've done absolutely nothing to earn it. i was a child and you did not protect me. you never protected me from all the unfortunate events that destroyed my innocence. destroyed my self-esteem. i was a victim over and over again. you abandoned me over and over again. i am now here. a survivor from life's unthinkables.  you will never hear my voice again. i am done. good bye mother. then, i hung up the phone. calmed myself before my daughter got out of class. haven't looked back

after standing up to the bully, i felt freer. i could breath without suffocating from unpleasant memories or fears of her wickedness. i share this to say. the bully that's supposedly leading us all now reminds me of my mother. she died mid-december 2019. about  a year prior to her death. i learned she was schizophrenic.  the 1970's horror movie, Carrie, similar to my scary mother.

all those painful years. people in my childhood environment were either just like my mother. or they were too afraid of her. our tweeting leader reminds me of my mother. he has so many of her traits.  i  often wonder about those who elected him. do they agree with his behavior or, are they too afraid to stand/speak up. do they condone the divisiveness, the hatefulness. or, are they afraid of his wrath? like my mother, this leader is so vindictive, he'll ruin of those who disagree.

like my mother, no one can reason with her. she was very envious, even of me. her own daughter. if someone complemented my beauty, she'd say. Well, i ain't ugly. as if those complements of me were insulting to her. makes no sense. and nothing political these days makes any sense.

she was threatened by intelligence. never studied or read herself, but wanted to destroy those whose intellect made her feel inferior. instead of surrounding herself with knowledge, she'd make irrational decisions based upon her instincts at the moment.

she ruin the reputations of others with name-calling, falsehoods. she'd go on a rage until she got peacemakers to back off. She used her anger, her wealth as a weapon.

she would often threaten to take things away from me (or others) whenever she felt slighted. she would use her religion as a terrifying scare tactic.

she would purposely ruin opportunities for me, then blame me as if, i was a complete failure.

she manipulate with temporary kindness with gifts and fake pleasantness. then when you don't fall for her scheme, she'll punish you by taking back material things, plus more.

she would have the brainwashed believe all her lies until she, in fact, comes for them. she will make those in her social circle hate you without even knowing you.

like i said, the abuses worsened whenever someone would try to speak/stand up for me. right now. if i spoke highly about someone she didn't like, she would accuse me of loving them more and result in her taking things from me. eventually, her last week alive. she took the time to make the necessary contracts to let everyone know - do not leave my daughter or her family anything. i'm her only child. and i spent a lifetime with her abuses, and was left with zero in the end. all her wealth left to someone she didn't like and to the state.

she made sure i suffered in her death. i forgave her. but even in all her religiosity, she never forgave me for my sheer existence.

as a nation. we have endured these dreadful times of a pandemic scientists warned about. we all are in the midst of surviving through the viruses of Covid and racism. both have the power to be destructively to our lives.

comparing behaviors of my late mother, i worry about those who are speaking/standing up. the allies risking their lives during the coronavirus pandemic to protest in the streets for our rights. justice and freedom for all.

i worry about those with skin like mine. they'll be attacked even more because of resentments of the veil being lifted. the world is watching. the world is now doing the judging.

already there have been threats. name calling. nothing said or done that is remotely productive. whenever an ally comes forward and speaks out against all the hate, the hate is  unfairly turned toward them. their skin is no longer their protection.

like my mother, we are being lead with immature negativity.  and publicly the vengeance is being made known. his words/tweets and policies are reflecting his truest nature and the nature of those that have condoned the ugliness thus far. military has been sent to destroy. police have been instructed to destroy.

nevertheless there has been a rainbow of allies. colorful hands raised high - Black Lives Matter.

as i type. i have the tv on. i know constantly hearing or reading about  current events is not healthy. but what has been my medicine through this tyrannical terror. has been the global uproar and rage against the green monster of hatred.

my skin has been my sin. the circumstances of my birth has been my sin. my father wasn't man enough (at the time) to stick around. instead he left me with a sick and twisted mother. he knew what kind of person she was. he had to know how i was treated. i had to find him in my late 20's. imagine that?

his way of fathering me now has been to call/text me every now and then. ask about my plants. how was dialysis. if the conversation gets too deep, or if i'm having problems, he's hurries off the phone. my way of making him comfortable enough to contact me, is to text "i had a good day today". no, he hasn't offered his kidney. has never invested a dime in regards to my upbringing or well-being. but, getting a call or a text is all i'm worth to him. and sure, i'll take it. for it's all he's willing to give to at least one of his kids. he's no drama. and i am graciously accepting what i can get in order to have a relationship with a parent. thankfully, he doesn't show rage like my mother. he's much easier to get along with. Hopefully, his other kids/step-kids were/are privileged the best of who was/is

as a people. we must get through this part of history in one piece. what side of history will your descendant's learn you were on? what are you fighting for. human rights and justice for all? or, continued the inheritance & luxury of  privileges of "your" skin?

Watching or reading about local/global news is not healthy. I know this fixation is causing me to physically and emotionally decline, but. For some reason I can't look away. It's like driving past a horrible car accident. Suspecting their may be gore ahead, yet I turn and look. Geesh, what have I become?

Since the 2016 election. I've tried to protect my mind. Since then, the ugliness has gotten uglier day by day. Week by week. Year by year. Now  here we are. 100,000 plus deaths to Covid, along with instigated racial and political divisions.

The sleepless nights. The anxious days. I can't control what's happening in the world. I can change how I respond. Lately, I don't like myself. Who/what am I becoming?

I feel helpless.
I feel hopeless.

I feel angry.
I feel alone.

The pain intensifies daily. The unity I see nationwide has made breathing a bit easier. I find myself turning to my blog to vent. My husband and kids remain disengaged. They have wisely guarded their entire being from the obvious injustices, the inequalities, the insanity occurring.

This nation was supposedly to be Made Great Again.
Great for who?
Great for solely one party?
Great for solely one race?

Who has been okay with the ill-tempered  tweets?
Who has been okay with the immoral behavior?

I'm struggling when thinking of how I'll socialize with those of opposing viewpoints that are geared towards division. Before, I was fine keeping quiet when political/religious opinions were openly discussed. Every time this occurred I felt sick to my stomach hearing the twisted justified  politicizing of everything. Resentment towards differing in opinions. Quietly I wondered. Will they like/love  me if they knew I didn't believe what they believed. That I "Sage" was one who fell under the umbrella of those whom they expressed disdain.

 I love indiscriminately. I love minus conditions. My friendship circle is diverse. Reflecting all who inhabit our world. There is no interest in being controlled, converted, or changed in any way. And I respect others enough not to attempt to control, convert or change anyone else.

I have so much respect for those who freely live in their truth. Those that are attracted to the same sex and have no qualms showing the world who they are. This takes such courage. They can easily hide as no one will really know who they love/like. Their openness gives me strength to be me.

People who are different period are my heroes. And through all the ugliness that's happening, by the time quarantine ends, I will have built up the courage to also live my truth freely.

First, I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself for hiding.  Forgive myself for not speaking up. I think my respecting others. By cowardly avoiding potential confrontation or conflict.  By remaining silent was truthfully weakness and fear. Possibly being ostracized or abandon...

I can't be silent any longer. I don't agree with all the hate happening before my eyes. People are suffering. I am suffering. Yet all the allies are risking their lives in order to stand/speak with/for us.

Peaceful protesters have been walking/kneeling for the rights of all.  Black Lives Matter signs are being raised with White hands. These allies could easily rest in their white privileges. Sit back and judge the black man/woman for their understandable anger and finally rising up.

We've been obediently submissive for long enough. We are being killed by those who should protect us. The threat of our skin has condoned ignorance and hate.

A rainbow of allies have risen. Our rainbow of humanity have awakened. We all are woke now. Racism is being condemned on every level. Finally, it is being acknowledged that -- Black Lives Matter.

Shooting, dogs are ordered. Called thugs and son-of-bitches for peaceful protest.We didn't show up at places of law with guns intimidating. We are not marching with torches.We are not refusing to wear masks to protect our fellowman from death. Protest have been peaceful in hopes for justice for all.

Frustration from injustice of the past and the present helped propel us to a better future. Now we are here. Still in need of justice and equality.

I'm so grateful. I'm thankful that I know and love some of these allies. They are some of my dearest friends. I've eaten at their tables as they have mine. They see me and I see them. We are equals. Now, with honesty and self-reflection. We have to see how the world is not experiencing the same fairness.

Thanks to video, the world is finally seeing what we have to live with being in our skin.  I cry out. I am not my skin. I am peace.  I am love.I am happiness. I am you. You are me.