My usual dialysis days have recently been changed. New ones are same time (4:30 a.m.) - Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. It was a process getting to this point and I won't share much here...

For some time now, I've been suffering fistula (google dialysis fistula) challenges. Primarily by "the stick" during and after. It got to the point, I began having anxiety/panic attacks. Was emotionally fragile. Irritable, impatient, frustrated with my family. Eventually it came to a point, I was plotting an escape from my regular treatments as the pain was that unbearable.

Every stick is not the same. From my experience, there is a good stick. And there is a bad stick. Reality is, some may have a touch for the technique, some may not. My experiences were too inconsistent, mostly painful. I tried to speak up, gracefully. My ever-present husband tried to speak up, gently. Both, ignored. Neither of us knew what to do. I felt stuck. Trapped. Doomed. As if I was confined to my own type of hellish existence. My limited options seemed nonexistent. Eventually, I cracked. Optimism was no more. I was becoming farther from who I was/am. My truth.

Fast forward - best solution for my dilemma became to change the days. With new days (included with a different chair/area), same location though. Different experience. I am no longer in extra agony from the stick (which is two, huge needles left in my arm every time for the three full hours).

With the changing of the days, my families whole routine has to be changed. My husband, an accountant (whose company let him work from home on my dialysis days so that he can accompany me to my treatments and medical appointments) had to get approval to make changes to his work schedule.

Changes to the extracurricular activities I frequented with my daughter, Changes to the routine activities I attended for my personal well-being & enjoyment. Change. No one likes that. But this condition is daily teacher about change, in particular. I must adapt to situations no one would want to bare. I must be flexible for those limitations that adds to life challenges but, keeps me alive. Change - in cents or in circumstance... yeah, those honest will admit, no one likes that.

Initially worried about how the changes would affect me and my family and others, I ultimately had to learn how to be even more assertive (I "thought" I was, but learned I wasn't when it came to "me"). Make sure I was receiving the best care possible without my usual fear of possibly hurting feelings or being misunderstood or even feeling judged. And if pain or inconvenience could be minimized for me, I needed to seek treatment from those better skilled and competent to deliver.

Though negatively affected by this experience, I'm thankful, nonetheless.