You never know what another person is going through. This explains why it’s best to reserve judgement. To have compassion  when someone’s disposition may not  represent  the way you think it should.

During a routine swim day, a fellow regular swimmer asked if she could share the lane with me. “Of course”, I replied. I was surprised she spoke. Usually she's very quiet and reserved. Though there's a language barrier, whenever we see each other, we acknowledge the other with a nod or a  friendly “good morning”.

I proceeded to swim. And so did she. Eventually she stopped.  Inquired why I didn’t swim in the other faster lanes (as if she was suggesting I move from where I was before she arrived). I told her - I was fine where I was, but thank you. She went on to explain that she noticed that I was a fast swimmer. Said she’s very slow.

I assured her that she’s fine. She’s not inconveniencing my swim at all. I'm very slow too. The flippers I wear may make it appear as if I were a faster swimmer.

She went on to share, she has lung cancer. She only comes to this particular facility on this day to swim. She rarely feels well but feels better in the water. 

I told her, “me too! I feel better in the water. I need a kidney (this is why I prefer to swim in the slow lanes)".

The startled look suggested  she had difficulty comprehending what I had just said. I went on to show her my fistula arm. “See, this is the source in which I get my dialysis. My kidneys no longer function as they should”.

Obviously stunned  to discover what I'm enduring as I was stunned with what she’s enduring we just kinda stood there looking at each other awkwardly. I know, usually it takes awhile for this kinda news to sink in when you hear it. 

Now, this is an attractive woman- Looked younger than she was for her age. Fit and focused. Never would I imagine she had some sort of debilitating ailment. And I suppose, she had similar or same perception of me. 

That day, we both learned we are not much different after all. We both preferred the convenience of the "slow lane". We both had health challenges, yet we both were determined to be and feel well, even if it was for the minutes we spend in the water.

There was  a perplexed feeling as  to why this illness was bestowed on her. After all, she lives a healthy lifestyle.  I totally understood, yet in my mind, I've resolved - awful things can also happen to people who may do all the supposedly right things.  Somehow, we all must accept our fate and do the best we can to continue on living a quality lifestyle nonetheless. 

She  sees such young women in the medical office  receiving  cancer treatments.  Immediately I thought about how I feel on occasion – surrounded by so many sickly looking people – quietly wondering to myself if I look as ill as they do.  Quietly hoping my condition does not worsen.  I can easily get locked in fears, worries and concerns.   

Regardless, it has been my mission to remain active and optimistic.  Proceeding to do positive and productive things protects me from a dangerously idle mind. Be an example to my kids (and/or whomever else is observing my existence) on how to overcome obstacles, how to persevere. Win, in my own way against the odds.  And here this stranger (who has now become a friend) – being an example to me.  

  

  

Help! I'm addicted to cornstarch.

Since my initial hospitalization back in 2014, I've been consuming what started out as -- hospital baby powder (would put it on my body then later sprinkle some in my hand and eat it), now to cornstarch.

The cornstarch started when one of my dear in-home therapist were helping me find something edible to eat in place of the baby powder. Tried a few things... I then tried the cornstarch and liked it. Been eating it ever since.

Turns out, I was anemic back then. But as of now, I'm not, I don't think. Yet, I still crave the cornstarch. And most of the time, it's in place of actual food.

I recently discovered that cornstarch is high in phosphorous. Unfortunately my phosphorous levels have been dangerously high for months now. Every month, my blood is drawn to check levels on various things needed for a dialysis patient.

When the results are hand delivered, I'm quietly nervous. If I'm awake when dietitian is hand delivering patients results, my body feels some kinda way. It's like when you're a kid getting your grade on that difficult math exam. Only now, it's more life threatening.

Though this newest finding has been brought to my attention, admittedly. I haven't discontinued my cornstarch consumption. Days ago I started trying to eat Pixie Stix - which are a powdery, sugary type of candy treat. But... this too hasn't quenched my desire for cornstarch.

One thing I did notice days ago was. I tend to crave the cornstarch when I'm feeling anxious. And lately I've been misfortune[d] unpleasant but necessary dealings with my vicious aging mother (who is not my favorite person due to her continued abuse (yes, an adult still can feel negative effects of the constant abuse from an abusive parent).

Everyone in her chosen environment is seeing that she needs help desperately. But sadly, she is refusing any help. Especially from me (a trustworthy child). Totally being stubbornly unreasonable and insanely illogical. I'm her only child. So therefore ALL the expectations fall on me (even though I can barely take care of myself). Sigh. This saga is constantly on my mind. And I can feel my body and mind slowly declining because of it. And I resist because she is not worth me losing myself over.

Anyway, I won't bore you with this depressing drama. However, I need to figure out something. Fast. I've been obediently staying clear of cheeses (which is one of my usual craved forbidden foods) due to the elevated phosphorous. And now, I have one more thing to battle - which I'm very reluctant to give up. I know I must. Soon. Somehow. Someway...

... rid myself of the cornstarch completely.

Anyone else have an unhealthy addiction? Is it cornstarch by any chance? if so, how do you limit the constant cravings?