How does one adaquately grieve the loss of an abusive, neglectful, toxic parent?

So far, I feel numb. Free of any self-imposed guilt or judgement. Free of any concern of possible misjudgments from others. I know my heart. I know my journey. I know pain and suffering.

Through these moments, I’m being naturally still and silent. Attentive to my thoughts and lack of emotion. Thoroughly loving and nurturing myself. Appreciating the condolences from others.

How will I continue to evolve through the finality of this unpleasant chapter in my life? I do know -  I am filled with immense gratitude. Though reluctantly, I was given life back in 1967. I’ve lived, I’ve survived so much. Thankfully, through all the horrors, I’m still here. I am still here!

I’ve been fortunate a family who loves me minus any conditions — amazing husband and kids. I have chosen an extended family — quality friendships/relationships. For without my birth, they all wouldn’t be.

What I do know. At this very moment (currently here on the dialysis machine), I AM worthy. And finally, I am FREE from exhaustively trying to prove my worth (since 1967) to someone lacking basic, priceless, instinctive maternal abilities.

I’ve spent my lifetime grieving. Perhaps this is why there are no more tears in this moment of stillness and silence.

Granted eternal sleep in your sleep, RIP mother.