Currently I write from the confinements of my dialysis chair. Here since 4:45 am (for my 3x's, 3 hrs per week treatments)  with 2 1/2 hours left. Additional policies and procedures has been implemented due to coronavirus. Strict adherence is rigorously being enforced.

Temperature taken, mask/gown given immediately prior to entering facility. Hands and fistula washed prior to being seated. Both my husband and I (who sits/stays with me during entire treatment for the past six plus years) are to go through extra sanitary precautions. However, he can no longer rest in the car  (and re-enter) during my long treatments after today. He is to either stay full three plus hours seated in a hard, uncomfortable chair by my side, or go to the car (or leave) and pick me up when I'm done. We're adaptive.

I greatly  appreciate the updated policies and procedures being done to keep us high-risk patients, dedicated staff and committed visitors protected. We are compliant minus any complaints. It is vital that renal patients continue routine life-sustaining treatments - regardless of the terrorizing pandemic upon us. There is not a day that we can miss dialysis with our compromised kidneys.

Usually I sleep soundly through the full three hours. Once I’m set up, enormous needles inserted, and all my comforts (pillows, socks, blankets, eye covering; books, water, phone, tablet, knitting and fan nearby) are in place, I’m out. My husband remains by my side until I’m comfortable and settled then he leaves to rest in the car until time is near for my needles to be removed. But now, he has to stay in the unit during my entire treatments. I worry the strain this portion may cause, especially since he works soon after we arrive home. When will he rest?

Once three hours are up, more time is spent firmly pressing on fistula holes until openings clot in order to stop bleeding. Bandages are  left on for several hours at home to assure sufficient clotting; otherwise, blood squirts nonstop everywhere.

My blood pressure is taken and if the readings are adequate,  I weigh myself to determine amount of fluid removed. Finally, I go home to rest, especially these days with "stay at home". Typically I'm very active afterwards.  Daily responsibilities and social activities - which are crucial to my mental well-being.

I write all this to bring up a recent occurrence. I’ve begun to experience extreme "hot flashes" for two or more hours while confined to dialysis chair (one arm with two huge needles and the other with regular monitoring blood pressure cuff).  During this time I’m sweating profusely  (even though it gets extremely cold in unit requiring me to cloak myself in two blankets topped by a  big, heavy, comfy handmade quilt). Any sleep is not happening under these recent unpleasant overheated conditions. All the comforts mentioned above are removed.  I begin to vigorously fan myself while anxiously counting the hours. Staff nor my husband can help me through the hormonal misery.

Now mind you, my mental state has already been waning for months now. February 14th of this year (2020) marked 6 years of renal failure/dialysis. The estimated waiting list for a transplant is up to 10 years (here in California). So, initially I was internally celebrating my approaching the privilege of receiving a quality & functional kidney, only to discover, I will no longer urinate until transplant.

Months ago I realized I hadn’t urinated in awhile. Prior to this change I was expelling a little over a drop mostly, and happily, a stream on rare occasion. After inquiring the nature of this change, I was informed that eliminating urine will cease for most on dialysis by year six. For some reason, this fact devastated me. Quietly I mourned my inability to pee. However, I eventually became more gleeful for the ability to still have bowel movements. *Perspective.

As time progressed, I had fewer days of mourning which evolved into more frequent days of optimism. I was relieved for the renewed persistence, the determination to finally press forward with my usual outlook on my condition. Monitor my attitude. Continue with dreadful renal diet coupled with beneficial exercise - for me, mainly hours of athletic lap swimming combined with biking, walking and weights.

Fast forward to now. A mammoth crisis which seemed unfathomable considering status in the world. Daily I find myself declining into total emotional darkness. I feel guilt during those abysmal moments where I may struggle to stay in the NOW. After all, I still have so much to be thankful for.

Realistically, NOW is really all we ever had before this crisis. NOW will remain all we ever have after this crisis. We gotta hold on. Stick around to see the sunshine. A reassuring rainbow lovingly arching all those countries negatively affected by this nefarious virus.

My heart breaks for those suffering with illness, with death of their loved ones. The domino effect of all the continued loss and uncertainty is too much. I wanna hide deep beneath my fortunate "safety at home". Cower by burying my head in the sand until it's all over.

Everyday I  chase a sense of normalcy and balance. I take a the time to bathe in sheer gratitude. Thankful for what remains now. My family, my friends, my acquaintances, my associates are fine. No reasonable emotion of feeling alone. After all, we are all in this together with our understandable fears, anxieties, stresses, worries;  mental frailties. Everyone can't be a hero(ion) 24/7

Personally, I’ve survived a plethora of life’s unthinkable(s). Have lived through the unimaginable. During all those dreadful horrors I felt painfully alone. Catastrophic misery. Oftentimes I wanted to give up. Immediately angered to face another day. How much can one person bare, I’d wonder. Now this. This thing with absolutely no solution. Not even the most brilliant mind has an answer. So now what?

What do we do, where do we go in the midst of all our social, political, religious, racial, cultural divisiveness plaguing our planet in spite all the self-righteousness.

WE Rise!
Rise above all those destructive thoughts, tantrums, tyrannies & traits. In truth, all our journey's are different. Who and what we are is ultimately the result of where we've been as an individual. Have compassion. Human decency. Change first gotta happen from within as one leads and lectures by example.

I can't judge the next person for their undeniable difference(s) in beliefs/philosophy/ideology/mythology no more than anyone can judge me. In the end, which is what this thing is revealing - all of us are perishable. The virus is one of the fewest things that has proven not to discriminate. It ravages us all with it's hate.

It is becoming clear. It attacks, it destroys the good, the bad and the ugly. We've lost too many that were contributors of the "good" in this world. They are gone too soon, but never forgotten.

Fact is. The continued chaos has proven this is no hoax. We all are stressed, some depressed. This thing is definitely humbling. It reveals who we really are as a nation, as a people. Character has no color. No political affiliation. No religious denomination. All are capable of embodying morality and hopefully teaching/demonstrating to our offspring genuine values in order to peacefully contribute to global harmony for all.

Let's all move forward. Let's listen to and embrace sincere expressions of honesty, empathy, scientific intelligence and common sense reasoning. Those authentically displaying humanitarian compassion, unity and productivity for the betterment of human/womankind ~ baring the unwavering qualities essential to establishing all that's necessary (regardless of cost, class, country or color) to bring forth an immediate ending to this hellish nightmare.

Figure out how we can use ourselves, our resources minus an agenda other than to come together as one.

Please, for the sake of yourselves, your families/friends and your fellowman --- Stay home. Exercise social distancing. Wear masks. Wash your hands thoroughly. Listen to the experts on this type of thing. Let's get through this together - in one piece, with renewed minds and hearts.

Thank all  of those using their talents, gifts and hearts unselfishly to help, to heal. The pure goodness of others is what gives me hope. Sadly, I'm afraid. Hope is not enough.

til Next time,
Sage