Today, Valentine's day marks the four year anniversary since my health permanently changed. I am so elated to be alive, to have come so far. It's amazing just how rapidly time flies. So much good/bad has happened in this brief time span. And I recognize the life lessons, the gifts that each experience has presented.

I did flip turns this morning in the pool during my usual swim!

Each Sunday I attempt this next challenge on my list of things to learn. The pool is less crowded on this day and at this hour.

Routinely I study YouTube swimming videos, Watch the same stroke over and over again. Lately I watch these videos prior to entering pool so that the techniques are fresh in my mind.

Lately I've been struggling to learn breaststroke. Somehow my feet are not doing what they are supposed to do. I avoid spreading my knees and legs too wide, nonetheless. I have yet to get it just right. But optimistic and determined, I feel closer and closer each time.

Right after that surprising first flip turn, omg! I nearly cried, filled with immense joy this morning. Soon as I got my body around for the very first time I came up above the water immediately. Shocked, though yelling, "I did it. I did it!" Swimmers and lifeguards looked in my direction. Possibly wondering if I was okay.

I motioned to one of the lifeguard (who has been kindly giving me pointers throughout my swim quest journey. She also helped my 21 year old son with swimming during his youth).  "I turned. I finally did a flip turn. Did you see it?!"

Eventually she stood and watched. Me, hoping to do as well as I think I did it the first time. I proceeded to attempt the flip again. Around again I did it. Though, far from the wall. And not as polished as I'd like, still, I was turning.

I continued to swim my usual laps, happily. Periodically sharing with fellow swimmers my accomplishment. Others knowing of my long-term efforts congratulated me. With each complete lap, I'd flip again. Though far from the wall still, and occasionally experiencing the discomfort from not breathing out through my nose, I tried and tried again.

I'm back. From what, I can't explain. Life happens - up's, down's, even sideways.

Finally, I'm inspired to blog. Write about something hopefully others will find inspiring.

After my early morning, 2-hour swim today, a fellow swimmer approached me. Commented on how well I swim. Puzzled, I insecurely replied, "thank you".

She and I continued to chat. We've seen each other during this swim hour but never acquainted ourselves with one another.

During my swim, I was feeling emotionally heavy. Weighted from the recent stresses I've been overwhelmed with [I'll elaborate more once these unpleasant Mother-issues resolve themselves].

Each lap I took, thoughts of fear and worry and anxiety occupied my workout. I feel healthy and safest in the water. In my mind {which resorts back to a horrific childhood}, I keep telling myself that I will survive this. I will be okay. My mother can no longer harm me.

Freestyle, breaststroke, freestyle, breaststroke, with an occasional butterfly, I consistently swam strong and fluid as if my life depended on it.

The woman went on and on about how well and strong I swam. She's watched me each time. And is impressed with what she see's. How I glide effortlessly down the lane. The speed, the consistency.

Yes, my words, but the jest of what she was saying is clear. And my feelings of insecurity slowly evaporated. Not because of someone's opinion of me, but because of my opinion of myself.

I've been overwhelmed by these extra burdening circumstances. That my only control is to stay away and not get involved w/my mother. And here I've been, letting something/someone toxic and nasty steal my joy. My inner peace. And it takes a stranger to help me recognize the destruction I've been allowing.

As the woman and I conversed, I shared with her briefly that it'll be four years this Valentine's Day since I survived a stroke/renal failure. 2014 I couldn't walk, talk, swallow, chew, read, write, etc. And here I am, a fairly new swimmer (learned in 2016), impressing someone with my abilities.

She, with disabilities of her own was inspired. Her eyes watered as she smiled, thanking me for sharing my survival story and being an inspiration to her.

Imagine that. I did something for someone else when I needed something -- maybe the most in that hour. In the end, we helped each other. As I continued to finish off my wet routine, I immediately regained my confidence. Was grateful she saw me and I saw.

It's been some time since I last blogged. I'll enlighten about why in a future blog. But for now, I wish to announce, I'm fifty today! I made it. My son turned 21 on yesterday. He's been my biggest and my best birthday gift since his celebrated birth 21 years ago. And what a milestone for us both. I'm healthy, for the most part. I'm happy, for the greatest part.

You never know what another person is going through. This explains why it’s best to reserve judgement. To have compassion  when someone’s disposition may not  represent  the way you think it should.

During a routine swim day, a fellow regular swimmer asked if she could share the lane with me. “Of course”, I replied. I was surprised she spoke. Usually she's very quiet and reserved. Though there's a language barrier, whenever we see each other, we acknowledge the other with a nod or a  friendly “good morning”.

I proceeded to swim. And so did she. Eventually she stopped.  Inquired why I didn’t swim in the other faster lanes (as if she was suggesting I move from where I was before she arrived). I told her - I was fine where I was, but thank you. She went on to explain that she noticed that I was a fast swimmer. Said she’s very slow.

I assured her that she’s fine. She’s not inconveniencing my swim at all. I'm very slow too. The flippers I wear may make it appear as if I were a faster swimmer.

She went on to share, she has lung cancer. She only comes to this particular facility on this day to swim. She rarely feels well but feels better in the water. 

I told her, “me too! I feel better in the water. I need a kidney (this is why I prefer to swim in the slow lanes)".

The startled look suggested  she had difficulty comprehending what I had just said. I went on to show her my fistula arm. “See, this is the source in which I get my dialysis. My kidneys no longer function as they should”.

Obviously stunned  to discover what I'm enduring as I was stunned with what she’s enduring we just kinda stood there looking at each other awkwardly. I know, usually it takes awhile for this kinda news to sink in when you hear it. 

Now, this is an attractive woman- Looked younger than she was for her age. Fit and focused. Never would I imagine she had some sort of debilitating ailment. And I suppose, she had similar or same perception of me. 

That day, we both learned we are not much different after all. We both preferred the convenience of the "slow lane". We both had health challenges, yet we both were determined to be and feel well, even if it was for the minutes we spend in the water.

There was  a perplexed feeling as  to why this illness was bestowed on her. After all, she lives a healthy lifestyle.  I totally understood, yet in my mind, I've resolved - awful things can also happen to people who may do all the supposedly right things.  Somehow, we all must accept our fate and do the best we can to continue on living a quality lifestyle nonetheless. 

She  sees such young women in the medical office  receiving  cancer treatments.  Immediately I thought about how I feel on occasion – surrounded by so many sickly looking people – quietly wondering to myself if I look as ill as they do.  Quietly hoping my condition does not worsen.  I can easily get locked in fears, worries and concerns.   

Regardless, it has been my mission to remain active and optimistic.  Proceeding to do positive and productive things protects me from a dangerously idle mind. Be an example to my kids (and/or whomever else is observing my existence) on how to overcome obstacles, how to persevere. Win, in my own way against the odds.  And here this stranger (who has now become a friend) – being an example to me.  

  

  

Help! I'm addicted to cornstarch.

Since my initial hospitalization back in 2014, I've been consuming what started out as -- hospital baby powder (would put it on my body then later sprinkle some in my hand and eat it), now to cornstarch.

The cornstarch started when one of my dear in-home therapist were helping me find something edible to eat in place of the baby powder. Tried a few things... I then tried the cornstarch and liked it. Been eating it ever since.

Turns out, I was anemic back then. But as of now, I'm not, I don't think. Yet, I still crave the cornstarch. And most of the time, it's in place of actual food.

I recently discovered that cornstarch is high in phosphorous. Unfortunately my phosphorous levels have been dangerously high for months now. Every month, my blood is drawn to check levels on various things needed for a dialysis patient.

When the results are hand delivered, I'm quietly nervous. If I'm awake when dietitian is hand delivering patients results, my body feels some kinda way. It's like when you're a kid getting your grade on that difficult math exam. Only now, it's more life threatening.

Though this newest finding has been brought to my attention, admittedly. I haven't discontinued my cornstarch consumption. Days ago I started trying to eat Pixie Stix - which are a powdery, sugary type of candy treat. But... this too hasn't quenched my desire for cornstarch.

One thing I did notice days ago was. I tend to crave the cornstarch when I'm feeling anxious. And lately I've been misfortune[d] unpleasant but necessary dealings with my vicious aging mother (who is not my favorite person due to her continued abuse (yes, an adult still can feel negative effects of the constant abuse from an abusive parent).

Everyone in her chosen environment is seeing that she needs help desperately. But sadly, she is refusing any help. Especially from me (a trustworthy child). Totally being stubbornly unreasonable and insanely illogical. I'm her only child. So therefore ALL the expectations fall on me (even though I can barely take care of myself). Sigh. This saga is constantly on my mind. And I can feel my body and mind slowly declining because of it. And I resist because she is not worth me losing myself over.

Anyway, I won't bore you with this depressing drama. However, I need to figure out something. Fast. I've been obediently staying clear of cheeses (which is one of my usual craved forbidden foods) due to the elevated phosphorous. And now, I have one more thing to battle - which I'm very reluctant to give up. I know I must. Soon. Somehow. Someway...

... rid myself of the cornstarch completely.

Anyone else have an unhealthy addiction? Is it cornstarch by any chance? if so, how do you limit the constant cravings?

months ago, i lost character.

it was in the pool. i had been swimming several successful laps. in the slow lane -- shared with another slow swimmer. early morning swim - 5:00 am to be precise. when all of a sudden.

without my awareness, apparently this woman gets in from the opposite end of the pool. he and i had already been occupying this space. there were several other lanes available to her. yet, she proceeded to enter. no warning to us current swimmers.

eventually we collided. my rhythm was interrupted. mind you, i'd already been swimming for almost a year by this time [over a year now]. admittedly, my ego was kinda elevated at that moment in time (which is a rare occurrence to be honest). there was little to no humility or compassion or patience or tolerance  or anything representing who i really am. immediately i was ah, frustrated.

i gently explained to her where best to enter for her and other swimmers safety. by this time, the lifeguard noticed and came near (more on this lifeguard later in this piece). by that time, i had gained control of my emotions. the woman didn't seem to speak English which seem to have frustrated me even more. i couldn't effectively communicate with her -- well, at least i assumed.

fast forward to recently. more like the past few weeks. over the months i have regained my true self. tolerance, patience, compassion, humility. i see the same woman entering pool from wrong side of pool and i immediately make space for her. if there is three, we can swim peacefully in a circle.

over the past swims, i've took it upon myself to offer assistance. teach what little i've learned about swimming. with same lifeguard looking (and i'm sure listening). the woman is receptive.

from a swimmer who holds on to the rail and spits ever other stroke, to now utilizing a kick board.
securely and confidently kicking and blowing bubbles as i suggested. each swim i show her something new as she improves.

it has given me so much joy to see this woman whom i was for a fraction of a minute irritated by, successfully getting up and down the lanes smoothly.  she's so happy and so am i. English is still challenged but somehow i've been able to communicate information that was useful to her and remarkably make it comprehensible. and we both are getting something from the swim experience we may have never knew we needed.

one never know what kind of relationship or experience they may be fortunate to build or create.