It's been some time since I last blogged. I'll enlighten about why in a future blog. But for now, I wish to announce, I'm fifty today! I made it. My son turned 21 on yesterday. He's been my biggest and my best birthday gift since his celebrated birth 21 years ago. And what a milestone for us both. I'm healthy, for the most part. I'm happy, for the greatest part.

You never know what another person is going through. This explains why it’s best to reserve judgement. To have compassion  when someone’s disposition may not  represent  the way you think it should.

During a routine swim day, a fellow regular swimmer asked if she could share the lane with me. “Of course”, I replied. I was surprised she spoke. Usually she's very quiet and reserved. Though there's a language barrier, whenever we see each other, we acknowledge the other with a nod or a  friendly “good morning”.

I proceeded to swim. And so did she. Eventually she stopped.  Inquired why I didn’t swim in the other faster lanes (as if she was suggesting I move from where I was before she arrived). I told her - I was fine where I was, but thank you. She went on to explain that she noticed that I was a fast swimmer. Said she’s very slow.

I assured her that she’s fine. She’s not inconveniencing my swim at all. I'm very slow too. The flippers I wear may make it appear as if I were a faster swimmer.

She went on to share, she has lung cancer. She only comes to this particular facility on this day to swim. She rarely feels well but feels better in the water. 

I told her, “me too! I feel better in the water. I need a kidney (this is why I prefer to swim in the slow lanes)".

The startled look suggested  she had difficulty comprehending what I had just said. I went on to show her my fistula arm. “See, this is the source in which I get my dialysis. My kidneys no longer function as they should”.

Obviously stunned  to discover what I'm enduring as I was stunned with what she’s enduring we just kinda stood there looking at each other awkwardly. I know, usually it takes awhile for this kinda news to sink in when you hear it. 

Now, this is an attractive woman- Looked younger than she was for her age. Fit and focused. Never would I imagine she had some sort of debilitating ailment. And I suppose, she had similar or same perception of me. 

That day, we both learned we are not much different after all. We both preferred the convenience of the "slow lane". We both had health challenges, yet we both were determined to be and feel well, even if it was for the minutes we spend in the water.

There was  a perplexed feeling as  to why this illness was bestowed on her. After all, she lives a healthy lifestyle.  I totally understood, yet in my mind, I've resolved - awful things can also happen to people who may do all the supposedly right things.  Somehow, we all must accept our fate and do the best we can to continue on living a quality lifestyle nonetheless. 

She  sees such young women in the medical office  receiving  cancer treatments.  Immediately I thought about how I feel on occasion – surrounded by so many sickly looking people – quietly wondering to myself if I look as ill as they do.  Quietly hoping my condition does not worsen.  I can easily get locked in fears, worries and concerns.   

Regardless, it has been my mission to remain active and optimistic.  Proceeding to do positive and productive things protects me from a dangerously idle mind. Be an example to my kids (and/or whomever else is observing my existence) on how to overcome obstacles, how to persevere. Win, in my own way against the odds.  And here this stranger (who has now become a friend) – being an example to me.  

  

  

Help! I'm addicted to cornstarch.

Since my initial hospitalization back in 2014, I've been consuming what started out as -- hospital baby powder (would put it on my body then later sprinkle some in my hand and eat it), now to cornstarch.

The cornstarch started when one of my dear in-home therapist were helping me find something edible to eat in place of the baby powder. Tried a few things... I then tried the cornstarch and liked it. Been eating it ever since.

Turns out, I was anemic back then. But as of now, I'm not, I don't think. Yet, I still crave the cornstarch. And most of the time, it's in place of actual food.

I recently discovered that cornstarch is high in phosphorous. Unfortunately my phosphorous levels have been dangerously high for months now. Every month, my blood is drawn to check levels on various things needed for a dialysis patient.

When the results are hand delivered, I'm quietly nervous. If I'm awake when dietitian is hand delivering patients results, my body feels some kinda way. It's like when you're a kid getting your grade on that difficult math exam. Only now, it's more life threatening.

Though this newest finding has been brought to my attention, admittedly. I haven't discontinued my cornstarch consumption. Days ago I started trying to eat Pixie Stix - which are a powdery, sugary type of candy treat. But... this too hasn't quenched my desire for cornstarch.

One thing I did notice days ago was. I tend to crave the cornstarch when I'm feeling anxious. And lately I've been misfortune[d] unpleasant but necessary dealings with my vicious aging mother (who is not my favorite person due to her continued abuse (yes, an adult still can feel negative effects of the constant abuse from an abusive parent).

Everyone in her chosen environment is seeing that she needs help desperately. But sadly, she is refusing any help. Especially from me (a trustworthy child). Totally being stubbornly unreasonable and insanely illogical. I'm her only child. So therefore ALL the expectations fall on me (even though I can barely take care of myself). Sigh. This saga is constantly on my mind. And I can feel my body and mind slowly declining because of it. And I resist because she is not worth me losing myself over.

Anyway, I won't bore you with this depressing drama. However, I need to figure out something. Fast. I've been obediently staying clear of cheeses (which is one of my usual craved forbidden foods) due to the elevated phosphorous. And now, I have one more thing to battle - which I'm very reluctant to give up. I know I must. Soon. Somehow. Someway...

... rid myself of the cornstarch completely.

Anyone else have an unhealthy addiction? Is it cornstarch by any chance? if so, how do you limit the constant cravings?

months ago, i lost character.

it was in the pool. i had been swimming several successful laps. in the slow lane -- shared with another slow swimmer. early morning swim - 5:00 am to be precise. when all of a sudden.

without my awareness, apparently this woman gets in from the opposite end of the pool. he and i had already been occupying this space. there were several other lanes available to her. yet, she proceeded to enter. no warning to us current swimmers.

eventually we collided. my rhythm was interrupted. mind you, i'd already been swimming for almost a year by this time [over a year now]. admittedly, my ego was kinda elevated at that moment in time (which is a rare occurrence to be honest). there was little to no humility or compassion or patience or tolerance  or anything representing who i really am. immediately i was ah, frustrated.

i gently explained to her where best to enter for her and other swimmers safety. by this time, the lifeguard noticed and came near (more on this lifeguard later in this piece). by that time, i had gained control of my emotions. the woman didn't seem to speak English which seem to have frustrated me even more. i couldn't effectively communicate with her -- well, at least i assumed.

fast forward to recently. more like the past few weeks. over the months i have regained my true self. tolerance, patience, compassion, humility. i see the same woman entering pool from wrong side of pool and i immediately make space for her. if there is three, we can swim peacefully in a circle.

over the past swims, i've took it upon myself to offer assistance. teach what little i've learned about swimming. with same lifeguard looking (and i'm sure listening). the woman is receptive.

from a swimmer who holds on to the rail and spits ever other stroke, to now utilizing a kick board.
securely and confidently kicking and blowing bubbles as i suggested. each swim i show her something new as she improves.

it has given me so much joy to see this woman whom i was for a fraction of a minute irritated by, successfully getting up and down the lanes smoothly.  she's so happy and so am i. English is still challenged but somehow i've been able to communicate information that was useful to her and remarkably make it comprehensible. and we both are getting something from the swim experience we may have never knew we needed.

one never know what kind of relationship or experience they may be fortunate to build or create.

admitted into the hospital. rushed via ambulance straight from dialysis.

intense chest pains, difficulty breathing, plus usual discomforts i've been experiencing lately at the end of my treatments. oxygen immediately given. chest pain wasn't relieved from nitro administered. then again when paramedics arrived. scary ordeal. surrounded by concerned professionals -- tech, nurses, paramedics; my husband. all i could think of at the time, aside from the discomfort from all the instant attention was,

"oh, no! am i dying? how much is all this going to cost? is this pain all in my head? darn, i'm wearing a head scarf. good thing i painted my toenails night prior. will i be able to swim tomorrow?".

i'm still here. thankful to be alone in a single room. receiving quality care. and most importantly, feeling much better now. still alive and well. with more opportunities to live, laugh and love.

surrounded by my knitting, library books, coloring books/crayons. my laptop and my phone. i have function of my mind and my body, which i'm immensely grateful. my husband is home with our 13 year old. they both are well. my son is well while in college. these truths give me peace of mind.

really fortunate i do have insurance still and haven't had to suffer the reality of not having the privilege (the human right) to it. the depressing accumulating healthcare bills, well. that's another story. one which others can possibly relate to now or perhaps in their future.

to my benefit, several test were ran in ER -- chest X-ray, CT scan w/contrast. once i was finally admitted (keep in mind i get dialysis at 4 am. i woke mid-treatment at 7 am feeling unwell. paramedics called by 8 am. arrived in ER by 9 am)

by the time i was comfortably in ER receiving more pain relief, i was exhausted. was famished.

while admitted, i've had a few more test done. had a nuclear stress test, had an EKG. currently waiting to get dialysis again (even though i had treatment yesterday - contrast from CT scan test has to be removed from my system).

last time something like this happened years ago,  i was rushed to ER via ambulance from dialysis, it was discovered i have a heart aneurysm. since then, i have been monitored closely by a cardiac physician.

luckily, i have the best doctors, the best care, the best support ever. quality, this fact makes what i'm enduring more endurable.

My dear daughter (13) claims she's going to stop bathing. If she's not as fresh, the Witches won't seek her out, like they did in a book by one of her favorite authors, Roald Dahl.

Her logic, the dirt will clog her pores thus disguising her kid-scent. Apparently Witches were looking for prepubescent children. Since she could talk, there's been some sort of protest in her battle with her dad and I over basic hygiene practices.

She's a girl who pretty much functions like a stereotypical boy. Loves sports, physical play, active all day long until she passes out by the end of the day. As a result, she develops her share of dirt which she prefers to clog her pores to disguise her kid-scent, I guess.

Regardless of what she says, what she reads. We will continue to vigilantly parent her. No matter how exhausting. Making sure she develops and maintains healthy habits.

my daughter had a soccer tournament over the weekend. last one for the season, thankfully. Saturday 2 games (immediately following 4 am dialysis) and Sunday 2 games. location over an hour away. this time, we somehow managed to afford the privilege to stay in a hotel.

this hotel stay was the first time we've stayed away from home since 2000, the year our daughter died ( i tend to keep track of time in terms of the year she died and the year 2014, when i almost died. not to sound too morbid or melancholy, it just is. and i'm okay with it). but anyways...

this experience was thoroughly enjoyed and thoroughly needed. though the team struggled for wins (as usual, sigh), the point was for my daughter to do her best (which she did) and to have fun (which she also did). and all while, daddy and i had the luxury to drive back to a nearby hotel (we stayed at a Residence Inn Marriott) which turned out to be an awesome getaway and the best idea we've had all year long.

it was like a home away from home. full kitchen and amenities. unlike being at home, in our cluttered, dusty/dated apartment we had the advantages of: air condition. space. cleanliness (at least without a blue light).  frig w/food we'd purchased. a tv. and most importantly, we had each other w/our yarn, books, board/card games and laptops.

so the plan is. to try to get away more often. live more fully. yes, having to commit to dialysis treatments three times per week puts a strain on things, but travel is doable. all i have to do is, if need be, find another clinic in the area i'm visiting. yes having more financial stability would make this easier with only one income [i'm not on disability, long story], but we may be able to take smaller, mostly local trips more often. because during that weekend excursion, we quickly learned, we all need a break from it all. we need a stress-free, leisurely getaway.