Presently I'm in the midst of an uphill battle. Exhausting myself beyond my limits in order to stay emotionally and physically healthy. As written in a previous post, my mother (estranged) is not well. And since I'm her only child, others are contacting me. Dilemma is, she's kept me out of her life, as well as any of her personal business. She's well off, and has the means to have an abundantly stable and satisfactory life, but chooses/creates chaos and drama instead.

Degrees of downright foolishness has been going on with her my entire life. Just when I became conscious, and less afraid. I simply removed myself. For me and my immediate families well being.

And now, my peace and tranquility is being interrupted. In the beginning, which is days ago, while trying to find resources while gaining more insight into her dangerous world. I got my head bit right off. She called and savagely laid into me. "Stay away from me. I don't need you" amongst many other scary obscenities which I dare not list in my blog. Her vicious rant concluded with her traditional, "have a blessed day". Despite her abuse and neglect, she's always been hyper-religious. Had me in constant paralyzing fear of her and the Lord most of my life.

When it comes to me, she reveals more of who she is when she thinks no one is listening. However, this night my husband can hear her loud, abrasive chastisement over the phone.

Paraphrased: "Why do you put up with this? Doesn't she know you are not well?" He went on, "only I'm going to have to care for you when you completely fall apart. Like usual, she's not going to care". He concluded, "start speaking up for yourself. Other times you won't let anyone pounce over you like that".

Now my husband never ever voices his opinion on matters such as these. He's just there, picking up the pieces and loving me through whatever it is. But this is hard. He's been watching me fall completely apart over her well being. Watched my unconditional compassion as I try to search for quality resources for her individual circumstances.

Watched me collapse at the end of the day. Witnessed the sleepless nights. The upset stomach. The sea of tears. The wondering, "what can I do?"

He's watched me be impatient with him and our twelve year old daughter. They are getting the brunt of my anguish. My fears. They are unfairly experiencing the wrath [my mother] should very well feel.

The intent for this update was to blog about how my day was much more peaceful, ironically. After her last tongue-lashing, I sorta let go. Re-estrange myself.

Fortunately I have peace in my world. Privileged an awesome husband. Incredible kids. Quality friendships & relationships. Reside in a safe and family-oriented community. Great doctors.

I'm focusing on what's good in my world. I've already spent a lifetime healing from a hellish childhood. And I dare not go backwards simply because a few may be judging my staying away from her. Yet "they" don't want to deal with her. "They" may not help my husband (in the darkness of the night) help me -- get through an episode of intense grief.

My father has been an amazing support throughout this. He wasn't present in my youth, but he's here now, for which I'm immensely grateful. I absolutely adore him. The contrast between him and my mother is glaring. But... I'm here as a result of the both of them.

I digress. This day was great. I slept through my entire dialysis treatment at 4 am. Three hours. I slept peacefully that night before. I really need rest and peace in order to continue surviving this renal/stroke condition.

Unfortunately I've been nibbling and craving the foods I can not have -- cheese, potatoes, tomatoes, avocados, bananas, ice cream, peanut butter, oranges/juice; even chocolate milk. According to the Renal Diet (google), certain foods are forbidden. I've been told as well as I've researched the risk involved if I consume. But lately, in particular I've noticed, either I don't care or I'm not paying attention or I just welcome death at that moment. No, I don't want to die. But I do want to escape. And food has been an affordable means to do so.