It has recently been brought to my attention, my mother (aside from a year after my illness, whom I've been estranged for decades) needs my help. And now it has gotten to the point where she'll have minimal power to reject me, as she always have. At some point considering, she's kept her life private from me, I'm going to have to seek legal counsel, for which I have no current resources.

I have been beyond stressed for the past few days. Knots in my upset stomach. Fears. Discomfort. Like now, it's 3:00 am. I have dialysis in an hour - 4:00 am. I have not slept. Tortured memories of an abusive, neglectful, sad childhood keeps playing in my head like a movie reel. Nothing I do to distract from the pain has been of comfort.

Prior to renal disease, when I'd have these memories of my childhood, I was mobile enough to just get up and move my body. No matter the late hour, I'd go for a run. Go for a drive. I'd just get up and go. Move until my disturbed mind calms. But now. I'm stuck. Stuck in my thoughts that are causing debilitating discomforts. A mental and emotional prison because I no longer have the strength or the resource to get up and move.  To go.

My 78 year old mother, who has gone blind over the years, is now in worse shape. Few, if any in the circles she has frequented even know she has a daughter who lives only a few cities away.

Amongst her many secrets, I am one. But now, I'm needed. Not by her, per se, but others who have grown concerned for her situation. I have gotten updated on how she, a person of wealth, has been showing up at her senior center smelling of urine and feces. Combative. Needing more assistance than the usual but has been angrily refusing assistance from those who may trying to help. Facility staff has been puzzled on what to do for a woman who has been active in her community for decades. And no one could notify me directly because again, as far as they knew, I did not exist.

So now, reluctantly, but compassionately I'm taking steps to help. Be there for a person who always been absent or abandoned me in my times of need, be there for her in hers.

My father who was not around in my youth, is here for me through this. thankfully. My rock. I don't want my dear husband involved because he has enough on his plate - caring for me. Tending to our homeschooled daughter. Working. Maintaining the household.

There is so much to figure out. She owns a lot of property for which there is enormous disorganization. She's always had unsavory people around taking advantage, so I don't know to what extent this element has destroyed.

I have limited to no insight to her personal business, even though I'm her only child and have never, ever given her any reason to distrust me, she has never let me in. I've always been like, "the other female" as if, I were some stranger for which, she had to compete.

Without going into all the uglier details, I'm in a very difficult predicament, which I predict, will go on for years, considering all the secrets and her possessions. My main goal is to make sure she's safe and secure. Despite her treatments of me, her well being is my concern. And right now, the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Somehow, I must muster up the resilience to navigate through the processes and environments and obstacles that I'm not at all prepared for.

I gotta present myself with confidence and strength (reveal no weakness even though I feel weak) as in a couple of days I will go and meet with the center my mother frequents. Stoically sit through and listen and try to comprehend all the sordid details the staff and possibly fellow participants are willing to share. Hopefully I'll be equipped with the knowledge, the resources to get me to the next unknown step within this dreaded experience.