today i told my sweet, cuddly, funny, loving, strong-willed; recently turned 13 year old daughter to floss her teeth. she has braces (which are coming off in a few months) and her gums looked swollen.

her curt response, "stop focusing on what you see on the outside. Roald Dahl (one of her favorite authors - she's an avid reader) said, if you think ugly thoughts, you're going to be ugly. if you think nice thoughts, you'll be pretty".  then she went back to her computer to finish her Sage's Curriculum.

meanwhile i'm like, "what does that quote have to do with your flossing her teeth?!"

still baffled, i researched the actual quote. it is, "if a person has ugly thoughts everyday, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

a person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. you can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely".

i'm so thankful i introduced the joy of reading to my kids very early on. they can lose themselves in quality literature. and if they stumble across quotes, such as this. words that will help encourage self love and a positive attitude. well then that makes my job of parenting, mothering, mentoring, inspiring a bit easier.

i'm blunt. especially since the stroke. i tend to get right to the point in what i'm trying to say.

i texted my husband, telling him what she had said. i reminded him of the struggles with her. seems if i tell her - honey, that's enough food. somehow she hears me calling her fat. if i say - honey, wash your face, somehow she hears me calling her ugly. if is say - honey, clean your bedroom, somehow she hears me saying, i don't love her.

damn, is there a sugarcoating class for mothers?!

hubby's response, "it's called teenage girl syndrome. it doesn't matter what you say, she is going to interpret it to the extreme".

sigh!

again, i'm happy when she's able to reason her way through a healthier thoughts when in a healthy state of mind. but, according to the warning app on our phones, those days of the month are fastly approaching. i need to find a sugarcoating class quick.

recently survived through a lengthy bout with depression. the mental state of darkness had me feeling as though, this was my permanent existence. for weeks or months i felt lonely. i felt isolated. i felt frustrated. i felt worthless. i felt regret. i felt inadequate. i felt sad. i felt despair. i felt irritated. i felt impatient. i felt unwell. i felt unbalanced. i felt pessimistic. i felt frightened. i felt fat. i felt trapped. i felt ugly. felt like a complete failure at life, period.

sitting here on my sofa in my cluttered living space, i'm back to my usual happy, optimistic, free minded self. it feels kinda weird to revisit all those feeling i felt (for far too long for my comfort) just a short time ago.

eventually i began to talk to those whom i felt safe about my hopeless feelings. to finally express my truth at that time was not only freeing, but relieving. instinctively i knew it was a possible risk sharing such abysmal thinking, but, i knew i could no longer exist in that bottomless pit of thought.

thankfully, everyone (beside my husband were only a few) i regurgitated my feelings were compassionate, non judgmental, reasonable and intelligent listeners. i'm glad i had the forethought to chose my ears wisely, but also that i have these amazing people in my life.

truthfully, part of the reasons why i haven't blogged in such a while was because i felt trapped in my thoughts. i mean, i would go from one extreme to another with feelings of fear and loneliness. but never wanting to die or take my own life, which was a fortune.

to my understanding, depression is common with those suffering renal failure and on dialysis. please google these facts on your own to gain your own perspective and knowledge. but for me, realizing this was (or could be my fate) is/was pretty terrifying.

being able to control or monitor my thoughts and feelings and maintaining a sense of calm and peace and harmony is the realm i prefer to station. the idea of feeling so low and lifeless is something i guess i'll have to continue battling until my end.

we all are fighting through something, right? i mean, reality is, are you you winning the battle or not?

one can never really know what others are suffering in silence through. i'm thankful no one could actually read my thoughts then, yet my heart felt so heavy. breathing took great strength and courage.

deep down, i know i have to fight. fight tenaciously if not for myself, but all those who may hold me dear. i know my illness has taught me that i am truly fortunate with a great deal of amazingly genuine people in my life. aside from my dear husband, kids and father; i have been gifted a host of quality people and my heart always radiates with joy at the idea that yeah, my mother may not love me, but so many other people do.

just returned home from an early morning swim. on non dialysis days, i get up at 5 am. head to the gym. since i'm still healing from a toe fracture, i've been swimming only. no machine circuits and no biking for the time being. i stay in the pool for about an hour in a half. swimming laps back and forth the entire time. resting for a few seconds in between. then whirlpool, shower, steam, shower, steam. moisturize.

[there was a time when i was repulsed at the idea of utilizing public wet facilities. but a near death experience can rid one of possible ocd proclivities and promote fearless and mindful living]

remember, i had my first swim lesson last summer. a stranger surprised me with this paid lesson. i guess this unknown person witnessed my efforts in the pool.

i would try to do what i read in swim books and viewed on youtube, as lessons were unaffordable then and now. from that one lesson though, plus another surprise lesson i've practiced technique each time i was privileged the opportunity.

minor health setbacks kept me out of the pool longer than i would have liked. but once wellness resurfaced i was back in the pool as soon as possible. i feel so free.

today, i was so happy. so proud of what i've accomplished thus far in the water. i'm rambling. time for a nap.

my comfort level is remarkable. for the longest i could not comprehend the breathing while swimming. everything about breathing while kicking, while this, while that was so complicated, yet i was determined.

and today, i must say. my determination paid off. "I'M SWIMMING!"

Received my dialysis lab results today. They take all the necessary labs monthly. Also, certain ones are taken twice per month.

This month, my labs were satisfactory except for one, which has been high some time now. Phosphorus. Phosphorus is found in most if not all foods, but higher in some. On the renal diet (until I get a kidney) I am to AVOID high phosphorus foods such as: milk, cheese/dairy, dried beans nuts, chocolate and colas.

I LOVE cheese. Cheese has been my primary weakness most of my life. And giving it up, even if it can potentially kill me has been my obstacle.

The range is normally 2.5 - 5.5. February it was 6.2. March it is 6.2, meaning I haven't learned from the previous month. For me, these readings are like a school report card. Typically a disciplined person,  I usually aim for excellence (as I've encouraged my kids). What's the lesson for me in this rut I feel stuck in?

Today I could tell when my awesome dietitian was slowly approaching me with several lab sheets in her hand that I wasn't going to been happy with the results. I couldn't slyly escape, walk away as I had several minutes left on the dialysis machine. Sigh.

On top of this, I've been craving a huge glass of chocolate milk - which I've been avoiding until I received excellent results on my labs. Looks like I've been indulging in too much of the other forbidden foods. Reality is, I'll never be privileged a big glass of anything, especially chocolate... not with these defected kidneys.

Perhaps the stress I've been subject to lately has been weakening my self-control. Despite my current challenges, I'm confident that I'll soon find my way.

Presently I'm in the midst of an uphill battle. Exhausting myself beyond my limits in order to stay emotionally and physically healthy. As written in a previous post, my mother (estranged) is not well. And since I'm her only child, others are contacting me. Dilemma is, she's kept me out of her life, as well as any of her personal business. She's well off, and has the means to have an abundantly stable and satisfactory life, but chooses/creates chaos and drama instead.

Degrees of downright foolishness has been going on with her my entire life. Just when I became conscious, and less afraid. I simply removed myself. For me and my immediate families well being.

And now, my peace and tranquility is being interrupted. In the beginning, which is days ago, while trying to find resources while gaining more insight into her dangerous world. I got my head bit right off. She called and savagely laid into me. "Stay away from me. I don't need you" amongst many other scary obscenities which I dare not list in my blog. Her vicious rant concluded with her traditional, "have a blessed day". Despite her abuse and neglect, she's always been hyper-religious. Had me in constant paralyzing fear of her and the Lord most of my life.

When it comes to me, she reveals more of who she is when she thinks no one is listening. However, this night my husband can hear her loud, abrasive chastisement over the phone.

Paraphrased: "Why do you put up with this? Doesn't she know you are not well?" He went on, "only I'm going to have to care for you when you completely fall apart. Like usual, she's not going to care". He concluded, "start speaking up for yourself. Other times you won't let anyone pounce over you like that".

Now my husband never ever voices his opinion on matters such as these. He's just there, picking up the pieces and loving me through whatever it is. But this is hard. He's been watching me fall completely apart over her well being. Watched my unconditional compassion as I try to search for quality resources for her individual circumstances.

Watched me collapse at the end of the day. Witnessed the sleepless nights. The upset stomach. The sea of tears. The wondering, "what can I do?"

He's watched me be impatient with him and our twelve year old daughter. They are getting the brunt of my anguish. My fears. They are unfairly experiencing the wrath [my mother] should very well feel.

The intent for this update was to blog about how my day was much more peaceful, ironically. After her last tongue-lashing, I sorta let go. Re-estrange myself.

Fortunately I have peace in my world. Privileged an awesome husband. Incredible kids. Quality friendships & relationships. Reside in a safe and family-oriented community. Great doctors.

I'm focusing on what's good in my world. I've already spent a lifetime healing from a hellish childhood. And I dare not go backwards simply because a few may be judging my staying away from her. Yet "they" don't want to deal with her. "They" may not help my husband (in the darkness of the night) help me -- get through an episode of intense grief.

My father has been an amazing support throughout this. He wasn't present in my youth, but he's here now, for which I'm immensely grateful. I absolutely adore him. The contrast between him and my mother is glaring. But... I'm here as a result of the both of them.

I digress. This day was great. I slept through my entire dialysis treatment at 4 am. Three hours. I slept peacefully that night before. I really need rest and peace in order to continue surviving this renal/stroke condition.

Unfortunately I've been nibbling and craving the foods I can not have -- cheese, potatoes, tomatoes, avocados, bananas, ice cream, peanut butter, oranges/juice; even chocolate milk. According to the Renal Diet (google), certain foods are forbidden. I've been told as well as I've researched the risk involved if I consume. But lately, in particular I've noticed, either I don't care or I'm not paying attention or I just welcome death at that moment. No, I don't want to die. But I do want to escape. And food has been an affordable means to do so.

It has recently been brought to my attention, my mother (aside from a year after my illness, whom I've been estranged for decades) needs my help. And now it has gotten to the point where she'll have minimal power to reject me, as she always have. At some point considering, she's kept her life private from me, I'm going to have to seek legal counsel, for which I have no current resources.

I have been beyond stressed for the past few days. Knots in my upset stomach. Fears. Discomfort. Like now, it's 3:00 am. I have dialysis in an hour - 4:00 am. I have not slept. Tortured memories of an abusive, neglectful, sad childhood keeps playing in my head like a movie reel. Nothing I do to distract from the pain has been of comfort.

Prior to renal disease, when I'd have these memories of my childhood, I was mobile enough to just get up and move my body. No matter the late hour, I'd go for a run. Go for a drive. I'd just get up and go. Move until my disturbed mind calms. But now. I'm stuck. Stuck in my thoughts that are causing debilitating discomforts. A mental and emotional prison because I no longer have the strength or the resource to get up and move.  To go.

My 78 year old mother, who has gone blind over the years, is now in worse shape. Few, if any in the circles she has frequented even know she has a daughter who lives only a few cities away.

Amongst her many secrets, I am one. But now, I'm needed. Not by her, per se, but others who have grown concerned for her situation. I have gotten updated on how she, a person of wealth, has been showing up at her senior center smelling of urine and feces. Combative. Needing more assistance than the usual but has been angrily refusing assistance from those who may trying to help. Facility staff has been puzzled on what to do for a woman who has been active in her community for decades. And no one could notify me directly because again, as far as they knew, I did not exist.

So now, reluctantly, but compassionately I'm taking steps to help. Be there for a person who always been absent or abandoned me in my times of need, be there for her in hers.

My father who was not around in my youth, is here for me through this. thankfully. My rock. I don't want my dear husband involved because he has enough on his plate - caring for me. Tending to our homeschooled daughter. Working. Maintaining the household.

There is so much to figure out. She owns a lot of property for which there is enormous disorganization. She's always had unsavory people around taking advantage, so I don't know to what extent this element has destroyed.

I have limited to no insight to her personal business, even though I'm her only child and have never, ever given her any reason to distrust me, she has never let me in. I've always been like, "the other female" as if, I were some stranger for which, she had to compete.

Without going into all the uglier details, I'm in a very difficult predicament, which I predict, will go on for years, considering all the secrets and her possessions. My main goal is to make sure she's safe and secure. Despite her treatments of me, her well being is my concern. And right now, the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Somehow, I must muster up the resilience to navigate through the processes and environments and obstacles that I'm not at all prepared for.

I gotta present myself with confidence and strength (reveal no weakness even though I feel weak) as in a couple of days I will go and meet with the center my mother frequents. Stoically sit through and listen and try to comprehend all the sordid details the staff and possibly fellow participants are willing to share. Hopefully I'll be equipped with the knowledge, the resources to get me to the next unknown step within this dreaded experience.

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is the anniversary date since being on dialysis (2014). My how time has raced by. I'm so thankful for my health, my strength.