Currently I write from the confinements of my dialysis chair. Here since 4:45 am (for my 3x's, 3 hrs per week treatments)  with 2 1/2 hours left. Additional policies and procedures has been implemented due to coronavirus. Strict adherence is rigorously being enforced.

Temperature taken, mask/gown given immediately prior to entering facility. Hands and fistula washed prior to being seated. Both my husband and I (who sits/stays with me during entire treatment for the past six plus years) are to go through extra sanitary precautions. However, he can no longer rest in the car  (and re-enter) during my long treatments after today. He is to either stay full three plus hours seated in a hard, uncomfortable chair by my side, or go to the car (or leave) and pick me up when I'm done. We're adaptive.

I greatly  appreciate the updated policies and procedures being done to keep us high-risk patients, dedicated staff and committed visitors protected. We are compliant minus any complaints. It is vital that renal patients continue routine life-sustaining treatments - regardless of the terrorizing pandemic upon us. There is not a day that we can miss dialysis with our compromised kidneys.

Usually I sleep soundly through the full three hours. Once I’m set up, enormous needles inserted, and all my comforts (pillows, socks, blankets, eye covering; books, water, phone, tablet, knitting and fan nearby) are in place, I’m out. My husband remains by my side until I’m comfortable and settled then he leaves to rest in the car until time is near for my needles to be removed. But now, he has to stay in the unit during my entire treatments. I worry the strain this portion may cause, especially since he works soon after we arrive home. When will he rest?

Once three hours are up, more time is spent firmly pressing on fistula holes until openings clot in order to stop bleeding. Bandages are  left on for several hours at home to assure sufficient clotting; otherwise, blood squirts nonstop everywhere.

My blood pressure is taken and if the readings are adequate,  I weigh myself to determine amount of fluid removed. Finally, I go home to rest, especially these days with "stay at home". Typically I'm very active afterwards.  Daily responsibilities and social activities - which are crucial to my mental well-being.

I write all this to bring up a recent occurrence. I’ve begun to experience extreme "hot flashes" for two or more hours while confined to dialysis chair (one arm with two huge needles and the other with regular monitoring blood pressure cuff).  During this time I’m sweating profusely  (even though it gets extremely cold in unit requiring me to cloak myself in two blankets topped by a  big, heavy, comfy handmade quilt). Any sleep is not happening under these recent unpleasant overheated conditions. All the comforts mentioned above are removed.  I begin to vigorously fan myself while anxiously counting the hours. Staff nor my husband can help me through the hormonal misery.

Now mind you, my mental state has already been waning for months now. February 14th of this year (2020) marked 6 years of renal failure/dialysis. The estimated waiting list for a transplant is up to 10 years (here in California). So, initially I was internally celebrating my approaching the privilege of receiving a quality & functional kidney, only to discover, I will no longer urinate until transplant.

Months ago I realized I hadn’t urinated in awhile. Prior to this change I was expelling a little over a drop mostly, and happily, a stream on rare occasion. After inquiring the nature of this change, I was informed that eliminating urine will cease for most on dialysis by year six. For some reason, this fact devastated me. Quietly I mourned my inability to pee. However, I eventually became more gleeful for the ability to still have bowel movements. *Perspective.

As time progressed, I had fewer days of mourning which evolved into more frequent days of optimism. I was relieved for the renewed persistence, the determination to finally press forward with my usual outlook on my condition. Monitor my attitude. Continue with dreadful renal diet coupled with beneficial exercise - for me, mainly hours of athletic lap swimming combined with biking, walking and weights.

Fast forward to now. A mammoth crisis which seemed unfathomable considering status in the world. Daily I find myself declining into total emotional darkness. I feel guilt during those abysmal moments where I may struggle to stay in the NOW. After all, I still have so much to be thankful for.

Realistically, NOW is really all we ever had before this crisis. NOW will remain all we ever have after this crisis. We gotta hold on. Stick around to see the sunshine. A reassuring rainbow lovingly arching all those countries negatively affected by this nefarious virus.

My heart breaks for those suffering with illness, with death of their loved ones. The domino effect of all the continued loss and uncertainty is too much. I wanna hide deep beneath my fortunate "safety at home". Cower by burying my head in the sand until it's all over.

Everyday I  chase a sense of normalcy and balance. I take a the time to bathe in sheer gratitude. Thankful for what remains now. My family, my friends, my acquaintances, my associates are fine. No reasonable emotion of feeling alone. After all, we are all in this together with our understandable fears, anxieties, stresses, worries;  mental frailties. Everyone can't be a hero(ion) 24/7

Personally, I’ve survived a plethora of life’s unthinkable(s). Have lived through the unimaginable. During all those dreadful horrors I felt painfully alone. Catastrophic misery. Oftentimes I wanted to give up. Immediately angered to face another day. How much can one person bare, I’d wonder. Now this. This thing with absolutely no solution. Not even the most brilliant mind has an answer. So now what?

What do we do, where do we go in the midst of all our social, political, religious, racial, cultural divisiveness plaguing our planet in spite all the self-righteousness.

WE Rise!
Rise above all those destructive thoughts, tantrums, tyrannies & traits. In truth, all our journey's are different. Who and what we are is ultimately the result of where we've been as an individual. Have compassion. Human decency. Change first gotta happen from within as one leads and lectures by example.

I can't judge the next person for their undeniable difference(s) in beliefs/philosophy/ideology/mythology no more than anyone can judge me. In the end, which is what this thing is revealing - all of us are perishable. The virus is one of the fewest things that has proven not to discriminate. It ravages us all with it's hate.

It is becoming clear. It attacks, it destroys the good, the bad and the ugly. We've lost too many that were contributors of the "good" in this world. They are gone too soon, but never forgotten.

Fact is. The continued chaos has proven this is no hoax. We all are stressed, some depressed. This thing is definitely humbling. It reveals who we really are as a nation, as a people. Character has no color. No political affiliation. No religious denomination. All are capable of embodying morality and hopefully teaching/demonstrating to our offspring genuine values in order to peacefully contribute to global harmony for all.

Let's all move forward. Let's listen to and embrace sincere expressions of honesty, empathy, scientific intelligence and common sense reasoning. Those authentically displaying humanitarian compassion, unity and productivity for the betterment of human/womankind ~ baring the unwavering qualities essential to establishing all that's necessary (regardless of cost, class, country or color) to bring forth an immediate ending to this hellish nightmare.

Figure out how we can use ourselves, our resources minus an agenda other than to come together as one.

Please, for the sake of yourselves, your families/friends and your fellowman --- Stay home. Exercise social distancing. Wear masks. Wash your hands thoroughly. Listen to the experts on this type of thing. Let's get through this together - in one piece, with renewed minds and hearts.

Thank all  of those using their talents, gifts and hearts unselfishly to help, to heal. The pure goodness of others is what gives me hope. Sadly, I'm afraid. Hope is not enough.

til Next time,
Sage

Since Sunday, January 26th 2020, my heart has been broken into a zillion pieces.

Not that I was a major fan. Admittedly, I had issues with the perceived selfishness with the ball. The seemed arrogance annoyed me to no end. However, there was extreme respect. The few things I knew of him, outside of basketball was impressive. His intelligence. His confidence. His work ethic. His determination. His focus.

There was much about who and what he was to be admired. Many aspects of his character were qualities a parent can only wish for in their offspring.

My heart goes out to those privileged to actually know him. His family and his friends. I can't imagine the anguish they are feeling at every second of the day.

How will the world recover from this? How can any of us watch another basketball game and not think, not grieve for his absence in this world?

What a loss of this magnitude reminds me of. To live your life to the absolute fullest. Set the bar high for yourself and work diligently to achieve dreams and desires. Be confident. Be strong.

Face your obstacles. Face your mistakes head on. Be responsible and earn forgiveness by being of exemplary character. Be worthy of honor and respect.

This loss reminds me that bad things can certainly happen to the best of us. No one is exempt from intense pain. We have to be kind to one another. For no one knows what the future holds.

Next month (February 6th), my deceased daughter would have been 20 years old. As the date of her birth approaches, anxiety grows. How did I survive the loss of a child all these years? How can any parent bare life without their child in it?

This recent loss is a reminder that we gotta go on. We gotta move forward through the grief of life's unthinkables. We gotta take one step at a time until we get to the other side of pain. Through our grief, may we learn compassion.  Learn not to waste time and energy on the superficial.

May we become more determined to accomplish those goals that frighten us. Make the necessary changes within that we wish to experience in others. Life is short. So let's start now making positive things happen in this world. Leave an impact improves the conditions of that in need of improvements.

A son, a father, a husband, a brother, a friend, a mentor, a legend is gone. Forever gone from this world of so much pain and suffering and heartache and disappointment. But if we all stop to reflect on just how fortunate we all are -- for he, his greatness was here in our lifetime.

RIP Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gigi and all those other lives lost.

How does one adaquately grieve the loss of an abusive, neglectful, toxic parent?

So far, I feel numb. Free of any self-imposed guilt or judgement. Free of any concern of possible misjudgments from others. I know my heart. I know my journey. I know pain and suffering.

Through these moments, I’m being naturally still and silent. Attentive to my thoughts and lack of emotion. Thoroughly loving and nurturing myself. Appreciating the condolences from others.

How will I continue to evolve through the finality of this unpleasant chapter in my life? I do know -  I am filled with immense gratitude. Though reluctantly, I was given life back in 1967. I’ve lived, I’ve survived so much. Thankfully, through all the horrors, I’m still here. I am still here!

I’ve been fortunate a family who loves me minus any conditions — amazing husband and kids. I have chosen an extended family — quality friendships/relationships. For without my birth, they all wouldn’t be.

What I do know. At this very moment (currently here on the dialysis machine), I AM worthy. And finally, I am FREE from exhaustively trying to prove my worth (since 1967) to someone lacking basic, priceless, instinctive maternal abilities.

I’ve spent my lifetime grieving. Perhaps this is why there are no more tears in this moment of stillness and silence.

Granted eternal sleep in your sleep, RIP mother.

Hello World!

Yes, I'm still here.
Fairly healthy, and gratefully happy.

I've had tons of great subjects to write about since my last post. Unfortunately, by the time I get a minute to sit down, uninterrupted and write, the thought, the passion is gone.

Soon after my last swim. I hurried to the shower room. Discreetly texted myself writing ideas that naturally came to mind in the middle of lap swimming.

For now, I wanted to say something.
Remind readers to look out for next post.

Until next time,
Sage

RIP Nipsey Hussle

R.I.P Anthony Bourdain

My strong-willed, intelligent, athletic, beautiful, almost 6 feet 13 year old daughter wants to attend high school. The mere thought of it terrifies me. It's not going to happen (as long as I'm alive), however I'm willing to compromise to some degree.

I know she wants to go for the sports opportunities and the possible friendships. The thing is, she has both within her current and past daily life now. My husband and I have always been mindful home-school parents. Not your traditional or stereotypical home-schoolers {I won't define or elaborate on  what that profile tends to be here}. Nor are our reasons for home-schooling traditional or stereotypical. Neither are our methods and philosophies.

We've always made sure our kids were not only academic, but also they both were/are athletic. And skilled in the various competitive sports they participate.

They both are socially intelligent. Meaning they can have a substantive or silly conversation with anyone.  Friendships and quality relationships are abundant in their lives. We are continuously complimented on the human beings we've raised. Though it's an uphill battle at times, we wouldn't trade the honor of being their parents for anything.

Now, when my severely hormonal daughter gets in one of her moods. When she's combative and defiant, and bullheaded, she gears in that sensitive area that will get at me most, "well, I'm going to high school!" - disrespectfully blurted without thought mostly when she's not getting what she wants.

I'm like, she has no idea what school is like. How most traditionally schooled youth would easily trade lives with her. No, we are not wealthy or permissive, but we do make sure she is nurtured and educated and thriving in life. She's never bored or overstimulated.

Parenting is so hard. Days when I feel we got this, we're gliding through tiny parenting obstacles as if we are Teflon, our dear daughter says or does something to place our smug behinds back on that treacherous, hormonal, no-fun roller coaster ride -- instantly back to reality.

Taking her phone, limiting her computer access, giving her written consequences (usually extra research or math assignments), telling her, "NO" is as if we are hanging her by her disobedient tongue. Naked and wet to a splintered wooden post and beating her nonstop with piece of hot metal.

There has to be rules and boundaries and expectations. On top of that, we have to pay attention, meaning not go to sleep at the wheel of parenting.

Even when my daughter died (2000), when my health changed (2014), those unthinkable, unbearable life crisis did not deter us from parenting. All along it's been just us (and hopefully we've been quality role models on how to survive and stay positive regardless).

No, we are not in our kids behinds 24/7 but we are close enough to smell their  @#%& if it stinks.

I remember when our 21 year old son was her age. The educational choices were a mild stress even then. Our son wasn't begging to go to high school or anything. But we were contemplating allowing him to attend a local high school then, for the overall experience. Something changed our minds quickly & definitely though. And that was that. We never looked back. He was then tested, later enrolled in our local junior college where he thrived academically, socially. Graduated with multiple degrees and with honors at 16. He is now at a highly ranked college of his choice on an academic scholarship about to graduate this May.

We don't expect our daughter to duplicate our son. However, she is qualified, just as academic (and athletic) as he was/is. So the sky is the limit for her, and as parents, we do have certain expectations. I'm sure once the hormones settle she'll be back to her reasonable and sweet, Care Bear self. But as of  now, "beam me up Scotty!"