All I want to do is EAT!

Go to bed thinking about food. Wake up (just now) thinking about food. This was never my state of being before. Ever. What's happening now? I'm scared.

My stomach is already starting to descend. My hands feel tight but don't look swollen. But my eyes are puffy. So far, my feet are fine, no swelling there. I  don't know what to do, besides stop eating (not totally, but you understand what I mean, not as much).

Still learning about my condition. I'm reluctant to write concrete details due to my ignorance. So I'll write with the suggestion, "research..." *Currently reading and researching...

Research dry weight (dialysis related). I'm starting to get silently paranoid about every time I go to dialysis (3 days a week/3 hours each visit. Forever, or until... Sage "gets" a kidney), Each visit before my treatment I'm weighed. Imagine that for a moment. Actually seeing and monitoring your weight a few times a week! Needing to keep it within a certain range - and not go over, thus you may have painful consequences for the full three yours on the dialysis machine (which has been "my" experience), or even worse. And I  don't want to see what that "worse" may be.  I'm scared. Still... all I want to do is eat. And drink.

I love to drink iced water. Brewed iced tea. Fresh squeezed, pulp filled orange juice (which I can't have - see renal diet). If I go over my liquid intake, I'm in trouble health wise. Research - liquid restriction while on dialysis. All I want to do is drink, which could mean, I ate too much salt (which I can't have - research renal diet). So in my head, I'm like, "oh sh-t!" most of the time.

It's now Saturday (Memorial Day weekend). Again, I woke up thinking about food. Requested to my husband we go to one of my favorite places today - Farmers Market. Being home bodies and frugal (i.e. gas), our local FM is the one we frequent the most. Open to venturing out to the others when time and energy (and money) provides. I'm happiest in the most free[est], natural[est] places with the most culturally diverse crowd. I absolutely LOVE observing and meeting new people. Listening to all the different dialects and trying to figure the origin of each. Noticing how the various groups of families and couples interact. Talking to strangers as if we were friends. Seeing and learning new things and hopefully getting smarter and possibly attracting new quality friendships in the process.

As soon as I'm done with this blog entry, we are on way out to our adventure. At the FM tasting bits of the this/that I can't have (renal diet), like sampling the cheese. Oh wait, the cheese guy is there just on Tuesdays. Hmm, what can I taste on Saturday. Oh, the forbidden oranges, the nuts; and other foods and fruits. At this particular market, the fruit taste like juicy candies in my mouth. All that flavor is seducing to my taste buds. I get happier there.

All I want to do is eat. I woke up craving this Hawaiian wok BBQ chicken bowl there. Which I haven't had in over a year now. It's very yummy. Comes with grilled chicken, white rice, zucchini and pineapples. Today I'm going to have mine with the chicken, and the zucchini. Maybe add the pineapples. I'd want extra BBQ sauce, but that may not be the smartest decision considering the sodium intake. Watching the salt is the extra challenge and risk of eating out.

Um, maybe I'll have a fruity drink from the Salvadorian vendor. Pulpy, lots of fresh fruits inside - I think it's called a fruit punch type drink - Fresco Ensalada. Or maybe a simple lemonade w/little ice will suffice. We can all get a drink from each place then we'll share.

I don't/we don't really cook so eating is not as fun within my family. My daughter is a budding cook and loves to eat, so we're looking forward to the day when she is comfy and efficient in the kitchen.

Any day with my husband and kids makes me feel.. wealthy. With my son being away at college, it's the three of us, my daughter, hubby and myself. Today we'll do something basic but fun. Just be together. Spending little to no money, but spending what's quality - time together.

I can remember not too long ago, when my therapist (LOVED them) would take me to the FM for therapy. And I'd "try" to walk as much as I could. Even with the walker, it was challenging. Trying to speak (which had been totally lost for months) to all my friends - who were the vendors and fellow shoppers. I can remember the joy felt all over my body, was like positive energy radiating through me ~ to share space and be visually vulnerable with genuine folk. It must have been love felt - love is what got me here, I believe.

Speaking of which, I love love Anthony Bourdain. Google him. He is a chef who travels all over the world tasting food. His TV show, "Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown" and show, "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations" are my favorites. Being without the financial or health means to travel, I go all over the world, eating with him - in my "mind" of course. Yeah, Bourdain and I travel all over, mingling with the locals, learning about dietary customs among different cultures. We have absolutely a fantastic time laughing, exploring, learning, EATING, drinking, listening,... all in my mind. In my lifetime, before it's over, I hope to have the means, the resources, the kidney to travel.

that's all for now,

Sage