Life has an interesting way of slowing some of us down. Prior to my health situation, I was going and going - even with the chronic migraines, I kept going. Either my mind or my body or both was in constant motion. And there I was, thinking my daughter's death (2000) slowed me down. But looking back from this moment currently to before hospitalizations (I can no longer say, since my illness because apparently my health was deteriorating progressively over the years since 2000. I was just in denial, I guess), I was too busy. Yeah, I stopped working. Went on what I called a "hiatus". But fifteen years out of work is turning out to be more than a hiatus. And now, with a physical disability (without the benefits) I find myself fearless and motivated. In a letter to my clients fifteen years ago, I stated, "I'll return when my passion does". Staying away from a craft that I loved - hair-styling  was not what I planned. Hell, I didn't "plan" anything. Life just happened, for me, painfully [head held high]. My point in writing was to express how I'm currently reflecting on the realization the slowing down. And being on dialysis since 2014 now, I'm growing accustomed to this slower pace. Yeah 2000 I started seeing things in more of a slower fashion, I mean really really "seeing" with consciousness. The world seemed and has remained different since the loss, but it's more so. Now in this much more altered state, my body has been forced into idledom. Which forces an attentiveness. A sightfulness. Added discernment. Regardless of my ailments, I still exercise without any excuses. Push myself to do as much as I can for myself. Maintaining (controlling) a sense of independence despite any frailties. While on dialysis I'm doing things I normally did but with a different brain that forces me to try to comprehend in a intricate way. Common sense things no longer come as easy since the stroke/renal failure. Being challenged in understanding basics is foreign to me but has accelerated my growth in an odd way. Perhaps I'll write more concrete once I have found the words to express this feeling that I'm desperate to share. This feeling of appreciation in this life challenge that has me now a holder of a blue disability sticker for the vehicle in which I travel. Additional "stillness" is seeming to be a needed fortune that has me in this moment, blissfully grateful yet perplexed at my own gratitude. In my surreal lifetime I have been and learned to be even more resolute, resilient and rational with life's setbacks. In the slowness, becoming more thankful and aware of that which I'm thankful. Each milestone, rising like a phoenix within the stillness.