It is February 6th. Happy 17th birthday my beloved daughter.

Your dad, older brother and subsequent, younger sister, we all miss you. Continue to honor and celebrate your short, yet significant life. Embracing what/who you were. What you could have/should have had the privilege to live, experience and become. Times remain challenging in every way since your absence. Today's troubles, though arduous, will never compare to the anguish of losing you.

Mommy pushes harder especially when she wants to give up. Whining and putting off what I can and could do today is not in the mindset. Losing you has continued to be my teacher. Some of us (who grieve in silence baring invisible wounds) -- We smile. We share. We care. Somehow we carry on. We may laugh. Yet we love genuinely, graciously and generously.

Having a child gives parents the greatest joy. Losing a child gives parents the greatest pain. Childbirth can't really be explained. Neither can child[loss]. Both have to be experienced to be comprehended.

We celebrate your life, your date of birth in our own way. Much like other deceased significant people are celebrated, today is a holiday for us and has been since your unexpected death.

Dad is off work. Your sister has a day off homeschooling. Hopefully your brother is honoring you in his way while at college. Some years we get a cake and balloons go somewhere or do something special depending on finances and mood.

We cleanse our body, minds and environment by eating healthier. Monitoring our thoughts more closely. Keeping them aligned with those things and experiences with which we'd prefer to attract.
De-cluttering our living space and if needed, relationships. Honing in on the substantive, meaningful; beneficial necessities to maintain an enlightened life.

Dear child, you are always in my heart. On my mind. Thankfully mommy gets stronger each day in life outliving her child. Stoically I continue on with my life's journey. Hoping to become a much better, brighter person each day. Inspiring, uplifting others, hopefully.

Honestly, some days are harder than others. Silently I continue to grieve. I've learned. Then I or your dad piece me (or ourselves) back together and we face the world, with a smile. With awareness.

Living and let live. Whatever my beliefs and philosophies are, actually living them myself. Not imposing "my values" on others. Being myself what I want to see in the world. Being that friend I want to have, etc. Essentially, intending to treat/respect others the way I want to be treated/respected.

Unselfishly aiming to be authentically kind, courteous, compassionate, supportive, honest, loyal...

Being a quality mother, wife, friend, neighbor and stranger is my intent each day with every breath I take. Living a conscious, purposeful life is necessary to get through without crumbling over the trivial. Being of strength and courage. Striving to be a good example to my kids.

Renal disease has not broken me. Because looking back, if I survived all these years without you, like the Sage I've gradually become in that time-span, I can sagaciously get through. Carrying on.

Turns out, one of the knitting groups we attend (attend several different ones) has informed me, my daughter is no longer welcomed.

I was stunned when we heard this. After all, we have been faithfully attending this particular group for years, and have bonded with many of those who attend.

Recently my daughter had to go to the front office to get something. One of the ladies in the group volunteered to help my daughter (who also sews) with her Serger machine.

We brought her machine with us this visit for the lesson. But did not have all the tools needed to thread the machine. When my daughter had to to go ask for a pair of tweezers, one of the head staff in charge was there. And I guess she'd never seen my daughter, who is a valued participant of this (and other groups).

This woman came into where we all were knitting, "who's child is this?" . "Mine" , I answered.
Woman went on about the activity is for seniors. "I'm no senior" I replied. "How old are you?", the woman inquired. "49, 50 this October". "Okay, I'll let you attend, but your daughter can not".

I was devastated. I take my kids wherever I go. I want them to learn and see what I experience. My daughter have helped some of the women there with their projects. They all love having her there.

Fortunately, my daughter is still welcome to the other groups we attend. Somehow, I'll adjust to not having her accompany me.

It has been over a week since my stitches and staples have been removed following  fistula surgery. Remember, beginning of this year I had surgery on the aneurysm that had developed as a result of sticking huge, painful needles in my arm three times a week for necessary treatments. Enormous, grotesque knots develop, thus surgery.

During the election, I was hospitalized due to a fistula infection. This was not the cause of the recent surgery but infection had to be treated prior to surgery. 

There has been a long wait to get back in the pool. I just had my first swim lesson over the summer and have been swimming {every non-dialysis day} since. So, I'm anxious for doctors to approve me to get back into the water. And of course, I'll soon be blogging about this joyous experience. 

Now that my twelve year old daughter has had her menstrual cycle -- PMS for a couple of years now, my patient husband and impatient me have decided to give her (us) a week off during those days of pure chaos. Any reason or rationality goes out the door. Complete pandemonium.

This is one of the many benefits to homeschooling. I've noticed during my kids years of puberty and hormones, we all needed to step away from our usual routine. Either get more sleep, more food, more alone time, whatever.

My go-to remedy for when my kids behavior gets out-of-control, I do one or all of the following: Feed them. Focusing primarily on highly nutritious food. Because I suspect that maybe their temporary behavior issue is caused by an imbalance in their diet.

Next, I give them a long, warm, relaxing bath. Bathroom is scented with relaxing fragrances, lights are dimmed, etc. At some point, I'll gently clean their backs. Maybe even give them a quick foot rub.

And finally, I'll put them to bed. I believe sleep is crucial during their growing years. Preteens, teens are still going through growth spurts. And I noticed behavior changes during this time as well. Additional sleep helps them rest their body and mind. Eventually waking up behaving like their "normal sweet selves".

But, if "I'm hormonal too", this is a different story. There are times I may not have the patience needed to be more compassionate with "my own kids" during this challenging time. During those times, I may need... to eat, need a bath, need to sleep.

One of the sweet, beloved older ladies from one of my knitting groups died last week. Just three weeks ago she told me, that she had six months. Thankful she trusted me with this disturbing news, first I was speechless. I informed her of my honesty, "I don't know what to say", as I squeezed her affectionately like I always did. Stoicly she was appreciative for my compassion.

Thinking back now, I've learned so much from this bittersweet experience. This Canadian, bilingual, french speaking woman taught me even more about tenacity. How to keep living through adversity. Though she knew she was dying, she continued on with her usual life routine.

Many of us ladies (my husband, and daughter included) valued her as a fellow participant. She was an extremely knowledgeable knitter. Many participants still have unfinshed projects she was graciously assisting them with.

This knitting group is not a class. All levels are welcomed. Whenever one of us is challenged by a stitch or project, usually another avail themselves to assist. Even myself, or my husband or even my twelve year old daughter helps someone with a challenge (and vice versa).

Looking back, I'm sure she suspected she had very limited time left. She expressed no fear
and a feisty determination to keep going with her life. She was there answering questions and also completing projects she was making for others.

It was such an honor to have experienced her. I loved her strength, her compassion. She always inquired about how I was feeling. Encouraged me to keep going and that I'd soon get a kidney. I even have a pink hat she gave me. And knitting books she gave me and my husband.

During meetups, I look over to her usual spot, where she sat. One leg was amputated, yet her son brought her to every knit activity. She was there. Continuing...

Message: keep going. Don't procrastinate. No one knows how long. She was told six months. But unfortunately, she had far less time. But with her time, she continued. Did what she wanted. Helped others. Was kind, regardless of her fate.

What a privilege to go to bed, wake up knowing those most important to me are safe and well. I'm in good health and spirits. We all have the things we need - each other, quality friends, food and shelter. And what an extra bonus each year to go to sleep New Years Eve and wake New Years day to continued Twilight Zone episodes. Regardless of seeing repeats, each viewing is as enjoyable as the first time.

About 10:00 pm, New Years Eve, instantly I had a brief bout feeling melancholy. Sort of frightened by another new year fastly approaching. "Did I accomplish all intentions in 2016?" I quietly wondered. No, I no longer write down resolutions each year. But I do "think" about those things I'd like to happen (and what I intend to do to bring my desires into fruition).

Mentally listing all the life lessons I've learned. All the amazing experiences I was fortuned. Inspirational people who've touched my life. New friends and relationships that have developed.

Time seems to be racing by. And there are so many moments I just want to last. For instance, my daughter and I snuggled in bed this morning chatting, she, knitting while we both watched Twilight Zone. She's twelve and I'm so thankful she still wants to be under her mom (and dad).

And my son, he's been home for about a week, This trip, he relaxed more and was more himself. Usually when he comes home from the academic intense college he attends and he's stressed. Naturally he's a laid back, affable person. Thankfully this is who he was this trip. Hopefully he's adapting to the stress he  endures at school as he aims to do only his best. His dad and I reminds him that we are truly proud of who and what he is.

I'm having surgery (fistula) tomorrow. Luckily I feel limited to no anxiety about the upcoming procedure. My surgeon is awesome and knowing that I'll be in good hands keeps me calm. I'm in the care of amazing doctors to which I'm grateful.

That's all for now. I know it's been a while since I've last blogged. Thing is, I often have interesting ideas and content in my head. By the time I find the time and energy to write, I'm no longer inspired. Hopefully this all changes in this new year. I'm a creative person and happiest when I'm creating and sharing. May my readership grow this year and years to come. And may I become  a much better blogger.

Happy New Year!

Gift ideas for a dialysis patient ~

A hug, a smile goes a long way.

A card. A note. A call. A text. An email expressing you're thinking of them.

A warm meal (see renal diet). Cooking is always a key to the heart.

If crafty, a hand-made (sew, crochet, knit, loom, etc.) item such as:  a warm blanket. A warm scarf or cowl (neck warmer). Warm socks. Warm ear muffs. Warm gloves. It gets cold in most dialysis units. Comfort is essential during those three hours (or longer) treatments.

Notebook. Pen. *I know I like to write during my treatments. My dialysis bag is full of tools for artistic expression.

Large sturdy travel-type bag. *I take two large bags. One bag, I have my bedding - twin size sheet, a warm twin sized quilt, a small arm pillow (used under needled arm for extra support), a U-shaped pillow (I use mine in front, under my chin opposed to the usual behind the neck). And the other bag, I carry my composition books - one I use to record information about my treatment for the day, such as: arrival time, attending technician, dry weight, labs done, my mood, health issues, blood pressure plus questions for my nephrologist (who comes to the unit once a week).

A long back scratcher. *When confined to one spot for three or more hours one can itch in even the weirdest places. Hard to get to places to. Though my husband is nearby, his nails are not always enough to satisfy or reach the itch.

A wide fan. *Yes, it gets cold. But a few times, it has gotten pretty warm. And I've come close to removing clothing in an attempt to cool off. Thankfully I had my handy fan. Everything necessary is in my bag :)

Tasty lasting snack. *My treatments start at 4:30 am - for three hours. By 7 am, I get hungry. So I keep either a half sandwich. Or crackers. Or a piece of fruit. And hard candies. Most of the time, I have a small water in my bag too.

Thermo cooler. Keep those snacks they may want to stay cold. *I carry those small bag-shaped thermos so that they can fit in my dialysis bag.

Reading material. A nice book mark. Find out renal patients literary interest. *I'm an avid reader. So I keep a book I own, included with due library books to complete in my dialysis bag.

Lotion, chap stitch *Yes, I keep all this in my bag too. Lips and skin gets or feels dry which can add to discomfort.

A mirror. *I keep a small mirror in my bag. No, I haven't used it, yet. But one is there just in case.

Gum, mints, etc. *I one or all of these things in my bag. I'm very paranoid about the freshness of my breath. Though I brush/floss, mouthwash regularly, still. Since this condition, it's harder maintaining a fresh smelling or feeling mouth.

Games - such as, playing cards, chess board, etc. *Sometimes my husband and I play chess (he's teaching me because I want to surprise my chess playing kids).

Ear Phones (and music device), *Of course, these are in my bag, plus something (I forget the name) I use to watch educational videos on. It also can be used to listen to CD's.

Eye mask or shades. *It is very bright inside the units. Sometimes they'll allow patient to wear eye mask or shades.

Calendar - since everyone have the time or energy to figure out how to use their cell phone (if they own one) as a calendar. So a traditional paper calendar can be useful to keep medical appointments. Keep track of medications, list physicians and so on.

Well, that's all I can thing of right now. But I think I've blogged about "What's in my dialysis bag" previously. Take some ideas from what's in my bag to possible purchase or hand-create for someone you may want to do something special. Let me know if this was useful or if you have any questions or suggestions about adding somethings to this list.