so GRATEFUL
so INSPIRED
Thank all the allies!
It lifts my spirit, I am comforted whenever I turn on the TV and see the sea of support.
If you are an ally, please comment. Love heals.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Sigh! Finally. A leader of quality character spoke. Addressed the nation as a whole, without divisive intent. Immediately I felt a sense of peace, love and calm. Obama!!!!
Elegantly spoken with complete, comprehensive sentences and usage of pronoun "WE" instead of, [initially lowercase for smallness] -"me". Unifying language used. What a breath of fresh air to hear HOPE. To hear unity. To hear intelligence. To hear an optimistic approach to how we, as a nation (regardless our individual politics, religion or race) proceed forward.
Obviously I'm shedding my stance on respectfully keeping my beliefs private. From here forward, I will not be silent. No longer afraid of those who may desire sameness in their relationships.
I had enough with the years of US vs THEM.
I've stomached through a great deal of idiocy, ignorance, insanity and self-righteous ugliness. Over the past few years - daily, hour-by-hour divisive horrors. Way before this pandemic, etc. Many of us will need intensive therapy for PTSD, mental illnesses caused by all the trauma(s) from being lead by the guy in office.
Through it all, those of republican/conservative/Pro-Trump ideologies. They've all remained stoically silent.
I'm sure the bully has even bullied the crickets into silence. But the god-fearing party who criticized and was uncivilized towards Obama, I would expect they'd speak up to the guy they chose.
I wonder, if those who voted for this guy, and made their voice heard on a regular. Why the ghosting? I mean, if they were honest with themselves, the truth, the ugly truth for the reasons for settling for such a .... I don't know how I can politely describe. Just feel in the blank for yourselves.
My point is. Once time permits, or even in your head. List the behaviors & tweets of 44 juxtaposed to 45. Make a list so you can have more of a visual. Then, self-evaluate and the real reasons you chose to vote, thus here we are now. A nation fearing for its life on a daily basis. 100,000 plus deaths and counting. Science, reason and intelligence has been threatened and bullied into silence.
Who's behavior would you want a child to mirror (44 or 45)? Does the color of the leaders skin factor in you decision? Did it factor in your 2016 vote?
Before your votes were cast. Did any of you think critically on What Would Jesus (or messiah of choice) Do? While righteously condoning all the evils we've all been subjected, think to yourselves if Obama had us in this mess, and future messes that will negatively affect/infect generations to come, would you be silent?
Now those of us who are innocent, meaning. Had no say so as to who is currently leading us all through this. We all have to suffer. Some of us more than others. The viruses of Covid and Racism. Both rapidly destroying, devastating, devouring those that are, by no choice of their own. Born colored.
Thankfully the world is proving that white superiority is dated and dying out. It's not cool. Look at the sea of multicolored protesters. You are pretty much alone in your hate. Those of good conscious have outnumbered those of bad. For it is character that is superior. And leaders like Obama, the governors and mayors; quality politicians who are peacefully navigating us all (regardless of our politics/religion/race) through this nightmare.
May we, together as humanity - Make America Great From Here On. For it was never "great" for everyone. Today, there is Hope.
I rejoice in diversity. The unity filling the streets across the nation, across the world makes breathing easier.
Elegantly spoken with complete, comprehensive sentences and usage of pronoun "WE" instead of, [initially lowercase for smallness] -"me". Unifying language used. What a breath of fresh air to hear HOPE. To hear unity. To hear intelligence. To hear an optimistic approach to how we, as a nation (regardless our individual politics, religion or race) proceed forward.
Obviously I'm shedding my stance on respectfully keeping my beliefs private. From here forward, I will not be silent. No longer afraid of those who may desire sameness in their relationships.
I had enough with the years of US vs THEM.
I've stomached through a great deal of idiocy, ignorance, insanity and self-righteous ugliness. Over the past few years - daily, hour-by-hour divisive horrors. Way before this pandemic, etc. Many of us will need intensive therapy for PTSD, mental illnesses caused by all the trauma(s) from being lead by the guy in office.
Through it all, those of republican/conservative/Pro-Trump ideologies. They've all remained stoically silent.
I'm sure the bully has even bullied the crickets into silence. But the god-fearing party who criticized and was uncivilized towards Obama, I would expect they'd speak up to the guy they chose.
I wonder, if those who voted for this guy, and made their voice heard on a regular. Why the ghosting? I mean, if they were honest with themselves, the truth, the ugly truth for the reasons for settling for such a .... I don't know how I can politely describe. Just feel in the blank for yourselves.
My point is. Once time permits, or even in your head. List the behaviors & tweets of 44 juxtaposed to 45. Make a list so you can have more of a visual. Then, self-evaluate and the real reasons you chose to vote, thus here we are now. A nation fearing for its life on a daily basis. 100,000 plus deaths and counting. Science, reason and intelligence has been threatened and bullied into silence.
Who's behavior would you want a child to mirror (44 or 45)? Does the color of the leaders skin factor in you decision? Did it factor in your 2016 vote?
Before your votes were cast. Did any of you think critically on What Would Jesus (or messiah of choice) Do? While righteously condoning all the evils we've all been subjected, think to yourselves if Obama had us in this mess, and future messes that will negatively affect/infect generations to come, would you be silent?
Now those of us who are innocent, meaning. Had no say so as to who is currently leading us all through this. We all have to suffer. Some of us more than others. The viruses of Covid and Racism. Both rapidly destroying, devastating, devouring those that are, by no choice of their own. Born colored.
Thankfully the world is proving that white superiority is dated and dying out. It's not cool. Look at the sea of multicolored protesters. You are pretty much alone in your hate. Those of good conscious have outnumbered those of bad. For it is character that is superior. And leaders like Obama, the governors and mayors; quality politicians who are peacefully navigating us all (regardless of our politics/religion/race) through this nightmare.
May we, together as humanity - Make America Great From Here On. For it was never "great" for everyone. Today, there is Hope.
I rejoice in diversity. The unity filling the streets across the nation, across the world makes breathing easier.
Monday, June 1, 2020
Thankful to all non-black races who were angered enough, humane enough to join in protest. I'm hoping you will continue to speak up, to stand up for "black lives". With more voices and actions against toxic racial injustices, the closer our world gets to evolving into a globe where there is true freedom and justice for all.
In the meantime, I will fight through my fears of abandonment. I adore the people whom I associate. I just hope they love me enough. And regardless of the differing beliefs beneath my skin, it won't compel any to secretly attempt to change, control or convert me to their way of thought or beliefs.
Like the many races who sacrificed getting Covid during protest. Sacrificed losing friendships or family who may resent and/or know them standing firm for "black lives to matter". I can stand firm in who/what I am because my life matters.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind". Dr. Seuss
Thank you all (who protested all over the nation) for giving me "light" --- hope in humanity.
In the meantime, I will fight through my fears of abandonment. I adore the people whom I associate. I just hope they love me enough. And regardless of the differing beliefs beneath my skin, it won't compel any to secretly attempt to change, control or convert me to their way of thought or beliefs.
Like the many races who sacrificed getting Covid during protest. Sacrificed losing friendships or family who may resent and/or know them standing firm for "black lives to matter". I can stand firm in who/what I am because my life matters.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind". Dr. Seuss
Thank you all (who protested all over the nation) for giving me "light" --- hope in humanity.
It is now 3:30 am.
I can't sleep.
My hands been trembling all day.
My heart is beating hard and rapidly.
I literally can not function due to all the pain.
The pinned up rage I am feeling.
I am so scared.
Praying Hand emojis will not work.
The racial hatred is too much.
Peacefulness will offers no protection.
If and when I go to sleep, what hatefulness will I awake to?
What will I become after all of this?
Will I continue to be silent?
Do I have to be quiet in order to maintain relationships?
What do I do with this pain?
I need to walk, but I can't.
I need to scream, but I can't.
I need to verbally vent, but I can't.
Quarantine is keeping most of us still, and thankfully so.
Protesters out risking Corona Virus the pain was/is so real.
... most out there were wearing mask, still being out was a risk.
I can't sleep.
My hands been trembling all day.
My heart is beating hard and rapidly.
I literally can not function due to all the pain.
The pinned up rage I am feeling.
I am so scared.
Praying Hand emojis will not work.
The racial hatred is too much.
Peacefulness will offers no protection.
If and when I go to sleep, what hatefulness will I awake to?
What will I become after all of this?
Will I continue to be silent?
Do I have to be quiet in order to maintain relationships?
What do I do with this pain?
I need to walk, but I can't.
I need to scream, but I can't.
I need to verbally vent, but I can't.
Quarantine is keeping most of us still, and thankfully so.
Protesters out risking Corona Virus the pain was/is so real.
... most out there were wearing mask, still being out was a risk.
Sunday, May 31, 2020
How can I be silent?
I move through life keeping my opinions & beliefs to myself. I am careful not to offend. I strongly dislike being misunderstood. I try to peacefully navigate through my relationships while avoiding religious/political conversations. Occasionally my private disdain for certain elements of either may slip, but I never intend any harm.
Regardless, many have had no problems expressing their views to me. Perhaps the know and feel that my love for them is unconditional. I have never chosen friendships based on their color, religion, politics or other. I welcome diversity and differing opinions in my world. I am naturally curious. I am eager to learn, to grow. To explore different things. Different = great in my worldview.
Most may not know, I'm flabbergasted (but remain nonjudgmental) at times. Nevertheless, I still fear potential conflict, misjudgment; being ghosted or even ostracized. *Maybe due to my upbringing.
Respecting the pro-righteous, the pro-lifers, I wonder how many are actually pro-human. I mean, once the child actually breathes life, where are they when someone cries out, "I can't breathe!" thus, dying needlessly at the hands of one of the "righteous".
Living through the climate of anti-science, anti-difference; social/political divisiveness. The constant igniting of blatant ignorance, anarchy and enhanced racial conflict/confrontation. Brainwashing even the docile to do damage to their fellow-human. Where is the righteousness in all that's been observed or experienced over the years?
What about the looting? Well, why the constant murders at the hands of the police? Consider the cause and effect. Eventually the abused in every abuse situation will rise up. Express enough is enough. Gains the courage, the strength and momentum. Not excusing the form of anger, just understanding the primary source of it. Oftentimes anger causes sheer destruction. And all we can do is get out of the way.
What has gotten the persons with the power to listen? Is the powerful listening to peace? Furthermore, what kind of example has the powerful been? Hypocritical in our righteous indignation?
At some point, the brutality has to end. If not, an uproar will be the result --until concrete change comes. The have not's are hurting. The disadvantage are hurting. Hurt people hurt people. And destruction of replaceable/material things, sometimes gets the attention that is needed.
Another factor, all the looting and mayhem is not being done by mostly peaceful, united protesters. There are some opportunistic vandalism. Some, adding (or following) to the political rhetoric at hand.
We have to exercise critical thought and common sense while prejudging that which we don't understand or are oppose to. Being fed daily lies and falsehoods ad nauseum. Ubiquitously planted to distort facts and evidence. Promote controversy. Further dividing and conquering the country and causing more and more hate.
Poisoning the minds of many can be far worse than the looting (of replaceable possessions).
Pain manifest itself in various forms. Tears have been rolling down my face for days. Complete anguish, anxiety and fear. My weakened heart can't take much more of this. Fatigued, exhausted from all the panic attacks.
I feel the pain as if it were my neck underneath the boot. I can't breathe! Reality is, this could have been me or my loved one. And that fact only adds to the terror. George Floyd was not three-fifths a person. This wicked belief still inhabits the hearts and minds of the descendants. He was a man. Someone's son, brother, uncle, friend.
Some who know me might think, "but Sage, you are a good person. No way would you be unfairly attacked". Then I can refer them to the innocent woman gunned down as she slept. Or the Harvard alum out with the birds. Most born with the threatening skin have a story regarding unpleasant experiences due to their race.
Many like me are in pain. Are angry and feel utterly helpless. Many others are human enough to feel the pain of and empathize with the oppressed. They couldn't just sit in the comfort of their home, in the protection of their skin and pass judgement on what they see and what they think they know.
People are in pain. The pain uprooted them. There is an awakening happening before our eyes. Protesting in our own way because we all are tired of the constant ill-treatment continuously from those who are paid to protect/paid to lead all of us - regardless of our color, religion or politics. All our lives should matter. Value my life. I value your life. Simple. My skin shouldn't determine whether or not you treat me fairly.
I weep for the many lives that have been lost. Research the plethora of lives lost or damaged over the years due to racial superiority or racial ignorance. Yes, there is black-on-black crime, but I'm addressing those with the inherit, privileged power. Stick to the problem at hand.
Smothering in tremendous hurt I can barely type coherently. Difficulty swallowing or speaking. Rather than continue to exhaust myself lamenting. Grief is expressed in blog form that perhaps no one will read but myself.
Some can go on with their days with the knowledge, they are exempt from the traumatic way George Floyd was murdered. Their skin may be their protection. Some of us, safe-skin is not our privilege. Murders are at large. Murders are now working at a desk, still getting paid. The full murder was captured on tape yet we still need evidence. Imagine. Imagine if this was you, and your skin was your only sin. Share the skin of the pigmented for a minute. For a lifetime.
I'm quite transparent. I am who I am. I believe in Peace. I believe in Love. I believe in Freedom and Justice - for all. I also believe in forgiveness and one earning to be forgiven. Does my beliefs qualify me to be perceived as a moral and decent person? Or do I have to believe and follow your personal doctrine and philosophy of choice and culture -- while quietly hating those who are different?
My heart is heavy. I worry if my silence over the years has come across as condoning some of the bigoted/hypocritical/self-righteous expressions I've heard or witnessed. I will always remember how my insides felt when certain things were whispered, said or done. Every incident I was speechless.
I teach my kids to be kind. They are very bright and quality humans. I taught them early on. My dear husband and I try to be positive examples. Keep your hands out of your pockets when in stores, even if you're cold. Don't wear a hoodie while out. Even if the jacket worn has a hood.
Be articulate -- speak clearly and grammatically correct. Read and educate yourself. Study and advance through life based on your brains and merit. Earn your wealth and status in life. As you ascend in your personal greatness, have compassion for the less fortunate. Remember, everyone's reality is different. Some have to fight harder than others to overcome their abysmal circumstance.
I remind them that some people are not taught to get to know you before prejudging you. No one will actually see how smart you are. How funny you are. How humbled and giving you are. Or even, they are not taught to see that you were raised by two quality and educated parents - a mother AND a father. All they may see is color. For all their parents saw was color, and so on.
Some will assume you're some negative stereotype. Rather than respecting and valuing you more once the quality of who you are as a person is revealed, they may become angered when you prove {through behavior alone} to them that you're not some statistic. You are not your skin.
Though I come from childhood trauma. Extreme abuse, neglect and abandonment. For the most part. Neither do I fit some stereotype. I'd like to believe the amazing friendships/relationships I've attracted & appreciated over my lifetime - they all value and cherish who I am "Sage" as a human being.
When I enter a room, I'd hope they all see my shine, my up-beat, optimistic personality. For I am a survivor of many obstacles and tragedies.
I may have been a fatherless child, BUT,... I am not my skin!
Cont' - I hope they see my strength, even on days I feel my weakest. Days when I may feel less of myself when I feel like giving up. Days when dying seems easiest. It is LOVE and LIGHT that gets me through. Is the fuel for my fight to live through the daily challenges of this disease and life period.
My mission in life is to genuinely be apart of the good in the world, rather than the ugly that tends to darken every light. The more we bring to life kids that are taught to hate by being a primary observer of their parents patterns and behaviors. You think they are not watching/are not listening. But...
One doesn't know the life journey of another. We all can't believe in the same things. We all can't feel the same things. One religion or political party is not superior to another. However, when the "compassionate, emphatic folk" witness someone being hurt with words or actions - eventually, we'll erupt. As our silence can be part of the problem.
Am I complicit? When I vote, I think of humanity - the people (of all races and genders), the poor, the privileged. The present, the future. And so on.
I'm pro-HUMAN. I care deeply for the living. It is evident in the current protest. All lives matter. You see all races affected by the racial ugliness.
I wear my mask because I'm pro-HUMAN. I care for myself/my family. I care for others. If I catch Covid, I can die (with my litany of medical conditions).
Covid has aired the ugliness, the injustice, the unfairness. Now this.
The murders are airing all the racial ugliness. Who parented these murderers?
People are angry. Enraged.
Where is the leadership in all of this? Previous protest (with torches, with armed weapons) were defined as "good people". Current protest has been defined as "thugs" and thoughts of being dealt with with "shooting" and "dogs". Who condones language like this?
Certain things we do and believe reveals who we are. Even when we are silent at a time in history like this. Who's side are you on? Which tweets/behavior do you agree with? What kind of example are you towards your children and your grandchildren? When future offspring's read about these times in history, what will "your choices" say about you?
We are dealing with many viruses. Covid. and hatred for those who are different. Why are some defined by their color? Does pigment automatically make the person expendable? Black/Brown = bad. White/other = good. Monitor your thinking when you are around someone different. Who are you?
If a man had his foot viciously at the neck of a dog/cat, thus squeezing the life out of it. Imagine... This happened to a human being! This was a man already subdued. Begging for his life! Crying out to his mother! Ultimately he died over a $20 bill while black.
People are hurting. We need a quality human to help heal the constant hurt.
PTSD is what some in certain communities live with each day due to what they experience.
If people are okay with the woman who called police on bird watcher {google Emmett Till}...
If people are okay with the woman shot to death while she slept...
If people are okay with the young, male jogger shot to death...
If people are okay with the recent death of George Floyd...
If people are okay with all the racial injustices that plague our nation...
How many of these situations that weren't videotaped?
How can one live with such hatred and secretly do such vile things?
Thousands upon thousands are marching all over the nation. All colors are marching. Why the anger? Look around. Evaluate your own heart and mind to uncover hidden biases. Recall the racially-suspect conversations you've had or heard.
Silence condones the violence. Spectators were pleading with officers to let Floyd breathe. The senseless murder continued. Obviously fueled by pure hate. Fellow officers watched in silence. No healing tweets. Nothing productive or humane.
"I can't breathe!"
I'm afraid. Whenever I encounter someone without a mask, I wonder. For the past few years, I've been wondering about several injustices. How long can I maintain this respectful silence in the midst of so much worldly ugliness?
From now on...
I speak.
I stand.
I am pro-Human.
I am a mother, a wife; a friend. I matter. My family matters. My diverse friendships matter. I can no longer be silent. I stand for justice and peace for all races. I stand for the religious to the nonreligious. I stand for the the political to the nonpolitical.
"No justice, No peace!"
I move through life keeping my opinions & beliefs to myself. I am careful not to offend. I strongly dislike being misunderstood. I try to peacefully navigate through my relationships while avoiding religious/political conversations. Occasionally my private disdain for certain elements of either may slip, but I never intend any harm.
Regardless, many have had no problems expressing their views to me. Perhaps the know and feel that my love for them is unconditional. I have never chosen friendships based on their color, religion, politics or other. I welcome diversity and differing opinions in my world. I am naturally curious. I am eager to learn, to grow. To explore different things. Different = great in my worldview.
Most may not know, I'm flabbergasted (but remain nonjudgmental) at times. Nevertheless, I still fear potential conflict, misjudgment; being ghosted or even ostracized. *Maybe due to my upbringing.
Respecting the pro-righteous, the pro-lifers, I wonder how many are actually pro-human. I mean, once the child actually breathes life, where are they when someone cries out, "I can't breathe!" thus, dying needlessly at the hands of one of the "righteous".
Living through the climate of anti-science, anti-difference; social/political divisiveness. The constant igniting of blatant ignorance, anarchy and enhanced racial conflict/confrontation. Brainwashing even the docile to do damage to their fellow-human. Where is the righteousness in all that's been observed or experienced over the years?
What about the looting? Well, why the constant murders at the hands of the police? Consider the cause and effect. Eventually the abused in every abuse situation will rise up. Express enough is enough. Gains the courage, the strength and momentum. Not excusing the form of anger, just understanding the primary source of it. Oftentimes anger causes sheer destruction. And all we can do is get out of the way.
What has gotten the persons with the power to listen? Is the powerful listening to peace? Furthermore, what kind of example has the powerful been? Hypocritical in our righteous indignation?
At some point, the brutality has to end. If not, an uproar will be the result --until concrete change comes. The have not's are hurting. The disadvantage are hurting. Hurt people hurt people. And destruction of replaceable/material things, sometimes gets the attention that is needed.
Another factor, all the looting and mayhem is not being done by mostly peaceful, united protesters. There are some opportunistic vandalism. Some, adding (or following) to the political rhetoric at hand.
We have to exercise critical thought and common sense while prejudging that which we don't understand or are oppose to. Being fed daily lies and falsehoods ad nauseum. Ubiquitously planted to distort facts and evidence. Promote controversy. Further dividing and conquering the country and causing more and more hate.
Poisoning the minds of many can be far worse than the looting (of replaceable possessions).
Pain manifest itself in various forms. Tears have been rolling down my face for days. Complete anguish, anxiety and fear. My weakened heart can't take much more of this. Fatigued, exhausted from all the panic attacks.
I feel the pain as if it were my neck underneath the boot. I can't breathe! Reality is, this could have been me or my loved one. And that fact only adds to the terror. George Floyd was not three-fifths a person. This wicked belief still inhabits the hearts and minds of the descendants. He was a man. Someone's son, brother, uncle, friend.
Some who know me might think, "but Sage, you are a good person. No way would you be unfairly attacked". Then I can refer them to the innocent woman gunned down as she slept. Or the Harvard alum out with the birds. Most born with the threatening skin have a story regarding unpleasant experiences due to their race.
Many like me are in pain. Are angry and feel utterly helpless. Many others are human enough to feel the pain of and empathize with the oppressed. They couldn't just sit in the comfort of their home, in the protection of their skin and pass judgement on what they see and what they think they know.
People are in pain. The pain uprooted them. There is an awakening happening before our eyes. Protesting in our own way because we all are tired of the constant ill-treatment continuously from those who are paid to protect/paid to lead all of us - regardless of our color, religion or politics. All our lives should matter. Value my life. I value your life. Simple. My skin shouldn't determine whether or not you treat me fairly.
I weep for the many lives that have been lost. Research the plethora of lives lost or damaged over the years due to racial superiority or racial ignorance. Yes, there is black-on-black crime, but I'm addressing those with the inherit, privileged power. Stick to the problem at hand.
Smothering in tremendous hurt I can barely type coherently. Difficulty swallowing or speaking. Rather than continue to exhaust myself lamenting. Grief is expressed in blog form that perhaps no one will read but myself.
Some can go on with their days with the knowledge, they are exempt from the traumatic way George Floyd was murdered. Their skin may be their protection. Some of us, safe-skin is not our privilege. Murders are at large. Murders are now working at a desk, still getting paid. The full murder was captured on tape yet we still need evidence. Imagine. Imagine if this was you, and your skin was your only sin. Share the skin of the pigmented for a minute. For a lifetime.
I'm quite transparent. I am who I am. I believe in Peace. I believe in Love. I believe in Freedom and Justice - for all. I also believe in forgiveness and one earning to be forgiven. Does my beliefs qualify me to be perceived as a moral and decent person? Or do I have to believe and follow your personal doctrine and philosophy of choice and culture -- while quietly hating those who are different?
My heart is heavy. I worry if my silence over the years has come across as condoning some of the bigoted/hypocritical/self-righteous expressions I've heard or witnessed. I will always remember how my insides felt when certain things were whispered, said or done. Every incident I was speechless.
I teach my kids to be kind. They are very bright and quality humans. I taught them early on. My dear husband and I try to be positive examples. Keep your hands out of your pockets when in stores, even if you're cold. Don't wear a hoodie while out. Even if the jacket worn has a hood.
Be articulate -- speak clearly and grammatically correct. Read and educate yourself. Study and advance through life based on your brains and merit. Earn your wealth and status in life. As you ascend in your personal greatness, have compassion for the less fortunate. Remember, everyone's reality is different. Some have to fight harder than others to overcome their abysmal circumstance.
I remind them that some people are not taught to get to know you before prejudging you. No one will actually see how smart you are. How funny you are. How humbled and giving you are. Or even, they are not taught to see that you were raised by two quality and educated parents - a mother AND a father. All they may see is color. For all their parents saw was color, and so on.
Some will assume you're some negative stereotype. Rather than respecting and valuing you more once the quality of who you are as a person is revealed, they may become angered when you prove {through behavior alone} to them that you're not some statistic. You are not your skin.
Though I come from childhood trauma. Extreme abuse, neglect and abandonment. For the most part. Neither do I fit some stereotype. I'd like to believe the amazing friendships/relationships I've attracted & appreciated over my lifetime - they all value and cherish who I am "Sage" as a human being.
When I enter a room, I'd hope they all see my shine, my up-beat, optimistic personality. For I am a survivor of many obstacles and tragedies.
I may have been a fatherless child, BUT,... I am not my skin!
Cont' - I hope they see my strength, even on days I feel my weakest. Days when I may feel less of myself when I feel like giving up. Days when dying seems easiest. It is LOVE and LIGHT that gets me through. Is the fuel for my fight to live through the daily challenges of this disease and life period.
My mission in life is to genuinely be apart of the good in the world, rather than the ugly that tends to darken every light. The more we bring to life kids that are taught to hate by being a primary observer of their parents patterns and behaviors. You think they are not watching/are not listening. But...
One doesn't know the life journey of another. We all can't believe in the same things. We all can't feel the same things. One religion or political party is not superior to another. However, when the "compassionate, emphatic folk" witness someone being hurt with words or actions - eventually, we'll erupt. As our silence can be part of the problem.
Am I complicit? When I vote, I think of humanity - the people (of all races and genders), the poor, the privileged. The present, the future. And so on.
I'm pro-HUMAN. I care deeply for the living. It is evident in the current protest. All lives matter. You see all races affected by the racial ugliness.
I wear my mask because I'm pro-HUMAN. I care for myself/my family. I care for others. If I catch Covid, I can die (with my litany of medical conditions).
Covid has aired the ugliness, the injustice, the unfairness. Now this.
The murders are airing all the racial ugliness. Who parented these murderers?
People are angry. Enraged.
Where is the leadership in all of this? Previous protest (with torches, with armed weapons) were defined as "good people". Current protest has been defined as "thugs" and thoughts of being dealt with with "shooting" and "dogs". Who condones language like this?
Certain things we do and believe reveals who we are. Even when we are silent at a time in history like this. Who's side are you on? Which tweets/behavior do you agree with? What kind of example are you towards your children and your grandchildren? When future offspring's read about these times in history, what will "your choices" say about you?
We are dealing with many viruses. Covid. and hatred for those who are different. Why are some defined by their color? Does pigment automatically make the person expendable? Black/Brown = bad. White/other = good. Monitor your thinking when you are around someone different. Who are you?
If a man had his foot viciously at the neck of a dog/cat, thus squeezing the life out of it. Imagine... This happened to a human being! This was a man already subdued. Begging for his life! Crying out to his mother! Ultimately he died over a $20 bill while black.
People are hurting. We need a quality human to help heal the constant hurt.
PTSD is what some in certain communities live with each day due to what they experience.
If people are okay with the woman who called police on bird watcher {google Emmett Till}...
If people are okay with the woman shot to death while she slept...
If people are okay with the young, male jogger shot to death...
If people are okay with the recent death of George Floyd...
If people are okay with all the racial injustices that plague our nation...
How many of these situations that weren't videotaped?
How can one live with such hatred and secretly do such vile things?
Thousands upon thousands are marching all over the nation. All colors are marching. Why the anger? Look around. Evaluate your own heart and mind to uncover hidden biases. Recall the racially-suspect conversations you've had or heard.
Silence condones the violence. Spectators were pleading with officers to let Floyd breathe. The senseless murder continued. Obviously fueled by pure hate. Fellow officers watched in silence. No healing tweets. Nothing productive or humane.
"I can't breathe!"
I'm afraid. Whenever I encounter someone without a mask, I wonder. For the past few years, I've been wondering about several injustices. How long can I maintain this respectful silence in the midst of so much worldly ugliness?
From now on...
I speak.
I stand.
I am pro-Human.
I am a mother, a wife; a friend. I matter. My family matters. My diverse friendships matter. I can no longer be silent. I stand for justice and peace for all races. I stand for the religious to the nonreligious. I stand for the the political to the nonpolitical.
"No justice, No peace!"
Sixth day following the death of George Floyd. How did things elevate to this?
There has been so much pain of late. Not only the physical from my medical condition - currently dealing with discomforts in my joints. Difficulty walking or standing. Being able to swim (preCovid) several times per week may have prevented this extra ailment. Lately, while under quarantine. I've been taking 25 minute walks twice per day. Strength and ability during walks is no where near the benefits felt from 1-2 hour lap swimming.
There has been so much pain from the results of Covid. Who would have thought America would allow something so deadly to infect our shores. 100,000 plus deaths and escalating. Who do we blame for such chaos and catastrophic realities?
There is so much pain from what so many now are protesting. All races, religions, genders, etc are now marching for justice. What happened to George Floyd. Any human with a purse felt deep anguish on what we all witness on video days ago. If you're pro-life, you gotta be also pro-Human.
This is the one of the worst nightmares of any one of color. A mother, a father, and so on. We all fear this. We all try desperately to protect our young from so many horrors, and this. Having a person who is supposedly trained to protect, instead. Inclined to put his foot on our necks. As we cry out to our mother. Beg for mercy. Ultimately, perish in front of many.
Thankfully this was caught on video. Many deaths by police are happening all over the world. Many are video-tapped. Nothing happens. Officer goes on with his/her life.
At some point. These reoccurent incidents will result on this. The anger many of us are feeling now. How much can one take?
There has been so much pain from the results of Covid. Who would have thought America would allow something so deadly to infect our shores. 100,000 plus deaths and escalating. Who do we blame for such chaos and catastrophic realities?
There is so much pain from what so many now are protesting. All races, religions, genders, etc are now marching for justice. What happened to George Floyd. Any human with a purse felt deep anguish on what we all witness on video days ago. If you're pro-life, you gotta be also pro-Human.
This is the one of the worst nightmares of any one of color. A mother, a father, and so on. We all fear this. We all try desperately to protect our young from so many horrors, and this. Having a person who is supposedly trained to protect, instead. Inclined to put his foot on our necks. As we cry out to our mother. Beg for mercy. Ultimately, perish in front of many.
Thankfully this was caught on video. Many deaths by police are happening all over the world. Many are video-tapped. Nothing happens. Officer goes on with his/her life.
At some point. These reoccurent incidents will result on this. The anger many of us are feeling now. How much can one take?
Saturday, April 4, 2020
Currently I write from the confinements of my dialysis chair. Here since 4:45 am (for my 3x's, 3 hrs per week treatments) with 2 1/2 hours left. Additional policies and procedures has been implemented due to coronavirus. Strict adherence is rigorously being enforced.
Temperature taken, mask/gown given immediately prior to entering facility. Hands and fistula washed prior to being seated. Both my husband and I (who sits/stays with me during entire treatment for the past six plus years) are to go through extra sanitary precautions. However, he can no longer rest in the car (and re-enter) during my long treatments after today. He is to either stay full three plus hours seated in a hard, uncomfortable chair by my side, or go to the car (or leave) and pick me up when I'm done. We're adaptive.
I greatly appreciate the updated policies and procedures being done to keep us high-risk patients, dedicated staff and committed visitors protected. We are compliant minus any complaints. It is vital that renal patients continue routine life-sustaining treatments - regardless of the terrorizing pandemic upon us. There is not a day that we can miss dialysis with our compromised kidneys.
Usually I sleep soundly through the full three hours. Once I’m set up, enormous needles inserted, and all my comforts (pillows, socks, blankets, eye covering; books, water, phone, tablet, knitting and fan nearby) are in place, I’m out. My husband remains by my side until I’m comfortable and settled then he leaves to rest in the car until time is near for my needles to be removed. But now, he has to stay in the unit during my entire treatments. I worry the strain this portion may cause, especially since he works soon after we arrive home. When will he rest?
Once three hours are up, more time is spent firmly pressing on fistula holes until openings clot in order to stop bleeding. Bandages are left on for several hours at home to assure sufficient clotting; otherwise, blood squirts nonstop everywhere.
My blood pressure is taken and if the readings are adequate, I weigh myself to determine amount of fluid removed. Finally, I go home to rest, especially these days with "stay at home". Typically I'm very active afterwards. Daily responsibilities and social activities - which are crucial to my mental well-being.
I write all this to bring up a recent occurrence. I’ve begun to experience extreme "hot flashes" for two or more hours while confined to dialysis chair (one arm with two huge needles and the other with regular monitoring blood pressure cuff). During this time I’m sweating profusely (even though it gets extremely cold in unit requiring me to cloak myself in two blankets topped by a big, heavy, comfy handmade quilt). Any sleep is not happening under these recent unpleasant overheated conditions. All the comforts mentioned above are removed. I begin to vigorously fan myself while anxiously counting the hours. Staff nor my husband can help me through the hormonal misery.
Now mind you, my mental state has already been waning for months now. February 14th of this year (2020) marked 6 years of renal failure/dialysis. The estimated waiting list for a transplant is up to 10 years (here in California). So, initially I was internally celebrating my approaching the privilege of receiving a quality & functional kidney, only to discover, I will no longer urinate until transplant.
Months ago I realized I hadn’t urinated in awhile. Prior to this change I was expelling a little over a drop mostly, and happily, a stream on rare occasion. After inquiring the nature of this change, I was informed that eliminating urine will cease for most on dialysis by year six. For some reason, this fact devastated me. Quietly I mourned my inability to pee. However, I eventually became more gleeful for the ability to still have bowel movements. *Perspective.
As time progressed, I had fewer days of mourning which evolved into more frequent days of optimism. I was relieved for the renewed persistence, the determination to finally press forward with my usual outlook on my condition. Monitor my attitude. Continue with dreadful renal diet coupled with beneficial exercise - for me, mainly hours of athletic lap swimming combined with biking, walking and weights.
Fast forward to now. A mammoth crisis which seemed unfathomable considering status in the world. Daily I find myself declining into total emotional darkness. I feel guilt during those abysmal moments where I may struggle to stay in the NOW. After all, I still have so much to be thankful for.
Realistically, NOW is really all we ever had before this crisis. NOW will remain all we ever have after this crisis. We gotta hold on. Stick around to see the sunshine. A reassuring rainbow lovingly arching all those countries negatively affected by this nefarious virus.
My heart breaks for those suffering with illness, with death of their loved ones. The domino effect of all the continued loss and uncertainty is too much. I wanna hide deep beneath my fortunate "safety at home". Cower by burying my head in the sand until it's all over.
Everyday I chase a sense of normalcy and balance. I take a the time to bathe in sheer gratitude. Thankful for what remains now. My family, my friends, my acquaintances, my associates are fine. No reasonable emotion of feeling alone. After all, we are all in this together with our understandable fears, anxieties, stresses, worries; mental frailties. Everyone can't be a hero(ion) 24/7
Personally, I’ve survived a plethora of life’s unthinkable(s). Have lived through the unimaginable. During all those dreadful horrors I felt painfully alone. Catastrophic misery. Oftentimes I wanted to give up. Immediately angered to face another day. How much can one person bare, I’d wonder. Now this. This thing with absolutely no solution. Not even the most brilliant mind has an answer. So now what?
What do we do, where do we go in the midst of all our social, political, religious, racial, cultural divisiveness plaguing our planet in spite all the self-righteousness.
WE Rise!
Rise above all those destructive thoughts, tantrums, tyrannies & traits. In truth, all our journey's are different. Who and what we are is ultimately the result of where we've been as an individual. Have compassion. Human decency. Change first gotta happen from within as one leads and lectures by example.
I can't judge the next person for their undeniable difference(s) in beliefs/philosophy/ideology/mythology no more than anyone can judge me. In the end, which is what this thing is revealing - all of us are perishable. The virus is one of the fewest things that has proven not to discriminate. It ravages us all with it's hate.
It is becoming clear. It attacks, it destroys the good, the bad and the ugly. We've lost too many that were contributors of the "good" in this world. They are gone too soon, but never forgotten.
Fact is. The continued chaos has proven this is no hoax. We all are stressed, some depressed. This thing is definitely humbling. It reveals who we really are as a nation, as a people. Character has no color. No political affiliation. No religious denomination. All are capable of embodying morality and hopefully teaching/demonstrating to our offspring genuine values in order to peacefully contribute to global harmony for all.
Let's all move forward. Let's listen to and embrace sincere expressions of honesty, empathy, scientific intelligence and common sense reasoning. Those authentically displaying humanitarian compassion, unity and productivity for the betterment of human/womankind ~ baring the unwavering qualities essential to establishing all that's necessary (regardless of cost, class, country or color) to bring forth an immediate ending to this hellish nightmare.
Figure out how we can use ourselves, our resources minus an agenda other than to come together as one.
Please, for the sake of yourselves, your families/friends and your fellowman --- Stay home. Exercise social distancing. Wear masks. Wash your hands thoroughly. Listen to the experts on this type of thing. Let's get through this together - in one piece, with renewed minds and hearts.
Thank all of those using their talents, gifts and hearts unselfishly to help, to heal. The pure goodness of others is what gives me hope. Sadly, I'm afraid. Hope is not enough.
til Next time,
Sage
Temperature taken, mask/gown given immediately prior to entering facility. Hands and fistula washed prior to being seated. Both my husband and I (who sits/stays with me during entire treatment for the past six plus years) are to go through extra sanitary precautions. However, he can no longer rest in the car (and re-enter) during my long treatments after today. He is to either stay full three plus hours seated in a hard, uncomfortable chair by my side, or go to the car (or leave) and pick me up when I'm done. We're adaptive.
I greatly appreciate the updated policies and procedures being done to keep us high-risk patients, dedicated staff and committed visitors protected. We are compliant minus any complaints. It is vital that renal patients continue routine life-sustaining treatments - regardless of the terrorizing pandemic upon us. There is not a day that we can miss dialysis with our compromised kidneys.
Usually I sleep soundly through the full three hours. Once I’m set up, enormous needles inserted, and all my comforts (pillows, socks, blankets, eye covering; books, water, phone, tablet, knitting and fan nearby) are in place, I’m out. My husband remains by my side until I’m comfortable and settled then he leaves to rest in the car until time is near for my needles to be removed. But now, he has to stay in the unit during my entire treatments. I worry the strain this portion may cause, especially since he works soon after we arrive home. When will he rest?
Once three hours are up, more time is spent firmly pressing on fistula holes until openings clot in order to stop bleeding. Bandages are left on for several hours at home to assure sufficient clotting; otherwise, blood squirts nonstop everywhere.
My blood pressure is taken and if the readings are adequate, I weigh myself to determine amount of fluid removed. Finally, I go home to rest, especially these days with "stay at home". Typically I'm very active afterwards. Daily responsibilities and social activities - which are crucial to my mental well-being.
I write all this to bring up a recent occurrence. I’ve begun to experience extreme "hot flashes" for two or more hours while confined to dialysis chair (one arm with two huge needles and the other with regular monitoring blood pressure cuff). During this time I’m sweating profusely (even though it gets extremely cold in unit requiring me to cloak myself in two blankets topped by a big, heavy, comfy handmade quilt). Any sleep is not happening under these recent unpleasant overheated conditions. All the comforts mentioned above are removed. I begin to vigorously fan myself while anxiously counting the hours. Staff nor my husband can help me through the hormonal misery.
Now mind you, my mental state has already been waning for months now. February 14th of this year (2020) marked 6 years of renal failure/dialysis. The estimated waiting list for a transplant is up to 10 years (here in California). So, initially I was internally celebrating my approaching the privilege of receiving a quality & functional kidney, only to discover, I will no longer urinate until transplant.
Months ago I realized I hadn’t urinated in awhile. Prior to this change I was expelling a little over a drop mostly, and happily, a stream on rare occasion. After inquiring the nature of this change, I was informed that eliminating urine will cease for most on dialysis by year six. For some reason, this fact devastated me. Quietly I mourned my inability to pee. However, I eventually became more gleeful for the ability to still have bowel movements. *Perspective.
As time progressed, I had fewer days of mourning which evolved into more frequent days of optimism. I was relieved for the renewed persistence, the determination to finally press forward with my usual outlook on my condition. Monitor my attitude. Continue with dreadful renal diet coupled with beneficial exercise - for me, mainly hours of athletic lap swimming combined with biking, walking and weights.
Fast forward to now. A mammoth crisis which seemed unfathomable considering status in the world. Daily I find myself declining into total emotional darkness. I feel guilt during those abysmal moments where I may struggle to stay in the NOW. After all, I still have so much to be thankful for.
Realistically, NOW is really all we ever had before this crisis. NOW will remain all we ever have after this crisis. We gotta hold on. Stick around to see the sunshine. A reassuring rainbow lovingly arching all those countries negatively affected by this nefarious virus.
My heart breaks for those suffering with illness, with death of their loved ones. The domino effect of all the continued loss and uncertainty is too much. I wanna hide deep beneath my fortunate "safety at home". Cower by burying my head in the sand until it's all over.
Everyday I chase a sense of normalcy and balance. I take a the time to bathe in sheer gratitude. Thankful for what remains now. My family, my friends, my acquaintances, my associates are fine. No reasonable emotion of feeling alone. After all, we are all in this together with our understandable fears, anxieties, stresses, worries; mental frailties. Everyone can't be a hero(ion) 24/7
Personally, I’ve survived a plethora of life’s unthinkable(s). Have lived through the unimaginable. During all those dreadful horrors I felt painfully alone. Catastrophic misery. Oftentimes I wanted to give up. Immediately angered to face another day. How much can one person bare, I’d wonder. Now this. This thing with absolutely no solution. Not even the most brilliant mind has an answer. So now what?
What do we do, where do we go in the midst of all our social, political, religious, racial, cultural divisiveness plaguing our planet in spite all the self-righteousness.
WE Rise!
Rise above all those destructive thoughts, tantrums, tyrannies & traits. In truth, all our journey's are different. Who and what we are is ultimately the result of where we've been as an individual. Have compassion. Human decency. Change first gotta happen from within as one leads and lectures by example.
I can't judge the next person for their undeniable difference(s) in beliefs/philosophy/ideology/mythology no more than anyone can judge me. In the end, which is what this thing is revealing - all of us are perishable. The virus is one of the fewest things that has proven not to discriminate. It ravages us all with it's hate.
It is becoming clear. It attacks, it destroys the good, the bad and the ugly. We've lost too many that were contributors of the "good" in this world. They are gone too soon, but never forgotten.
Fact is. The continued chaos has proven this is no hoax. We all are stressed, some depressed. This thing is definitely humbling. It reveals who we really are as a nation, as a people. Character has no color. No political affiliation. No religious denomination. All are capable of embodying morality and hopefully teaching/demonstrating to our offspring genuine values in order to peacefully contribute to global harmony for all.
Let's all move forward. Let's listen to and embrace sincere expressions of honesty, empathy, scientific intelligence and common sense reasoning. Those authentically displaying humanitarian compassion, unity and productivity for the betterment of human/womankind ~ baring the unwavering qualities essential to establishing all that's necessary (regardless of cost, class, country or color) to bring forth an immediate ending to this hellish nightmare.
Figure out how we can use ourselves, our resources minus an agenda other than to come together as one.
Please, for the sake of yourselves, your families/friends and your fellowman --- Stay home. Exercise social distancing. Wear masks. Wash your hands thoroughly. Listen to the experts on this type of thing. Let's get through this together - in one piece, with renewed minds and hearts.
Thank all of those using their talents, gifts and hearts unselfishly to help, to heal. The pure goodness of others is what gives me hope. Sadly, I'm afraid. Hope is not enough.
til Next time,
Sage
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