Socialized with a fellow dialysis patients attentive wife. She, like my husband, patiently sits through her spouse's full treatments.

Soon as I entered unit, I immediately noticed her sitting in her chair (brought from home, like my husband brings his) next to her husband. There she was knitting a basic, but gorgeous yellow scarf.

After weighing myself (dry weight), considering my usual earlier, punctual arrival time, I went over and chatted.

Cast on 35 stitches. Basic seed stitch pattern, back and forth. I shared with her the project I brought to work on. Which was something easy too. A basic knit black scarf using Homespun yarn.

Asked her if she attended local yarn socials, shared with her the ones I frequent weekly or monthly. Unaware but curious, she was. I went on to discuss they are free and fun gatherings where knitters/crocheters of all levels randomly sit around and laugh and share and joke, and knit/crochet whatever projects they choose to work on. Some people show up to learn. And when they do, someone in the group will freely share their knowledge.

Once I saw her openness to what I was sharing, I told her about the coupons I get for certain craft stores which also carry yarn and needles. Delighted and surprised, she was happy I shared, yet expressed her inability to participate in such activities.

With her understandable and admirable commitments towards her husbands care, there is no free time for such gatherings. Instantly I was reminded of what life is really like for my husband and I. Not much time or energy for extra things. People share with me certain events and I sometimes feel overwhelmed just hearing about what they are talking about.

Like I've mentioned in previous blogs. Hands are most beneficial when they are helping. Easing the load of the caregiver, at some point can be of tremendous help. I feel for my husband every minute of every day since my illness (February 2014). He does so much and complain so, never.

I try my best to do what I can when I can. For example, he reminds me to rest when I can, which is oftentimes hard, but what I'm doing now. Times when I fell to get enough rest, I stumble in thought, stumble in speech or in my movements, eventually the stumble worsens -- collapsing or falling. This can make things harder and more stressful for him. So typical busy-body, superhero(ion) me, I've learned to take it easy. And welcome any extra helping hands when they avail themselves.

Helping hands ~

It could be the littlest thing. Pick up something from the grocery store. Help prepare a meal. Sit with a dialysis patient for a couple of hours. Run an errand. Help with a household chore. Et cetera.

Right then, I wished I could sit next to her and knit. Talk, laugh, share and joke with her. But, I had to cut my chatting short. Hurry and get to my chair. Prepare. Be ready for "my" treatment for the day.

Jammin to the "beats" and the "rhythms" of old school rapper, Ice Cube songs while hooked up to early morning dialysis machine.

Wearing my blue, typical, heart-shaped shades. Mane, afroed. Usual big hooped ear rings. Zoning out  -- Sipping on a tiny cup of hot coffee while savoring nibbles on a few sweet doughnut holes.

Though warmly dressed, still freezing. Blue, soft, u-shaped pillow comfortably tucked underneath my chin (preferably not behind my head), securely bundled in a large, fleece blanket...  nerdly bobbing  & groovin to the beats while people watching and smiling lovingly at my nearby husband.

Listening to full albums on my Spotify app. Totally wired, alert physically from the caffeinated coffee and the strong, addictive beats from selected old school rap (yeah, I listen to rap, old school preferably).

Restless but tired, yet not exhausted.  Doing the typical observing of my environment - all my fellow patients (and staff), in this case. Many asleep at this early hour. Staff, hurrying from patient to patient. Machine to machine. Computer to computer. Usually activity but a little busier due to some staff being on vacation, I assume.

Patient directly in front and facing me unknowingly provoked my hunger -- due to her aggressive and loud smacking and munching and crunching on ice and something sort of bread-looking food. Thus, my doughnuts :)

RIP Big Ang (Reality TV star). I just blogged about her days ago...

The only time guaranteed, is the minute you are currently in - now.The "now" is really all you have and I ask, "how are you spending your 'now'?".

I tell my kids all the time, "it's not what you say, it's what you do". Everyone who loved me, I knew it for a fact, especially when my child died. And when I almost died. I knew from not only their words, but mostly from their action(s).

If you are currently thinking about a loved one  (family/friend or acquaintance) whom you haven't spoken to in a while, take the initiative to call/text/snail mail/visit them today. At least say, "I'm thinking about you". Fluffy paragraphs or loquaciousness are unnecessary.

I know how special I personally feel when it is made known that I'm positively thought of -- that's the best  good energy to know and "feel". I'm the type of person who will tell you and show you your're appreciated. So quite naturally, "I" need to be told/shown in order to confirm any amount of truth and sincerity. I want my flowers today, now. When I'm dead, it's over. Lights are out. Too late! There will be no tomfoolery. No slobbering or lamenting or grieving over my limp & lifeless corpse or cremated ashes. For I will then seize to exist - somewhere mysteriously into the unknown.

Hopefully Big Ang left this world knowing and "feeling" that she was loved.

Currently watching Dr. Oz show (while sucking on ice cubes as I try to relieve my thirst).  Reality star, Big Ang (Angela Raiola) is discussing her health crisis with cancer. Terrifying to us all, for sure. Truly it takes a great deal of courage to be so vulnerable, so honest especially publicly. However I do feel her openness is helping others get through whatever hardship they are facing. Or, help those only dealing with trivial (fixable) experiences, they can begin to deeply reflect. Realizing just how fortunate they may be.

Thankfully she has her friends. Her family. This is the magical, miraculous combo that makes breathing through unimaginable, unthinkable adversity much more endurable. If only people who love us really knew the healing/helping powers their unconditional love/loyalty, support, generosity, unselfishness... has on the well being of the suffering. See, if only we can get that combo in a bottle to give as curing, life saving; magical, miraculous medicine to the entire world.

Sincere compassion goes out to Big Ang and her loved ones. I've only watched Mob Wives a few times, but she seems like a genuinely lovely person, which proves, hardships don't discriminate. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. Best to practice the art of authentic kindness and humility and sincerity because one can/will never know if they'll  need that  life saving "combo medicine". Safe to be/stay worthy when needed/wanted. Life happens...

home. resting. trying to relax. reluctant to exercise, work up a sweat, need to quench thirst. surfing from channel to channel. mindlessly watching TV. no energy to do much else. not even read or color, crochet/knit. thankful to be able to blog from bed - finally, Internet access. nibbling on easily accessible snack foods i shouldn't: oranges, avocados, tomatoes, hummus, nuts... damn renal diet! also, i'm so thirsty. want a humongous glass of iced water. it's early afternoon. day is still young. have more medication to take later. i have to watch my fluid intake. remain close to my dry weight. dialysis day tomorrow. feeling anxious. avoiding going to the cooler and gulping down water defiantly. very hard. discipline. determination. imagine that - consuming too much liquids can ultimately kill me. beverage commercials with ice cubes are the worst, right now. so, so thirsty. sigh.

Shows I routinely watch and enjoy (thanks to DVR) - not in any particular order

Blacklist
Law & Order: SUV
Criminal Minds
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Chicago Fire
Unsung
Chicago P.D.
Shades of Blue
Autopsy: The Last hours of...
American Masters
Quilting Arts
Gangsters: America's Most Evil
Million Dollar American Princesses
...:Fame and Scandal
...:Scandal and Legacy
Taboo
Biography
Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown
NOVA
SoCal Connected
Lawrence Welk Show
America:Facts vs. Fiction
American Greed
Afropop: The Ultimate Cultural Exchange
Judge Judy
Catfish: The TV Show
Chicago Med
The Voice
Vanity Fair Confidential
The Best of Joy of Painting
Too Cute!
Real Housewives: Atlanta
Bookmark
Evolution of Evil
Quilting Arts
Homework Hotline
Teen Kids News
Weekend News
Our World
Fault Lines
How it Works
BBC World News
Intelligence Squared
Wendy Williams
Lifetime movies
Seinfeld
Squid-billies (occasionally)
C-SPAN/BookTV
Frontline
Independent Lens
Between the Lines with Barry Kibrick
Well Read
Teen Kids News
Homework Hotline
60 minutes
TMZ
Wild Australia
It's Sew Easy
Innovations in Medicine
Knitting Daily
Flinestones
Tom & Jerry
Crimes of a Century
Knit & Crochet Now
Talk to Al Jazerra
CitiCable
20/20
Chopped
Hoarders
The Golden Girls
Bonanza
Watch What Happens: Live
The First 48
Project Runway
Snapped
Nightline
Twilight Zone
Mod Squad
Bewitch

Time to build a shed for my eleven year old daughter. Safe, far, but close enough.

At my age, my cycle has ended. And hers has started. My poor husband. The eldest, my no-drama son cleverly predicted he'd be away living harmoniously on a college campus by now. Lucky him. He has no idea...

How, when, where, why, what can I say without being misunderstood or judged. I adore all my kids, my husband. I dreamed of a house full of kids, but my reality played out differently.

I love my living daughter dearly. Especially having lost a child ~ a beautiful, seemingly perfect and healthy girl. Along with a few devastating  miscarriages, and eventually being told by fertility doctors I'd never conceive again naturally - I consider daughter's fruitful life a treasured gift. Her mere existence, an honor to love, guide & support. Stephen Tyler song, written by Dianne Warren comes to mind, "I don't wanna miss a thing". Corny, but I still miss my kids when they are sleeping.

Til this day, I smell them. Touch them. See them. Hear them and taste them, by nibbling.

Don't get me wrong, my daughter is the sweetest, yummiest, ... growing/developing(ed) bundle of joy. But honestly, when that bloody time of month draws near (and we all have arriving date marked in "red" on our calendars to warn us to brace ourselves for the upcoming storm), I fear I'd end up in the news if I'm not wisely centered.

Yet I realize this is all a perfectly natural phenomenon. Through it all, I'm learning patience, compassion, understanding. And to count to ten before I  do or say something that'll have her end up on a therapist chair because of me and my inadequacies. Despite it all, my husband is a perfect balance in the monthly equation, in the midst of those thunderous mother/daughter storms. Eleven or so years ago, no one could have paid me to believe my own child would reveal to me that I can loose my character quickly over something she did/said. Sigh!

Gift ideas for someone surviving through dialysis ~ handmade/purchased/borrowed... Remember, most patients are subjected to remain inclined in one spot for up to three hours/three times per day -- until they are fortuned a transplant or health miraculously improves or forever.

Keep in mind the individual ~ age, gender; personality, nature and belief(s) of the recipient. Someone new to dialysis may not know what they need or want right away, as the life change may take time getting accustomed. Personally, I take all or most of these "necessities" to each of my treatments, rain or shine. Remember, though it may be warm out, it's very chilly inside dialysis units (at least the one I'm assigned). So any garments that can be easily put on or removed would be great.

I've crocheted/knitted fistula covers for my arm ... research the looks of dialysis fistulas. To me, mine is hideous. An eyesore, though I'm not ashamed, but feel it's worthy of courteous coverage. Also, I've made myself huge hooded cowls, scarfs, shawls and hats. Plan to make leg warmers and blankets in the near future. *Every stitch is made with love when you are making something for someone else. Many times you can experience the pleasure of giving a handmade item to someone who'd really be appreciative.

I love to read. Love to write. Love, love drawing and coloring. Love words and puzzles and juvenile looks & finds. And anything evoking critical thought or elevating my limited intelligence.

Love to be able to look something up quickly on my cell or tablet. Admittedly, gossip sites has become my guilty pleasure. But I spend an assortment of time browsing interesting YouTube. Over the years, I've collected various card & portable games (yeah, I'm a big, bright, curious kid in an adults body).

My dialysis days and times are M/W/F - 4:45 am-8:15 am.  I can never predict how long it'll take to be connected or removed from the machine. Occasionally complications arise and who knows, one day it'll be smooth sailing, the other, turbulence. Thankfully I've adjusted quite remarkably. Yesterday (Feb. 14th - Valentines Day) marked two years of dialysis. Wow! before you know it, I'll have an uneventful, healthy transplant.

Since my time is so early, most of the time, I sleep through. Other times, I'm experiencing some sort of physical or mental discomfort. Having "comfy" items tangible, makes my experience less challenging.

Before you continue, may I add one more thing. The best gift you can give is your presence. Yeah, presents are great, but valued and appreciated time is priceless. If the patient has a spouse (or devoted loved one) who is always present (like my dear husband), privilege that person a much needed day off. A moment knowing their loved one is okay for this one day visited by you - someone who is compassionate. Someone who cares. Or, offer to drive patient to their treatments for a day.

If you are an amazing cook who enjoys sharing, learn about the Renal Diet. Contact the dietitian at dialysis unit. Many sites out there can be misleading. Get facts from reliable and educated resources. Offer to assist with meal planning. I know this would make me happy. Cooking is not my talent.

• snacks (see Renal Diet)/tupperware 
• hand & face moisturizer/mask
• back scratcher (one that extends)
• ice cube storage (portable)
• comfy undergarments
• adult coloring books (zen)/crayons/pencils/markers
• mirror (compact)
• silk/satin bonnet
• travel pillow/log shaped pillow/U shaped pillow
• warm slippers/socks
• eye cover/mask - (silk and iced)
• word search/puzzles
• warm, rectangle blanket
• books, book mark/light
• headphones (quality)
• CD/DVD player (portable)
• journal
• ear muffs
• cowl/shawl/hat/mittens/booties
• duffle bag - large, spacious, easy to carry
• daily planner
• medicine case
• comfy portable chair - for guest
• dialysis clothes (accessible fistulas, grafts, catheter)
• magazine subscription
• shades (or eye wear)
• note pads/pens/pencils and case
• board, card games (portable)
• Kleenex/handkerchief
• warm sheet (fit dialysis chair)
• fan (portable)
• music CD's (or maybe download patients favorite tunes)
• hand sanitizer
• art supplies
• story/logic puzzles
• cell phone (text/Internet/apps)
• Ipad/Laptop (with portable stand)
• gum/hard candies/mints/breath spray
• water bottle/cooler (small)
• classical, relaxation, meditative tunes
• leggings
• dictionary 
• tools & resources to learn new language
• chess/checker board (play with guest)
• sweat pants/turtle necks
• Tablet to list doctors and medications and readings (i.e. blood pressure, weight)

* A genuinely kind note/card or text of encouragement for the day always makes my heart smile. Periodically keep in contact with patient. Let them know they are in your thoughts. Never assume...

Post a comment if this helps or if you have any additions to the list. I'm sure others readers can benefit. Plus, please tell a friend about my blog.

Currently have my eleven year old daughter organizing and counting loose change. It's so grand having kids. Not only are they a joy, they are quite useful, i.e. "Honey, please pass the remote. Counts/organize the cents. Pour me a glass of water (with three ice cubes), please. Scratch mommy's back... Thank you darling" etc. xoxo

We are mid doing laundry - with her by my side, is quite helpful. After we extract all the quarters, along with separating all the half dollars, dimes, nickels, pennies. Later on in the week we'll take all the coins to the Credit Union to deposit into our accounts. In my planned homeschool curriculum (Sage), included with various other beneficial and useful subjects to study, I have her learning: entrepreneurship; finance, accounting (husbands occupation), inventory and stocks/bonds. Eventually real estate too. Hours in are day are filled doing something substantive. Time & energy is a precious commodity. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste". [smile]

Basic common sense, critical thinking can be enhanced by giving kids something useful to do. Delegating those things that "seem" too adult for a child to comprehend.  Teach them young how to contribute to family, to community, to planet. My eldest/son started college at fourteen. I believe his precocious proclivities were advanced through both nature and nurture. Fortuned at least two supporting[tive] adults (or guardians) - us, helped make it easier. Same with my daughter.

She and I were privileged a marvelous Tuesday. Started off by attending an early morning yarn social - mostly elderly women, with a few middle-aged ones (including myself), down to the youngest, my daughter. Participants are usually awed by her prowess in yarn crafting - knitting, crocheting, loom.

This day, she assisted this elder woman with her loom. Fantastic to observe. To me, this is a valuable part of her education - following/reading a pattern, intelligently socializing (being shy or awkward is foreign to my kids, thankfully. I was both shy and awkward in my youth which caused me to miss out on great opportunities, I think), creating something beautiful, volunteering/helping others.

Afterwards we went to our local farmers market. Even with empty wallets, we enjoy walking, socializing, learning about an assortment of fruits and vegetables. I encourage her to be respectfully assertive. Speak up and ask vendors questions when needed. Be/stay curious. And if /when we interact with a Spanish speaker -- if person is open, I encourage her to practice her Spanish by using it. I find that most foreign speakers are obliged when they see someone interested in their language or their culture. And me, I'm always fascinated by anything/anyone unique or different. Perhaps because fall under that description in some form or fashion. Rather than conform, I embrace. Digressed...

I love when we have days like this: non stressful, relaxing, productive. Later we ended our outings with a spontaneous trip to the library. Of course, as you've read in previous blogs, this is my most favorite and happiest place to be - surrounded by books. All that knowledge and adventure at my disposal. While here, I encouraged my daughter to utilize the computers. Though we have access to them at home, I prefer her use the libraries as it has a time limit and the environment is that which is a studious atmosphere.

Today is a day where I feel like an energizer bunny. Closer to my previous self at better health, at least I thought. Husband is home now. He goes in the office a few days a week, and work from home the other. His company was so accommodating with the life change/challenge.

The load may be ready. Off I go, until energy declines.

It's February ~ Happy "sweet" sixteenth birthday my beloved daughter!

Not only is this month (6th) my deceased daughters birthday, but it is also the anniversary (14th) of the renal failure/stroke (2014). Time flies and often I wonder, "am I a quality/worthy person? Am I Teflon ~ stronger, wiser, calmer; more tenacious and forgiving? Do I thoroughly comprehend the nature of life? Do people actually 'see' me? Has my struggles been in vain?"

This month remains the month that I dread the most - emotionally. Intellectually, dual[ly], I've come to embrace more for it's regular delivery of added "enlightenment". And I don't use that term religiously (honestly, I avoid religious or political vernacular purposely - those are the thoughts too personal to share in such a forum  as it is never my will, my intent to convert or deconvert anyone from anything of  needed comfort or  traditional ideology. And I always appreciate courteous reciprocation ). As I was sharing...

For it is THIS month where I experience the most growth -- due to premature loses - in an offspring (a future) and in health vitality (present). It is in my quiet melancholy (I believe most parents will always long for a child they've lost). Pain, it is accurate, not only can build physical muscle, but the mental muscle develops as well. It is now, through over a decade of silent mourning have I come to terms with what is and what isn't. My child had life. And a healthy, loving one. She came knowing and "feeling" loved.  With this knowing[ness] is how she gracefully exited this world - suddenly and unexpectedly while in my arms, asleep from nursing at my breast. Publicly in front of her dad and brother. An enormous, a hauntingly devastating and unforgettable tragedy.

Health wise, my condition has taught me, really it has reminded me how precious life is. It can end in an instant. And the time that you have NOW, is the only time guaranteed (regardless of personal ideas or beliefs. Goodness or not. Pink or purple). No one is privileged exemption.

So having survived the worst loss imaginable, I was fully prepared to endure what awaited me down the line - renal failure, stroke. Yet on rare occasion, honestly, I do cry out, "that's enough!". Human...

Sighing! On this particular day (the 6th), we continue to celebrate in spite of. Friends and family quickly faded so it's just us and that's all who'll really understand the surreal journey. The courage required to keep going through adversity. Staying peaceful and positive and productive.

Yeah, we honor her date of birth similar to how most of the world may honor great leaders or messiahs. On this day (I'll be in the dialysis chair - not my normal day of treatment. Just have too much fluid buildup - which is a potential danger), we purchase or try to bake a cake (yeah, right). Purchase balloons and flowers. For gifts, we usually give our living kids something special on this day. Random acts of kindness is encouraged in her memory. Meditate or whatever you do to go deeply inward - quietly to self reflect, evaluate, cleanse, to heal.

When I see other sixteen year old girls, silently I may watch. Catch myself staring.  Hoping they are loved, they are supported, they are cherished; their overall existence, appreciated. I'm grateful for the ability to observe them for it privileges me something of a gauge on how my daughter would/could have been had she lived. The music and books she'd enjoy. The way she may have smiled, smelled, laughed; dressed, styled her hair. Her successes, challenges. Her quirks, peeves; her interest. The substance in friendships she'd acquire; the relationship she'd have with her older brother, younger sister; her dad.

The wondering continues, while the agonizing intensity of aches and breathlessness; difficulty swallowing, performing lessens, but never completely vanishes. The void, is always there. The longing remains. She'll never ever go to high school, finish college; get married, experience motherhood. A mothers arms remain empty, a fathers heart remains torn.

Amazing siblings left with confusion, lack of understanding the enormity of such a loss, but have lived with the observation of what love can do when life permanently rips something so priceless without warning.  Without justifiable fairness or reason. May they and others come near'r to human consciousness and authentic compassion. Contribute positively to the planet partially in her name.

Into my cocoon of solitude and gratitude and lamentations I go. May I emerge as a beautiful butterfly. May I wisely evolve. May I rise like a Phoenix!