Yesterday while out on our typical day at a family-oriented facility. I was walking to my vehicle - parked in the handicapped area. A bit of an older gentleman was slowly but barely walking assisted by his cane ahead of me. Remembering what moments were like when I was re-learning how to walk, I patiently slowed down as not to make him feel rushed or uncomfortable or embarrased.

As I carefully inched my way passed him, I noticed his shoes were untied. Not wanting him to possible trip, I brought the untied laces to his attention and even offered to tie them for him.

To my surprise, he sternly turned around, facing me and said matter-of-factly "no! I want to trip, fall and break my neck and die!"

Whoa! I did not know what to say. Rarely am I speechless. I paused. Searched my thoughts. Wondered if there was anything I could possibly say to this stranger that would show my intentions. Reveal my sincere compassion and in reality, my understanding.

I have felt that exact way countless times. Difference is, he had the bravery to say what he was thinking and what he was feeling without caring what I felt or thought. As I made my way to my vehicle, I took a deep breath. I both admired his honesty and wished him well - in my mind.

Suffering is something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Reality though is, some of us have suffered in unthinkable ways. Ways that often have us hoping for means to be out of misery. And this does not mean we do not appreciate life. It mean that death seems to be the only relief.

From personal experiences, instinctively I knew not to tell that man how to or not to feel. What to or not to believe. That's the last thing a person who is obviously suffering wants to hear is someone else's opinion on how they should feel, be or think.

May he find peace - his way.

Currently in the process of organizing my daughters messy hair accessory drawer.

Meticulously arranging the hefty assortment of colorful barrettes, hair bands, hair ribbons, hair clips, hair headbands, hair scarfs, hair bobbles... All theses accessories were collected and accumulated enthusiastically since her infancy.

Unexpectedly jarring a memory - I vividly recall coupled with the indescribable grief, the longing to buy something "girlie". Remember, my husband and I lost a beautiful, healthy daughter (2000), who died suddenly in my arms while nursing at my breast - while dining in a restaurant with my then 3 year old son and husband.

All the girlie things in the stores during that time were like knives in my heart at each sight. And I can remember all the pink in the stores, the dolls, the dresses; the plethora of decorative girlie hair accessories and wishing I had reasons to purchase. Sigh! Time and love has been my comforter.

It's amazing what simple things can make you pause and reflect. Thankfully I'm finally in a good place. Took over a decade, but I'm still here. Wiser and stronger. I feel grateful. I feel privileged.

Though my 5 foot 9, solid & strong, twelve year old (size 11 men's shoe) is no "girlie girl" (like I predicted my deceased daughter would be). She has her own sense of style. Confidently and comfortably dresses like a boy (with a taste of a feminine touch in between). Loves plaid shirts. Though she plays/competes like a typical boy, she will lovingly caress and cuddle her dad, brother and I as if we are her most treasured stuffed toys. There is a softer, sensitive side.

Amongst other things rough and tough and dirty, she knits, crochets, looms, sews. and still plays with dolls. So, these hair accessories are put to good use from time to time. Though I admit, certain days she'll let me place a ribbon in her hair. Tween now, bigger n' taller than I, regardless, she's still my subsequent cherished baby.

Today I reflected on how grateful I was in my present self-confidence. I'll be 49 - October 15th. And it took a lifetime to be where I am now emotionally.

Not only is there power in knowledge. Power in love, kindness, compassion. There is limitless power in not caring what others think about you.

Now of course, I DO care about how I treat people. Quality character is everything to me. Though my intent is to do well by others, I remain very sensitive about how others treat me. Some may assume by how outwardly strong I look on the outside, truth is, I'm very fragile.

Reflecting today revealed to me, that I'm not as fragile as I use to be (before renal failure/stroke. Before losing a child. Before a host of other life catastrophes).

What I learned about myself, I don't care. I no longer have the disease to please (honestly I lost that poison when my child died in 2000).

But what I realized today, I am no longer concerned  if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not believe what they believe. Many assume, but no one really knows. And they probably never will. Am I ashamed? No. Do I feel it necessary to discuss my personal beliefs with others? No. Do I need to convert others to "my way of life/thinking"? No! Beliefs of mine are personal.

I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not parent or educate "my kids" the way they exercised their freedoms to chose. Many can be rather dogmatic about even this topic. I learned that years ago when I'd open up (in an insecure way) about my schooling choices. Or state rather or not my husband and I would vaccinate our kids. And it wasn't me going around spewing my decisions on others. Naively, if someone would ask, I'd answer - thinking we are both sharing "our choices" minus any judgement. Oh my goodness. Some people avoided or even stopped talking to me. I was so clueless.

I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not vote the way they vote. Truthfully, politically speaking... I am for peace, love and happiness for all. Live your life and respect my freedom(s) to live mine - harming none in the process. That's about the most I'll share. Why should anyone care what my politically philosophy is? If I'm not getting paid for the risk involved to share it, I chose to keep my mouth close and just listen.

There is a certain degree of freedom in freeing your body, mind and soul (self) in not caring. Not losing sleep or losing your health worrying about weather or not others will like/love you. I've observed in my lifetime lots of horrible people who manage to retain the like/love from others, despite how they treat people. Bizarre, but I'm done trying to decipher that code.

For those struggle with the same or similar emotional challenges, free yourself. Because when the time comes (lose a child or nearly lose your life or other), you'll look around. All those people, many with flawed lives or personalities of their own will be MIA (missing in action) during your hour of need. So love yourself. Love those worthy of your energy. Embrace the moment you are in with mindfulness. It's okay to be who you are. Work on those parts of yourself that need fixin. Those parts of yourself that need healin. And keep believin as you chose. Eventually you'll find the path best for you.

Weeks ago, I was unexpectedly hospitalized. Was reluctant to be transported via ambulance from dialysis unit (where emergency occurred). Instead, my husband took me straight to the ER immediately following treatment.

Emergency was, I was having chest discomforts (tightening, difficulty breathing) during dialysis. Pain persisted for duration with no ease.

Fear rose as I remembered what happened just a year ago around this time. Same thing. Chest discomforts (but worse then) while at dialysis. That time, unit nurses exercised typical protocol. 911 called. Later, emergency workers, ended up surrounding my dialysis chair examining me.

From there, I was rushed (sirens blaring) straight to the hospital, my husband (who is always present through treatments) followed behind. *Just imagine the horror I was thinking and feeling during this frantic journey. How was my husband (of over 20 years) was thinking and feeling...

There, in the ER, and eventually hospitalized for days, several test were administered only to discover I had an aortic aneurysm. Since then, the "new" condition has been routinely monitored by my cardiologist.

This time, I was quietly worried. "Had heart issue worsened to the point of impending emergency surgery or worse, I wondered".  Coupled with concerns of, "oh my! How much will all this cost? We can't afford even more medical bills at this time".  We are drowning in medical debt from hospitalizations, prescriptions, doctor visits ($60.00 per visit), etc. And I'm not on disability or anything else, meaning, we are barely surviving on one income.

These thoughts kept me from initially admitting the pain I was in or, letting the dialysis staff call 911. At that time, the debt was more of a concern to me than my life. Patiently, my dear husband sat there beside me. "It's okay honey. Don't worry about the cost. Your life is more important".

The more sensible I became, fortunately. My primary focus slowly became for my well being. And the void my possible absence would grieve my husband and kids; plus others who may feel genuine love & affection for me.

Well, this ER visit, like the previous resulted in several necessary (but expensive) test and evaluations ~blood test, CT/CAT scans, EKG's, Stress test, Ultrasound, plus an extra dialysis treatment (due to the fluids injected during test. So I ended up having three dialysis treatments back-to-back - That Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) etc. Few days, hospitalized. And thankfully, everything came back negative. Slowly, but surely closer to wellness now.

My twelve year old daughter is VERY active - daily. For sports, right now she competes in golf, volleyball, flag football, handball, dodge ball, basketball, hockey, boxing, badminton. In the recent past she has competed in: baseball (not softball), tennis. She wants to participate in: rugby, water polo, lacrosse, martial arts. She also exercises with me at the fitness facility we all attend. There she runs (outdoors too), bikes, stair climbs, circuit, yoga (at home too), swims and aqua aerobics.

An awesome chess player too, I think her fearlessness keeps her at a level of excellence competitively both athletically and academically. Charitable volunteerism is factored into the weekly regimen.

An avid bibliophile (much like her family), she also knits, crochets and quilts very well. Equally loves the past time of gardening and culinary. Oftentimes either myself or even other adults seek out her expertise in troubleshooting project jams or confusions.

Most importantly, she is of quality character, which my husband and I are proud. Advanced for her age and grade, she has no challenges when it comes to easily socializing, engaging or interacting with others regardless of difference in age, gender, culture or background.

When I'm asked, "how long will you home-school?", I wonder. It is obvious to those paying attention, I hope - academically, athletically, attitude there's no problem. What part of her well-being or character will a traditional school environment benefit? My husband and I home-schooled our son through intense grief through child loss. At this point, I quit my career as a self-employed hairstylist.

And now. We continue to home-school through my debilitating health challenge.  The biggest strain and stress is it's just the four of us. Whatever happens we pretty much have to endure challenges alone - aside from my dad, who has become more consistent and helpful. And the biggest challenge - which has been rapidly growing since 2000, the year I had to stop working (due to the symptoms of grief) and now, humongous medical bills - which can be very depressing, to say the least.

I think the largest burden to any health challenge is the financial toll it has on the family as a whole. Every small expense, is a huge one coupled with what already exist. With no way of collecting disability, even though, I'm considered "disabled", I remain clueless as to whom some sort of healthcare reform was actually for. Rather than rant about anything that can possibly turn political, I'll stick to my personal policy ~ to never freely discuss my political or religious philosophies.

Sitting here, in bed. Marveling at the things I "can do".

At the beginning stages of this renal condition, I had a dialysis catheter [google]. This was a temporary port through my chest area for which dialysis treatments could be done. During months or year with catheter, I was hospitalized with a serious infection. This is one of the risk of having a catheter which is why they are temporary (I suppose).

Limitations were I had to be careful not to get it wet. Which meant, no long, luxurious baths. And absolutely NO SWIMMING.

For the past year or so, I have the dialysis fistula [google]. Mine is in my left arm. Limitations with this are: no jewelry or anything slightly restricting on that arm, ever. No carrying even slightly heavy objects with that hand or arm, i.e, groceries or hand bags. No sleeping on that side of the body. No strenuous activity, even certain sports that can pose risk of injury to that arm. There is a plethora of other "no, no's", but what I can do is SWIM.

Recently watched, TransFatty Lives. A biographical documentary about Patrick Sean O'Brien's journey through ALS. Film captures his humor, observations, reflections etc. All lacking in self-pity or "why me's". Lately I've been challenged by some health discomforts of my own. But nothing compares to what he is bravely enduring. So true, there is always someone in worse circumstances.

Something Patrick said that will stick with me, especially during moments when I feel like I'm being defeated by this condition of Renal Disease. While confined motionless to a bed, he chronicled his annoyance with the bugs that occasionally made his body their home. In his condition, there wasn't much he could do, other than blink. Finally he realized, surrendering somehow released him from the pestering the bugs presented.

Imagine. Even measly bugs can be your teachers. When you are forced to "be still". Amazing things you'll soon discover in that stillness. The core of who you are will soon blossom as superficial, trivial things that sometimes consumes us all become bugs in our lives.

Personally I had discoveries immediately following the death of a child. And I have discoveries following near death of my own. When faced with the worst, profound lessons can be had. Situations due to lack of: resources, money, influence and so on.

At some point when you become physically or emotionally paralyzed to where you can't run. Can't shop. Can't indulge in any of those things or behaviors you may have used to block out the realities around or within. Reality is, when life happens, you will have no choice but to stop. Soon you'll become enlightened. Become conscious. You'll see. You'll feel. You'll discover all senses and somewhat feel like, how I frequently described after losing a daughter, you'll feel like a superhero. Totally in-tuned to, totally unmoved by the world. Stoic.

Soon you'll attract that which is for your good and repel that which is not. People, places, things, ideas and beliefs suddenly become transparent. You have been gifted a new set of superpowers, as I described it a decade or so ago.

"Transfatty Lives is must see film. I was in tears but not drowning in sorrow. While in my own temporary vulnerability, I was glued to the screen. Transfixed (and transformed) on Patrick Sean O'Brien's courage and grace in the midst of his ordeal was inspiring. A teachable depiction about how to maintain a sense of SELF despite obstacles being faced.

Daily, I do my best. I know if anything, my twelve year old is watching. Absorbing. She's learning about how to cope, how to comfort, how to have compassion by seeing her "pillar of strength", her mom, conquer and overcome. My son witnessed my torturous grief through child loss. My daughter is witnessing this new battle our whole family is facing - together.

I'd hope that I could be an inspiration to others in some in some form. In some way, I have my own documentary happening right here. Right now. Times when I find myself whimpering in a fetal position, helpless. Unknowing how or if I'll survive the limitations that this condition has bestowed upon me. I quickly regain more logic and reasoning. Remembering where I was back in 2014 and where I am now. There still is much for me to be grateful. I'm still privileged my mind, my sanity. Most importantly, my family, my friends. And the battle is holding on to those fortunes maintained while in the midst of any tribulations. Stay optimistic. Stay thankful. Keep pushing through life mindfully. Embrace all moments. In the storm, the sun will eventually come up. Hold on. Wait, patiently. Surrender to those things, "the bugs" which are impossible to fight.