"Mom, why do you always push yourself so hard?", my eighteen year old son randomly asked. We've always been very close. Similar and open to one another. I miss exploring our community with him next to me - walking through places holding his hand and he, laid back (like his dad) allows this form of motherly protection and adoration. Meticulously in tuned to each other's thoughts, behaviors and responses -- my birthday is October 15th, his October 14th, a factor? I don't know.

"I push because I always had to. I've always had only myself to rely on, and if I needed/wanted something, I had to make whatever that was happen on my own". Silence. Unable to fully comprehend never having anyone to trust or count on -- especially in your time of need.

He's always had his parents. Parents who served and filled the roles of an extended family - grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins... His dad and I have been his all and then some. Coming into his own, he's quickly discovering some of his college mates have a community of people to count on in their time of need and/or want. Self-sufficiency is all he's observed in his loving home. No complaints, no whining, absolutely no excuses, we just "do" whatever needs doing, and that's it.

"Have you ever procrastinated on anything?", he later asked. I thought for a minute. It's unlike me to give him some BS answer. I've always been very straight and honest with my kids. Even too graphic in certain, I believe necessary cases. I thought for longer than I thought I should have. I knew I've procrastinated on plenty of things. Thankfully my kids, my husband know I'm no saint. I'm very flawed and I know and reflect on this. Sorta patient, like his dad, he waited for my response. Being intellectually and verbally slower now, due to the stroke I guess, he knows I'm no longer as sharp and precise as I once was. All forms of communication is a daily challenged for me. Even blogging.

"Mommy procrastinated on competing in an adult female basketball league. Now that I have this 'fistula (research Arteriovenous AV fistula & photos)' I can never compete in any physical type activities, without risk. I should have done so when I had better health". More silence. Quietly, he understood. His mom once was very active with him and his sister - academically & athletically. Along with borrowing sports books & videos from the library, we'd practice whatever sport he was playing for that season. Even if I've never played before, I'd coach from watching to doing; and from learned knowledge through research and close observation of other coaches (the quality ones).

Since he's been home on summer break from college, I've been trying my hardest to spend every moment with him. I missed him so much while he was gone ~ took comfort in the fact that he was somewhere safe and sound. That I can see, hold, smell, experience him again - unlike where my deceased child is. Yes, morbid sounding, but this is the perspective I use with lots in my daily thinking. I know what wailing/longing, gut wrenching, life alternating agony is, and the permanent results of the kidney failure/stroke/aneurysm on my aorta is not it. I've survived parental bereavement for a decade and a half now, and my does time fly. I remember doubting I'd survive, live another day without my child, but I did. If I can live through that pain, pain which continues, pain which lead to this current illness. I can survive anything, especially petty, trivial day-to-day hurdles.

Reality is, much of what exist, what is endured is trivial compared to losing a child, so I courageously press on with my day to day. Gratefully get up, get things done kind of attitude.

I was anxious for him to be home and see how much I've improved. When this health crisis first occurred, he was in the mist of finals - completing junior college and applying for universities at the time. It was a very stressful period for our small family. But somehow, we survived like always. And being a survivor is what I hope my kids are watching. Languishing in repairable victimization and fixable failure is not an option. Through every situation, I  believe in looking inward. Learning what I can about self. How can I attract positive or repeal negative situations. What are the people I chose to have around teaching me about who they really are?  How can I rise, like a phoenix - more powerful.

Hope they are not seeing weakness in mentality. This time weakness in physical was blatant. For the first time, I had no choice but to rely on others - my husband, my kids, my dad for the short time he stuck around, friends, doctors, nurses, other medical saviors. And my forever cherished therapist.

Right now, my son sees me doing things without assistance like: independently brushing my teeth. Walking to the toilet. Drinking. Eating. Bathing. Sitting up right. Walking. Driving. Speaking. Comprehending. Typing. Writing. Reading. Making decisions. Exercising. Running. Going up/down stairs. Taking my own medicine. Being home alone without my husband near by for several hours at a time. Being alert and aware of my surroundings. Multitasking. The list goes on. Practically an invalid this time last year, daily I'm amazed. For the first time, humbly in awe of myself. Worthy!

I vividly remember laying in my hospital bed - which became my home after two months or so (was in and out of hospital during the beginning of illness) thinking to myself, if I ever get out of this bed, I'm going to ... There was a list basic things I wanted to do and experience before my end.

I wanted to hold & squeeze my kids longer than during those brief visits they had at the hospital. (My husband protected them and rightfully so. I was not in good shape. My daughter still talks about the horror of seeing her "mommy with noodles hanging from her mouth" while in a complete stupor).

Do things I was once reluctant to do or put off, like "play basketball" or talk to certain people - look past their unpleasantness and try to see more substance. I've always done this, but before I would internalize the behaviors of others more. Forever being highly sensitive, I would lament, "what did 'I' do wrong" and try to resolve it with extra kindness. Insecurities from childhood, I know. Unreasonably stupid, but true. Glad my kids didn't inherit the disease to please. They've always been rather secure and confident. Leaders not followers. Observers of foolishness not joiners, thankfully. Wait, I just remembered an incident or two. To be more accurate, "rarely" joiners of foolishness...

Now, I'm sure people are dealing with their own issues, their hidden demons if you will. And there is nothing I can do to change who they are. Other than my typical genuine kindness & compassion, I can give a possible negative person the energy they're familiar. Little do they know, I may have been where they are or I may be enduring something far beyond their comprehension myself. I just don't show my misery to the world. If I blamed strangers of the world for my bad days/life, what example would that represent to my kids? How is meanness/cruelty/hostility benefiting my life? I digressed.

Intentions were to let my son see my day in its authenticity. Mommy is alright. I was so proud of his accomplishments with all that he was going through privately. He's private so most of his friends and acquaintances didn't know his mom nearly died from 5% kidney failure. Being a proud and stoic person myself, I begged him to share his hardships with his friends and others from my hospital bed the best I could. Frustrated in my fragile state, I fought to get him to allow others to cloak him in love and support and compassion since I could not. His dad was a rock for all of us.

This was a good opportunity to see others for who they were. Fair weathered or foul relationships. Give friends a chance to demonstrate traits of a loyal friend. And acquaintances to show their character as well. And oftentimes along the way, meet strangers who become instant friends.

Finally I was able to teach him to do something I've never been able to do, ever - let people in. Let them see you vulnerable. If there is a need, give some benevolent, unselfish person a chance to do something humane on your behalf. It's okay to be a recipient of kindness. Believe me, being a people pleaser, or a giver all the time gets exhausting. Like your mom learned years ago, chose your relationships wisely - so that in the dark, devasting times, there will be minimal to no disappointments. You may feel alone, but you won't be alone. People need people. Helping hands.

Being completely vulnerable and letting people in was my biggest life lesson received from this illness. Being totally unafraid of the thoughts & criticisms of others was another big lesson. All needed and valuable lessons. Life is fleeting, favoring no one regardless of personal beliefs or personality. Randomly good times can unexpectedly shift in an instant. No warnings. Life won't seem to care about your beliefs or your personality. Awesome things happen to bad people all the time. Awful things happen to good people all the time. Life happens to us all, keep living...