Noticing how fearless I've become.

Starting and sharing this blog is one of the most courageous things I've done since my illness: other than continuing to choose life instead of defeat. Get up, instead of give up ~ positively contribute to the planet. Staying optimistic about my health. *One doctor who visits other patients at my dialysis unit commented that every time he passes my chair he see's I'm smiling. Looking pleasant. I believe people can sense a fake and a fraud. Apparently he sees my outside reflecting whats inside.

Finally, I don't care what anyone says or does, I'm being and expressing me, Noticing how I'm leaving messages on blogs and other websites - which is something new for me. Someday soon, I may even start twittering.  Facebook? I don't now yet.

I have a collection of writings some where on a dated computer of ours filled with: my poems, short stories, essays, etc. that have never been read by anyone aside from my husband or my kids. Never have I took the risk to write anything on the Internet to anyone. Look at me! Once I realized this, I'm freely exposing myself, my feelings, my thoughts... I had to blog.

I use to care what others thought. Fear of being judged or misunderstood until I realized, I was worrying about what an insecure, inept person (who I more than likely didn't respect or look up to) thought most of my life. Ridicule received from others can come from dark places inside someone's soul with the intent to bring you into their abyss. Yeah, I go back and research some of the old school tormentors. Look at them now. See them, finally see them for who they are (or were), wounded people wounding others. And now I'm like, I actually cared about what THAT this person thought?! Where are they now? Where am I? Compassionately I've moved forward.

My kids never cared what others thought. But then again, they are being raised in a completely different environment. They entered this world under different circumstances. They are safe & secure; been protected & prioritized -- some of the possible reasons why they KNOW they are loved unconditionally. They feel loved. They hear "I love you's", though we don't buy them much of anything. It is our presence not our presents that counts. Fortunately so.

It's a late hour and I'm up feeling jovial and inspired. Just watched this instructional sewing video on YouTube. Whoever invented this technology is a genius! I just love, love YouTube. There I watch instructional videos mostly. There is absolutely no excuse to know nothing in this modern day. I'm shocked when I meet a person who doesn't appear knowledgeable about anything. There is just so much to learn, so little time. How can anyone be bored with an array of subjects at your fingertips.

I plan to learn a several languages during my time on dialysis. Most of my technicians are Filipino. They speak Tagalog. I'm going to learn Tagalog and Spanish - which has some similar "sounding" words, of course, I'll confirm. Then go on to learn more languages from there. I'm going to use this time wisely - I'm on the machine for three hours/ three days per week - every week (including holidays) for the remainder of my life, or until I receive a kidney from a live donor (better) or otherwise (okay).

Also, I'm going to perfect my math skills. Seems like what little I know (my husband is a math person), faded from the stroke, so I'll improve during this time by utilizing several resources - library books, Internet sites, CD's, etc.

My kids know better than to say , "I can't" or "I don't know". Yeah, they'll say, "I don't know, but let me find out". Instead of "I can't" it's "I'll try" because I'll never expect anything undo-able from them. As long as they are able bodied, they are functional. They've been taught how to research and discern information early on, which makes home educating easier since they've been guided and groomed to be competent during their spongier years - starting at infancy.

Seeing me, a doer struggle with ailments proved to them anything is possible. If my mommy can get up and do all the things she does without constant whining and complaining, then I better get off my rump and not disappoint. They've witnessed the pain behind closed doors, but when I go out into the world, there is an affable, stoic spirit. Inspiring rather than burdening others with my issues.

Don't have a computer, no excuses. Go to the library! No library in your area, find the nearest location. Don't have transportation? Utilize public means! Just go and be adventurous -- all the free, accessible resources that are available for you and me to explore.

I've relearned how to knit and crochet on-line. After my stroke, I had to relearn how to do the simplest things - writing, typing, sentence structure to name a few. Couldn't walk, now I'm running a mile at the gym followed by biking for 30 minutes!  Still home educating. The list goes on. No excuses. It hasn't been that long, (2014). My health challenge hasn't stopped me, what's stopping you?