Restless. Couldn't rest while on dialysis this morning -- (I'm on the machine by 4:45am. Three hours each visit - Monday, Wednesday, Friday. This is my life until I get a kidney). My exhausted husband was right beside me, as he has always been (and my dad a couple of times in the  past - in cases of other obligations with our kids), today he was snoring. Loudly.

I didn't want to disturb him, so I independently tried to do things for myself, with my limited mobility - fistula (research vascular access) in my left arm. Which has two huge, painful needles inserted for the entire treatment. I have to keep this arm straight for the whole three hours.

Today my head began to hurt and I was feeling a bit queasy. Probably because I arrived to the unit heavier. Weighed prior to each visit to help technicians determine how much of my blood needs filtering. Dialysis machines purpose is to do what my kidneys cannot - my kidneys were only functioning at 5% back during 2014 - sudden hospitalization. My high pain tolerance kept me courageously completing daily task, doing things I suspect many healthy people wouldn't do without complaint & anguish. All this time, my body was shutting down. I was slowly leaving this earth.

I digress. Obviously I'm consuming either too much food even on this dreaded Renal Diet or the forbidden, over reaching my fluid restrictions - which for me, is only two liters per day.

Since I was heavier this morning, I needed extra fluids pulled. This can be risky (so it's best not to get into this situation in the first place), pulling large amounts of fluids in one visit can cause bodily discomforts on top of the usual discomforts of the dialysis process.

This morning I had the headache (was a daily chronic migraine suffer for decades prior to illness. So I panic when any head pain is felt), nausea and some mild cramping. My intent was to self medicate before discomforts worsened. I had prescription Tylenol in my dialysis bag along with a small water bottle. Carefully I reached into my bag, successfully obtained what I needed, then... this is where things kinda went downhill. While putting my water back, thinking the top was on securely, the whole thing spilled into the bag. Arrgh!

I only sipped the full small water bottle to preserve my fluid intake, so as a result, most of the water was soaked my sturdy canvas bag. I had no choice but to wake my husband. Patiently, he removed all items which were: library books, a composition book (which  is where I write my blogs until I have time  to type on my laptop), writing tablet, notebook, coloring book, crayons, small purple stress ball (for fistula development), large sized playing cards, clipboard, an Oprah magazine, small knitting project (a colorful scarf I was working on), a hard surfaced/ travel sized Othello board game, and a stack of youth activity flyers - which I was planning to input dates & times into my phone.

My Samsung tablet, large/red off brand headphones and Iphone were already out on my side - dialysis chair flip tray. A few items were dripping, in need of attention, but luckily nothing was too soaked. Surprisingly I wasn't frustrated by my inability to assist with the clean up. *This illness has taught me early on to let go of control. Receive help from others and not feel shame or unworthy.

Flyer sheets were quickly beginning to show signs of water damage. Aside from the disturbance to my amazingly calm husband and some inconvenience in terms of getting comfy again, I was grateful no library books were destroyed. My husband began to gather paper towels from a nearby dispenser.

Funny thing is, once things were beginning to settle, I had to pee. And temporary disconnect from the dialysis machine is a process. I have to notify a technician. They'll come and gently unscrew certain tubs, then make sure the dangling ones are securely tapped down. Hopefully my blood pressure is not too low, if it is, walking is difficult. Eventually off me, the patient goes to relieve oneself.

My husband patiently asked, "can you hold it". Here I had two or more hours remaining and I was already restless. Acting like a bored child with so many toys to play with, all I can do is take a deep breath when dealing with myself sometimes.

Fortunately, I managed to "hold it". Speaking of which, every time I relieve myself, it's a celebration. Many dialysis patients stop urinating all together. Imagine that for a while. No longer using the toilet. And the defecating is another subject. Stools get harden. Constipation. I guess due to the fluid restrictions. Kidneys are an instrumental part of our body. I thought I knew about my organs, but I soon discovered how ignorant I was to the full scope of how the body operates.

Oftentimes if you're still urinating, only a drop comes out. And I avoid being the process of being disconnected from dialysis machines only to sit for a "drop".

Regardless of a plethora of health challenges, I remain genuinely optimistic 90% of the day. Yeah, admittedly I have the occasional gripes - which I quickly learned I can't share with everyone, yet I endure all the suffering because I have so much to be thankful for. A king of a husband by my side from the beginning, no excuses whatsoever. Two living (lost third, I'm in that group no one ever wants to join, a bereaved parent) children. It's just us. Not much, but I consider myself wealthy - in love, in trust, in loyalty, in commitment, in joy with my small family. Only because of "them", I still breath. So far, I'm grateful I stuck around for this long. Life is good!