Rarely do I feel like an adult. Oftentimes I resent having to "act" like a grown ass woman - with maturity and sound choices. I guess this is the result of such a challenging childhood. Having to grow up too fast has it's disastrous setbacks. Early trauma's can mentally (and physically) stunt growth and development.  As an adult woman, I find myself longing to have emotionally available and unselfish parents loving arms to sob into any time of the day. I remind my kids to be thankful they have parents to lean on when times get tough. We will always be here - no judgment. No criticism. No resentment towards them needing/wanting us.  We brought these precious lives into this challenging world. We knew intellectually there will be times they'll need us, even when they reach adulthood. I wonder do sexually irresponsible people ever think about what they are getting themselves into when they put themselves in a position to create a child. Daily I worry if I'm guiding healthy minded human beings. Am I (and my husband) modeling quality behavior to mimic. Are we choosing their environment consciously with quality people doing quality things? Are we demonstrating effective ways to choose our relationships wisely; while teaching people how to treat you (with respect). During my parental bereavement, during my health crisis, it was imperative for me to conduct the sudden loss of my child, unexpected loss of good health in a courageous, civilized, controlled manner. Grieving without taking my personal pain out on others; grieving while still caring for my responsibility without complaining; living the remainder of my life with strength, dignity and respect. It's just the four of us, and hopefully I've shown them that all things are possible with a positive, productive, peaceful attitude. Get through life's adversities with an open mind towards learning beneficial lessons about oneself, about ones fellowman. Evolve as a person through pain. Become more fearless, more ambitious. Leave this life with something good because of you. We can't chose our family. We can chose our friends, our environments. Who you chose to have around you (positive or negative energies) is a choice. Any negative family members we can sagaciously love them at a distance. Have a forgiving heart while wishing them the best without being affected/infected by them. Sometimes when you have kids to raise, it is best to protect them from negative, destructive influences. Don't risk them ingesting the same poisons that nearly suffocated you. If you barely survived horrific dealings with your parents or the people your parents chose to have you around (and seeing, knowing how wounded you are), why have your kids around these same type of folks?  Is the aftermath worth it? I'm really a small child in an adult body. I wasn't finished growing up when certain things were permitted to occur to/around me. I'm more the wiser having hit pause  on my unconsciously lived life decades ago so that I can  adequately and begin to fearlessly comprehend and reflect. This is scary and risky. People tend to stay busy, keep lots of people around so that they will not be alone to think. To remember. Running away from pain is a survival mechanism but a dangerous one. Sometimes life's experiences forces you to stop while the rest of the earth continues to rotate around you. You may want to get back into its rotation prematurely without being fully ripened, but tragedy can paralyze you into remaining still. remain on the wisdom tree until ready to be harvested. This happened to me twice. Each time I got stronger get wiser, probably smarter too. But still, never feeling completely like a grown ass woman. Like my kids are privileged to do, I wish I could curl up into a parents arms. Experience the aura of security, warmth, love, nurture and awe.