Gift ideas for a dialysis patient ~

A hug, a smile goes a long way.

A card. A note. A call. A text. An email expressing you're thinking of them.

A warm meal (see renal diet). Cooking is always a key to the heart.

If crafty, a hand-made (sew, crochet, knit, loom, etc.) item such as:  a warm blanket. A warm scarf or cowl (neck warmer). Warm socks. Warm ear muffs. Warm gloves. It gets cold in most dialysis units. Comfort is essential during those three hours (or longer) treatments.

Notebook. Pen. *I know I like to write during my treatments. My dialysis bag is full of tools for artistic expression.

Large sturdy travel-type bag. *I take two large bags. One bag, I have my bedding - twin size sheet, a warm twin sized quilt, a small arm pillow (used under needled arm for extra support), a U-shaped pillow (I use mine in front, under my chin opposed to the usual behind the neck). And the other bag, I carry my composition books - one I use to record information about my treatment for the day, such as: arrival time, attending technician, dry weight, labs done, my mood, health issues, blood pressure plus questions for my nephrologist (who comes to the unit once a week).

A long back scratcher. *When confined to one spot for three or more hours one can itch in even the weirdest places. Hard to get to places to. Though my husband is nearby, his nails are not always enough to satisfy or reach the itch.

A wide fan. *Yes, it gets cold. But a few times, it has gotten pretty warm. And I've come close to removing clothing in an attempt to cool off. Thankfully I had my handy fan. Everything necessary is in my bag :)

Tasty lasting snack. *My treatments start at 4:30 am - for three hours. By 7 am, I get hungry. So I keep either a half sandwich. Or crackers. Or a piece of fruit. And hard candies. Most of the time, I have a small water in my bag too.

Thermo cooler. Keep those snacks they may want to stay cold. *I carry those small bag-shaped thermos so that they can fit in my dialysis bag.

Reading material. A nice book mark. Find out renal patients literary interest. *I'm an avid reader. So I keep a book I own, included with due library books to complete in my dialysis bag.

Lotion, chap stitch *Yes, I keep all this in my bag too. Lips and skin gets or feels dry which can add to discomfort.

A mirror. *I keep a small mirror in my bag. No, I haven't used it, yet. But one is there just in case.

Gum, mints, etc. *I one or all of these things in my bag. I'm very paranoid about the freshness of my breath. Though I brush/floss, mouthwash regularly, still. Since this condition, it's harder maintaining a fresh smelling or feeling mouth.

Games - such as, playing cards, chess board, etc. *Sometimes my husband and I play chess (he's teaching me because I want to surprise my chess playing kids).

Ear Phones (and music device), *Of course, these are in my bag, plus something (I forget the name) I use to watch educational videos on. It also can be used to listen to CD's.

Eye mask or shades. *It is very bright inside the units. Sometimes they'll allow patient to wear eye mask or shades.

Calendar - since everyone have the time or energy to figure out how to use their cell phone (if they own one) as a calendar. So a traditional paper calendar can be useful to keep medical appointments. Keep track of medications, list physicians and so on.

Well, that's all I can thing of right now. But I think I've blogged about "What's in my dialysis bag" previously. Take some ideas from what's in my bag to possible purchase or hand-create for someone you may want to do something special. Let me know if this was useful or if you have any questions or suggestions about adding somethings to this list.

Had a wonderful day of thanks with family and friends. I certainly have much for which to be thankful, thankfully.

Looking forward to resuming swim routine. I was hospitalized a couple of weeks ago for a fistula infection. Forgot the exact name of infection, but it turns out, my frequent swimming didn't help. Though the antibiotics prescribed did help clear up infection, the wound has yet to completely heal. In the meantime, I take walks. Plan to return to the gym to exercise soon. I swim still, but only in my head. Since I just learned to swim this summer, I want to keep up with improvements. Only in my head, I practice my strokes, my breathing...until.

Had a fistalogram (Google) last week. A minor surgery. It went well. Need another fistula surgery soon. But the wound has to heal first. Hopefully surgeon can eliminate some of the grotesque appearance of my arm due to the fistula. If not, do whatever is necessary.

Through it all, I feel optimistic. Like a quote I've embraced from a cherished Bruce Lee book I own, "adapt like water". Well, I've become the water. Going with the flow.

How cool is this? being able to watch, "Seinfeld" (fluffy shirt episode) at 4:30 am on a Saturday during my three hour dialysis treatment.  Covered in a hand quilted, twin-sized blanket my husband and I purchased weeks ago at a neighborhood flea market.

November 8th, I was in a hospital bed - on an antibiotics IV, recovering from a minor dialysis fistula infection. Days before, I was in a packed ER room, frantically filling out my mail-in ballot to cast my procrastinated vote for the candidate I least feared to lead this country.

Home now. I awoke this morning feeling panicky. Worried. After all, myself and many of the quality people with whom I associate, many friends; people whom I love and respect fit the diverse profiles those publicly ranted; plethora of irresponsible, vicious, negative "tweets" were against.

Who will lead people like me, like us... minus any toxic hate or vengeance or ignorance? I'm concerned. But I'm sure, with time and thought, I'll quickly recover. The Behaviors won't affect my life, our lives.. will they? Are those who are okay with the behaviors, those who celebrate, do they too secretly harbor these type of feelings for those who are different?

Being an "anti-bullying" type of parent who teaches and models quality behavior - kindness, tolerance, respect, fairness, decency, honesty, integrity, reason, logic, thoughtfulness,  mindfulness, forgiveness; hard work (you will not start your lives at 3rd base then go on acting like you hit a home run, thus treating others as if they are inferior and so on), get your facts first, knowledge, intellectual curiosity and so on. How do I continue to parent teaching that all these traits of quality character are the keys to success in this world?

Mind you, my escalating medical expenses have been causing extreme stress. I've worked most of my life. But, I'm not on disability or any other type of assistance. My husband, a tax accountant is our sole income. The debt from the rising cost of frequent co-pays, prescriptions, etc. had me really questioning my vote. Here I was, in fistula pain for days afraid of the copay of the ER visit. My fears of medical cost is one of the causes of my current predicament with renal disease. Afraid to get medical care because of the cost. I don't want to possibly leave my already struggling family in debt!

I was reluctant to blog about this subject as I'm a believer in keeping my religious/political beliefs private. After all, for example. When you cast your political vote, it's in a securely enclosed space. No one can see. And respectfully, no one asks.

My religious thoughts are the same, enclosed and private. And I'm not expressing either here, really. Just my fears of the known (past behaviors), and the unknown (would the past behaviors continue or worsen)? I'm stuck in a constant sickness to my stomach wondering/worrying...

Politics and Religion can be unpleasantly divisive. It can reveal "conditional" feelings quickly. If someone expressed deep love and kindness and support and civility toward you at one point, then later even suspect you may not believe exactly as they do, they immediately change. Instantly become less loving. Less kind. Less supportive. And less civil. It's rather unfortunate.

This possibility is truly scary and hurtful. It can sting whenever it happens to the best of us. But I noticed that even though I've avoided these subjects in my personal life, believers can hear my glaring silence when these subjects sneak up and most of the time, they judge.

But you live and you learn.  Nevertheless, you remain true to who you are. Those who are genuine will find you and you won't have to be concerned if their treatment of you is conditional or unconditional. Their goodness, their generosity, their gracefulness will be sincere & long-lasting.

A great wise woman once said, I think it was Maya Angelou, "when people show you who they are, believe them".

I know I'm not alone in my feelings or my predicament. I bravely hit, "Publish" . Then, "share" buttons.

I'm privileged to know a few renal patients outside of the dialysis facility. Our course, there is one, my half sister (on my father's side). She's close to my age. I'm close to 50 and she's a bit older. And then there are three others - who are probably in their 40's.

All of which are active and doing well. All had transplants. My sister's mother gave her a kidney. One is going back on dialysis soon, but doing well. They are also open and honest about their journey through renal failure. I consider them and the new people that I meet an inspiration. I look at/to them, and see they are surviving and living with this thing. And every time I may reach a low period (which is temporary), I think of them.

Weather has been lovely, but it has been HOT. I've remained quite active physically . As a result,  extreme thirst has been my current dilemma. Due to the fluid restrictions for renal patients each day (fluids from drinks, vegetables, fruits, ice, etc. are a factor), unfortunately I've been arriving at dialysis a bit over my dry weight. And with this, more liquid has to be pulled from the dialysis machine which poses many extra risk. One in which I was recently challenged by. Severe cramping.

Imagine if you will, experiencing the worse muscle cramps you've ever had and being limited in movement while attached to blood pressure coughs and huge needles for three hours.

No, my muscle cramps didn't last for three hours, but at the time, it felt like an unbearable eternity. Husband was napping in the car at the time. With the TV remote, I buzzed the nurse. Thankfully the dialysis staff immediately took really good care of me.

When those cramps come, all composure leaves. I become a different person. Instantly, I'm no longer a compliant, composed patient. Pleading for help, even though help is present. Whatever is on me, blankets, pillows... ends up on the floor. Eventually I'm up standing.

It is advisable to remain seated due to the two huge needles in your arm. And the attached blood pressure cuff on the other arm. If blood pressure is too low, which it usually is. Could faint.

What they do is, return some of the fluids through the attached tubing. The staff this day (remember I have a different crew since my treatment days changed) stayed with me. Held my leg in a position which relieved the discomfort. I begged her not to let go, and she didn't. She then gathered all my items that I had tossed on the floor. Placed them neatly on a nearby chair. Gratitude was expressed repeatedly for her competent & compassionate assistance.

Those cramps... I'm thinking at the time, "I'll never consume too many liquids again". And here I am. On another warm day, possibly over-consuming again  - ice, water, fruit. Sigh! I'm so thirsty.

My son, the eldest is 20 years old today. He's still considered my best(est) birthday present ever and always, born just an hour before my birthday.

Not far, but an hour or so away at a very academically challenging college. Though he's same state, we don't see him as much as we'd like. And rarely does he respond to my frequent calls or text. Sigh! I miss him so. But understand that his dad and I lovingly prepared him for the this phase of his life.

Now that he's deeper into his adulthood, I fear he's farther away from baby{dom}. All I want to do is hold him still.  Adapting, I can no longer do/say the same things by him, he'll check me immediately. "Mom, I'm a man now". I'm still adjusting to what that means.

We are still very close, thankfully. Our relationship is just different now. Really, I remember the changes soon after my initial hospitalization. My kids really grew up fast when that happened (2014). I'm still catching up.

Well, we are going to drive up and see him over the weekend. I'm so excited. This extra joy is welcomed considering the last few weeks I've had with dialysis and my fistula (Google).

Every time we see or talk to our son, changes are evident. It's so weird. Truth is, when you see your kid everyday, you may not immediately recognize their physical or mental growth. But when there is time in the equation, it can be like seeing a totally new person/personality each time you see them.

I've embraced every moment. Just being here, alive and privileged another day. Have an opportunity to experience my husband and kids and friends and even strangers is awesome. I'll never forget what its like to come so close to death and to be forced into long-term stillness. Be vulnerable to where everyone can see. Thoughts became of how cautiously-fearless I'd live my life once I regained my abilities -- to talk, walk, write, eat, comprehend, etc.

So this and other days, especially birthdays are extra special for me. Usually holidays, and birthdays are like another day to us. But for me, everyday is one to be celebrated.

My usual dialysis days have recently been changed. New ones are same time (4:30 a.m.) - Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday. It was a process getting to this point and I won't share much here...

For some time now, I've been suffering fistula (google dialysis fistula) challenges. Primarily by "the stick" during and after. It got to the point, I began having anxiety/panic attacks. Was emotionally fragile. Irritable, impatient, frustrated with my family. Eventually it came to a point, I was plotting an escape from my regular treatments as the pain was that unbearable.

Every stick is not the same. From my experience, there is a good stick. And there is a bad stick. Reality is, some may have a touch for the technique, some may not. My experiences were too inconsistent, mostly painful. I tried to speak up, gracefully. My ever-present husband tried to speak up, gently. Both, ignored. Neither of us knew what to do. I felt stuck. Trapped. Doomed. As if I was confined to my own type of hellish existence. My limited options seemed nonexistent. Eventually, I cracked. Optimism was no more. I was becoming farther from who I was/am. My truth.

Fast forward - best solution for my dilemma became to change the days. With new days (included with a different chair/area), same location though. Different experience. I am no longer in extra agony from the stick (which is two, huge needles left in my arm every time for the three full hours).

With the changing of the days, my families whole routine has to be changed. My husband, an accountant (whose company let him work from home on my dialysis days so that he can accompany me to my treatments and medical appointments) had to get approval to make changes to his work schedule.

Changes to the extracurricular activities I frequented with my daughter, Changes to the routine activities I attended for my personal well-being & enjoyment. Change. No one likes that. But this condition is daily teacher about change, in particular. I must adapt to situations no one would want to bare. I must be flexible for those limitations that adds to life challenges but, keeps me alive. Change - in cents or in circumstance... yeah, those honest will admit, no one likes that.

Initially worried about how the changes would affect me and my family and others, I ultimately had to learn how to be even more assertive (I "thought" I was, but learned I wasn't when it came to "me"). Make sure I was receiving the best care possible without my usual fear of possibly hurting feelings or being misunderstood or even feeling judged. And if pain or inconvenience could be minimized for me, I needed to seek treatment from those better skilled and competent to deliver.

Though negatively affected by this experience, I'm thankful, nonetheless.

This woman (complete stranger) just went  off on me.

While at a family-oriented environment, with my twelve-year old daughter sitting at the table with me - me, hyper-focused, knitting. And my daughter, studious. Completing her academics.

We were both seated at a small, rounded table near the entrance of the facility. All our bags, books, yarn, laptop, tablet, phones, lunches, water bottles, etc. were neatly piled on top of the table we were utilizing. I sat in one chair, my daughter in the other. Also, I had additional bags on a third chair (I saw that there were numerous available chairs nearby just in case some one needed seating).

We were there, enjoying our day together. Productively & peacefully doing what we normally do. Suddenly, here comes this woman. With her energy, "are you using this chair?" Barely looking up, as I was very focused (trying to comprehend cabled knit hat pattern I was reading), "yes", I responded.

She spoke again, sternly, "well, can't you put your bags on the floor?" Me, not paying attention really, somewhat passively, "where will I put them?" Again, I wasn't thoroughly in-tuned to what was going on really. I felt her energy but didn't feed it. I was preoccupied with my child and my yarn & needles.

Prior to sitting, I figured there where plenty of available seats (same exact chairs) adjacently stacked. But, for some reason, this woman must have wanted the chair "my bags" were on. Sigh!

When I mindlessly asked that woman "where will I put them", and why did I do that. Hugely present by this time,  angrily she griped, "well, can't you put them on the floor?!" Confused, but unmoved, I uttered, "I'd prefer not to" assuming incorrectly that she'd eventually keep it moving.

The she was, in my face (literally) now, attempting to intimidate, "you know these chairs are not here for what you are using them for. You should be a better example to your child!"

Continued with my face down, knitting. Aware of the type of nature this woman was demonstrating, I carefully removed my bags and scooted the chair toward her.

Yelling crazily by this time (mind you, this was a mature woman with her two tween boys next to her judging the example "I" was setting), "I don't want the chair now. You should have just gave it to me when I asked for it. You are a poor example to your daughter..."

This woman whom I've never ever seen in my life, who does not know if that was my daughter or not, went completely berserk in public with a lobby full of people (adults and small children).

Intuitively, I knew not to acknowledge her. To remain quiet. Be still. Nothing at that moment coming out of my mouth may have come out productively. Let this moment pass.

Eventually the woman walked away, her voice fading deeper into the busy lobby. Soon as it was clear, I glanced toward my daughter. Asking if the woman and her child were out of sight.

My stunned, assertive daughter began to say, "mom, the woman was right. You should have just gave her the chair in the beginning". My reply was, "it was her approach, her demeanor. And before I knew what was going on, she was going off on me". I went on to say, "whatever that was had absolutely nothing to do with me or the chair". I instructed my daughter, "learn from this. Have compassion. We don't know what that woman is going through. Nor does she know what we may be going through".

We both sat there speechless. Mood interrupted, but temporarily. Quickly, we proceeded to do what we were doing before that tornado came through. The air was clearing. We took bites of our lunches. Sips of our water. Carried on as if nothing happened. Later, as we continued to sit in the same spot, curious, I asked my daughter, "what did you learn from that experience?"

I told her to keep an eye out. Eventually the woman has to exit past us. Be sure not to stare but be aware. You never want some volatile person approaching without warning.

Sure enough, the woman came out. Had to walk past us again. Calmly, I kept my head down. Still knitting, but not submissively. This time, I was watching an instructional YouTube video of the pattern I was initially following. Was wearing headphones.

To my surprise, the woman didn't glare or exit angrily. She did quite the opposite. She peacefully and politely approached me. Got in my face again, but tenderly.  Looked me straight in the eye with a sincerity, "excuse me, I'm sorry" she said. Shocked, but I but careful not to show it.

I removed my headphones, raised my tilted head, not thinking of what else to say, I acknowledged her gesture. "Thank you", I said minus emotion. Then she left. Boys in tow. Air, even clearer.

Once she was gone, my daughter and I looked at each other. "Wow" we both said. I immediately asked, "what did you learn from that whole experience honey?" That was a good lesson. What an experience. In the end, my daughter, those boys learned from the woman and I both that day.

Had an appointment with an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) doctor. This was my first time seeing this doctor or going to this office.

I sat in the waiting room nervously. Usually my husband accompanies me to my medical appointments, especially all the "first time" ones.

As I was filling out all the tedious and confusing paperwork (keep in mind, I'm a stroke survivor), I was not only wondering if I was wise and accurate in what I was writing and, if I this office could "bill me".

With the medical insurance my accountant husband's company provided, our co-pay is a whopping $60.00! Calculate that with 3 or more medical visits each week, coupled with all the weekly prescription refills AND monthly medical bills overdue.

While there, I felt warm all over. The longer I waited (which was over an hour by the time I was seen), the more nervous I felt. During, I didn't feel too comfortable with my experience thus far, and I hoped that I would at least LIKE the doctor I was scheduled to see.

Finally my name was called. The staff who called my name failed to make eye contact. This always cause me pause. As I was placed in the room, more questions were asked, and she still never made eye contact. I realized some people are grossly socially challenged, but damn, I had to pay $60.00 for you not to even look at me?!

Speaking of which, luckily, they were able to call my husband (who goes into the office on my non-dialysis days) to get the payment via credit card by phone. They wouldn't bill me. And I rarely have money on hand.

So, the staff eventually left (without making eye contact), and I waited several more long minutes. The doctor eventually enters. Cheerfully and making courteous eye contact, thankfully. I like him already. He comes in confidently and competently. Immediately he does would ENT's do, I suppose.

He proceeds to check my ear (which I had a horrible ear infection that prevented me from swimming for a while). Noticing the infection, he cleans my ear out, suggesting I continue prescription my other doctor prescribed.

But what I was there for, was that since my renal condition (since 2014), I've had awful breath issues. Frequent brushing/flossing/cleaning tongue/mouthwash/gum/mints...to no relief.  I've always been very meticulous about my oral hygiene, so any challenges with my mouth is concerning.

He stated that this was common in renal patients, especially with all the medications. And there was not much that can be done. Arrgh!

I like him, but was hoping he'd have some sort of solutions. Fortunately he is referring me to a Gastrointestinal doctor. Again, hoping for an immediate remedy to my bad breath.

Yesterday while out on our typical day at a family-oriented facility. I was walking to my vehicle - parked in the handicapped area. A bit of an older gentleman was slowly but barely walking assisted by his cane ahead of me. Remembering what moments were like when I was re-learning how to walk, I patiently slowed down as not to make him feel rushed or uncomfortable or embarrased.

As I carefully inched my way passed him, I noticed his shoes were untied. Not wanting him to possible trip, I brought the untied laces to his attention and even offered to tie them for him.

To my surprise, he sternly turned around, facing me and said matter-of-factly "no! I want to trip, fall and break my neck and die!"

Whoa! I did not know what to say. Rarely am I speechless. I paused. Searched my thoughts. Wondered if there was anything I could possibly say to this stranger that would show my intentions. Reveal my sincere compassion and in reality, my understanding.

I have felt that exact way countless times. Difference is, he had the bravery to say what he was thinking and what he was feeling without caring what I felt or thought. As I made my way to my vehicle, I took a deep breath. I both admired his honesty and wished him well - in my mind.

Suffering is something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Reality though is, some of us have suffered in unthinkable ways. Ways that often have us hoping for means to be out of misery. And this does not mean we do not appreciate life. It mean that death seems to be the only relief.

From personal experiences, instinctively I knew not to tell that man how to or not to feel. What to or not to believe. That's the last thing a person who is obviously suffering wants to hear is someone else's opinion on how they should feel, be or think.

May he find peace - his way.

Currently in the process of organizing my daughters messy hair accessory drawer.

Meticulously arranging the hefty assortment of colorful barrettes, hair bands, hair ribbons, hair clips, hair headbands, hair scarfs, hair bobbles... All theses accessories were collected and accumulated enthusiastically since her infancy.

Unexpectedly jarring a memory - I vividly recall coupled with the indescribable grief, the longing to buy something "girlie". Remember, my husband and I lost a beautiful, healthy daughter (2000), who died suddenly in my arms while nursing at my breast - while dining in a restaurant with my then 3 year old son and husband.

All the girlie things in the stores during that time were like knives in my heart at each sight. And I can remember all the pink in the stores, the dolls, the dresses; the plethora of decorative girlie hair accessories and wishing I had reasons to purchase. Sigh! Time and love has been my comforter.

It's amazing what simple things can make you pause and reflect. Thankfully I'm finally in a good place. Took over a decade, but I'm still here. Wiser and stronger. I feel grateful. I feel privileged.

Though my 5 foot 9, solid & strong, twelve year old (size 11 men's shoe) is no "girlie girl" (like I predicted my deceased daughter would be). She has her own sense of style. Confidently and comfortably dresses like a boy (with a taste of a feminine touch in between). Loves plaid shirts. Though she plays/competes like a typical boy, she will lovingly caress and cuddle her dad, brother and I as if we are her most treasured stuffed toys. There is a softer, sensitive side.

Amongst other things rough and tough and dirty, she knits, crochets, looms, sews. and still plays with dolls. So, these hair accessories are put to good use from time to time. Though I admit, certain days she'll let me place a ribbon in her hair. Tween now, bigger n' taller than I, regardless, she's still my subsequent cherished baby.

Today I reflected on how grateful I was in my present self-confidence. I'll be 49 - October 15th. And it took a lifetime to be where I am now emotionally.

Not only is there power in knowledge. Power in love, kindness, compassion. There is limitless power in not caring what others think about you.

Now of course, I DO care about how I treat people. Quality character is everything to me. Though my intent is to do well by others, I remain very sensitive about how others treat me. Some may assume by how outwardly strong I look on the outside, truth is, I'm very fragile.

Reflecting today revealed to me, that I'm not as fragile as I use to be (before renal failure/stroke. Before losing a child. Before a host of other life catastrophes).

What I learned about myself, I don't care. I no longer have the disease to please (honestly I lost that poison when my child died in 2000).

But what I realized today, I am no longer concerned  if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not believe what they believe. Many assume, but no one really knows. And they probably never will. Am I ashamed? No. Do I feel it necessary to discuss my personal beliefs with others? No. Do I need to convert others to "my way of life/thinking"? No! Beliefs of mine are personal.

I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not parent or educate "my kids" the way they exercised their freedoms to chose. Many can be rather dogmatic about even this topic. I learned that years ago when I'd open up (in an insecure way) about my schooling choices. Or state rather or not my husband and I would vaccinate our kids. And it wasn't me going around spewing my decisions on others. Naively, if someone would ask, I'd answer - thinking we are both sharing "our choices" minus any judgement. Oh my goodness. Some people avoided or even stopped talking to me. I was so clueless.

I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not vote the way they vote. Truthfully, politically speaking... I am for peace, love and happiness for all. Live your life and respect my freedom(s) to live mine - harming none in the process. That's about the most I'll share. Why should anyone care what my politically philosophy is? If I'm not getting paid for the risk involved to share it, I chose to keep my mouth close and just listen.

There is a certain degree of freedom in freeing your body, mind and soul (self) in not caring. Not losing sleep or losing your health worrying about weather or not others will like/love you. I've observed in my lifetime lots of horrible people who manage to retain the like/love from others, despite how they treat people. Bizarre, but I'm done trying to decipher that code.

For those struggle with the same or similar emotional challenges, free yourself. Because when the time comes (lose a child or nearly lose your life or other), you'll look around. All those people, many with flawed lives or personalities of their own will be MIA (missing in action) during your hour of need. So love yourself. Love those worthy of your energy. Embrace the moment you are in with mindfulness. It's okay to be who you are. Work on those parts of yourself that need fixin. Those parts of yourself that need healin. And keep believin as you chose. Eventually you'll find the path best for you.

Weeks ago, I was unexpectedly hospitalized. Was reluctant to be transported via ambulance from dialysis unit (where emergency occurred). Instead, my husband took me straight to the ER immediately following treatment.

Emergency was, I was having chest discomforts (tightening, difficulty breathing) during dialysis. Pain persisted for duration with no ease.

Fear rose as I remembered what happened just a year ago around this time. Same thing. Chest discomforts (but worse then) while at dialysis. That time, unit nurses exercised typical protocol. 911 called. Later, emergency workers, ended up surrounding my dialysis chair examining me.

From there, I was rushed (sirens blaring) straight to the hospital, my husband (who is always present through treatments) followed behind. *Just imagine the horror I was thinking and feeling during this frantic journey. How was my husband (of over 20 years) was thinking and feeling...

There, in the ER, and eventually hospitalized for days, several test were administered only to discover I had an aortic aneurysm. Since then, the "new" condition has been routinely monitored by my cardiologist.

This time, I was quietly worried. "Had heart issue worsened to the point of impending emergency surgery or worse, I wondered".  Coupled with concerns of, "oh my! How much will all this cost? We can't afford even more medical bills at this time".  We are drowning in medical debt from hospitalizations, prescriptions, doctor visits ($60.00 per visit), etc. And I'm not on disability or anything else, meaning, we are barely surviving on one income.

These thoughts kept me from initially admitting the pain I was in or, letting the dialysis staff call 911. At that time, the debt was more of a concern to me than my life. Patiently, my dear husband sat there beside me. "It's okay honey. Don't worry about the cost. Your life is more important".

The more sensible I became, fortunately. My primary focus slowly became for my well being. And the void my possible absence would grieve my husband and kids; plus others who may feel genuine love & affection for me.

Well, this ER visit, like the previous resulted in several necessary (but expensive) test and evaluations ~blood test, CT/CAT scans, EKG's, Stress test, Ultrasound, plus an extra dialysis treatment (due to the fluids injected during test. So I ended up having three dialysis treatments back-to-back - That Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) etc. Few days, hospitalized. And thankfully, everything came back negative. Slowly, but surely closer to wellness now.

My twelve year old daughter is VERY active - daily. For sports, right now she competes in golf, volleyball, flag football, handball, dodge ball, basketball, hockey, boxing, badminton. In the recent past she has competed in: baseball (not softball), tennis. She wants to participate in: rugby, water polo, lacrosse, martial arts. She also exercises with me at the fitness facility we all attend. There she runs (outdoors too), bikes, stair climbs, circuit, yoga (at home too), swims and aqua aerobics.

An awesome chess player too, I think her fearlessness keeps her at a level of excellence competitively both athletically and academically. Charitable volunteerism is factored into the weekly regimen.

An avid bibliophile (much like her family), she also knits, crochets and quilts very well. Equally loves the past time of gardening and culinary. Oftentimes either myself or even other adults seek out her expertise in troubleshooting project jams or confusions.

Most importantly, she is of quality character, which my husband and I are proud. Advanced for her age and grade, she has no challenges when it comes to easily socializing, engaging or interacting with others regardless of difference in age, gender, culture or background.

When I'm asked, "how long will you home-school?", I wonder. It is obvious to those paying attention, I hope - academically, athletically, attitude there's no problem. What part of her well-being or character will a traditional school environment benefit? My husband and I home-schooled our son through intense grief through child loss. At this point, I quit my career as a self-employed hairstylist.

And now. We continue to home-school through my debilitating health challenge.  The biggest strain and stress is it's just the four of us. Whatever happens we pretty much have to endure challenges alone - aside from my dad, who has become more consistent and helpful. And the biggest challenge - which has been rapidly growing since 2000, the year I had to stop working (due to the symptoms of grief) and now, humongous medical bills - which can be very depressing, to say the least.

I think the largest burden to any health challenge is the financial toll it has on the family as a whole. Every small expense, is a huge one coupled with what already exist. With no way of collecting disability, even though, I'm considered "disabled", I remain clueless as to whom some sort of healthcare reform was actually for. Rather than rant about anything that can possibly turn political, I'll stick to my personal policy ~ to never freely discuss my political or religious philosophies.

Sitting here, in bed. Marveling at the things I "can do".

At the beginning stages of this renal condition, I had a dialysis catheter [google]. This was a temporary port through my chest area for which dialysis treatments could be done. During months or year with catheter, I was hospitalized with a serious infection. This is one of the risk of having a catheter which is why they are temporary (I suppose).

Limitations were I had to be careful not to get it wet. Which meant, no long, luxurious baths. And absolutely NO SWIMMING.

For the past year or so, I have the dialysis fistula [google]. Mine is in my left arm. Limitations with this are: no jewelry or anything slightly restricting on that arm, ever. No carrying even slightly heavy objects with that hand or arm, i.e, groceries or hand bags. No sleeping on that side of the body. No strenuous activity, even certain sports that can pose risk of injury to that arm. There is a plethora of other "no, no's", but what I can do is SWIM.

Recently watched, TransFatty Lives. A biographical documentary about Patrick Sean O'Brien's journey through ALS. Film captures his humor, observations, reflections etc. All lacking in self-pity or "why me's". Lately I've been challenged by some health discomforts of my own. But nothing compares to what he is bravely enduring. So true, there is always someone in worse circumstances.

Something Patrick said that will stick with me, especially during moments when I feel like I'm being defeated by this condition of Renal Disease. While confined motionless to a bed, he chronicled his annoyance with the bugs that occasionally made his body their home. In his condition, there wasn't much he could do, other than blink. Finally he realized, surrendering somehow released him from the pestering the bugs presented.

Imagine. Even measly bugs can be your teachers. When you are forced to "be still". Amazing things you'll soon discover in that stillness. The core of who you are will soon blossom as superficial, trivial things that sometimes consumes us all become bugs in our lives.

Personally I had discoveries immediately following the death of a child. And I have discoveries following near death of my own. When faced with the worst, profound lessons can be had. Situations due to lack of: resources, money, influence and so on.

At some point when you become physically or emotionally paralyzed to where you can't run. Can't shop. Can't indulge in any of those things or behaviors you may have used to block out the realities around or within. Reality is, when life happens, you will have no choice but to stop. Soon you'll become enlightened. Become conscious. You'll see. You'll feel. You'll discover all senses and somewhat feel like, how I frequently described after losing a daughter, you'll feel like a superhero. Totally in-tuned to, totally unmoved by the world. Stoic.

Soon you'll attract that which is for your good and repel that which is not. People, places, things, ideas and beliefs suddenly become transparent. You have been gifted a new set of superpowers, as I described it a decade or so ago.

"Transfatty Lives is must see film. I was in tears but not drowning in sorrow. While in my own temporary vulnerability, I was glued to the screen. Transfixed (and transformed) on Patrick Sean O'Brien's courage and grace in the midst of his ordeal was inspiring. A teachable depiction about how to maintain a sense of SELF despite obstacles being faced.

Daily, I do my best. I know if anything, my twelve year old is watching. Absorbing. She's learning about how to cope, how to comfort, how to have compassion by seeing her "pillar of strength", her mom, conquer and overcome. My son witnessed my torturous grief through child loss. My daughter is witnessing this new battle our whole family is facing - together.

I'd hope that I could be an inspiration to others in some in some form. In some way, I have my own documentary happening right here. Right now. Times when I find myself whimpering in a fetal position, helpless. Unknowing how or if I'll survive the limitations that this condition has bestowed upon me. I quickly regain more logic and reasoning. Remembering where I was back in 2014 and where I am now. There still is much for me to be grateful. I'm still privileged my mind, my sanity. Most importantly, my family, my friends. And the battle is holding on to those fortunes maintained while in the midst of any tribulations. Stay optimistic. Stay thankful. Keep pushing through life mindfully. Embrace all moments. In the storm, the sun will eventually come up. Hold on. Wait, patiently. Surrender to those things, "the bugs" which are impossible to fight.

Discovered today, during early morning dialysis treatments that the unit finally has cable television! Not that I spend much time viewing the TV screen while I'm there for the three hours, three days per week sessions. But some days, like this morning, I wouldn't mind falling off to sleep while viewing a good screening to an old movie on AMC.

Old movies are me and my daughters favorite past times. When time permits, we enjoy cuddling up to a quality classic and marvel at the decor, the fashions, the era, the dialogue, the interaction. I love listening to her twelve year old interpretation of what is being viewed. Lovingly we knit/crochet during, all while capturing a special moment that is exclusively ours.

My swimming adventures...

Have been utterly amazing. I mean, why have I avoided the pool all these years? especially when I was fit and fine.  I mean, the time I wasted with feelings of insecurity when I was physically at my peek in terms of fitness, health and beauty. Why wasn't I alert and aware, self-confident in this world -- living and exploring and creating and experiencing... why? why? why? I ask my old self.

Here I say, now is now. Then is then. What I have right now, is this moment. And if I could be doing in the midst of THIS very moment is... swimming.

Oh how I LOVE being in the pool. I feel so much freedom and all is okay with the world. Even in a public pool (which use to gross me out too much to even considering putting my toe in the water), in a spiritual way (for lack of a better description), it's like I'm one with the world. I'm connected.

Now, like I've written in a previous blog entry, I get in the water on Tuesday's and Thursday's. Due to dialysis treatments at 4:45 am every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I can't get into the water due to the bandages on my fistula (which has to stay on for several hours [9 pm] least blood will be everywhere).  And due to the extra exhaustion I feel following treatments. Typically, I try to rest (and sleep) on dialysis days. Yeah, my active life keeps me out and about - on the go. I home school my twelve year old daughter and she's quite active physically & socially. I mean, if she actually was "home" schooled, we can just totally stay indoors and get all the rest imagined.

I guess you can say, she's life-schooled. Or world-schooled. Enough with semantics, and back to swimming. I go to the gym. My daughter and I bike (she reads during) and do the circuit (usually together). Typically she carries on with her youth activities independently and I get in the pool.

Now, I'm no swimmer by definition. As a former fitness instructor, I have maintained some knowledge of overall fitness and body mechanics.

I've read several books on swimming. And just like reading books on giving birth, when you are in the situation, all knowledge escapes into I don't know where.

But apparently someone has been observing and possibly maybe even admiring my efforts. Seems like, at least to me, I visually progress each time I'm in the water. Someone anonymously gifted me swim lessons. Honestly, I've never considered lessons for myself. My kids have had lessons though.

I'm naturally inquisitive. Ask lots of questions. Smart ones, I hope. Talking to people, or even strangers no longer frightens me. When I was a kid, I was painfully shy. But now, seems like I'm making up for it. I digress.

I observe skilled swimmers and try to emulate what they are doing. Also, life guards discreetly give me pointers here and there. I keep trying. I push. And each time, I get better and better.

Seems like I'm rambling. Which is something I tend to do when I get excited.

When learning about the breathing. It's the most confusing thing ever. But I'm finally getting the hang of it. You blow out under water. And during your active swim, you must kick your legs a certain way. Move your arms a certain way. But keep blowing. Turn your head. And rather than blow out like I use to, you breath in (in prep to blow out under water again). I don't know why I was blowing bubbles underwater, then coming up during attempts at breast stroke, still blowing - only to wonder why water was getting in my nose and mouth. Yuck!

Me, "What?!"
"Breath in when you turn your head?" and,
"blow out when you are under water".
Me, "ooh".

So, I'm approaching my final lesson for this session soon. I've met some really nice fellow non (want to be) swimmers. Who would have thought. There are others. {smile} -- which made the experience much more fun and exciting. When you are learning (or when I am) with others, you push yourself even more. You listen a little closer. You try a little bit harder.

I've managed to improve my breaststroke a bit. Couldn't do it at all last week. But improved today - which makes me feel fantastic. Soon I'll be zipping up and down the pool like those other more advanced swimmers. I want to swim for pleasure and conditioning. If little babies and other small kids can just dive in, dip and go under, shouldn't I be fearless enough to do the same?

Recently had my usual dental check up - X-Rays and cleaning. To my dismay, several alerts were an issue in my meticulously maintained mouth.

Two broken teeth, a cavity, an infection (need a root canal in a front tooth), and gook build up on my tongue (haven't been able to thoroughly brush my tongue since stroke. I immediately vomit whenever I go back too far with toothbrush or tongue scraper). Sigh.

I could not believe the words that were coming out of the mouth of the hygienist, then the dentist. Lying on the inclined patient chair, instantly my stomach began to knot up. Body warmed up in the air conditioned room. I felt flush. In an eye blink, my world was changing against my control or power - again. One more thing to make peace with. Dental problems.

I see patients at dialysis with loosening or missing teeth all the time. And this, along with that horrific looking  "fistula"  (see dialysis fistula photos online) terrifies me. I actually have had nightmares about losing my teeth!

Now, some might think. "It's only teeth". But you must understand, we are all obsessive about something or another. And for me, it's my oral health is at the top of "my" list.

My mother has had dentures as long as I've been alive. And memories of her boldly removing them and placing them on the table during meals still haunts me. As it is, I don't want to be anything like her.

And my dad, he has beautiful, healthy, well maintained teeth. He even had braces when he was in his fifties (or something close), even though his teeth looked perfect without them.

I'm accustomed to having the hygienist, the dentist compliment me on the health of my teeth. How well they are being cared for between treatments and so on. For me, this is like a kid who gets a star on their paper from the teacher. And  yeah, a big part is the superficial, the looks. But damn, must I fall apart from head to toe? I already lost my hair with this awful disease.

And to receive such news after all the maintenance, I can't help but feel some kind of way.

I left the dental office feeling deflated. As if the world were coming to an end. From there, my daughter and I went to our Crafting/Knitting Circle. There I enjoyed socializing with the ladies (and a few kids), which was a healthier distraction, I must add. Yet, I didn't knit or crochet a stitch. Was kinda weak physically from the mornings dialysis treatment. And emotionally drained from worrying about all that's going on orally.

And to make matters worst, the cost. Drowning in bills now. Not from owning anything. Simply from paying the consequences of having a disease that's never-ending. This is a life long condition. Sigh.

On a brighter note: Later on that day, I talked to my calm and collected husband. He comforted me in his way. Tall, dark & handsome. My prince charming. He said, "honey, just be glad you don't need a crown". Looking up from my dark, gloomy, melancholy fetal position, "what is a crown and the procedure for one?", I feebly asked. Shoulders erect and cadence matter-of-fact, he went on to tell me the gory details... From then on, I've been quiet, more resolute about my oral issue.

With intentions of unshakable grace, I'll go with the flow and accept my fate. The knowing that I've done my best, but my best was not good enough - when faced with renal disease. This is my reality. Right now, as I type, I have a mouth full of natural teeth. I embrace this moment and work towards the wisdom to embrace every moment I'm in. I've survived so much before. I'll survive during. I'll survive after. My kids are watching... Eventually, from that fetal, woe is me position, I rose like a Phoenix... I think, I hope.

I'm currently doing fairly well, thankfully. Month of July started off with a bang - colorfully sparked by joyous moments that made my heart radiate; smile constantly.

Well, you know I visit the gym at least three or more times per week. Tuesday's and Thursday's (M/W/F are dialysis dialysis days). My usual routine (aside from a mile run when stamina permits). I bike (30) minutes, do a circuit (1-3x's), then I swim (self teaching from library books, videos and observing skilled swimmers).

One Friday, out-of-the-blue I get a call from my family gym. My daughter spends a great deal of time there for exercise and youth activities, so I assumed it was something related to her. To my surprise, some kind stranger (I assume), who wants to remain anonymous, gifted me a swim session (which last for 5-6 weeks). Thrilled doesn't even describe my euphoria. I was so elated I couldn't sleep, as I enthusiastically accepted the next adult class - which started the very next day.

So now, not only have I been swimming on Tuesday's and Thursday's, but I've added Saturday to my weekly swimming routine (which I'll write more on in a separate blog entry).

My daughter (who is home schooled) accompanies me not only to the gym (she exercises and participates in an array of activities geared for the youth), but also my weekly crafting/knitting circles (she's a very skilled in crochet, knitting; and sews too).

She and I were invited to participate in a weekly quilting group. There, ladies of all ages and backgrounds get together and design (from scratch) quilts for battered women's shelters. There we are taught by the best and have learned so much in just a small amount of time ~ while having a blast.

The greatest thing is, we are doing something positive and potentially comforting for those who are suffering through challenging times in their lives. Another gift to my daughter (age twelve) and I is, we are meeting and interacting with some amazing people - which is truly a privilege.

My daughter continues to mature and thrive and blossom. I'm so honored to be her mother. Each day is an adventure - sometimes too stressful for me to endure, but I'm thankful to be able to be present and experience with her and facilitate memorable times to someday fondly reflect upon with QUALITY people, places, things and ideas. Good thing is, she's self-confident. Socially intelligent and aware. Can interact with anyone on any level, at any time. No problem.

Daily she's involved with a plethora of social opportunities (included with numerous team sports) with her peers and kids/people of all ages and backgrounds. She's having real world opportunities and we will continue on this beautiful & beneficial path, that works for us. She's happy. She's healthy.

Another great thing happening this month is, one of my doctors returned from maternity leave. I genuinely adore her. Missed her so much and seeing her face, hearing her voice weekly - during dialysis treatments tends to brighten up my day.

I'm privileged some amazing doctors where I receive top notch, quality care. Though the medical and prescription bills are rapidly destroying/devastating us financially, I hold on to the fact that at least I'm being professionally cared for by the best. I'm staying active.  Living my life peacefully and productively. My monthly labs, my health are consistently good, for the most part. When they are not, I try to maintain the spirit of - doing whatever is necessary, staying enlightened. And, "adapting like water".

i LOVE love
showing/receiving...
LOVE and its power
healing

Recently stumbled upon thoughtful letters sent to me over the years following my daughters death. Included with these letters are notes of well wishes during my medical challenges. Accompanied are random "thinking of you" letters as well. While browsing through some, I thought of the power of kindness and how much priceless gestures can facilitate healing. After so many years, comfort is still found even after I learned how to live again.

I keep every note someone leaves me. Even ones left on my vehicle - "Sage, I saw your car parked here and thought I'd drop you a note". I often think of others and I love being (and knowing) I'm thought of. Wow, am I sentimental or what. It's like, "express how you feel about me while I'm still breathing". Roses now please.

"I think every time a dialysis patient arrives to their treatment (after two day period) weighing in appropriately, confetti and balloons should instantly drop over their individual chair -- especially on days when monthly lab report is excellent. Maintaining a rigorous and disciplined dietary routine can be a chore. Achieving success is celebration worthy." ~Sage

I'm not always my best self during/after some of my kids sports competitions. Of course, I expect more from them than I do from their teammates, considering. I'm fully aware of their capabilities --their strengths; their weaknesses, at least I'd like to think so, as their mother.

Oftentimes I push them lovingly ~ academically and athletically (and, in attitude). I desire them to do their very best and fairly earn whatever opportunity awaits an individual who has an impressive work ethic and personal discipline.

My husband and I provide the tools and resources necessary to make life's accomplishments easier to achieve. I mean, why make things harder when life may automatically create hardships naturally.

My eldest (my son) had his share of mommy when she's not at her best. Though athletically (and academically) gifted, rarely did I witness him a peak performance in some of the various sports he was privileged.

Routinely I/we would train him (when it was a sport we were knowledgeable) or hire a private coach. I'd borrow library books and DVD's on whatever sport he was currently participating. We'd encourage him watch instructional videos on YouTube. I'd make sure he'd stay fit with frequent runs and swims and yoga. Was mindful of what he consumed nutritionally.

Being a former aerobics and fitness instructor,  it was often apparent to me what type of routine would benefit and be useful in terms of conditioning in order to excel in a particular sport.

Back then, regretfully, I didn't control my tongue and offer much more encouragement and less ridicule. I had so many fears for his well being and peer acceptance which probably was the source of how I expressed.

To me during that time, the way you compete athletically is an indicator of how you navigate through life. Being repeatedly bullied as a kid myself, I felt it crucial to teach people how to treat you through your performance on the court, in the field or otherwise.

Gradually I learned (and accepted), my son is a very laid back person. Though athletically-abled, his competitive side shines more academically.

Truth is, kids can be mean. And looking back, I realize, mommy's can be too. Bottom line, there is a source to every emotion. Character improves once we become conscious of our own imperfections.

Luckily, my very athletically inclined, no-nonsense daughter is seeing me more at my best. But still, her recent sports competititions have proven, I'm still a work in progress.

Muscle cramps. Intense. Painful.

About four times this month towards the latter part of my dialysis treatments, I've been stricken with awful muscle cramps. Many of the dialysis patients have had them, so when someone is in their form of expressed agony, no one else present that day stares or ask questions. Yeah, the technicians and nurses do their best to offer much needed pain relief from the intensity of the cramping episode by returning some of the fluid that was removed for that days treatment.

Muscle cramps usually occur when too much fluid has been removed (when I weigh in "heavy" before treatments, it is assumed that I overindulged in the forbidden liquid restraint. Too much liquid could mean -- no more blogging from Sage, forever as I risk the eternal realm of seizing to exist).

When these  twisting, muscle bending cramps happen, patient is expected to remain inclined in dialysis chair. Usually the patient is still hooked to the dialysis machine through two, big, long, painful needles on one arm (or in the chest if patient has temporary dialysis catheter - which I had for a year or so), plus a blood pressure monitor on the other arm - as cuff is kept on during entire dialysis treatment to frequently monitor  pressure rise or fall, which can pose a set of other risk in need of immediate attention.

I've had several experiences with these muscle cramps while on dialysis. And each time they are unlike the other, and nothing like your normal muscle cramps where you can still talk easily or sensibly or even coherently.

I talk, no, I scream. Not being a religious person at all, other than the enjoyment of the study of world religions & cultures & philosophies & anything new that I find interesting or enlightening -- for lack of personal ignorance and added intelligence in knowing that there is a plethora of beliefs, ideas on this planet. Everyone does not think or belief or exist like me, and that's okay. Nor does anyone possess a monopoly on what's right/wrong. Or who's good/bad. We all have our own ideas and philosophies, and thankfully most of us are privileged the freedoms to choose what's best for us and our families. Me, I respect and accept and appreciate/celebrate everyone for who they are as individuals. There's no group think necessary for my friendship. I have no desire to change anyone into mini-Sage's. There already is one, me. Honestly, I avoid this topic and have already digressed...

...but, in that moment of shear pain, I call on all the ~ gods (& goddesses). "Oh please help me [insert deity of choice here]. Eventually, and thankfully a trained technician comes to my rescue and begins instructing me to sit down as they proceed to return fluids. Later, my husband (who may have been napping in the car) comes in. Witnessing all the blankets and forms of removable clothing, personal entertainment (my yarn, needles, hooks, books, etc), thrown to the side or sometimes, on the floor. With me defiantly standing or leaning (on tech) as I scream and moan and cry out. Totally vulnerable. Unconcerned what others may think as I become suddenly and unexpectedly crippled in expressed, fearless pain. Reliant on others for my relief for whom I express sincere appreciation, gratitude towards once the dust settles.

There is this elderly patient who sits across from me during early morning dialysis. Less than a small amount of feet - he is facing me. Unfortunately he frequently has a cough. And... he refuses to politely cover his mouth. Arrgh!

During his phlegm-filled, open-mouthed coughs, "slightly OCD, germaphobe" me can visualize the grotesque, monsterish, distorted creatures floating towards me at an accelerated speed. Entering, invading my every opening.  Potentially contagious germs racing towards (me, who is already suffering in some way like the other present patients) like an undisciplined military troop.

Various shades of greens, browns, golds... huge globs of non-discriminating germs aiming right at my potentially compromised immune system and, I'm stuck -- in an inclined dialysis chair for the next three plus hours. I can't run. I can't hide. Can't duck or dodge for protective cover.

Once an adjacent patient was standing preparing for his treatment shouted, "cover your mouth" and gave the germ-spreader a crossed look. Immediately my ears and eyes perked noisily. There, observant and curious I lay, looking and wondering, what would the response be. Glad it wasn't me saying what I wanted someone else to be bold enough to say. Will the "frequent cougher" start using some form of etiquette most of us adults have been taught at some point in our lifetime. Or, will he ignore, thus carry on with this disgusting habit of his - selfishly infecting us all. Is he married, have children I wondered. Someone in his love circle has to have had brought this habitual occurrence to his attention.

Is the cougher even noticing those of us with hopeful faces (like mine) wishing he'd cover his mouth or the at least ask the staff to give him a medical covering for his mouth and nose.

Staff just roam around working like worker bees as if this repetitive coughing is not happening. I try my hardest not to complain and the few times that I do, it's something worthy of addressing - i.e. like blood left on my chair from previous patient.

Recently I had a sore throat while on dialysis. I was miserable the whole three plus hours. I desperately wanted to be disconnected and permitted to go home and rest. But prematurely ending an incomplete dialysis session is out of the question. This can also pose negatively on my transplant privileges as a non-compliant patient - which I am not.

Sigh! Somehow I'll survive this minor annoyance. Things can be quiet worse and I'm very thankful they are not. In the meantime, "I will wear the medical mask to protect myself from his and others germs". I'm growing more and more anxious to be a privileged a healthy kidney. Patience is a virtue. Complications of kidney disease and the stroke has helped cure some of my OCD, germaphobe tendencies. There is little energy or memory to worry about unimportant happenings around me that I can't control. I've gradually learned to ease up on my compulsions to fix or create a certain atmosphere for myself and my family. Adjusting and "adapting like water" as Bruce Lee would say has become my reality.

RIP Prince!

Stunned...

Recently participated in my first aqua aerobics class. Being a former aerobics instructor (in my late teens to late twenties), seeing people exercise while in water was tempting. I finally joined in and I had a blast - shaking my booty under water. I was doing all sorts of silly things in that water. Totally self-entertained knowing no one can see my body jiggling all over the place, the water camouflaging my every move. At least it seems that way. One can never know...

Yeah, I've been getting in the pool at least three days per week for months. I bike for 30 minutes - being able to watch TV or use my phone at the same time is amazing. Stretch, then I go around the circuit once or twice - depending on if I'm pressed for time or too fatigued. Do abs on the cushioned blue mats for about 15 minutes. Shower, then happily get into the pool - "pretend" swimming.

I'm able to go under water and maneuver myself from one point to the other. I feel I'm benefiting from just being in the water and moving. I'm sure a "real" swimmer can see I don't know what I'm doing, but this will be until I can afford adult swimming lessons. I've been told from the stern, but helpful lifeguard who taught my son how to swim (frustrated after paying for lessons and he stay at the same level for months, I had him get in and swim laps without instruction) that I need to blow bubbles while under water. "WHAT? Blow at the same time?! Too hard for me. And I'm sure it was too hard for my son. *I've since apologized to him for my lack of understanding.

I met this older woman blowing bubbles in the water while holding on to the edge of the pool. Of course we starting chatting and it turns out, she's almost 70! and enrolled in the adult swimming lessons. That totally inspired me to hurry to those lessons soon.

Once I pry myself from the enjoyment of the pool (I've come to love the water), I get in the Jacuzzi, then the steam, sauna and finally, shower again.

See, being able to be in water is a privilege now more so than ever. Before I had my fistula (research dialysis fistula) and I had the temporary catheter in my chest (research dialysis catheter), I couldn't even shower. Had to bathe, carefully. All because the catheter couldn't get wet. And I had the catheter for a little over one year, I think.

So some day being able to drink all the water I want (once I get my kidney transplant), but in the meantime, appreciate being able to be in water is a complete joy.

One thing I was thinking and feeling recently was, deep regret for not getting in the pool with my kids when they were babies. I now observe fun-looking "Mommy & Me" classes in the pool. Babies as young as six months giggling in the pool as their moms play with them in the water. Pure fun I allowed myself to miss out on. But, once I'm fortune grand-babies (a long time from now), I hope to be able explore the water with them. And be able to swim myself by then.

I'm sure every conscious parent have regrets at some point in their parenting. I know for sure, if I didn't have the privilege to experience the motherly intimacy and joy in nursing all three of my kids, I may have regretted not doing so later on. I'm just glad I was healthy enough and had the resources, the knowledge during and after my pregnancies.

Sometimes I regret not adding certain things to my Sage's Curriculum during my son's formative years. But then again, he started college at fourteen (because he was mentally & physically prepared) and is continuing to excel as a physics major.

Each child is different, so of course, parenting each one will be different. However I love them all the same, equally. I'm learning and evolving right alongside them. I'll stop here before I digress, get too far off with this blog.

My daily/weekly fitness regimen:

Dialysis days (3 hours each day - starting at 4:45 AM - M/W/F) - usually my husband and I take a brisk walk soon after. If by chance I'm too fatigued that morning, I'll walk later in the day.

Off Days (non dialysis days), I go to my local place for fitness. Occasionally my daughter and I will walk the mile or so there. If not, we'll ride the stationary bikes for 30 minutes. She typically does that plus does the stair climber (elliptical machine) for another 30 minutes.

From there, we do the circuit (once to three times around). Side-by-side, she and I will complete 100 sit-ups. Then stretch for another fifteen minutes. On occasion, we'll play basketball.

Next, if she doesn't have an organized youth activity, we swim (or I'll swim alone). We spend about a half hour to an hour in the pool (self-teaching how to swim properly until we can afford classes). I then get in a nearby Jacuzzi. Followed by steam, sauna: showers.

Throughout each day, I typically crave tall glasses of iced water (which is not a wise luxury for me). Also I love to test random water fountains - especially at my fitness facility or local libraries -- where the water is usually clean, cold and forceful. This is another unwise habit I need to break due to the inability to adequately measure liquids being consumed.

Goal is, I want to be in ultimate physical and mental condition once I'm privileged a quality kidney. I can imagine the first few things I'm do once I'm able: drink lots of water. Maybe train to run a marathon. Being a former, extremely fit aerobics/fitness instructor, this feat is not impossible.

Had an amazing experience recently during a family outing. Was conversing with a vivacious elder woman, and my being on dialysis came up in the conversation. Her  husband has Alzheimer's and she's his primary caretaker. She openly shared her journey through that and I mentioned how my husband (who was present) is compassionately caring for me during the disease I'm enduring - renal failure/dialysis.

Meanwhile, this other woman overheard us and chimed in, and fortunately she did. Turns out, she's on her second kidney transplant and experienced dialysis (peritoneal). She was young, in her thirties. Beautiful. Vibrant. Sweet. Instantly, I loved her. This stranger, perhaps I'll never see again ~ yet she enriched my day, my life. That what may seem, rude intrusion, was the best.

I told her about just in the previous week, I overheard someone mentioning dialysis and I resisted chiming in on their personal conversation. Now I wished I  did. I'll see them again and maybe then, I can share. See, when you are going through something like this, something where there is life or death, it gives you hope knowing you're not alone.

The  young transplant recipient I met made my day (which was already great), it became even brighter as she shared "her story". I was amazed. Looking at a HEALTHY-looking person. She wasn't bloated from the medication (I dread) you have to take for life after transplant. She didn't look frail or fatigued. I was so happy to meet her. As it is, there is only a few dialysis patients that I see or encounter that I can relate. Those that are reasonably vibrant, somewhat fit, active, youthful, optimistic, cheery... This motivates me even more to be of hope or encouragement or of "health & happiness" to someone who may be silently observing "me".

Kidney's Function:

• Remove waste/drugs from the body
• Balance the body's fluids
• Release hormones that regulate blood pressure
• Produce an active form of Vitamin D - that promotes healthy, strong bone
• Control the production of red blood cells

Daily I look forward to the overall health and strength a donor kidney may provide. I stay ready by keeping my mind and body fit -- through healthy thinking/beliefs and healthy lifestyle. Maintaining pure optimism even in the midst of my most difficult days with this disease. 

During this Kidney Awareness Month, learn what you can do to prevent this disease. And, learn what you can do to help those enduring complications of the disease. 

...just learned, March is World Kidney Month. Do an Internet search for more information. Get, be informed. It is my goal.

Challenging morning  at dialysis. The needle insertion (cannulation) was extra painful and the pain continued for the duration of my treatment (three hours). All the usual fun activities I brought along with me for entertainment became unenjoyable and ultimately, pointless.

My husband got the attention of a nearby technician. The tech checked my machine and determined that I had a good needle insertion and a good flow (whatever that means). The pain was overlooked, it seems. I then asked for an ice pack. He inquired (he's new to this unit, I think. And has decades of experience and has demonstrated competence in his profession, so I was/felt in good hands) with other staff, then comforted me with what I requested.

With nothing to do but complain about my discomfort, (as I pat my fistula arm trying to relieve some of the burning sensation), I closed my eyes and surprisingly, slept through most of the agony.

I sit here now at our local library - I love this place. Here is where I feel...free and fulfilled. My daughter (age eleven) is here with me --utilizing a library computer nearby completing her academics.

I'm sure it is obvious I'm not {feeling}100%. Dear daughter is assisting me greatly in walking, gathering & preparing my activities (laptop, yarn, lip balm, blanket). Staff here have known my family and I for decades. My kids were raised in these libraries ~ all are like a second, third... home.

I'm kinda stumbling around. Requesting people come to me as I'm too fatigued (probably due to this morning dialysis) to walk around. I forget basic things often, so here, I feel safe asking for help with the simplest thing. Example: how to connect to WI FI. My husband has told me numerous times, and I have remembered half of those times. And today, I needed help with the same question.

On top of a painful treatment this morning, also I received my monthly lab results. Blah!

About 98% of my the time, since I've been on dialysis, I've done exceptionally well. Dutiful in adhering to requirements. But now that my appetite is increasing and my love of big glasses of iced water, I have been poorly self-managing and failing miserably, in my opinion on this damn Renal Diet. "I want [need] bananas, potatoes, tomatoes, avocados, oranges, nuts, beans...and a Pepsi every now and then!"

This month, my phoshorus  was high (6.0). It's suppose to fall between 3.5-5.5. High phoshorus causes bone disease, itching, deposits in joints/blood vessels/skin. I need to take a binder with meals and snack. Avoid high phosphrous foods (milk, cheese, dairy, dried beans, nuts, chocolate and colas).

And my PTH was 823.0. Again, it too was high. It's suppose to fall between 150-650. High parathyroid hormone (PTH) puts me at risk for bone disease. Oral or IV Vitamin D may be given during dialysis to lower my PTH levels. I can keep my phoshorus controlled by taking binders and avoiding high phosphorus foods.

My calcium  was low, 7.9. Normal range is between  8.4-10.2. I need to talk to my dietitian or physician about ways to increase my calcium level.

Thankfully, my albumin, potassium, hemoglobin, URR (Urea Reduction Ratio), Kt/V (dialysis adequacy) were all normal.

Meeting the standards required in order to properly maintain optimal health is an arduous journey. Each day I struggle through some sort of obstacle, yet each day, I manage to successfully survive.

All of this is a matter of discipline and knowledge. Doing the work physically and mentally to come out on top. As it is, there is very few people in terms of fellow patients to look to for inspiration. From what I observe each Monday, Wednesday, Friday morning, we all are struggling. And some look worse than others.

All my life, I have rarely shown pain or weakness. Have tried not to reveal too much personal vulnerabilities in the presence of possible predatory types. But THIS disease and the death of my daughter have caused me to reveal even more of my humanness. Yet at this age, I've surrounded myself with quality people so I won't need/want to "mask" too much.

I know my kids are learning how to endure through "my" endurance and stamina and resilience. Out of a magnitude of lessons, they are learning to choose their friendships/relationships wisely. For you will see who is who in your darkest hour.

They are learning to maintain their health - through nutrition and fitness. They witness me go to the gym and push through flexible limitations. They witness me take up and on good distractions such as crochet/knit/blog, etc.

Whenever I feel like giving up I remind myself, "they" are watching and learning - from me. Who knows who else have observed something in me and gained inspiration from what they know of my journey. Who knows which dialysis patient (or staff) may be watching, observing and learning from me. After all, I can't be the only People Watcher.

Socialized with a fellow dialysis patients attentive wife. She, like my husband, patiently sits through her spouse's full treatments.

Soon as I entered unit, I immediately noticed her sitting in her chair (brought from home, like my husband brings his) next to her husband. There she was knitting a basic, but gorgeous yellow scarf.

After weighing myself (dry weight), considering my usual earlier, punctual arrival time, I went over and chatted.

Cast on 35 stitches. Basic seed stitch pattern, back and forth. I shared with her the project I brought to work on. Which was something easy too. A basic knit black scarf using Homespun yarn.

Asked her if she attended local yarn socials, shared with her the ones I frequent weekly or monthly. Unaware but curious, she was. I went on to discuss they are free and fun gatherings where knitters/crocheters of all levels randomly sit around and laugh and share and joke, and knit/crochet whatever projects they choose to work on. Some people show up to learn. And when they do, someone in the group will freely share their knowledge.

Once I saw her openness to what I was sharing, I told her about the coupons I get for certain craft stores which also carry yarn and needles. Delighted and surprised, she was happy I shared, yet expressed her inability to participate in such activities.

With her understandable and admirable commitments towards her husbands care, there is no free time for such gatherings. Instantly I was reminded of what life is really like for my husband and I. Not much time or energy for extra things. People share with me certain events and I sometimes feel overwhelmed just hearing about what they are talking about.

Like I've mentioned in previous blogs. Hands are most beneficial when they are helping. Easing the load of the caregiver, at some point can be of tremendous help. I feel for my husband every minute of every day since my illness (February 2014). He does so much and complain so, never.

I try my best to do what I can when I can. For example, he reminds me to rest when I can, which is oftentimes hard, but what I'm doing now. Times when I fell to get enough rest, I stumble in thought, stumble in speech or in my movements, eventually the stumble worsens -- collapsing or falling. This can make things harder and more stressful for him. So typical busy-body, superhero(ion) me, I've learned to take it easy. And welcome any extra helping hands when they avail themselves.

Helping hands ~

It could be the littlest thing. Pick up something from the grocery store. Help prepare a meal. Sit with a dialysis patient for a couple of hours. Run an errand. Help with a household chore. Et cetera.

Right then, I wished I could sit next to her and knit. Talk, laugh, share and joke with her. But, I had to cut my chatting short. Hurry and get to my chair. Prepare. Be ready for "my" treatment for the day.

Jammin to the "beats" and the "rhythms" of old school rapper, Ice Cube songs while hooked up to early morning dialysis machine.

Wearing my blue, typical, heart-shaped shades. Mane, afroed. Usual big hooped ear rings. Zoning out  -- Sipping on a tiny cup of hot coffee while savoring nibbles on a few sweet doughnut holes.

Though warmly dressed, still freezing. Blue, soft, u-shaped pillow comfortably tucked underneath my chin (preferably not behind my head), securely bundled in a large, fleece blanket...  nerdly bobbing  & groovin to the beats while people watching and smiling lovingly at my nearby husband.

Listening to full albums on my Spotify app. Totally wired, alert physically from the caffeinated coffee and the strong, addictive beats from selected old school rap (yeah, I listen to rap, old school preferably).

Restless but tired, yet not exhausted.  Doing the typical observing of my environment - all my fellow patients (and staff), in this case. Many asleep at this early hour. Staff, hurrying from patient to patient. Machine to machine. Computer to computer. Usually activity but a little busier due to some staff being on vacation, I assume.

Patient directly in front and facing me unknowingly provoked my hunger -- due to her aggressive and loud smacking and munching and crunching on ice and something sort of bread-looking food. Thus, my doughnuts :)

RIP Big Ang (Reality TV star). I just blogged about her days ago...

The only time guaranteed, is the minute you are currently in - now.The "now" is really all you have and I ask, "how are you spending your 'now'?".

I tell my kids all the time, "it's not what you say, it's what you do". Everyone who loved me, I knew it for a fact, especially when my child died. And when I almost died. I knew from not only their words, but mostly from their action(s).

If you are currently thinking about a loved one  (family/friend or acquaintance) whom you haven't spoken to in a while, take the initiative to call/text/snail mail/visit them today. At least say, "I'm thinking about you". Fluffy paragraphs or loquaciousness are unnecessary.

I know how special I personally feel when it is made known that I'm positively thought of -- that's the best  good energy to know and "feel". I'm the type of person who will tell you and show you your're appreciated. So quite naturally, "I" need to be told/shown in order to confirm any amount of truth and sincerity. I want my flowers today, now. When I'm dead, it's over. Lights are out. Too late! There will be no tomfoolery. No slobbering or lamenting or grieving over my limp & lifeless corpse or cremated ashes. For I will then seize to exist - somewhere mysteriously into the unknown.

Hopefully Big Ang left this world knowing and "feeling" that she was loved.

Currently watching Dr. Oz show (while sucking on ice cubes as I try to relieve my thirst).  Reality star, Big Ang (Angela Raiola) is discussing her health crisis with cancer. Terrifying to us all, for sure. Truly it takes a great deal of courage to be so vulnerable, so honest especially publicly. However I do feel her openness is helping others get through whatever hardship they are facing. Or, help those only dealing with trivial (fixable) experiences, they can begin to deeply reflect. Realizing just how fortunate they may be.

Thankfully she has her friends. Her family. This is the magical, miraculous combo that makes breathing through unimaginable, unthinkable adversity much more endurable. If only people who love us really knew the healing/helping powers their unconditional love/loyalty, support, generosity, unselfishness... has on the well being of the suffering. See, if only we can get that combo in a bottle to give as curing, life saving; magical, miraculous medicine to the entire world.

Sincere compassion goes out to Big Ang and her loved ones. I've only watched Mob Wives a few times, but she seems like a genuinely lovely person, which proves, hardships don't discriminate. Anything can happen to anyone at anytime. Best to practice the art of authentic kindness and humility and sincerity because one can/will never know if they'll  need that  life saving "combo medicine". Safe to be/stay worthy when needed/wanted. Life happens...

home. resting. trying to relax. reluctant to exercise, work up a sweat, need to quench thirst. surfing from channel to channel. mindlessly watching TV. no energy to do much else. not even read or color, crochet/knit. thankful to be able to blog from bed - finally, Internet access. nibbling on easily accessible snack foods i shouldn't: oranges, avocados, tomatoes, hummus, nuts... damn renal diet! also, i'm so thirsty. want a humongous glass of iced water. it's early afternoon. day is still young. have more medication to take later. i have to watch my fluid intake. remain close to my dry weight. dialysis day tomorrow. feeling anxious. avoiding going to the cooler and gulping down water defiantly. very hard. discipline. determination. imagine that - consuming too much liquids can ultimately kill me. beverage commercials with ice cubes are the worst, right now. so, so thirsty. sigh.

Shows I routinely watch and enjoy (thanks to DVR) - not in any particular order

Blacklist
Law & Order: SUV
Criminal Minds
Law & Order: Criminal Intent
Chicago Fire
Unsung
Chicago P.D.
Shades of Blue
Autopsy: The Last hours of...
American Masters
Quilting Arts
Gangsters: America's Most Evil
Million Dollar American Princesses
...:Fame and Scandal
...:Scandal and Legacy
Taboo
Biography
Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown
NOVA
SoCal Connected
Lawrence Welk Show
America:Facts vs. Fiction
American Greed
Afropop: The Ultimate Cultural Exchange
Judge Judy
Catfish: The TV Show
Chicago Med
The Voice
Vanity Fair Confidential
The Best of Joy of Painting
Too Cute!
Real Housewives: Atlanta
Bookmark
Evolution of Evil
Quilting Arts
Homework Hotline
Teen Kids News
Weekend News
Our World
Fault Lines
How it Works
BBC World News
Intelligence Squared
Wendy Williams
Lifetime movies
Seinfeld
Squid-billies (occasionally)
C-SPAN/BookTV
Frontline
Independent Lens
Between the Lines with Barry Kibrick
Well Read
Teen Kids News
Homework Hotline
60 minutes
TMZ
Wild Australia
It's Sew Easy
Innovations in Medicine
Knitting Daily
Flinestones
Tom & Jerry
Crimes of a Century
Knit & Crochet Now
Talk to Al Jazerra
CitiCable
20/20
Chopped
Hoarders
The Golden Girls
Bonanza
Watch What Happens: Live
The First 48
Project Runway
Snapped
Nightline
Twilight Zone
Mod Squad
Bewitch

Time to build a shed for my eleven year old daughter. Safe, far, but close enough.

At my age, my cycle has ended. And hers has started. My poor husband. The eldest, my no-drama son cleverly predicted he'd be away living harmoniously on a college campus by now. Lucky him. He has no idea...

How, when, where, why, what can I say without being misunderstood or judged. I adore all my kids, my husband. I dreamed of a house full of kids, but my reality played out differently.

I love my living daughter dearly. Especially having lost a child ~ a beautiful, seemingly perfect and healthy girl. Along with a few devastating  miscarriages, and eventually being told by fertility doctors I'd never conceive again naturally - I consider daughter's fruitful life a treasured gift. Her mere existence, an honor to love, guide & support. Stephen Tyler song, written by Dianne Warren comes to mind, "I don't wanna miss a thing". Corny, but I still miss my kids when they are sleeping.

Til this day, I smell them. Touch them. See them. Hear them and taste them, by nibbling.

Don't get me wrong, my daughter is the sweetest, yummiest, ... growing/developing(ed) bundle of joy. But honestly, when that bloody time of month draws near (and we all have arriving date marked in "red" on our calendars to warn us to brace ourselves for the upcoming storm), I fear I'd end up in the news if I'm not wisely centered.

Yet I realize this is all a perfectly natural phenomenon. Through it all, I'm learning patience, compassion, understanding. And to count to ten before I  do or say something that'll have her end up on a therapist chair because of me and my inadequacies. Despite it all, my husband is a perfect balance in the monthly equation, in the midst of those thunderous mother/daughter storms. Eleven or so years ago, no one could have paid me to believe my own child would reveal to me that I can loose my character quickly over something she did/said. Sigh!

Gift ideas for someone surviving through dialysis ~ handmade/purchased/borrowed... Remember, most patients are subjected to remain inclined in one spot for up to three hours/three times per day -- until they are fortuned a transplant or health miraculously improves or forever.

Keep in mind the individual ~ age, gender; personality, nature and belief(s) of the recipient. Someone new to dialysis may not know what they need or want right away, as the life change may take time getting accustomed. Personally, I take all or most of these "necessities" to each of my treatments, rain or shine. Remember, though it may be warm out, it's very chilly inside dialysis units (at least the one I'm assigned). So any garments that can be easily put on or removed would be great.

I've crocheted/knitted fistula covers for my arm ... research the looks of dialysis fistulas. To me, mine is hideous. An eyesore, though I'm not ashamed, but feel it's worthy of courteous coverage. Also, I've made myself huge hooded cowls, scarfs, shawls and hats. Plan to make leg warmers and blankets in the near future. *Every stitch is made with love when you are making something for someone else. Many times you can experience the pleasure of giving a handmade item to someone who'd really be appreciative.

I love to read. Love to write. Love, love drawing and coloring. Love words and puzzles and juvenile looks & finds. And anything evoking critical thought or elevating my limited intelligence.

Love to be able to look something up quickly on my cell or tablet. Admittedly, gossip sites has become my guilty pleasure. But I spend an assortment of time browsing interesting YouTube. Over the years, I've collected various card & portable games (yeah, I'm a big, bright, curious kid in an adults body).

My dialysis days and times are M/W/F - 4:45 am-8:15 am.  I can never predict how long it'll take to be connected or removed from the machine. Occasionally complications arise and who knows, one day it'll be smooth sailing, the other, turbulence. Thankfully I've adjusted quite remarkably. Yesterday (Feb. 14th - Valentines Day) marked two years of dialysis. Wow! before you know it, I'll have an uneventful, healthy transplant.

Since my time is so early, most of the time, I sleep through. Other times, I'm experiencing some sort of physical or mental discomfort. Having "comfy" items tangible, makes my experience less challenging.

Before you continue, may I add one more thing. The best gift you can give is your presence. Yeah, presents are great, but valued and appreciated time is priceless. If the patient has a spouse (or devoted loved one) who is always present (like my dear husband), privilege that person a much needed day off. A moment knowing their loved one is okay for this one day visited by you - someone who is compassionate. Someone who cares. Or, offer to drive patient to their treatments for a day.

If you are an amazing cook who enjoys sharing, learn about the Renal Diet. Contact the dietitian at dialysis unit. Many sites out there can be misleading. Get facts from reliable and educated resources. Offer to assist with meal planning. I know this would make me happy. Cooking is not my talent.

• snacks (see Renal Diet)/tupperware 
• hand & face moisturizer/mask
• back scratcher (one that extends)
• ice cube storage (portable)
• comfy undergarments
• adult coloring books (zen)/crayons/pencils/markers
• mirror (compact)
• silk/satin bonnet
• travel pillow/log shaped pillow/U shaped pillow
• warm slippers/socks
• eye cover/mask - (silk and iced)
• word search/puzzles
• warm, rectangle blanket
• books, book mark/light
• headphones (quality)
• CD/DVD player (portable)
• journal
• ear muffs
• cowl/shawl/hat/mittens/booties
• duffle bag - large, spacious, easy to carry
• daily planner
• medicine case
• comfy portable chair - for guest
• dialysis clothes (accessible fistulas, grafts, catheter)
• magazine subscription
• shades (or eye wear)
• note pads/pens/pencils and case
• board, card games (portable)
• Kleenex/handkerchief
• warm sheet (fit dialysis chair)
• fan (portable)
• music CD's (or maybe download patients favorite tunes)
• hand sanitizer
• art supplies
• story/logic puzzles
• cell phone (text/Internet/apps)
• Ipad/Laptop (with portable stand)
• gum/hard candies/mints/breath spray
• water bottle/cooler (small)
• classical, relaxation, meditative tunes
• leggings
• dictionary 
• tools & resources to learn new language
• chess/checker board (play with guest)
• sweat pants/turtle necks
• Tablet to list doctors and medications and readings (i.e. blood pressure, weight)

* A genuinely kind note/card or text of encouragement for the day always makes my heart smile. Periodically keep in contact with patient. Let them know they are in your thoughts. Never assume...

Post a comment if this helps or if you have any additions to the list. I'm sure others readers can benefit. Plus, please tell a friend about my blog.

Currently have my eleven year old daughter organizing and counting loose change. It's so grand having kids. Not only are they a joy, they are quite useful, i.e. "Honey, please pass the remote. Counts/organize the cents. Pour me a glass of water (with three ice cubes), please. Scratch mommy's back... Thank you darling" etc. xoxo

We are mid doing laundry - with her by my side, is quite helpful. After we extract all the quarters, along with separating all the half dollars, dimes, nickels, pennies. Later on in the week we'll take all the coins to the Credit Union to deposit into our accounts. In my planned homeschool curriculum (Sage), included with various other beneficial and useful subjects to study, I have her learning: entrepreneurship; finance, accounting (husbands occupation), inventory and stocks/bonds. Eventually real estate too. Hours in are day are filled doing something substantive. Time & energy is a precious commodity. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste". [smile]

Basic common sense, critical thinking can be enhanced by giving kids something useful to do. Delegating those things that "seem" too adult for a child to comprehend.  Teach them young how to contribute to family, to community, to planet. My eldest/son started college at fourteen. I believe his precocious proclivities were advanced through both nature and nurture. Fortuned at least two supporting[tive] adults (or guardians) - us, helped make it easier. Same with my daughter.

She and I were privileged a marvelous Tuesday. Started off by attending an early morning yarn social - mostly elderly women, with a few middle-aged ones (including myself), down to the youngest, my daughter. Participants are usually awed by her prowess in yarn crafting - knitting, crocheting, loom.

This day, she assisted this elder woman with her loom. Fantastic to observe. To me, this is a valuable part of her education - following/reading a pattern, intelligently socializing (being shy or awkward is foreign to my kids, thankfully. I was both shy and awkward in my youth which caused me to miss out on great opportunities, I think), creating something beautiful, volunteering/helping others.

Afterwards we went to our local farmers market. Even with empty wallets, we enjoy walking, socializing, learning about an assortment of fruits and vegetables. I encourage her to be respectfully assertive. Speak up and ask vendors questions when needed. Be/stay curious. And if /when we interact with a Spanish speaker -- if person is open, I encourage her to practice her Spanish by using it. I find that most foreign speakers are obliged when they see someone interested in their language or their culture. And me, I'm always fascinated by anything/anyone unique or different. Perhaps because fall under that description in some form or fashion. Rather than conform, I embrace. Digressed...

I love when we have days like this: non stressful, relaxing, productive. Later we ended our outings with a spontaneous trip to the library. Of course, as you've read in previous blogs, this is my most favorite and happiest place to be - surrounded by books. All that knowledge and adventure at my disposal. While here, I encouraged my daughter to utilize the computers. Though we have access to them at home, I prefer her use the libraries as it has a time limit and the environment is that which is a studious atmosphere.

Today is a day where I feel like an energizer bunny. Closer to my previous self at better health, at least I thought. Husband is home now. He goes in the office a few days a week, and work from home the other. His company was so accommodating with the life change/challenge.

The load may be ready. Off I go, until energy declines.