I was recently thinking while in a mindset of frustration, "I wish a respected and trusted medical professional could/would explain fully to my husband and child (one still living at home, in particular) in detail  how I am [mommy] is quietly challenged in some capacity every second of the day either  physically, mentally or occasionally, emotionally.

Sometimes it seems like, my "no excuses, no complaining/whining" demeanor means I'm fine when in actuality, I'm not. Oftentimes there is complete chaos in my brain as I try arduously to navigate through my day competently. I disdain "needing" help, yet with current health issues, I need help.

Truthfully this illness taught me how to allow help without feeling awkward, embarrassed or dependent. After all, I can no longer do all that I use to do, and how I use to do it.

This day, I lashed out angrily at my daughter, then my husband. I lamented how it seemed they were not giving me the mental spaced I needed  while I was going through some "thought" difficulties in my head. My daughter was behaving extra needy. Her needs and wants are typically met as my husband and I try to cultivate a freely loving and giving environment and welcoming space for our kids. However some days I simply have nothing to give. I'm the need[er] the want[er]. Not privileged the type of caring and giving or nurturing, loving parents myself, I've learned early on, my own sort of coping skills for emotional survival. I go inward for comfort. I get quieter. Stillness.

In the very moment filled with frustrated irritability, when I was thinking more about self. Miraculously and instantaneously I was overcome with a grand feeling of natural compassion. It is not atypical for me to feel compassion for others, rarely do I feel any compassion for myself. But I felt a sense of extra compassion for my husband and daughter. After all, they are watching me now. And they have seen me then. They are definitely knowledgeable that mommy is "different". Perhaps they too have found their personal way to cope. And me still being here may give them comfort even though I am not the same, yet they love me completely and unconditionally nonetheless.

I've always worried about the emotional, physical, financial burden I must be putting on them. Especially my husband, I worry about his well being continuously. And with my kids, I worry about "appearances" when I publicly stumble, struggle in speech or in movement. I don't want to cause any shame or other feelings of discomfort. But today I felt something deeper in sense that, they can't imagine what I must be going through - internally. Rarely do I show or speak about what I am really feeling if it's not a feeling of my usual upbeat personality with genuine gratitude and optimism.

But they will never "really" know unless they were inside my body.

Yet they too are learning and growing and evolving in some form or fashion. Who am I to try to control their perceptions or perspectives. Not that I do, but any expressed anger is only fear revealing itself. So in wisdom, I immediately go inward. What is it about "me" can I learn from whatever this is. Somehow I may have slightly digressed.

This awareness was profound and necessary. The day is still early and there is still time to be the mom/wife they needed, wanted earlier. I have no problems giving. Especially to them, people who reciprocate and appreciate that unconditional love expressed 24/7 through thought, word or action.

Daily I have to remember, they are still adjusting too. The me they had was stoic yet gentle and loving. Keenly observant, sincere. Understanding and nurturing. Strong, courageous  despite daily chronic, debilitating migraines and an empty heart due to parental bereavement - child loss. They've seen a sharp mind and wit. An intellect coupled with a child-like curiosity to learn more about people, places, things, ideas and beliefs. Thankfully, I remain in total awe with life. When you think you figured out one thing, something seems to humble you as a reminder, it's impossible to be all knowing.

With reason, it is apparent they still have all those things in me, just different. Impressively they have managed to live with the change. And I guess, my strength and perseverance, has made this adaptation easier. So I must work harder at learning to forgive myself for those times I am not at my best. Life has proven, I'm just a flawed person trying to do the best I can with the cards I've been dealt, just like other humans I share this beautiful planet with.

After an unplanned, lengthy delay in posting, bare with me as I regain my bravery. My ability and knowledge to type - plus, operate a PC. To blog; plus, formulate sensible sentences and paragraphs...

A host of reasons explains my hiatus. Too numerous, some too trivial to mention. Initially I was unwell (not dead, thankfully), then uninspired (thoughts became too dark, at one point), then too exhausted (from dialysis treatments, to daily physical/mental obligations) and unfortunately my PC won't connect to internet from my bed. Time and life just got away from my joy and commitment to document, sharing my journey through dialysis, motherhood/wife, homeschooling, and more.

At this point and time, my health is of quality status. I can't believe its already been nearly two years since date of diagnosis - February 14, 2014. I feel so alive and grateful everyday. Luckily surviving a frontal lobe stroke helps challenges my memory in a beneficial way, which I've come to appreciate. Fortunately my brain can't hold on to much. I say fortunately because many things in my life I'd rather forget. So current painful moments don't last. Eventually pain is replaced with a more pleasant memory. Just looking on the brighter side of things ~

Some good news, months ago I was officially listed on transplant list. I remain very optimistic about my future. Plans were to learn one or more new languages while on dialysis. But lately, I've been passed out sound asleep through each treatment. Arrgh!

Each morning (my treatment days are for three full hours every M/W/F, rain or shine, holiday or not starting promptly at 4:45 a.m, My dear, sweet and loving, even tempered husband patiently logs all my meticulously packed necessities into the unit  -- huge bag (I'll list what's in my dialysis bag in future post), my language CD's (and CD/DVD player). My bedding for comfy blue dialysis chair: sheet, blanket, U shaped pillow, blanket, cowl, socks. His comfy lawn chair as he sets right next to me for full treatment watching and monitoring EVERYTHING. He also lugs in several books - because, you know, I plan to read them all that morning.

That's all for now. Happy to be back. And, happy belated New Year!