How can I be silent?

I move through life keeping my opinions & beliefs to myself.  I am careful not to offend. I strongly dislike being misunderstood. I try to peacefully navigate through my relationships while avoiding religious/political conversations. Occasionally my private disdain for certain elements of either may slip, but I never intend any harm.

Regardless, many have had no problems expressing their views to me. Perhaps the know and feel that my love for them is unconditional. I have never chosen friendships based on their color, religion, politics or other. I welcome diversity and differing opinions in my world. I am naturally curious. I am eager to learn, to grow. To explore different things. Different = great in my worldview.

Most may not know, I'm flabbergasted (but remain nonjudgmental) at times. Nevertheless, I still fear potential conflict, misjudgment; being ghosted or even ostracized. *Maybe due to my upbringing.

Respecting the pro-righteous, the pro-lifers, I wonder how many are actually pro-human. I mean, once the child actually breathes life, where are they when someone cries out, "I can't breathe!" thus,  dying needlessly at the hands of one of the "righteous".

Living through the climate of anti-science,  anti-difference; social/political divisiveness. The constant igniting of blatant ignorance, anarchy and enhanced racial conflict/confrontation. Brainwashing even the docile to do damage to their fellow-human. Where is the righteousness in all that's been observed or experienced over the years?

What about the looting? Well, why the constant murders at the hands of the police? Consider the cause and effect. Eventually the abused in every abuse situation will rise up. Express enough is enough. Gains the courage, the strength and momentum. Not excusing the form of anger, just understanding the primary source of it. Oftentimes anger causes sheer destruction. And all we can do is get out of the way.

What has gotten the persons with the power to listen? Is the powerful listening to peace? Furthermore, what kind of example has the powerful been? Hypocritical in our righteous indignation?

At some point, the brutality has to end. If not, an uproar will be the result --until concrete change comes. The have not's are hurting. The disadvantage are hurting. Hurt people hurt people. And destruction of replaceable/material things, sometimes gets the attention that is needed.

Another factor, all the looting and mayhem is not being done by mostly peaceful, united protesters. There are some opportunistic vandalism. Some, adding (or following) to the political rhetoric at hand.

We have to exercise critical thought and common sense while prejudging that which we don't understand or are oppose to. Being fed daily lies and falsehoods ad nauseum. Ubiquitously planted to distort facts and evidence. Promote controversy. Further dividing and conquering the country and causing more and more hate.

Poisoning the minds of many can be far worse than the looting (of replaceable possessions).

Pain manifest itself in various forms. Tears have been rolling down my face for days. Complete anguish, anxiety and fear. My weakened heart can't take much more of this.  Fatigued, exhausted from all the panic attacks.

I feel the pain as if it were my neck underneath the boot. I can't breathe! Reality is, this could have been me or my loved one. And that fact only adds to the terror. George Floyd was not three-fifths a person. This wicked belief still inhabits the hearts and minds of the descendants. He was a man. Someone's son, brother, uncle, friend.

Some who know me might think, "but Sage, you are a good person. No way would you be unfairly attacked". Then I can refer them to the innocent woman gunned down as she slept. Or the Harvard alum out with the birds. Most born with the threatening skin have a story regarding unpleasant experiences due to their race.

Many like me are in pain. Are angry and feel utterly helpless. Many others are human enough to feel the pain of and empathize with the oppressed. They couldn't just sit in the comfort of their home, in the protection of their skin and pass judgement on what they see and what they think they know.

People are in pain. The pain uprooted them. There is an awakening happening before our eyes. Protesting in our own way because we all are tired of the constant ill-treatment continuously from those who are paid to protect/paid to lead all of us - regardless of our color, religion or politics. All our lives should matter. Value my life. I value your life. Simple. My skin shouldn't determine whether or not you treat me fairly.

I weep for the many lives that have been lost. Research the plethora of lives lost or damaged over the years due to racial superiority or racial ignorance. Yes, there is black-on-black crime, but I'm addressing those with the inherit, privileged power. Stick to the problem at hand.

Smothering in tremendous hurt I can barely type coherently. Difficulty swallowing or speaking. Rather than continue to exhaust myself lamenting. Grief is expressed in blog form that perhaps no one will read but myself.

Some can go on with their days with the knowledge, they are exempt from the traumatic way George Floyd was murdered. Their skin may be their protection. Some of us, safe-skin is not our privilege. Murders are at large. Murders are now working at a desk, still getting paid. The full murder was captured on tape yet we still need evidence. Imagine. Imagine if this was you, and your skin was your only sin. Share the skin of the pigmented for a minute. For a lifetime.

I'm quite transparent. I am who I am. I believe in Peace. I believe in Love. I believe in Freedom and Justice - for all. I also believe in forgiveness and one earning to be forgiven. Does my beliefs qualify me to be perceived as a moral and decent person? Or do I have to believe and follow your personal doctrine and philosophy of choice and culture -- while quietly hating those who are different?

My heart is heavy. I worry if my silence over the years has come across as condoning some of the bigoted/hypocritical/self-righteous expressions I've heard or witnessed. I will always remember how my insides felt when certain things were whispered, said or done.  Every incident I was speechless.

I teach my kids to be kind. They are very bright and quality humans. I taught them early on. My dear husband and I try to be positive examples. Keep your hands out of your pockets when in stores, even if you're cold. Don't wear a hoodie while out. Even if the jacket worn has a hood.

Be articulate -- speak clearly and grammatically correct. Read and educate yourself. Study and advance through life based on your brains and merit. Earn your wealth and status in life. As you ascend in your personal greatness, have compassion for the less fortunate. Remember, everyone's reality is different. Some have to fight harder than others to overcome their abysmal circumstance.

I remind them that some people are not taught to get to know you before prejudging you. No one will actually see how smart you are. How funny you are. How humbled and giving you are. Or even, they are not taught to see that you were raised by two quality and educated parents - a mother AND a father. All they may see is color. For all their parents saw was color, and so on.

Some will assume you're some negative stereotype. Rather than respecting and valuing you more once the quality of who you are as a person is revealed, they may become angered when you prove  {through behavior alone} to them that you're not some statistic. You are not your skin.

Though I come from childhood trauma. Extreme abuse, neglect and abandonment. For the most part. Neither do I fit some stereotype. I'd like to believe the amazing friendships/relationships I've attracted & appreciated over my lifetime - they all value and cherish who I am "Sage" as a human being.

When I enter a room, I'd hope they all see my shine, my up-beat, optimistic personality. For I am a survivor of many obstacles and tragedies.

I may have been a fatherless child, BUT,... I am not my skin!

Cont' - I hope they see my strength, even on days I feel my weakest. Days when I may feel less of myself when I feel like giving up. Days when dying seems easiest. It is LOVE and LIGHT that gets me through. Is the fuel for my fight to live through the daily challenges of this disease and life period.

My mission in life is to genuinely be apart of the good in the world, rather than the ugly that tends to darken every light. The more we bring to life kids that are taught to hate by being a primary observer of their parents patterns and behaviors. You think they are not watching/are not listening. But...

One doesn't know the life journey of another. We all can't believe in the same things. We all can't feel the same things. One religion or political party is not superior to another. However, when the "compassionate, emphatic folk" witness someone being hurt with words or actions - eventually, we'll erupt. As our silence can be part of the problem.

Am I complicit? When I vote, I think of humanity - the people (of all races and genders), the poor, the privileged. The present, the future. And so on.

I'm pro-HUMAN. I care deeply for the living. It is evident in the current protest. All lives matter. You see all races affected by the racial ugliness.

I wear my mask because I'm pro-HUMAN. I care for myself/my family. I care for others. If I catch Covid, I can die (with my litany of medical conditions).

Covid has aired the ugliness, the injustice, the unfairness. Now this.
The murders are airing all the racial ugliness. Who parented these murderers?

People are angry. Enraged.

Where is the leadership in all of this? Previous protest (with torches, with armed weapons) were defined as "good people". Current protest has been defined as "thugs" and thoughts of being dealt with with "shooting" and "dogs". Who condones language like this?

Certain things we do and believe reveals who we are. Even when we are silent at a time in history like this. Who's side are you on? Which tweets/behavior do you agree with? What kind of example are you towards your children and your grandchildren? When future offspring's read about these times in history, what will "your choices" say about you?

We are dealing with many viruses. Covid. and hatred for those who are different. Why are some defined by their color? Does pigment automatically make the person expendable? Black/Brown = bad. White/other = good. Monitor your thinking  when you are around someone different. Who are you?

If a man had his foot viciously at the neck of a dog/cat, thus squeezing the life out of it. Imagine... This happened to a human being! This was a man already subdued. Begging for his life! Crying out to his mother! Ultimately he died over a $20 bill while black.

People are hurting. We need a quality human to help heal the constant hurt.

PTSD is what some in certain communities live with each day due to what they experience.

If people are okay with the woman who called police on bird watcher {google Emmett Till}...
If people are okay with the woman shot to death while she slept...
If people are okay with the young, male jogger shot to death...
If people are okay with the recent death of George Floyd...
If people are okay with all the racial injustices that plague our nation...

How many of these situations that weren't videotaped?
How can one live with such hatred and secretly do such vile things?

Thousands upon thousands are marching all over the nation. All colors are marching. Why the anger? Look around. Evaluate your own heart and mind to uncover hidden biases. Recall the racially-suspect conversations you've had or heard.

Silence condones the violence. Spectators were pleading with officers to let Floyd breathe. The senseless murder continued. Obviously fueled by pure hate. Fellow officers watched in silence. No healing tweets. Nothing productive or humane.

"I can't breathe!"

I'm afraid. Whenever I encounter someone without a mask, I wonder. For the past few years, I've been wondering about several injustices. How long can I maintain this respectful silence in the midst of so much worldly ugliness?

From now on...

I speak.
I stand.
I am pro-Human.
I am a mother, a wife; a friend. I matter. My family matters. My diverse friendships matter.  I can no longer be silent. I stand for justice and peace for all races. I stand for the religious to the nonreligious. I stand for the the political to the nonpolitical.

"No justice, No peace!"

Sixth day following the death of George Floyd. How did things elevate to this?

There has been so much pain of late. Not only the physical from my medical condition - currently dealing with discomforts in my joints. Difficulty walking or standing. Being able to swim  (preCovid) several times per week may have prevented this extra ailment. Lately, while under quarantine. I've been taking 25 minute walks twice per day. Strength and ability during walks is no where near the benefits felt from 1-2 hour lap swimming.

There has been so much pain from the results of Covid. Who would have thought America would allow something so deadly to infect our shores. 100,000 plus deaths and escalating. Who do we blame for such chaos and catastrophic realities?

There is so much pain from what so many now are protesting. All races, religions, genders, etc are now marching for justice. What happened to George Floyd. Any human with a purse felt deep anguish on what we all witness on video days ago. If you're pro-life, you gotta be also pro-Human.

This is the one of the worst nightmares of any one of color. A mother, a father, and so on. We all fear this. We all try desperately to protect our young from so many horrors, and this. Having a person who is supposedly trained to protect, instead. Inclined to put his foot on our necks. As we cry out to our mother. Beg for mercy. Ultimately, perish in front of many.

Thankfully this was caught on video. Many deaths by police are happening all over the world. Many are video-tapped. Nothing happens. Officer goes on with his/her life.

At some point. These reoccurent incidents will result on this. The anger many of us are feeling now. How much can one take?