Discovered today, during early morning dialysis treatments that the unit finally has cable television! Not that I spend much time viewing the TV screen while I'm there for the three hours, three days per week sessions. But some days, like this morning, I wouldn't mind falling off to sleep while viewing a good screening to an old movie on AMC.
Old movies are me and my daughters favorite past times. When time permits, we enjoy cuddling up to a quality classic and marvel at the decor, the fashions, the era, the dialogue, the interaction. I love listening to her twelve year old interpretation of what is being viewed. Lovingly we knit/crochet during, all while capturing a special moment that is exclusively ours.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Friday, July 15, 2016
My swimming adventures...
Have been utterly amazing. I mean, why have I avoided the pool all these years? especially when I was fit and fine. I mean, the time I wasted with feelings of insecurity when I was physically at my peek in terms of fitness, health and beauty. Why wasn't I alert and aware, self-confident in this world -- living and exploring and creating and experiencing... why? why? why? I ask my old self.
Here I say, now is now. Then is then. What I have right now, is this moment. And if I could be doing in the midst of THIS very moment is... swimming.
Oh how I LOVE being in the pool. I feel so much freedom and all is okay with the world. Even in a public pool (which use to gross me out too much to even considering putting my toe in the water), in a spiritual way (for lack of a better description), it's like I'm one with the world. I'm connected.
Now, like I've written in a previous blog entry, I get in the water on Tuesday's and Thursday's. Due to dialysis treatments at 4:45 am every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I can't get into the water due to the bandages on my fistula (which has to stay on for several hours [9 pm] least blood will be everywhere). And due to the extra exhaustion I feel following treatments. Typically, I try to rest (and sleep) on dialysis days. Yeah, my active life keeps me out and about - on the go. I home school my twelve year old daughter and she's quite active physically & socially. I mean, if she actually was "home" schooled, we can just totally stay indoors and get all the rest imagined.
I guess you can say, she's life-schooled. Or world-schooled. Enough with semantics, and back to swimming. I go to the gym. My daughter and I bike (she reads during) and do the circuit (usually together). Typically she carries on with her youth activities independently and I get in the pool.
Now, I'm no swimmer by definition. As a former fitness instructor, I have maintained some knowledge of overall fitness and body mechanics.
I've read several books on swimming. And just like reading books on giving birth, when you are in the situation, all knowledge escapes into I don't know where.
But apparently someone has been observing and possibly maybe even admiring my efforts. Seems like, at least to me, I visually progress each time I'm in the water. Someone anonymously gifted me swim lessons. Honestly, I've never considered lessons for myself. My kids have had lessons though.
I'm naturally inquisitive. Ask lots of questions. Smart ones, I hope. Talking to people, or even strangers no longer frightens me. When I was a kid, I was painfully shy. But now, seems like I'm making up for it. I digress.
I observe skilled swimmers and try to emulate what they are doing. Also, life guards discreetly give me pointers here and there. I keep trying. I push. And each time, I get better and better.
Seems like I'm rambling. Which is something I tend to do when I get excited.
When learning about the breathing. It's the most confusing thing ever. But I'm finally getting the hang of it. You blow out under water. And during your active swim, you must kick your legs a certain way. Move your arms a certain way. But keep blowing. Turn your head. And rather than blow out like I use to, you breath in (in prep to blow out under water again). I don't know why I was blowing bubbles underwater, then coming up during attempts at breast stroke, still blowing - only to wonder why water was getting in my nose and mouth. Yuck!
Me, "What?!"
"Breath in when you turn your head?" and,
"blow out when you are under water".
Me, "ooh".
So, I'm approaching my final lesson for this session soon. I've met some really nice fellow non (want to be) swimmers. Who would have thought. There are others. {smile} -- which made the experience much more fun and exciting. When you are learning (or when I am) with others, you push yourself even more. You listen a little closer. You try a little bit harder.
I've managed to improve my breaststroke a bit. Couldn't do it at all last week. But improved today - which makes me feel fantastic. Soon I'll be zipping up and down the pool like those other more advanced swimmers. I want to swim for pleasure and conditioning. If little babies and other small kids can just dive in, dip and go under, shouldn't I be fearless enough to do the same?
Have been utterly amazing. I mean, why have I avoided the pool all these years? especially when I was fit and fine. I mean, the time I wasted with feelings of insecurity when I was physically at my peek in terms of fitness, health and beauty. Why wasn't I alert and aware, self-confident in this world -- living and exploring and creating and experiencing... why? why? why? I ask my old self.
Here I say, now is now. Then is then. What I have right now, is this moment. And if I could be doing in the midst of THIS very moment is... swimming.
Oh how I LOVE being in the pool. I feel so much freedom and all is okay with the world. Even in a public pool (which use to gross me out too much to even considering putting my toe in the water), in a spiritual way (for lack of a better description), it's like I'm one with the world. I'm connected.
Now, like I've written in a previous blog entry, I get in the water on Tuesday's and Thursday's. Due to dialysis treatments at 4:45 am every Monday, Wednesday, Friday. I can't get into the water due to the bandages on my fistula (which has to stay on for several hours [9 pm] least blood will be everywhere). And due to the extra exhaustion I feel following treatments. Typically, I try to rest (and sleep) on dialysis days. Yeah, my active life keeps me out and about - on the go. I home school my twelve year old daughter and she's quite active physically & socially. I mean, if she actually was "home" schooled, we can just totally stay indoors and get all the rest imagined.
I guess you can say, she's life-schooled. Or world-schooled. Enough with semantics, and back to swimming. I go to the gym. My daughter and I bike (she reads during) and do the circuit (usually together). Typically she carries on with her youth activities independently and I get in the pool.
Now, I'm no swimmer by definition. As a former fitness instructor, I have maintained some knowledge of overall fitness and body mechanics.
I've read several books on swimming. And just like reading books on giving birth, when you are in the situation, all knowledge escapes into I don't know where.
But apparently someone has been observing and possibly maybe even admiring my efforts. Seems like, at least to me, I visually progress each time I'm in the water. Someone anonymously gifted me swim lessons. Honestly, I've never considered lessons for myself. My kids have had lessons though.
I'm naturally inquisitive. Ask lots of questions. Smart ones, I hope. Talking to people, or even strangers no longer frightens me. When I was a kid, I was painfully shy. But now, seems like I'm making up for it. I digress.
I observe skilled swimmers and try to emulate what they are doing. Also, life guards discreetly give me pointers here and there. I keep trying. I push. And each time, I get better and better.
Seems like I'm rambling. Which is something I tend to do when I get excited.
When learning about the breathing. It's the most confusing thing ever. But I'm finally getting the hang of it. You blow out under water. And during your active swim, you must kick your legs a certain way. Move your arms a certain way. But keep blowing. Turn your head. And rather than blow out like I use to, you breath in (in prep to blow out under water again). I don't know why I was blowing bubbles underwater, then coming up during attempts at breast stroke, still blowing - only to wonder why water was getting in my nose and mouth. Yuck!
Me, "What?!"
"Breath in when you turn your head?" and,
"blow out when you are under water".
Me, "ooh".
So, I'm approaching my final lesson for this session soon. I've met some really nice fellow non (want to be) swimmers. Who would have thought. There are others. {smile} -- which made the experience much more fun and exciting. When you are learning (or when I am) with others, you push yourself even more. You listen a little closer. You try a little bit harder.
I've managed to improve my breaststroke a bit. Couldn't do it at all last week. But improved today - which makes me feel fantastic. Soon I'll be zipping up and down the pool like those other more advanced swimmers. I want to swim for pleasure and conditioning. If little babies and other small kids can just dive in, dip and go under, shouldn't I be fearless enough to do the same?
Recently had my usual dental check up - X-Rays and cleaning. To my dismay, several alerts were an issue in my meticulously maintained mouth.
Two broken teeth, a cavity, an infection (need a root canal in a front tooth), and gook build up on my tongue (haven't been able to thoroughly brush my tongue since stroke. I immediately vomit whenever I go back too far with toothbrush or tongue scraper). Sigh.
I could not believe the words that were coming out of the mouth of the hygienist, then the dentist. Lying on the inclined patient chair, instantly my stomach began to knot up. Body warmed up in the air conditioned room. I felt flush. In an eye blink, my world was changing against my control or power - again. One more thing to make peace with. Dental problems.
I see patients at dialysis with loosening or missing teeth all the time. And this, along with that horrific looking "fistula" (see dialysis fistula photos online) terrifies me. I actually have had nightmares about losing my teeth!
Now, some might think. "It's only teeth". But you must understand, we are all obsessive about something or another. And for me, it's my oral health is at the top of "my" list.
My mother has had dentures as long as I've been alive. And memories of her boldly removing them and placing them on the table during meals still haunts me. As it is, I don't want to be anything like her.
And my dad, he has beautiful, healthy, well maintained teeth. He even had braces when he was in his fifties (or something close), even though his teeth looked perfect without them.
I'm accustomed to having the hygienist, the dentist compliment me on the health of my teeth. How well they are being cared for between treatments and so on. For me, this is like a kid who gets a star on their paper from the teacher. And yeah, a big part is the superficial, the looks. But damn, must I fall apart from head to toe? I already lost my hair with this awful disease.
And to receive such news after all the maintenance, I can't help but feel some kind of way.
I left the dental office feeling deflated. As if the world were coming to an end. From there, my daughter and I went to our Crafting/Knitting Circle. There I enjoyed socializing with the ladies (and a few kids), which was a healthier distraction, I must add. Yet, I didn't knit or crochet a stitch. Was kinda weak physically from the mornings dialysis treatment. And emotionally drained from worrying about all that's going on orally.
And to make matters worst, the cost. Drowning in bills now. Not from owning anything. Simply from paying the consequences of having a disease that's never-ending. This is a life long condition. Sigh.
On a brighter note: Later on that day, I talked to my calm and collected husband. He comforted me in his way. Tall, dark & handsome. My prince charming. He said, "honey, just be glad you don't need a crown". Looking up from my dark, gloomy, melancholy fetal position, "what is a crown and the procedure for one?", I feebly asked. Shoulders erect and cadence matter-of-fact, he went on to tell me the gory details... From then on, I've been quiet, more resolute about my oral issue.
With intentions of unshakable grace, I'll go with the flow and accept my fate. The knowing that I've done my best, but my best was not good enough - when faced with renal disease. This is my reality. Right now, as I type, I have a mouth full of natural teeth. I embrace this moment and work towards the wisdom to embrace every moment I'm in. I've survived so much before. I'll survive during. I'll survive after. My kids are watching... Eventually, from that fetal, woe is me position, I rose like a Phoenix... I think, I hope.
Two broken teeth, a cavity, an infection (need a root canal in a front tooth), and gook build up on my tongue (haven't been able to thoroughly brush my tongue since stroke. I immediately vomit whenever I go back too far with toothbrush or tongue scraper). Sigh.
I could not believe the words that were coming out of the mouth of the hygienist, then the dentist. Lying on the inclined patient chair, instantly my stomach began to knot up. Body warmed up in the air conditioned room. I felt flush. In an eye blink, my world was changing against my control or power - again. One more thing to make peace with. Dental problems.
I see patients at dialysis with loosening or missing teeth all the time. And this, along with that horrific looking "fistula" (see dialysis fistula photos online) terrifies me. I actually have had nightmares about losing my teeth!
Now, some might think. "It's only teeth". But you must understand, we are all obsessive about something or another. And for me, it's my oral health is at the top of "my" list.
My mother has had dentures as long as I've been alive. And memories of her boldly removing them and placing them on the table during meals still haunts me. As it is, I don't want to be anything like her.
And my dad, he has beautiful, healthy, well maintained teeth. He even had braces when he was in his fifties (or something close), even though his teeth looked perfect without them.
I'm accustomed to having the hygienist, the dentist compliment me on the health of my teeth. How well they are being cared for between treatments and so on. For me, this is like a kid who gets a star on their paper from the teacher. And yeah, a big part is the superficial, the looks. But damn, must I fall apart from head to toe? I already lost my hair with this awful disease.
And to receive such news after all the maintenance, I can't help but feel some kind of way.
I left the dental office feeling deflated. As if the world were coming to an end. From there, my daughter and I went to our Crafting/Knitting Circle. There I enjoyed socializing with the ladies (and a few kids), which was a healthier distraction, I must add. Yet, I didn't knit or crochet a stitch. Was kinda weak physically from the mornings dialysis treatment. And emotionally drained from worrying about all that's going on orally.
And to make matters worst, the cost. Drowning in bills now. Not from owning anything. Simply from paying the consequences of having a disease that's never-ending. This is a life long condition. Sigh.
On a brighter note: Later on that day, I talked to my calm and collected husband. He comforted me in his way. Tall, dark & handsome. My prince charming. He said, "honey, just be glad you don't need a crown". Looking up from my dark, gloomy, melancholy fetal position, "what is a crown and the procedure for one?", I feebly asked. Shoulders erect and cadence matter-of-fact, he went on to tell me the gory details... From then on, I've been quiet, more resolute about my oral issue.
With intentions of unshakable grace, I'll go with the flow and accept my fate. The knowing that I've done my best, but my best was not good enough - when faced with renal disease. This is my reality. Right now, as I type, I have a mouth full of natural teeth. I embrace this moment and work towards the wisdom to embrace every moment I'm in. I've survived so much before. I'll survive during. I'll survive after. My kids are watching... Eventually, from that fetal, woe is me position, I rose like a Phoenix... I think, I hope.
I'm currently doing fairly well, thankfully. Month of July started off with a bang - colorfully sparked by joyous moments that made my heart radiate; smile constantly.
Well, you know I visit the gym at least three or more times per week. Tuesday's and Thursday's (M/W/F are dialysis dialysis days). My usual routine (aside from a mile run when stamina permits). I bike (30) minutes, do a circuit (1-3x's), then I swim (self teaching from library books, videos and observing skilled swimmers).
One Friday, out-of-the-blue I get a call from my family gym. My daughter spends a great deal of time there for exercise and youth activities, so I assumed it was something related to her. To my surprise, some kind stranger (I assume), who wants to remain anonymous, gifted me a swim session (which last for 5-6 weeks). Thrilled doesn't even describe my euphoria. I was so elated I couldn't sleep, as I enthusiastically accepted the next adult class - which started the very next day.
So now, not only have I been swimming on Tuesday's and Thursday's, but I've added Saturday to my weekly swimming routine (which I'll write more on in a separate blog entry).
My daughter (who is home schooled) accompanies me not only to the gym (she exercises and participates in an array of activities geared for the youth), but also my weekly crafting/knitting circles (she's a very skilled in crochet, knitting; and sews too).
She and I were invited to participate in a weekly quilting group. There, ladies of all ages and backgrounds get together and design (from scratch) quilts for battered women's shelters. There we are taught by the best and have learned so much in just a small amount of time ~ while having a blast.
The greatest thing is, we are doing something positive and potentially comforting for those who are suffering through challenging times in their lives. Another gift to my daughter (age twelve) and I is, we are meeting and interacting with some amazing people - which is truly a privilege.
My daughter continues to mature and thrive and blossom. I'm so honored to be her mother. Each day is an adventure - sometimes too stressful for me to endure, but I'm thankful to be able to be present and experience with her and facilitate memorable times to someday fondly reflect upon with QUALITY people, places, things and ideas. Good thing is, she's self-confident. Socially intelligent and aware. Can interact with anyone on any level, at any time. No problem.
Daily she's involved with a plethora of social opportunities (included with numerous team sports) with her peers and kids/people of all ages and backgrounds. She's having real world opportunities and we will continue on this beautiful & beneficial path, that works for us. She's happy. She's healthy.
Another great thing happening this month is, one of my doctors returned from maternity leave. I genuinely adore her. Missed her so much and seeing her face, hearing her voice weekly - during dialysis treatments tends to brighten up my day.
I'm privileged some amazing doctors where I receive top notch, quality care. Though the medical and prescription bills are rapidly destroying/devastating us financially, I hold on to the fact that at least I'm being professionally cared for by the best. I'm staying active. Living my life peacefully and productively. My monthly labs, my health are consistently good, for the most part. When they are not, I try to maintain the spirit of - doing whatever is necessary, staying enlightened. And, "adapting like water".
Well, you know I visit the gym at least three or more times per week. Tuesday's and Thursday's (M/W/F are dialysis dialysis days). My usual routine (aside from a mile run when stamina permits). I bike (30) minutes, do a circuit (1-3x's), then I swim (self teaching from library books, videos and observing skilled swimmers).
One Friday, out-of-the-blue I get a call from my family gym. My daughter spends a great deal of time there for exercise and youth activities, so I assumed it was something related to her. To my surprise, some kind stranger (I assume), who wants to remain anonymous, gifted me a swim session (which last for 5-6 weeks). Thrilled doesn't even describe my euphoria. I was so elated I couldn't sleep, as I enthusiastically accepted the next adult class - which started the very next day.
So now, not only have I been swimming on Tuesday's and Thursday's, but I've added Saturday to my weekly swimming routine (which I'll write more on in a separate blog entry).
My daughter (who is home schooled) accompanies me not only to the gym (she exercises and participates in an array of activities geared for the youth), but also my weekly crafting/knitting circles (she's a very skilled in crochet, knitting; and sews too).
She and I were invited to participate in a weekly quilting group. There, ladies of all ages and backgrounds get together and design (from scratch) quilts for battered women's shelters. There we are taught by the best and have learned so much in just a small amount of time ~ while having a blast.
The greatest thing is, we are doing something positive and potentially comforting for those who are suffering through challenging times in their lives. Another gift to my daughter (age twelve) and I is, we are meeting and interacting with some amazing people - which is truly a privilege.
My daughter continues to mature and thrive and blossom. I'm so honored to be her mother. Each day is an adventure - sometimes too stressful for me to endure, but I'm thankful to be able to be present and experience with her and facilitate memorable times to someday fondly reflect upon with QUALITY people, places, things and ideas. Good thing is, she's self-confident. Socially intelligent and aware. Can interact with anyone on any level, at any time. No problem.
Daily she's involved with a plethora of social opportunities (included with numerous team sports) with her peers and kids/people of all ages and backgrounds. She's having real world opportunities and we will continue on this beautiful & beneficial path, that works for us. She's happy. She's healthy.
Another great thing happening this month is, one of my doctors returned from maternity leave. I genuinely adore her. Missed her so much and seeing her face, hearing her voice weekly - during dialysis treatments tends to brighten up my day.
I'm privileged some amazing doctors where I receive top notch, quality care. Though the medical and prescription bills are rapidly destroying/devastating us financially, I hold on to the fact that at least I'm being professionally cared for by the best. I'm staying active. Living my life peacefully and productively. My monthly labs, my health are consistently good, for the most part. When they are not, I try to maintain the spirit of - doing whatever is necessary, staying enlightened. And, "adapting like water".
Monday, July 4, 2016
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