Recently had my usual dental check up - X-Rays and cleaning. To my dismay, several alerts were an issue in my meticulously maintained mouth.

Two broken teeth, a cavity, an infection (need a root canal in a front tooth), and gook build up on my tongue (haven't been able to thoroughly brush my tongue since stroke. I immediately vomit whenever I go back too far with toothbrush or tongue scraper). Sigh.

I could not believe the words that were coming out of the mouth of the hygienist, then the dentist. Lying on the inclined patient chair, instantly my stomach began to knot up. Body warmed up in the air conditioned room. I felt flush. In an eye blink, my world was changing against my control or power - again. One more thing to make peace with. Dental problems.

I see patients at dialysis with loosening or missing teeth all the time. And this, along with that horrific looking  "fistula"  (see dialysis fistula photos online) terrifies me. I actually have had nightmares about losing my teeth!

Now, some might think. "It's only teeth". But you must understand, we are all obsessive about something or another. And for me, it's my oral health is at the top of "my" list.

My mother has had dentures as long as I've been alive. And memories of her boldly removing them and placing them on the table during meals still haunts me. As it is, I don't want to be anything like her.

And my dad, he has beautiful, healthy, well maintained teeth. He even had braces when he was in his fifties (or something close), even though his teeth looked perfect without them.

I'm accustomed to having the hygienist, the dentist compliment me on the health of my teeth. How well they are being cared for between treatments and so on. For me, this is like a kid who gets a star on their paper from the teacher. And  yeah, a big part is the superficial, the looks. But damn, must I fall apart from head to toe? I already lost my hair with this awful disease.

And to receive such news after all the maintenance, I can't help but feel some kind of way.

I left the dental office feeling deflated. As if the world were coming to an end. From there, my daughter and I went to our Crafting/Knitting Circle. There I enjoyed socializing with the ladies (and a few kids), which was a healthier distraction, I must add. Yet, I didn't knit or crochet a stitch. Was kinda weak physically from the mornings dialysis treatment. And emotionally drained from worrying about all that's going on orally.

And to make matters worst, the cost. Drowning in bills now. Not from owning anything. Simply from paying the consequences of having a disease that's never-ending. This is a life long condition. Sigh.

On a brighter note: Later on that day, I talked to my calm and collected husband. He comforted me in his way. Tall, dark & handsome. My prince charming. He said, "honey, just be glad you don't need a crown". Looking up from my dark, gloomy, melancholy fetal position, "what is a crown and the procedure for one?", I feebly asked. Shoulders erect and cadence matter-of-fact, he went on to tell me the gory details... From then on, I've been quiet, more resolute about my oral issue.

With intentions of unshakable grace, I'll go with the flow and accept my fate. The knowing that I've done my best, but my best was not good enough - when faced with renal disease. This is my reality. Right now, as I type, I have a mouth full of natural teeth. I embrace this moment and work towards the wisdom to embrace every moment I'm in. I've survived so much before. I'll survive during. I'll survive after. My kids are watching... Eventually, from that fetal, woe is me position, I rose like a Phoenix... I think, I hope.