This woman (complete stranger) just went off on me.
While at a family-oriented environment, with my twelve-year old daughter sitting at the table with me - me, hyper-focused, knitting. And my daughter, studious. Completing her academics.
We were both seated at a small, rounded table near the entrance of the facility. All our bags, books, yarn, laptop, tablet, phones, lunches, water bottles, etc. were neatly piled on top of the table we were utilizing. I sat in one chair, my daughter in the other. Also, I had additional bags on a third chair (I saw that there were numerous available chairs nearby just in case some one needed seating).
We were there, enjoying our day together. Productively & peacefully doing what we normally do. Suddenly, here comes this woman. With her energy, "are you using this chair?" Barely looking up, as I was very focused (trying to comprehend cabled knit hat pattern I was reading), "yes", I responded.
She spoke again, sternly, "well, can't you put your bags on the floor?" Me, not paying attention really, somewhat passively, "where will I put them?" Again, I wasn't thoroughly in-tuned to what was going on really. I felt her energy but didn't feed it. I was preoccupied with my child and my yarn & needles.
Prior to sitting, I figured there where plenty of available seats (same exact chairs) adjacently stacked. But, for some reason, this woman must have wanted the chair "my bags" were on. Sigh!
When I mindlessly asked that woman "where will I put them", and why did I do that. Hugely present by this time, angrily she griped, "well, can't you put them on the floor?!" Confused, but unmoved, I uttered, "I'd prefer not to" assuming incorrectly that she'd eventually keep it moving.
The she was, in my face (literally) now, attempting to intimidate, "you know these chairs are not here for what you are using them for. You should be a better example to your child!"
Continued with my face down, knitting. Aware of the type of nature this woman was demonstrating, I carefully removed my bags and scooted the chair toward her.
Yelling crazily by this time (mind you, this was a mature woman with her two tween boys next to her judging the example "I" was setting), "I don't want the chair now. You should have just gave it to me when I asked for it. You are a poor example to your daughter..."
This woman whom I've never ever seen in my life, who does not know if that was my daughter or not, went completely berserk in public with a lobby full of people (adults and small children).
Intuitively, I knew not to acknowledge her. To remain quiet. Be still. Nothing at that moment coming out of my mouth may have come out productively. Let this moment pass.
Eventually the woman walked away, her voice fading deeper into the busy lobby. Soon as it was clear, I glanced toward my daughter. Asking if the woman and her child were out of sight.
My stunned, assertive daughter began to say, "mom, the woman was right. You should have just gave her the chair in the beginning". My reply was, "it was her approach, her demeanor. And before I knew what was going on, she was going off on me". I went on to say, "whatever that was had absolutely nothing to do with me or the chair". I instructed my daughter, "learn from this. Have compassion. We don't know what that woman is going through. Nor does she know what we may be going through".
We both sat there speechless. Mood interrupted, but temporarily. Quickly, we proceeded to do what we were doing before that tornado came through. The air was clearing. We took bites of our lunches. Sips of our water. Carried on as if nothing happened. Later, as we continued to sit in the same spot, curious, I asked my daughter, "what did you learn from that experience?"
I told her to keep an eye out. Eventually the woman has to exit past us. Be sure not to stare but be aware. You never want some volatile person approaching without warning.
Sure enough, the woman came out. Had to walk past us again. Calmly, I kept my head down. Still knitting, but not submissively. This time, I was watching an instructional YouTube video of the pattern I was initially following. Was wearing headphones.
To my surprise, the woman didn't glare or exit angrily. She did quite the opposite. She peacefully and politely approached me. Got in my face again, but tenderly. Looked me straight in the eye with a sincerity, "excuse me, I'm sorry" she said. Shocked, but I but careful not to show it.
I removed my headphones, raised my tilted head, not thinking of what else to say, I acknowledged her gesture. "Thank you", I said minus emotion. Then she left. Boys in tow. Air, even clearer.
Once she was gone, my daughter and I looked at each other. "Wow" we both said. I immediately asked, "what did you learn from that whole experience honey?" That was a good lesson. What an experience. In the end, my daughter, those boys learned from the woman and I both that day.
Sunday, September 25, 2016
Had an appointment with an ENT (Ear, Nose, Throat) doctor. This was my first time seeing this doctor or going to this office.
I sat in the waiting room nervously. Usually my husband accompanies me to my medical appointments, especially all the "first time" ones.
As I was filling out all the tedious and confusing paperwork (keep in mind, I'm a stroke survivor), I was not only wondering if I was wise and accurate in what I was writing and, if I this office could "bill me".
With the medical insurance my accountant husband's company provided, our co-pay is a whopping $60.00! Calculate that with 3 or more medical visits each week, coupled with all the weekly prescription refills AND monthly medical bills overdue.
While there, I felt warm all over. The longer I waited (which was over an hour by the time I was seen), the more nervous I felt. During, I didn't feel too comfortable with my experience thus far, and I hoped that I would at least LIKE the doctor I was scheduled to see.
Finally my name was called. The staff who called my name failed to make eye contact. This always cause me pause. As I was placed in the room, more questions were asked, and she still never made eye contact. I realized some people are grossly socially challenged, but damn, I had to pay $60.00 for you not to even look at me?!
Speaking of which, luckily, they were able to call my husband (who goes into the office on my non-dialysis days) to get the payment via credit card by phone. They wouldn't bill me. And I rarely have money on hand.
So, the staff eventually left (without making eye contact), and I waited several more long minutes. The doctor eventually enters. Cheerfully and making courteous eye contact, thankfully. I like him already. He comes in confidently and competently. Immediately he does would ENT's do, I suppose.
He proceeds to check my ear (which I had a horrible ear infection that prevented me from swimming for a while). Noticing the infection, he cleans my ear out, suggesting I continue prescription my other doctor prescribed.
But what I was there for, was that since my renal condition (since 2014), I've had awful breath issues. Frequent brushing/flossing/cleaning tongue/mouthwash/gum/mints...to no relief. I've always been very meticulous about my oral hygiene, so any challenges with my mouth is concerning.
He stated that this was common in renal patients, especially with all the medications. And there was not much that can be done. Arrgh!
I like him, but was hoping he'd have some sort of solutions. Fortunately he is referring me to a Gastrointestinal doctor. Again, hoping for an immediate remedy to my bad breath.
I sat in the waiting room nervously. Usually my husband accompanies me to my medical appointments, especially all the "first time" ones.
As I was filling out all the tedious and confusing paperwork (keep in mind, I'm a stroke survivor), I was not only wondering if I was wise and accurate in what I was writing and, if I this office could "bill me".
With the medical insurance my accountant husband's company provided, our co-pay is a whopping $60.00! Calculate that with 3 or more medical visits each week, coupled with all the weekly prescription refills AND monthly medical bills overdue.
While there, I felt warm all over. The longer I waited (which was over an hour by the time I was seen), the more nervous I felt. During, I didn't feel too comfortable with my experience thus far, and I hoped that I would at least LIKE the doctor I was scheduled to see.
Finally my name was called. The staff who called my name failed to make eye contact. This always cause me pause. As I was placed in the room, more questions were asked, and she still never made eye contact. I realized some people are grossly socially challenged, but damn, I had to pay $60.00 for you not to even look at me?!
Speaking of which, luckily, they were able to call my husband (who goes into the office on my non-dialysis days) to get the payment via credit card by phone. They wouldn't bill me. And I rarely have money on hand.
So, the staff eventually left (without making eye contact), and I waited several more long minutes. The doctor eventually enters. Cheerfully and making courteous eye contact, thankfully. I like him already. He comes in confidently and competently. Immediately he does would ENT's do, I suppose.
He proceeds to check my ear (which I had a horrible ear infection that prevented me from swimming for a while). Noticing the infection, he cleans my ear out, suggesting I continue prescription my other doctor prescribed.
But what I was there for, was that since my renal condition (since 2014), I've had awful breath issues. Frequent brushing/flossing/cleaning tongue/mouthwash/gum/mints...to no relief. I've always been very meticulous about my oral hygiene, so any challenges with my mouth is concerning.
He stated that this was common in renal patients, especially with all the medications. And there was not much that can be done. Arrgh!
I like him, but was hoping he'd have some sort of solutions. Fortunately he is referring me to a Gastrointestinal doctor. Again, hoping for an immediate remedy to my bad breath.
Yesterday while out on our typical day at a family-oriented facility. I was walking to my vehicle - parked in the handicapped area. A bit of an older gentleman was slowly but barely walking assisted by his cane ahead of me. Remembering what moments were like when I was re-learning how to walk, I patiently slowed down as not to make him feel rushed or uncomfortable or embarrased.
As I carefully inched my way passed him, I noticed his shoes were untied. Not wanting him to possible trip, I brought the untied laces to his attention and even offered to tie them for him.
To my surprise, he sternly turned around, facing me and said matter-of-factly "no! I want to trip, fall and break my neck and die!"
Whoa! I did not know what to say. Rarely am I speechless. I paused. Searched my thoughts. Wondered if there was anything I could possibly say to this stranger that would show my intentions. Reveal my sincere compassion and in reality, my understanding.
I have felt that exact way countless times. Difference is, he had the bravery to say what he was thinking and what he was feeling without caring what I felt or thought. As I made my way to my vehicle, I took a deep breath. I both admired his honesty and wished him well - in my mind.
Suffering is something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Reality though is, some of us have suffered in unthinkable ways. Ways that often have us hoping for means to be out of misery. And this does not mean we do not appreciate life. It mean that death seems to be the only relief.
From personal experiences, instinctively I knew not to tell that man how to or not to feel. What to or not to believe. That's the last thing a person who is obviously suffering wants to hear is someone else's opinion on how they should feel, be or think.
May he find peace - his way.
As I carefully inched my way passed him, I noticed his shoes were untied. Not wanting him to possible trip, I brought the untied laces to his attention and even offered to tie them for him.
To my surprise, he sternly turned around, facing me and said matter-of-factly "no! I want to trip, fall and break my neck and die!"
Whoa! I did not know what to say. Rarely am I speechless. I paused. Searched my thoughts. Wondered if there was anything I could possibly say to this stranger that would show my intentions. Reveal my sincere compassion and in reality, my understanding.
I have felt that exact way countless times. Difference is, he had the bravery to say what he was thinking and what he was feeling without caring what I felt or thought. As I made my way to my vehicle, I took a deep breath. I both admired his honesty and wished him well - in my mind.
Suffering is something that we all experience at some point in our lives. Reality though is, some of us have suffered in unthinkable ways. Ways that often have us hoping for means to be out of misery. And this does not mean we do not appreciate life. It mean that death seems to be the only relief.
From personal experiences, instinctively I knew not to tell that man how to or not to feel. What to or not to believe. That's the last thing a person who is obviously suffering wants to hear is someone else's opinion on how they should feel, be or think.
May he find peace - his way.
Currently in the process of organizing my daughters messy hair accessory drawer.
Meticulously arranging the hefty assortment of colorful barrettes, hair bands, hair ribbons, hair clips, hair headbands, hair scarfs, hair bobbles... All theses accessories were collected and accumulated enthusiastically since her infancy.
Unexpectedly jarring a memory - I vividly recall coupled with the indescribable grief, the longing to buy something "girlie". Remember, my husband and I lost a beautiful, healthy daughter (2000), who died suddenly in my arms while nursing at my breast - while dining in a restaurant with my then 3 year old son and husband.
All the girlie things in the stores during that time were like knives in my heart at each sight. And I can remember all the pink in the stores, the dolls, the dresses; the plethora of decorative girlie hair accessories and wishing I had reasons to purchase. Sigh! Time and love has been my comforter.
It's amazing what simple things can make you pause and reflect. Thankfully I'm finally in a good place. Took over a decade, but I'm still here. Wiser and stronger. I feel grateful. I feel privileged.
Though my 5 foot 9, solid & strong, twelve year old (size 11 men's shoe) is no "girlie girl" (like I predicted my deceased daughter would be). She has her own sense of style. Confidently and comfortably dresses like a boy (with a taste of a feminine touch in between). Loves plaid shirts. Though she plays/competes like a typical boy, she will lovingly caress and cuddle her dad, brother and I as if we are her most treasured stuffed toys. There is a softer, sensitive side.
Amongst other things rough and tough and dirty, she knits, crochets, looms, sews. and still plays with dolls. So, these hair accessories are put to good use from time to time. Though I admit, certain days she'll let me place a ribbon in her hair. Tween now, bigger n' taller than I, regardless, she's still my subsequent cherished baby.
Meticulously arranging the hefty assortment of colorful barrettes, hair bands, hair ribbons, hair clips, hair headbands, hair scarfs, hair bobbles... All theses accessories were collected and accumulated enthusiastically since her infancy.
Unexpectedly jarring a memory - I vividly recall coupled with the indescribable grief, the longing to buy something "girlie". Remember, my husband and I lost a beautiful, healthy daughter (2000), who died suddenly in my arms while nursing at my breast - while dining in a restaurant with my then 3 year old son and husband.
All the girlie things in the stores during that time were like knives in my heart at each sight. And I can remember all the pink in the stores, the dolls, the dresses; the plethora of decorative girlie hair accessories and wishing I had reasons to purchase. Sigh! Time and love has been my comforter.
It's amazing what simple things can make you pause and reflect. Thankfully I'm finally in a good place. Took over a decade, but I'm still here. Wiser and stronger. I feel grateful. I feel privileged.
Though my 5 foot 9, solid & strong, twelve year old (size 11 men's shoe) is no "girlie girl" (like I predicted my deceased daughter would be). She has her own sense of style. Confidently and comfortably dresses like a boy (with a taste of a feminine touch in between). Loves plaid shirts. Though she plays/competes like a typical boy, she will lovingly caress and cuddle her dad, brother and I as if we are her most treasured stuffed toys. There is a softer, sensitive side.
Amongst other things rough and tough and dirty, she knits, crochets, looms, sews. and still plays with dolls. So, these hair accessories are put to good use from time to time. Though I admit, certain days she'll let me place a ribbon in her hair. Tween now, bigger n' taller than I, regardless, she's still my subsequent cherished baby.
Thursday, September 22, 2016
Today I reflected on how grateful I was in my present self-confidence. I'll be 49 - October 15th. And it took a lifetime to be where I am now emotionally.
Not only is there power in knowledge. Power in love, kindness, compassion. There is limitless power in not caring what others think about you.
Now of course, I DO care about how I treat people. Quality character is everything to me. Though my intent is to do well by others, I remain very sensitive about how others treat me. Some may assume by how outwardly strong I look on the outside, truth is, I'm very fragile.
Reflecting today revealed to me, that I'm not as fragile as I use to be (before renal failure/stroke. Before losing a child. Before a host of other life catastrophes).
What I learned about myself, I don't care. I no longer have the disease to please (honestly I lost that poison when my child died in 2000).
But what I realized today, I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not believe what they believe. Many assume, but no one really knows. And they probably never will. Am I ashamed? No. Do I feel it necessary to discuss my personal beliefs with others? No. Do I need to convert others to "my way of life/thinking"? No! Beliefs of mine are personal.
I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not parent or educate "my kids" the way they exercised their freedoms to chose. Many can be rather dogmatic about even this topic. I learned that years ago when I'd open up (in an insecure way) about my schooling choices. Or state rather or not my husband and I would vaccinate our kids. And it wasn't me going around spewing my decisions on others. Naively, if someone would ask, I'd answer - thinking we are both sharing "our choices" minus any judgement. Oh my goodness. Some people avoided or even stopped talking to me. I was so clueless.
I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not vote the way they vote. Truthfully, politically speaking... I am for peace, love and happiness for all. Live your life and respect my freedom(s) to live mine - harming none in the process. That's about the most I'll share. Why should anyone care what my politically philosophy is? If I'm not getting paid for the risk involved to share it, I chose to keep my mouth close and just listen.
There is a certain degree of freedom in freeing your body, mind and soul (self) in not caring. Not losing sleep or losing your health worrying about weather or not others will like/love you. I've observed in my lifetime lots of horrible people who manage to retain the like/love from others, despite how they treat people. Bizarre, but I'm done trying to decipher that code.
For those struggle with the same or similar emotional challenges, free yourself. Because when the time comes (lose a child or nearly lose your life or other), you'll look around. All those people, many with flawed lives or personalities of their own will be MIA (missing in action) during your hour of need. So love yourself. Love those worthy of your energy. Embrace the moment you are in with mindfulness. It's okay to be who you are. Work on those parts of yourself that need fixin. Those parts of yourself that need healin. And keep believin as you chose. Eventually you'll find the path best for you.
Not only is there power in knowledge. Power in love, kindness, compassion. There is limitless power in not caring what others think about you.
Now of course, I DO care about how I treat people. Quality character is everything to me. Though my intent is to do well by others, I remain very sensitive about how others treat me. Some may assume by how outwardly strong I look on the outside, truth is, I'm very fragile.
Reflecting today revealed to me, that I'm not as fragile as I use to be (before renal failure/stroke. Before losing a child. Before a host of other life catastrophes).
What I learned about myself, I don't care. I no longer have the disease to please (honestly I lost that poison when my child died in 2000).
But what I realized today, I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not believe what they believe. Many assume, but no one really knows. And they probably never will. Am I ashamed? No. Do I feel it necessary to discuss my personal beliefs with others? No. Do I need to convert others to "my way of life/thinking"? No! Beliefs of mine are personal.
I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not parent or educate "my kids" the way they exercised their freedoms to chose. Many can be rather dogmatic about even this topic. I learned that years ago when I'd open up (in an insecure way) about my schooling choices. Or state rather or not my husband and I would vaccinate our kids. And it wasn't me going around spewing my decisions on others. Naively, if someone would ask, I'd answer - thinking we are both sharing "our choices" minus any judgement. Oh my goodness. Some people avoided or even stopped talking to me. I was so clueless.
I am no longer concerned if others will like/love me if they learn that I may not vote the way they vote. Truthfully, politically speaking... I am for peace, love and happiness for all. Live your life and respect my freedom(s) to live mine - harming none in the process. That's about the most I'll share. Why should anyone care what my politically philosophy is? If I'm not getting paid for the risk involved to share it, I chose to keep my mouth close and just listen.
There is a certain degree of freedom in freeing your body, mind and soul (self) in not caring. Not losing sleep or losing your health worrying about weather or not others will like/love you. I've observed in my lifetime lots of horrible people who manage to retain the like/love from others, despite how they treat people. Bizarre, but I'm done trying to decipher that code.
For those struggle with the same or similar emotional challenges, free yourself. Because when the time comes (lose a child or nearly lose your life or other), you'll look around. All those people, many with flawed lives or personalities of their own will be MIA (missing in action) during your hour of need. So love yourself. Love those worthy of your energy. Embrace the moment you are in with mindfulness. It's okay to be who you are. Work on those parts of yourself that need fixin. Those parts of yourself that need healin. And keep believin as you chose. Eventually you'll find the path best for you.
Friday, September 16, 2016
Weeks ago, I was unexpectedly hospitalized. Was reluctant to be transported via ambulance from dialysis unit (where emergency occurred). Instead, my husband took me straight to the ER immediately following treatment.
Emergency was, I was having chest discomforts (tightening, difficulty breathing) during dialysis. Pain persisted for duration with no ease.
Fear rose as I remembered what happened just a year ago around this time. Same thing. Chest discomforts (but worse then) while at dialysis. That time, unit nurses exercised typical protocol. 911 called. Later, emergency workers, ended up surrounding my dialysis chair examining me.
From there, I was rushed (sirens blaring) straight to the hospital, my husband (who is always present through treatments) followed behind. *Just imagine the horror I was thinking and feeling during this frantic journey. How was my husband (of over 20 years) was thinking and feeling...
There, in the ER, and eventually hospitalized for days, several test were administered only to discover I had an aortic aneurysm. Since then, the "new" condition has been routinely monitored by my cardiologist.
This time, I was quietly worried. "Had heart issue worsened to the point of impending emergency surgery or worse, I wondered". Coupled with concerns of, "oh my! How much will all this cost? We can't afford even more medical bills at this time". We are drowning in medical debt from hospitalizations, prescriptions, doctor visits ($60.00 per visit), etc. And I'm not on disability or anything else, meaning, we are barely surviving on one income.
These thoughts kept me from initially admitting the pain I was in or, letting the dialysis staff call 911. At that time, the debt was more of a concern to me than my life. Patiently, my dear husband sat there beside me. "It's okay honey. Don't worry about the cost. Your life is more important".
The more sensible I became, fortunately. My primary focus slowly became for my well being. And the void my possible absence would grieve my husband and kids; plus others who may feel genuine love & affection for me.
Well, this ER visit, like the previous resulted in several necessary (but expensive) test and evaluations ~blood test, CT/CAT scans, EKG's, Stress test, Ultrasound, plus an extra dialysis treatment (due to the fluids injected during test. So I ended up having three dialysis treatments back-to-back - That Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) etc. Few days, hospitalized. And thankfully, everything came back negative. Slowly, but surely closer to wellness now.
Emergency was, I was having chest discomforts (tightening, difficulty breathing) during dialysis. Pain persisted for duration with no ease.
Fear rose as I remembered what happened just a year ago around this time. Same thing. Chest discomforts (but worse then) while at dialysis. That time, unit nurses exercised typical protocol. 911 called. Later, emergency workers, ended up surrounding my dialysis chair examining me.
From there, I was rushed (sirens blaring) straight to the hospital, my husband (who is always present through treatments) followed behind. *Just imagine the horror I was thinking and feeling during this frantic journey. How was my husband (of over 20 years) was thinking and feeling...
There, in the ER, and eventually hospitalized for days, several test were administered only to discover I had an aortic aneurysm. Since then, the "new" condition has been routinely monitored by my cardiologist.
This time, I was quietly worried. "Had heart issue worsened to the point of impending emergency surgery or worse, I wondered". Coupled with concerns of, "oh my! How much will all this cost? We can't afford even more medical bills at this time". We are drowning in medical debt from hospitalizations, prescriptions, doctor visits ($60.00 per visit), etc. And I'm not on disability or anything else, meaning, we are barely surviving on one income.
These thoughts kept me from initially admitting the pain I was in or, letting the dialysis staff call 911. At that time, the debt was more of a concern to me than my life. Patiently, my dear husband sat there beside me. "It's okay honey. Don't worry about the cost. Your life is more important".
The more sensible I became, fortunately. My primary focus slowly became for my well being. And the void my possible absence would grieve my husband and kids; plus others who may feel genuine love & affection for me.
Well, this ER visit, like the previous resulted in several necessary (but expensive) test and evaluations ~blood test, CT/CAT scans, EKG's, Stress test, Ultrasound, plus an extra dialysis treatment (due to the fluids injected during test. So I ended up having three dialysis treatments back-to-back - That Wednesday, Thursday and Friday) etc. Few days, hospitalized. And thankfully, everything came back negative. Slowly, but surely closer to wellness now.
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