just returned home from an early morning swim. on non dialysis days, i get up at 5 am. head to the gym. since i'm still healing from a toe fracture, i've been swimming only. no machine circuits and no biking for the time being. i stay in the pool for about an hour in a half. swimming laps back and forth the entire time. resting for a few seconds in between. then whirlpool, shower, steam, shower, steam. moisturize.

[there was a time when i was repulsed at the idea of utilizing public wet facilities. but a near death experience can rid one of possible ocd proclivities and promote fearless and mindful living]

remember, i had my first swim lesson last summer. a stranger surprised me with this paid lesson. i guess this unknown person witnessed my efforts in the pool.

i would try to do what i read in swim books and viewed on youtube, as lessons were unaffordable then and now. from that one lesson though, plus another surprise lesson i've practiced technique each time i was privileged the opportunity.

minor health setbacks kept me out of the pool longer than i would have liked. but once wellness resurfaced i was back in the pool as soon as possible. i feel so free.

today, i was so happy. so proud of what i've accomplished thus far in the water. i'm rambling. time for a nap.

my comfort level is remarkable. for the longest i could not comprehend the breathing while swimming. everything about breathing while kicking, while this, while that was so complicated, yet i was determined.

and today, i must say. my determination paid off. "I'M SWIMMING!"

Received my dialysis lab results today. They take all the necessary labs monthly. Also, certain ones are taken twice per month.

This month, my labs were satisfactory except for one, which has been high some time now. Phosphorus. Phosphorus is found in most if not all foods, but higher in some. On the renal diet (until I get a kidney) I am to AVOID high phosphorus foods such as: milk, cheese/dairy, dried beans nuts, chocolate and colas.

I LOVE cheese. Cheese has been my primary weakness most of my life. And giving it up, even if it can potentially kill me has been my obstacle.

The range is normally 2.5 - 5.5. February it was 6.2. March it is 6.2, meaning I haven't learned from the previous month. For me, these readings are like a school report card. Typically a disciplined person,  I usually aim for excellence (as I've encouraged my kids). What's the lesson for me in this rut I feel stuck in?

Today I could tell when my awesome dietitian was slowly approaching me with several lab sheets in her hand that I wasn't going to been happy with the results. I couldn't slyly escape, walk away as I had several minutes left on the dialysis machine. Sigh.

On top of this, I've been craving a huge glass of chocolate milk - which I've been avoiding until I received excellent results on my labs. Looks like I've been indulging in too much of the other forbidden foods. Reality is, I'll never be privileged a big glass of anything, especially chocolate... not with these defected kidneys.

Perhaps the stress I've been subject to lately has been weakening my self-control. Despite my current challenges, I'm confident that I'll soon find my way.

Presently I'm in the midst of an uphill battle. Exhausting myself beyond my limits in order to stay emotionally and physically healthy. As written in a previous post, my mother (estranged) is not well. And since I'm her only child, others are contacting me. Dilemma is, she's kept me out of her life, as well as any of her personal business. She's well off, and has the means to have an abundantly stable and satisfactory life, but chooses/creates chaos and drama instead.

Degrees of downright foolishness has been going on with her my entire life. Just when I became conscious, and less afraid. I simply removed myself. For me and my immediate families well being.

And now, my peace and tranquility is being interrupted. In the beginning, which is days ago, while trying to find resources while gaining more insight into her dangerous world. I got my head bit right off. She called and savagely laid into me. "Stay away from me. I don't need you" amongst many other scary obscenities which I dare not list in my blog. Her vicious rant concluded with her traditional, "have a blessed day". Despite her abuse and neglect, she's always been hyper-religious. Had me in constant paralyzing fear of her and the Lord most of my life.

When it comes to me, she reveals more of who she is when she thinks no one is listening. However, this night my husband can hear her loud, abrasive chastisement over the phone.

Paraphrased: "Why do you put up with this? Doesn't she know you are not well?" He went on, "only I'm going to have to care for you when you completely fall apart. Like usual, she's not going to care". He concluded, "start speaking up for yourself. Other times you won't let anyone pounce over you like that".

Now my husband never ever voices his opinion on matters such as these. He's just there, picking up the pieces and loving me through whatever it is. But this is hard. He's been watching me fall completely apart over her well being. Watched my unconditional compassion as I try to search for quality resources for her individual circumstances.

Watched me collapse at the end of the day. Witnessed the sleepless nights. The upset stomach. The sea of tears. The wondering, "what can I do?"

He's watched me be impatient with him and our twelve year old daughter. They are getting the brunt of my anguish. My fears. They are unfairly experiencing the wrath [my mother] should very well feel.

The intent for this update was to blog about how my day was much more peaceful, ironically. After her last tongue-lashing, I sorta let go. Re-estrange myself.

Fortunately I have peace in my world. Privileged an awesome husband. Incredible kids. Quality friendships & relationships. Reside in a safe and family-oriented community. Great doctors.

I'm focusing on what's good in my world. I've already spent a lifetime healing from a hellish childhood. And I dare not go backwards simply because a few may be judging my staying away from her. Yet "they" don't want to deal with her. "They" may not help my husband (in the darkness of the night) help me -- get through an episode of intense grief.

My father has been an amazing support throughout this. He wasn't present in my youth, but he's here now, for which I'm immensely grateful. I absolutely adore him. The contrast between him and my mother is glaring. But... I'm here as a result of the both of them.

I digress. This day was great. I slept through my entire dialysis treatment at 4 am. Three hours. I slept peacefully that night before. I really need rest and peace in order to continue surviving this renal/stroke condition.

Unfortunately I've been nibbling and craving the foods I can not have -- cheese, potatoes, tomatoes, avocados, bananas, ice cream, peanut butter, oranges/juice; even chocolate milk. According to the Renal Diet (google), certain foods are forbidden. I've been told as well as I've researched the risk involved if I consume. But lately, in particular I've noticed, either I don't care or I'm not paying attention or I just welcome death at that moment. No, I don't want to die. But I do want to escape. And food has been an affordable means to do so.