All I want to do is EAT!
Go to bed thinking about food. Wake up (just now) thinking about food. This was never my state of being before. Ever. What's happening now? I'm scared.
My stomach is already starting to descend. My hands feel tight but don't look swollen. But my eyes are puffy. So far, my feet are fine, no swelling there. I don't know what to do, besides stop eating (not totally, but you understand what I mean, not as much).
Still learning about my condition. I'm reluctant to write concrete details due to my ignorance. So I'll write with the suggestion, "research..." *Currently reading and researching...
Research dry weight (dialysis related). I'm starting to get silently paranoid about every time I go to dialysis (3 days a week/3 hours each visit. Forever, or until... Sage "gets" a kidney), Each visit before my treatment I'm weighed. Imagine that for a moment. Actually seeing and monitoring your weight a few times a week! Needing to keep it within a certain range - and not go over, thus you may have painful consequences for the full three yours on the dialysis machine (which has been "my" experience), or even worse. And I don't want to see what that "worse" may be. I'm scared. Still... all I want to do is eat. And drink.
I love to drink iced water. Brewed iced tea. Fresh squeezed, pulp filled orange juice (which I can't have - see renal diet). If I go over my liquid intake, I'm in trouble health wise. Research - liquid restriction while on dialysis. All I want to do is drink, which could mean, I ate too much salt (which I can't have - research renal diet). So in my head, I'm like, "oh sh-t!" most of the time.
It's now Saturday (Memorial Day weekend). Again, I woke up thinking about food. Requested to my husband we go to one of my favorite places today - Farmers Market. Being home bodies and frugal (i.e. gas), our local FM is the one we frequent the most. Open to venturing out to the others when time and energy (and money) provides. I'm happiest in the most free[est], natural[est] places with the most culturally diverse crowd. I absolutely LOVE observing and meeting new people. Listening to all the different dialects and trying to figure the origin of each. Noticing how the various groups of families and couples interact. Talking to strangers as if we were friends. Seeing and learning new things and hopefully getting smarter and possibly attracting new quality friendships in the process.
As soon as I'm done with this blog entry, we are on way out to our adventure. At the FM tasting bits of the this/that I can't have (renal diet), like sampling the cheese. Oh wait, the cheese guy is there just on Tuesdays. Hmm, what can I taste on Saturday. Oh, the forbidden oranges, the nuts; and other foods and fruits. At this particular market, the fruit taste like juicy candies in my mouth. All that flavor is seducing to my taste buds. I get happier there.
All I want to do is eat. I woke up craving this Hawaiian wok BBQ chicken bowl there. Which I haven't had in over a year now. It's very yummy. Comes with grilled chicken, white rice, zucchini and pineapples. Today I'm going to have mine with the chicken, and the zucchini. Maybe add the pineapples. I'd want extra BBQ sauce, but that may not be the smartest decision considering the sodium intake. Watching the salt is the extra challenge and risk of eating out.
Um, maybe I'll have a fruity drink from the Salvadorian vendor. Pulpy, lots of fresh fruits inside - I think it's called a fruit punch type drink - Fresco Ensalada. Or maybe a simple lemonade w/little ice will suffice. We can all get a drink from each place then we'll share.
I don't/we don't really cook so eating is not as fun within my family. My daughter is a budding cook and loves to eat, so we're looking forward to the day when she is comfy and efficient in the kitchen.
Any day with my husband and kids makes me feel.. wealthy. With my son being away at college, it's the three of us, my daughter, hubby and myself. Today we'll do something basic but fun. Just be together. Spending little to no money, but spending what's quality - time together.
I can remember not too long ago, when my therapist (LOVED them) would take me to the FM for therapy. And I'd "try" to walk as much as I could. Even with the walker, it was challenging. Trying to speak (which had been totally lost for months) to all my friends - who were the vendors and fellow shoppers. I can remember the joy felt all over my body, was like positive energy radiating through me ~ to share space and be visually vulnerable with genuine folk. It must have been love felt - love is what got me here, I believe.
Speaking of which, I love love Anthony Bourdain. Google him. He is a chef who travels all over the world tasting food. His TV show, "Anthony Bourdain: Parts Unknown" and show, "Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations" are my favorites. Being without the financial or health means to travel, I go all over the world, eating with him - in my "mind" of course. Yeah, Bourdain and I travel all over, mingling with the locals, learning about dietary customs among different cultures. We have absolutely a fantastic time laughing, exploring, learning, EATING, drinking, listening,... all in my mind. In my lifetime, before it's over, I hope to have the means, the resources, the kidney to travel.
that's all for now,
Sage
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Friday, May 22, 2015
Brace yourself for a possible melancholy rant. A momma bear's anguish...
Learned my qualified daughter didn't make Little League All Stars this season. She has repeatedly been passed up - despite skill level since she started playing. This season in particular really has my husband and I baffled considering her overall performance - powerful, peaceful, productive. positive.
Though she's a naturally formidable athlete -- can hit. Can catch. Can run. Can throw. Pitching strong and evolving. Competent infield AND outfield. Amazing first baseman. A team player willing to play where she's needed - while maintaining a pleasant attitude. Sportsmanlike - win or lose. Will lose like a winner. Supportive, Encouraging, uplifting (not critical) of her teammates.
Respectful to her coaches - listens, applies. Coach[able]. Proper etiquette: makes eye contact while giving a firm handshake. Shows gratitude and responds well to constructive criticism. Adaptive. Let's the coaches coach. Has a good attitude. Never the troublemaker or the annoyance. Never one who constantly complains /cries/whines/grunts/throws a tantrum... or initiate conflict, Never disturbs practice or game with extreme negativity or disturbing foolishness.
Always focused, pays attention; is passionate about competing and learning. Intelligent and affable. Sincere.Wants to play. The kind of player most coaches wish they had (many of her coaches have expressed trying to get her on their team!).
I lay this all out respectfully, thoughtfully while trying to clarify my perplexity. I'm no baseball enthusiast. I retain no expert knowledge of the game. Maybe the ambition in this case is having weaker players on the team as some sort of clever strategy. And if she was somehow miraculously chosen, I wouldn't want her to end up riding the bench (which was the case several seasons ago) so that one or two chosen players can shine. I wouldn't want her being ridiculed and singled out by any negative player who may try to torment her, making her wish she didn't play due to the cruelty.
Maybe her strength is much too powerful and she needs to dumb herself down a bit (I know this is sometimes the case in academia). Maybe the constant denial into All Stars is a gentle push into "softball". But then again, there have been/and are girls chosen to All Stars as well. I don't know!
Maybe my husband and I were suppose to do some out-of-character brown nosing to guarantee her an opportunity. One to always be oblivious to gossip or chatter, this is one time I wish I knew something tawdry.Wished I were cooler, more hip. Forgive the sarcasm as I'm only attempting to make sense of this ordeal. I don't and probably will never know what happened. Chances are, she'll want to continue playing even after hearing this unjust news. She's tough - mentally and physically. Fearless.
Truly, I prefer her just walk away. Don't play anymore. Choose some solitary sport like tennis. She's an awesome golfer, why not focus there exclusively? Not being one to force my will on my kids, she has the freedom to choose. I'm just along for the exciting but occasionally painful ride. Sigh.
Of course, I was absent during most of the year due to health challenges, but I inquire. I get information in my own way. I quietly observe (my kid and others). My heart breaks. She loves the game so much. She even successfully competed in 2014 during my months of hospitalization. She played through the hardship without taking her pain out on others. It was just us - surviving.
How are we going to tell her? I hate not being able to protect her. Rather than shield her from something that will benefit her in the long run, I'll take the chance. Inform her of the facts I know.
*Wish the powers that be, the ones responsible for her not being selected -- had to look her in the eye and explain exactly why she wasn't chosen-- and then also explain why every other player was chosen. Compare other players performance and their attitudes to hers - in detail - to her face. Wish this was an open discussion for all so no potential cowards can hide pretending to be clueless. Why leave the harder work solely up to the parents? Send the All Star list to all Little League parents/participants. Allow everyone (include those who always complement her) to see her name missing. Identify yourselves and welcome everyone to question your choices.
Momma Bear
This is not a kid who was forced to play because mommy or daddy played or wanted to play. This is "her" sport. Hers alone.. Her dad and I just contribute financially and support her in every other way possible. We monitor her character in the process as you gain insight into a person's psyche by the way they compete. Observe how they win, how they lose. Notice how they treat their teammates, their opponents. What are they saying/doing to others? Are they being honest? How do they allow others to treat them - are they assertive or are they passive? Are they one of the mean ones or the nicer ones? Are they manipulative? and who are they manipulating? Do they honor and respect their superior (their coaches)? Are they respectful to others (especially other adults)? Do they gossip and slander their teammates or do the listen to gossip/slander? Are they volatile or are they calm? Will they cost the whole team the game with negative outburst or do they control themselves?
Through it all - one can observe what's being taught or allowed in the privacy of homes.
Are they selfish or selfless? Can they be counted on? All this and more can be seen by the way a person plays a game. Practices instilled (and mirrored) by their parents can be brought to the light as well. One can learn more about the parents by watching the kid, I believe, to some degree. Some factors can take president in some cases. But overall, how is negativity handled?
She rattles incessantly about everything baseball throughout every single day. Practicing things she feels she needs to work on. Going over something her coach has instructed. Reading baseball books borrowed from the library. Watching instructional You Tube videos. Engulfing herself into MLB games. She works out at our local gym - cardio/weight training - building strength and endurance and flexibility (I use to be a certified fitness instructor in the 80's). What I know, my kids will know.
She even includes aspects of the game in her daily journal - self-awareness, social experiences, problems/solutions, concerns/fears, the game/practices, performance challenges/successes, drills, strategies, fundamentals, goals (earning All Star this season was a goal she wrote last year)... I wonder if the selected players do half as much to stay mentally and physically fit.
I wish those doing the selecting didn't have a kid competing and could be more unbiased and objective. More fair minded in decision making. I'm trying not to assume or be guided by emotion. Just wondering and piecing things together in my head. Again, if this were your kid. What would you think or do? When All Star games are played, and the weakest link is obvious, will they think about - unwisely failing to pick my qualified daughter or will they arrogantly/mindlessly carry on with no consciousness.
I'd want to sit and watch some of the All Star games. Let them see her sitting in the crowd.
Figured her age may be the reason. But there are other players her same age or older that made the roster. I don't know. Why was she overlooked - again?! What is she doing or not doing?
I'd rather not speculate. My stomach was instantly in knots upon reading the email minus her name. And every time I think about it I feel sick. Lamenting in my blog is my way of coping. If any of those other parents - qualified kid - was repeatedly denied, perhaps they'd understand my lament.
Just hope this, Susan Lucci moment, is nothing personal. Our family has routinely shown unwavering quality character since the beginning. Any possible grievances are unknown. We have no negative feelings about anyone. We've been a loyal part of this league for years. And I present an open demeanor conducive to constructive approach, as I like to handle things head-on then, move on.
Reflecting: I noticed some coaches kids names - seem to always be on the All Star lineup. Some qualify. Some, I'm not so sure. Possible coincidence. But is it? Again, I don't know.
Haven't told her yet. It's currently Memorial Day weekend so we have time. Doubt if I'll let her see the actual All Star roster. Don't want her to compare herself. Unhealthy. What we saw, glaring suspicious choices might be too infuriating to view. Especially since she performed her best. Gave 100% in performance and in attitude. Exemplified exceptional character. Superior talent overlooked.
Who is the source responsible for this?!
What I know is, times when my husband and I coached our kids teams, we were fair in our decision making. Our goal wasn't to make our kid the star player with an inflated ego. But was to contribute to every kids lives in a positive way while sharing our knowledge of the sport. Coached the entire team without favoring any player. When we coached, no one was singled out.
Both being outside the "cliche", the in crowd as kids ourselves, we know how it feels to be ostracized (or denied) from something you may deserve. Never favorably giving our kid any special treatment (if not, we rode our kid harder knowing their potential). There was no vindictiveness towards someone else's kid - whatever position our kid played, they earned it. Most of the time, whether or not our kid earned it, we gave the position to another kid ~ so they'll advance in skill. We knew that not being able to get what you want all the time - to be benched some of the time - would make our kids better in the long run. Favoring them does damage. And our kid knew better not to whine or beg or act ugly. I believe, whatever is tolerated at home, the kids will publicly do.
I believe some parents who are coaches too - are doing their kid a disservice - placating, pandering, or placing them on a athletic pedestal. This form of nepotism only abuses their power in neglecting the team and/or taints their reputation in terms of being truthful & honorable.
And in the end, potentially transforms or creates a selfish-snotty snob of a little person who grows up considering themselves unreasonably superior to their peers (or is envious of others who are better than); one who only cares about themselves, their well being thus - contributing absolutely nothing of substance to society. We create more beggars and whiners pouting for something (adulation) for nothing. Strangers will be expected to suffer dealing with the brat the parents/coaches cultivated.
I mean, who enjoys interacting with selfish-snotty snob adults? You know, these adults were once kids and who knows what type of parenting (neglectful or permissive) created this personality trait.
Just hate when my kids enjoyment is being sacrificed or sabotaged because some adult is making up for not being the popular kid in school. The more I wonder, the more pessimistic thoughts take root.
We all are role models in some capacity. This is why it is imperative to stay conscious of our thoughts, our behaviors when dealing with our own, or someone else's kid. Possible hidden resentments demonstrates a lack of maturity or social intelligence necessary to lead anyone.
I digressed repeatedly as I recognize the more I write, this is something bigger than a trivial All Star status. What I am trying to convey, everything is connected. And whatever issues one might have (either from their childhood or currently in their personal life) can easily seep into the lives of the innocent. What I do is try to have compassion and not take things personally. Every unpleasant occurrence does not have anything to do with me. One could bang their heads against bricks trying to figure out what they could have done differently to avoid a type of rejection or omission. "Was it me or was it them?" Reality is, we may never know the going on's behind closed doors unless we're privileged a temporary transformation into a fly on a wall..
They may smile, but may hate you for some unknown reason beyond your control. Sad, but true. And they'll manifest their secret nefarious resentment(s) repeatedly for as long as they have access to your well-being while in consideration making decisions - on your behalf - if in the position. So I hope this is not the case with my child. Not now, she's too young to have to learn this huge lesson - about what's awaiting in this unfair world. Though tough, behind closed doors, she's a Care Bear. A Sweet heart who loves & laughs. Her world is not this ugly place and she'll exclaim that.
We'll turn this disappointment into something positive. Go out to eat, maybe. Find some tasty BBQ meal somewhere affordable since we're not the best cooks. Discern and remedy her feelings (which I'm sure she'll hide for awhile. She'll put on a strong front, but a mother knows...). Discuss plans to do something valuable - with that free time she'll now have. Finish this playoff season strong and introspectively. Manipulators me try...Stay in the Zone. Maintain a positive attitude through out. Contribute to a winning season. Apply any unsorted anger to her game performance positively.
Remaining practices and games have to be sharp, pristine. Let all the spectators she the excluded champ. Be even more spectacular. Don't weaken from this. Flex those super herion muscles baby!
Congratulate All Star teammates who may possibly insensitively boast & brag or get in your head. Be pleasant, holding no hostility whatsoever. Expect, but do not condemn ~ yet forgive childish behavior immersing from a child; and/or an immature adult.
Make sure "you" remember what this moment feels like for future reference. Re-set goals for yourself. Play even harder next time. Get better and better. Someday you'll get your chance to be celebratory. One day soon you'll be fairly recognized for something you wholeheartedly earned. Unfortunately, this was not your time. But some day will be yours, my child.
In the meantime gain wisdom from it. Build upon your natural courage and compassion; and self-control and containment. Use this experience as a source of enlightenment, power, tenacity, resilience. Excel, becoming even greater more excellent. Be the champion I know you are. Someday you'll be more grateful for the person or persons choice not to choose you.
You never know who is watching, who is listening. Always behave and speak as if all eyes and ears are on you. Leave no confusion as to who or what you are. Be of quality character - always. Shine!
Exercise discipline and don't take this personal - for it has NOTHING to do with you. Just practice and perfect genuine kindness and understanding and most importantly, forgiveness. Because honestly, at the core of most situations, upon digging deeper, you'll discover nothing is ever really personal. Especially when you've been/done your best. Had integrity and healthy intentions.
Everyone is not going to like/love you. For reasons only they know. Just be you - change what needs to change because we all should self-improve. But never for any person. For you - only.
By no means will she quit. She's too talented. Dilemma is, if we decide it's best we close the chapter on this league, where will/can she go next? Will this repeat itself elsewhere? How can we resolve it?
We've always prepared ourselves for the time - people tell us about - when the boys will eventually get too strong.They will out perform her. It's frequently suggested, she should transfer to softball (which she detest).*Will we begin suggesting that men who play softball quit and play baseball instead? even if baseball is not their interest, keep questioning them about "their" choices? Wondering...
For her, the sky is the limit. She'll make athletic adjustments on her terms. She participates in several other sports - baseball has always been her favorite. Her parents have her back totally I'm sure she finds comfort in that. We were just hoping this season, she would have finally earned what she undeniably deserved. As a mom, just hope there's no agenda or mean-spiritness looming in the atmosphere at play here. Of course - at most will be done - is take our funds elsewhere, if need be. She has left a positive mark. More and more girls will hopefully play.
I believe my daughter could very well be the first female baseball player to go pro. Ignoring her will not be deter or hold her back or discourage her. There is a future star in this league and she is it (or one of them). She will: Keep training. Keep building skills. Keep advancing. Somebody will eventually notice. Just stay focused. Don't let negativity penetrate. Positive thoughts.
She first requested to play when she was two. Thinking she was confused, we suggested softball. "No!", she declared. "The small, white ball". When she turned six, nervously we signed her up. She was going to compete with the boys. Was going to be in the dugout totally hidden from the protective, vigilant eye of mommy. I had to "let go" quickly soon after she was born. She entered this world determined. Focused. Unafraid. Risky. Traits that can't be taught. Words cannot express how much I admired her then, as I am in awe of her today. With unbreakable confidence and courage, constantly she blast through things I would have never dared do when I was her age. Often times I ask my husband, "where did she come from?"
There will be many more All Stars type opportunities in her future. I'm confident she'll someday get the recognition due. She has more time to advance.To develop. Get more hours in the school of life.
May she learn the beneficial lessons in this disappointment. Remain grateful for the opportunity, the freedom to step foot on the field/to wear a uniform/to be in the dugout. To hear the crowd cheer her on .To have genuine support from your male peers. They'll never forget having had her as their teammate. Every moment in time is special, it just depends on your perspective.
Be thankful the lessons from this devastating experience did not break you, but made you more resilient in your youth. Be thankful you were not physically wounded in the process. The possible emotional scar will soon heal, but the lesson will live on, like the memory - blossoming lasting wisdom from the deepest part of you.. Be thankful your parents ~ both mom and dad are right here for you. Will embrace you. You can always count on us. Even when you may stumble or fail.
Will remind her that we are proud - win or lose. "We" see her light. We love and support her minus any conditions. We remain thankful she was born and we will forever be ~ honored to be her parents.
Feel kinda better now. Thanks for listening (reading)!
That's all,
Sage
Learned my qualified daughter didn't make Little League All Stars this season. She has repeatedly been passed up - despite skill level since she started playing. This season in particular really has my husband and I baffled considering her overall performance - powerful, peaceful, productive. positive.
Though she's a naturally formidable athlete -- can hit. Can catch. Can run. Can throw. Pitching strong and evolving. Competent infield AND outfield. Amazing first baseman. A team player willing to play where she's needed - while maintaining a pleasant attitude. Sportsmanlike - win or lose. Will lose like a winner. Supportive, Encouraging, uplifting (not critical) of her teammates.
Respectful to her coaches - listens, applies. Coach[able]. Proper etiquette: makes eye contact while giving a firm handshake. Shows gratitude and responds well to constructive criticism. Adaptive. Let's the coaches coach. Has a good attitude. Never the troublemaker or the annoyance. Never one who constantly complains /cries/whines/grunts/throws a tantrum... or initiate conflict, Never disturbs practice or game with extreme negativity or disturbing foolishness.
Always focused, pays attention; is passionate about competing and learning. Intelligent and affable. Sincere.Wants to play. The kind of player most coaches wish they had (many of her coaches have expressed trying to get her on their team!).
I lay this all out respectfully, thoughtfully while trying to clarify my perplexity. I'm no baseball enthusiast. I retain no expert knowledge of the game. Maybe the ambition in this case is having weaker players on the team as some sort of clever strategy. And if she was somehow miraculously chosen, I wouldn't want her to end up riding the bench (which was the case several seasons ago) so that one or two chosen players can shine. I wouldn't want her being ridiculed and singled out by any negative player who may try to torment her, making her wish she didn't play due to the cruelty.
Maybe her strength is much too powerful and she needs to dumb herself down a bit (I know this is sometimes the case in academia). Maybe the constant denial into All Stars is a gentle push into "softball". But then again, there have been/and are girls chosen to All Stars as well. I don't know!
Maybe my husband and I were suppose to do some out-of-character brown nosing to guarantee her an opportunity. One to always be oblivious to gossip or chatter, this is one time I wish I knew something tawdry.Wished I were cooler, more hip. Forgive the sarcasm as I'm only attempting to make sense of this ordeal. I don't and probably will never know what happened. Chances are, she'll want to continue playing even after hearing this unjust news. She's tough - mentally and physically. Fearless.
Truly, I prefer her just walk away. Don't play anymore. Choose some solitary sport like tennis. She's an awesome golfer, why not focus there exclusively? Not being one to force my will on my kids, she has the freedom to choose. I'm just along for the exciting but occasionally painful ride. Sigh.
Of course, I was absent during most of the year due to health challenges, but I inquire. I get information in my own way. I quietly observe (my kid and others). My heart breaks. She loves the game so much. She even successfully competed in 2014 during my months of hospitalization. She played through the hardship without taking her pain out on others. It was just us - surviving.
How are we going to tell her? I hate not being able to protect her. Rather than shield her from something that will benefit her in the long run, I'll take the chance. Inform her of the facts I know.
*Wish the powers that be, the ones responsible for her not being selected -- had to look her in the eye and explain exactly why she wasn't chosen-- and then also explain why every other player was chosen. Compare other players performance and their attitudes to hers - in detail - to her face. Wish this was an open discussion for all so no potential cowards can hide pretending to be clueless. Why leave the harder work solely up to the parents? Send the All Star list to all Little League parents/participants. Allow everyone (include those who always complement her) to see her name missing. Identify yourselves and welcome everyone to question your choices.
Momma Bear
This is not a kid who was forced to play because mommy or daddy played or wanted to play. This is "her" sport. Hers alone.. Her dad and I just contribute financially and support her in every other way possible. We monitor her character in the process as you gain insight into a person's psyche by the way they compete. Observe how they win, how they lose. Notice how they treat their teammates, their opponents. What are they saying/doing to others? Are they being honest? How do they allow others to treat them - are they assertive or are they passive? Are they one of the mean ones or the nicer ones? Are they manipulative? and who are they manipulating? Do they honor and respect their superior (their coaches)? Are they respectful to others (especially other adults)? Do they gossip and slander their teammates or do the listen to gossip/slander? Are they volatile or are they calm? Will they cost the whole team the game with negative outburst or do they control themselves?
Through it all - one can observe what's being taught or allowed in the privacy of homes.
Are they selfish or selfless? Can they be counted on? All this and more can be seen by the way a person plays a game. Practices instilled (and mirrored) by their parents can be brought to the light as well. One can learn more about the parents by watching the kid, I believe, to some degree. Some factors can take president in some cases. But overall, how is negativity handled?
She rattles incessantly about everything baseball throughout every single day. Practicing things she feels she needs to work on. Going over something her coach has instructed. Reading baseball books borrowed from the library. Watching instructional You Tube videos. Engulfing herself into MLB games. She works out at our local gym - cardio/weight training - building strength and endurance and flexibility (I use to be a certified fitness instructor in the 80's). What I know, my kids will know.
She even includes aspects of the game in her daily journal - self-awareness, social experiences, problems/solutions, concerns/fears, the game/practices, performance challenges/successes, drills, strategies, fundamentals, goals (earning All Star this season was a goal she wrote last year)... I wonder if the selected players do half as much to stay mentally and physically fit.
I wish those doing the selecting didn't have a kid competing and could be more unbiased and objective. More fair minded in decision making. I'm trying not to assume or be guided by emotion. Just wondering and piecing things together in my head. Again, if this were your kid. What would you think or do? When All Star games are played, and the weakest link is obvious, will they think about - unwisely failing to pick my qualified daughter or will they arrogantly/mindlessly carry on with no consciousness.
I'd want to sit and watch some of the All Star games. Let them see her sitting in the crowd.
Figured her age may be the reason. But there are other players her same age or older that made the roster. I don't know. Why was she overlooked - again?! What is she doing or not doing?
I'd rather not speculate. My stomach was instantly in knots upon reading the email minus her name. And every time I think about it I feel sick. Lamenting in my blog is my way of coping. If any of those other parents - qualified kid - was repeatedly denied, perhaps they'd understand my lament.
Just hope this, Susan Lucci moment, is nothing personal. Our family has routinely shown unwavering quality character since the beginning. Any possible grievances are unknown. We have no negative feelings about anyone. We've been a loyal part of this league for years. And I present an open demeanor conducive to constructive approach, as I like to handle things head-on then, move on.
Reflecting: I noticed some coaches kids names - seem to always be on the All Star lineup. Some qualify. Some, I'm not so sure. Possible coincidence. But is it? Again, I don't know.
Haven't told her yet. It's currently Memorial Day weekend so we have time. Doubt if I'll let her see the actual All Star roster. Don't want her to compare herself. Unhealthy. What we saw, glaring suspicious choices might be too infuriating to view. Especially since she performed her best. Gave 100% in performance and in attitude. Exemplified exceptional character. Superior talent overlooked.
Who is the source responsible for this?!
What I know is, times when my husband and I coached our kids teams, we were fair in our decision making. Our goal wasn't to make our kid the star player with an inflated ego. But was to contribute to every kids lives in a positive way while sharing our knowledge of the sport. Coached the entire team without favoring any player. When we coached, no one was singled out.
Both being outside the "cliche", the in crowd as kids ourselves, we know how it feels to be ostracized (or denied) from something you may deserve. Never favorably giving our kid any special treatment (if not, we rode our kid harder knowing their potential). There was no vindictiveness towards someone else's kid - whatever position our kid played, they earned it. Most of the time, whether or not our kid earned it, we gave the position to another kid ~ so they'll advance in skill. We knew that not being able to get what you want all the time - to be benched some of the time - would make our kids better in the long run. Favoring them does damage. And our kid knew better not to whine or beg or act ugly. I believe, whatever is tolerated at home, the kids will publicly do.
I believe some parents who are coaches too - are doing their kid a disservice - placating, pandering, or placing them on a athletic pedestal. This form of nepotism only abuses their power in neglecting the team and/or taints their reputation in terms of being truthful & honorable.
And in the end, potentially transforms or creates a selfish-snotty snob of a little person who grows up considering themselves unreasonably superior to their peers (or is envious of others who are better than); one who only cares about themselves, their well being thus - contributing absolutely nothing of substance to society. We create more beggars and whiners pouting for something (adulation) for nothing. Strangers will be expected to suffer dealing with the brat the parents/coaches cultivated.
I mean, who enjoys interacting with selfish-snotty snob adults? You know, these adults were once kids and who knows what type of parenting (neglectful or permissive) created this personality trait.
Just hate when my kids enjoyment is being sacrificed or sabotaged because some adult is making up for not being the popular kid in school. The more I wonder, the more pessimistic thoughts take root.
We all are role models in some capacity. This is why it is imperative to stay conscious of our thoughts, our behaviors when dealing with our own, or someone else's kid. Possible hidden resentments demonstrates a lack of maturity or social intelligence necessary to lead anyone.
I digressed repeatedly as I recognize the more I write, this is something bigger than a trivial All Star status. What I am trying to convey, everything is connected. And whatever issues one might have (either from their childhood or currently in their personal life) can easily seep into the lives of the innocent. What I do is try to have compassion and not take things personally. Every unpleasant occurrence does not have anything to do with me. One could bang their heads against bricks trying to figure out what they could have done differently to avoid a type of rejection or omission. "Was it me or was it them?" Reality is, we may never know the going on's behind closed doors unless we're privileged a temporary transformation into a fly on a wall..
They may smile, but may hate you for some unknown reason beyond your control. Sad, but true. And they'll manifest their secret nefarious resentment(s) repeatedly for as long as they have access to your well-being while in consideration making decisions - on your behalf - if in the position. So I hope this is not the case with my child. Not now, she's too young to have to learn this huge lesson - about what's awaiting in this unfair world. Though tough, behind closed doors, she's a Care Bear. A Sweet heart who loves & laughs. Her world is not this ugly place and she'll exclaim that.
We'll turn this disappointment into something positive. Go out to eat, maybe. Find some tasty BBQ meal somewhere affordable since we're not the best cooks. Discern and remedy her feelings (which I'm sure she'll hide for awhile. She'll put on a strong front, but a mother knows...). Discuss plans to do something valuable - with that free time she'll now have. Finish this playoff season strong and introspectively. Manipulators me try...Stay in the Zone. Maintain a positive attitude through out. Contribute to a winning season. Apply any unsorted anger to her game performance positively.
Remaining practices and games have to be sharp, pristine. Let all the spectators she the excluded champ. Be even more spectacular. Don't weaken from this. Flex those super herion muscles baby!
Congratulate All Star teammates who may possibly insensitively boast & brag or get in your head. Be pleasant, holding no hostility whatsoever. Expect, but do not condemn ~ yet forgive childish behavior immersing from a child; and/or an immature adult.
Make sure "you" remember what this moment feels like for future reference. Re-set goals for yourself. Play even harder next time. Get better and better. Someday you'll get your chance to be celebratory. One day soon you'll be fairly recognized for something you wholeheartedly earned. Unfortunately, this was not your time. But some day will be yours, my child.
In the meantime gain wisdom from it. Build upon your natural courage and compassion; and self-control and containment. Use this experience as a source of enlightenment, power, tenacity, resilience. Excel, becoming even greater more excellent. Be the champion I know you are. Someday you'll be more grateful for the person or persons choice not to choose you.
You never know who is watching, who is listening. Always behave and speak as if all eyes and ears are on you. Leave no confusion as to who or what you are. Be of quality character - always. Shine!
Exercise discipline and don't take this personal - for it has NOTHING to do with you. Just practice and perfect genuine kindness and understanding and most importantly, forgiveness. Because honestly, at the core of most situations, upon digging deeper, you'll discover nothing is ever really personal. Especially when you've been/done your best. Had integrity and healthy intentions.
Everyone is not going to like/love you. For reasons only they know. Just be you - change what needs to change because we all should self-improve. But never for any person. For you - only.
By no means will she quit. She's too talented. Dilemma is, if we decide it's best we close the chapter on this league, where will/can she go next? Will this repeat itself elsewhere? How can we resolve it?
We've always prepared ourselves for the time - people tell us about - when the boys will eventually get too strong.They will out perform her. It's frequently suggested, she should transfer to softball (which she detest).*Will we begin suggesting that men who play softball quit and play baseball instead? even if baseball is not their interest, keep questioning them about "their" choices? Wondering...
For her, the sky is the limit. She'll make athletic adjustments on her terms. She participates in several other sports - baseball has always been her favorite. Her parents have her back totally I'm sure she finds comfort in that. We were just hoping this season, she would have finally earned what she undeniably deserved. As a mom, just hope there's no agenda or mean-spiritness looming in the atmosphere at play here. Of course - at most will be done - is take our funds elsewhere, if need be. She has left a positive mark. More and more girls will hopefully play.
I believe my daughter could very well be the first female baseball player to go pro. Ignoring her will not be deter or hold her back or discourage her. There is a future star in this league and she is it (or one of them). She will: Keep training. Keep building skills. Keep advancing. Somebody will eventually notice. Just stay focused. Don't let negativity penetrate. Positive thoughts.
She first requested to play when she was two. Thinking she was confused, we suggested softball. "No!", she declared. "The small, white ball". When she turned six, nervously we signed her up. She was going to compete with the boys. Was going to be in the dugout totally hidden from the protective, vigilant eye of mommy. I had to "let go" quickly soon after she was born. She entered this world determined. Focused. Unafraid. Risky. Traits that can't be taught. Words cannot express how much I admired her then, as I am in awe of her today. With unbreakable confidence and courage, constantly she blast through things I would have never dared do when I was her age. Often times I ask my husband, "where did she come from?"
There will be many more All Stars type opportunities in her future. I'm confident she'll someday get the recognition due. She has more time to advance.To develop. Get more hours in the school of life.
May she learn the beneficial lessons in this disappointment. Remain grateful for the opportunity, the freedom to step foot on the field/to wear a uniform/to be in the dugout. To hear the crowd cheer her on .To have genuine support from your male peers. They'll never forget having had her as their teammate. Every moment in time is special, it just depends on your perspective.
Be thankful the lessons from this devastating experience did not break you, but made you more resilient in your youth. Be thankful you were not physically wounded in the process. The possible emotional scar will soon heal, but the lesson will live on, like the memory - blossoming lasting wisdom from the deepest part of you.. Be thankful your parents ~ both mom and dad are right here for you. Will embrace you. You can always count on us. Even when you may stumble or fail.
Will remind her that we are proud - win or lose. "We" see her light. We love and support her minus any conditions. We remain thankful she was born and we will forever be ~ honored to be her parents.
Feel kinda better now. Thanks for listening (reading)!
That's all,
Sage
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Back at the library now. My daughter is nearby knitting this charity scarf project she's been working on. Had a decent workout at my local YMCA this morning. She and I work out during the weekdays mostly, separate but nearby rooms of course due to her age right now. She's a big, solid, athletic, gorgeous girl who looks older than she is. Currently about 5'5, Size 11 men's shoe! and not embarrassed about it. Not that she should be. I digress.
I'm glad she's learning about overall fitness/nutrition at such a young age. It's like second nature to her to be active and eat healthy foods. Among a variety of other sports, she plays baseball with boys. And she's GOOD. Extremely confident w/humility. Totally fearless too. My heroin. *Where did she come from? I often wonder. My husband says she's like me. But I don't see it. Yet.
If she can compete hard in her youth, be knowledgeable and courageous enough to adequately lead and not be led (perhaps guided, if necessary) she can do anything. I'm proud. Don't want to ever do anything ever to ruin her unwavering self-esteem. Back to the gym. Going there often is a big deal for me considering what I survived a little over a year ago. Rebuilding strength (which I developed much of during my employment at Holiday Spa health club back in the 80's - I was a hardcore aerobics/fitness instructor and semi budding "bodybuilder" back then) and muscle -- which deteriorated over the years of inactivity, but really suffered following rapid weight loss while hospitalized for the kidney failure/stroke (2014).
I'm thankful for mobility; to be able to do things, considering. At the Y, I observe and admire the many strong and able bodied centrist I see there. I look at them and think, "now that's where I want to be when I grow up". It's fuel for me to keep going when I feel like giving up. Rehabilitation, therapy is hard. *I'll write more about my therapy in a later blog. Before this illness, and I call it that reluctantly because I really don't consider myself ill (even though I feel ill a good portion of my week - more like, I'm dying honestly), I didn't want to grow old. By now, surviving near death it appears, I want to stick around for as long as I can, within reason. Provided I'm fairly healthy, or even fortunate better health than I have now. Want to someday see what financial security feels like, and be in a securer position to be more philanthropic. I want to witness my kids continue to evolve; want to see my husband get wiser, and myself, well... me, become more enlightened (and, more toned :).
While riding the fitness bike today, I marveled at the ability to watch TV (cable TV, I might add) while I try to burn fat/tone up loose skin at the same time. Back in the 80's, I remember just staring at the fitness bike's screen. Then covering it with my sweat towel, as I had so much more time to go - I rode for 60 minutes or longer back then. The music heard was whatever facility radio station was on at the time. No I-pod or Smart Phone. You were cool if you had a walkman back then, if that's what they were called. I was too clueless and "uncool" to know or notice the latest trends and cooler things.
When I went to wipe sweat from the machine I was working on, I thought, "if only these moist sanitizing cloths were freely available in the 80's". Back then, rarely did anyone bother to wipe sweat from the soaked machine they just used. And I was too OCD to use "my" towel thus having some strangers wetness (DNA) on my absorbed into my belongings. Wiser now, maybe I should have used a wet paper towel meticulously retrieved from the restrooms. Carried one with me to each machine. In my younger days, I think I would have cared too much what others thought to do something seemingly strange like that though. It might have facilitated too much unwanted attention. Being a mature woman now, I could care less what others may think. As long as I wasn't inappropriate or offensive. And my daughters mindset is where mine is at now - like a mature woman's. And she's so young!
To not care, but be and remain genuinely compassionate nonetheless, is truly a gift.
that's all for now,
Sage
I'm glad she's learning about overall fitness/nutrition at such a young age. It's like second nature to her to be active and eat healthy foods. Among a variety of other sports, she plays baseball with boys. And she's GOOD. Extremely confident w/humility. Totally fearless too. My heroin. *Where did she come from? I often wonder. My husband says she's like me. But I don't see it. Yet.
If she can compete hard in her youth, be knowledgeable and courageous enough to adequately lead and not be led (perhaps guided, if necessary) she can do anything. I'm proud. Don't want to ever do anything ever to ruin her unwavering self-esteem. Back to the gym. Going there often is a big deal for me considering what I survived a little over a year ago. Rebuilding strength (which I developed much of during my employment at Holiday Spa health club back in the 80's - I was a hardcore aerobics/fitness instructor and semi budding "bodybuilder" back then) and muscle -- which deteriorated over the years of inactivity, but really suffered following rapid weight loss while hospitalized for the kidney failure/stroke (2014).
I'm thankful for mobility; to be able to do things, considering. At the Y, I observe and admire the many strong and able bodied centrist I see there. I look at them and think, "now that's where I want to be when I grow up". It's fuel for me to keep going when I feel like giving up. Rehabilitation, therapy is hard. *I'll write more about my therapy in a later blog. Before this illness, and I call it that reluctantly because I really don't consider myself ill (even though I feel ill a good portion of my week - more like, I'm dying honestly), I didn't want to grow old. By now, surviving near death it appears, I want to stick around for as long as I can, within reason. Provided I'm fairly healthy, or even fortunate better health than I have now. Want to someday see what financial security feels like, and be in a securer position to be more philanthropic. I want to witness my kids continue to evolve; want to see my husband get wiser, and myself, well... me, become more enlightened (and, more toned :).
While riding the fitness bike today, I marveled at the ability to watch TV (cable TV, I might add) while I try to burn fat/tone up loose skin at the same time. Back in the 80's, I remember just staring at the fitness bike's screen. Then covering it with my sweat towel, as I had so much more time to go - I rode for 60 minutes or longer back then. The music heard was whatever facility radio station was on at the time. No I-pod or Smart Phone. You were cool if you had a walkman back then, if that's what they were called. I was too clueless and "uncool" to know or notice the latest trends and cooler things.
When I went to wipe sweat from the machine I was working on, I thought, "if only these moist sanitizing cloths were freely available in the 80's". Back then, rarely did anyone bother to wipe sweat from the soaked machine they just used. And I was too OCD to use "my" towel thus having some strangers wetness (DNA) on my absorbed into my belongings. Wiser now, maybe I should have used a wet paper towel meticulously retrieved from the restrooms. Carried one with me to each machine. In my younger days, I think I would have cared too much what others thought to do something seemingly strange like that though. It might have facilitated too much unwanted attention. Being a mature woman now, I could care less what others may think. As long as I wasn't inappropriate or offensive. And my daughters mindset is where mine is at now - like a mature woman's. And she's so young!
To not care, but be and remain genuinely compassionate nonetheless, is truly a gift.
that's all for now,
Sage
Wednesday, May 20, 2015
The library is my absolute favorite place to be. Especially my community ones - locally the main and branches. I use to have these terrifying nightmares about the libraries (all of them - on the entire planet) suddenly becoming extinct. I'd awakened panicked and drenched in sweat. My natural hair, which is on the curly/silver side would instantly becoming more afroed and coiled. Eventually my husband became accustomed to these night terrors. My return to the the library soon after, seeing it still in tact was as comforting as a lovingly swaddled newborn.
Remember Twilight Zone? One of my many enjoyed shows til this day. [Season 1 - Episode 8], "Time Enough at Last". Research it. You'll see a bookish man - a bank teller who ends up being the sole survivor of some sort of end of world crisis. Once he realizes he has a plethora of books to himself, he's less concerned and more delighted in being able to enjoy what he loves - books. Something devastating happens towards the end {I won't say, spoiler}, but my heart sank when I saw his most profound catastrophe. Every time I see this episode, I lament the possibilities of this really happening. This episode best describes my fears related to the dreams I was having.
Thankfully I'm less fearful of any of form of disaster were to happen today. Though something similar, or gawd forbid, the same could occur especially in this rapidly developing world. Life has taught me ~ anything is possible. I have bigger things to worry about these days though. I'm just grateful for each moment, to be able to frequent a place in a quality atmosphere and simply loose myself in a internal fantasy land of my own so to speak. And have the freedom and ability to do it.
In my household, each family members library cards are at their limit in required checkouts. Fifty books per card are allowed. So very often, our books are put on a 3-day hold until there's enough space to add to our cards. Surprisingly, there's rarely overdue charges on either of our accounts I'm proud to say. Yet still, out of control, it could appear. Probably sheer insanity, to be honest. Perhaps I'm too odd to reasonably finish the books I have first, then get more. BUT... the books I stumble across, that's it, I stumble, not always looking per se, I find myself unable to leave them there. I may forget they're there if I leave them! So I get them while interested and look forward to reading them with the (50) or so others. It's the library's fault. They should get so many good books at one time. They should stop displaying them so enticingly on the shelves. Maybe I need therapy. Not for anything to do with my renal disease, or this challenging renal diet, but for my book compulsion.
Being that we home-school, it can be understandable why we have so many books during our checkouts. Piles and piles of books/occasional educational DVD's on various subjects. My daughter loves science, animals, plants, sports, cooking, geography, mythology, biographies; she has her favorite authors too, which fortunately, are too many to list here [now]. My son, though away, {but nearby} at college now also an avid reader. His cherished card is no longer at the limit. And he refuses to let me "borrow" his. *Is that legal? I remember, when he was younger, taking his library card was a consequences for unpleasant behavior. He'd scream so loudly, my neighbors probably thought we were beating him to half to death. It's humorous now, but back then, oh boy.
My attractively nerder husband enjoys finance, chess, Star Wars, Isaac Asimov and Jack Reacher novels authored by Lee Childs or F. Paul Wilson. He reads mostly science fiction. Library employees who've been working there for awhile are no longer as astonished (at least I don't think so) when they see us coming. Giving them much more work to handle.
Myself, I read whatever my kids are reading, I love YA fiction, biographies, knitting/crochet, cultures/countries, anatomy, physical fitness, grammar, writing, world religions/beliefs, philosophy, psychology, poetry, and subject literature for juveniles - as I'm always learning and am still, as many of you may now notice, curious. The list goes on. And on. Even with all this reading, admittedly, I still feel less than intelligent at times. The stroke (2014) didn't help me feel smarter either, which makes me hungrier for knowledge, if that's possible. Lately I've been delving into history. Never was really interested before. Now I'm totally engulfed.
I can never understand why more people aren't as fascinated with the library as I. It's a free and for most, easily accessible resource full of valuable information and fun for all walks of life.
Today I went to the library alone. Which has become unusual since my health changed. I was there to return books so I can get some off hold. Determined to do just that, eventually I failed. Ended up roaming the isles once again. Seeing great stuff, topics I needed and wanted to further explore. You know, the Sage way. Always wondering. Seeking. And sometimes, often unexpectedly guiding.
I wanted to start using my fairly new laptop to write my blogs while there. Its a wonderful environment, and people/places are my muse. Being new to carrying a computer, I opened it only to discover the battery had died. Sat there briefly, still absorbing my surroundings, then remembered I had my knitting. *Always keep a project or a book or a game/toy on hand. I searched for a new spot to sit, somewhere where I can people watch while creating something beautiful. And I found this perfect spot -- a secluded spot where I could still observe while, by then prematurely fatigued yet gratefully seated on these big, black cushiony and comfy chairs near a window and away from books that'll capture my interest. I wished I had chairs so comfortable in my home. Wished I had larger, sturdier, prettier bookshelves in my home. I wish... Anyways, I sat there for about 30 minutes maybe longer quenching my thirst to be out ~ Being positively productive in a place of peace, for me.
Oops, I wrote more than I planned. Hope to not have caused too much boredom.
til Next time,
Sage
Remember Twilight Zone? One of my many enjoyed shows til this day. [Season 1 - Episode 8], "Time Enough at Last". Research it. You'll see a bookish man - a bank teller who ends up being the sole survivor of some sort of end of world crisis. Once he realizes he has a plethora of books to himself, he's less concerned and more delighted in being able to enjoy what he loves - books. Something devastating happens towards the end {I won't say, spoiler}, but my heart sank when I saw his most profound catastrophe. Every time I see this episode, I lament the possibilities of this really happening. This episode best describes my fears related to the dreams I was having.
Thankfully I'm less fearful of any of form of disaster were to happen today. Though something similar, or gawd forbid, the same could occur especially in this rapidly developing world. Life has taught me ~ anything is possible. I have bigger things to worry about these days though. I'm just grateful for each moment, to be able to frequent a place in a quality atmosphere and simply loose myself in a internal fantasy land of my own so to speak. And have the freedom and ability to do it.
In my household, each family members library cards are at their limit in required checkouts. Fifty books per card are allowed. So very often, our books are put on a 3-day hold until there's enough space to add to our cards. Surprisingly, there's rarely overdue charges on either of our accounts I'm proud to say. Yet still, out of control, it could appear. Probably sheer insanity, to be honest. Perhaps I'm too odd to reasonably finish the books I have first, then get more. BUT... the books I stumble across, that's it, I stumble, not always looking per se, I find myself unable to leave them there. I may forget they're there if I leave them! So I get them while interested and look forward to reading them with the (50) or so others. It's the library's fault. They should get so many good books at one time. They should stop displaying them so enticingly on the shelves. Maybe I need therapy. Not for anything to do with my renal disease, or this challenging renal diet, but for my book compulsion.
Being that we home-school, it can be understandable why we have so many books during our checkouts. Piles and piles of books/occasional educational DVD's on various subjects. My daughter loves science, animals, plants, sports, cooking, geography, mythology, biographies; she has her favorite authors too, which fortunately, are too many to list here [now]. My son, though away, {but nearby} at college now also an avid reader. His cherished card is no longer at the limit. And he refuses to let me "borrow" his. *Is that legal? I remember, when he was younger, taking his library card was a consequences for unpleasant behavior. He'd scream so loudly, my neighbors probably thought we were beating him to half to death. It's humorous now, but back then, oh boy.
My attractively nerder husband enjoys finance, chess, Star Wars, Isaac Asimov and Jack Reacher novels authored by Lee Childs or F. Paul Wilson. He reads mostly science fiction. Library employees who've been working there for awhile are no longer as astonished (at least I don't think so) when they see us coming. Giving them much more work to handle.
Myself, I read whatever my kids are reading, I love YA fiction, biographies, knitting/crochet, cultures/countries, anatomy, physical fitness, grammar, writing, world religions/beliefs, philosophy, psychology, poetry, and subject literature for juveniles - as I'm always learning and am still, as many of you may now notice, curious. The list goes on. And on. Even with all this reading, admittedly, I still feel less than intelligent at times. The stroke (2014) didn't help me feel smarter either, which makes me hungrier for knowledge, if that's possible. Lately I've been delving into history. Never was really interested before. Now I'm totally engulfed.
I can never understand why more people aren't as fascinated with the library as I. It's a free and for most, easily accessible resource full of valuable information and fun for all walks of life.
Today I went to the library alone. Which has become unusual since my health changed. I was there to return books so I can get some off hold. Determined to do just that, eventually I failed. Ended up roaming the isles once again. Seeing great stuff, topics I needed and wanted to further explore. You know, the Sage way. Always wondering. Seeking. And sometimes, often unexpectedly guiding.
I wanted to start using my fairly new laptop to write my blogs while there. Its a wonderful environment, and people/places are my muse. Being new to carrying a computer, I opened it only to discover the battery had died. Sat there briefly, still absorbing my surroundings, then remembered I had my knitting. *Always keep a project or a book or a game/toy on hand. I searched for a new spot to sit, somewhere where I can people watch while creating something beautiful. And I found this perfect spot -- a secluded spot where I could still observe while, by then prematurely fatigued yet gratefully seated on these big, black cushiony and comfy chairs near a window and away from books that'll capture my interest. I wished I had chairs so comfortable in my home. Wished I had larger, sturdier, prettier bookshelves in my home. I wish... Anyways, I sat there for about 30 minutes maybe longer quenching my thirst to be out ~ Being positively productive in a place of peace, for me.
Oops, I wrote more than I planned. Hope to not have caused too much boredom.
til Next time,
Sage
Monday, May 18, 2015
Had dialysis this morning. 5:45 am - Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Three hours each day. My weekly routine until I'm fortunate a new, healthy kidney. Until then, my goal has been to stay positive and productive. Occasionally it gets hard to remain optimistic, I must admit. For instance, lately, I've been struggling with totally following the required Renal Diet -- No or low phosphorous or potassium. Research this diet and you'll be surprised by the necessary restrictions.
Health changes and challenges occurred for me February 2014. It seemed suddenly, but over the years, I suspected something was off health-wise. I had been suffering chronic migraines for over a decade on a daily basis. I have no idea how I successfully home schooled my kids as the pain was oftentimes debilitating. Somehow, I guess with sheer determination and passion, I prevailed.
Digressed. My intentions were to write about my condition extensively in a later blog entry.
Well, my latest anxiety (which have been few, thankfully), are with the diet. Now that my appetite is finally returning since onset of disease, I want to eat more. Probably too much more according to my rapid weight increase. I love cheese. I love huge and frequent tall glasses of ice water along with the occasional divulgence in lemony, homey iced tea. Cold, tasty, fresh squeezed, pulp filled orange juice. Research Renal Diet - something I'm still learning and you'll discover there are a host of commonly healthier foods, such as nuts, beans, tomatoes, beets, dates, oranges, bananas, etc. that are forbidden while on dialysis. Oh, and cheese is one of the many too. There are liquid restrictions too considering most dialysis patients no longer urinate. Luckily I do. Months ago I use to innocently text family and friends every time I urinated as it was such a huge celebration for me at the time. I doubt if they comprehended the reality of all urinating ceasing. Mine did stop for a few weeks, but returned shortly. Hope the flow continues.
So, as nature would have it, I'm finding myself craving things I can't have, plus more. I'm constantly thinking about eating and wishing I had relationships with people who loved to cook and who'd share wonderful meals. Or maybe be advantaged a personal chef who can design fabulous meals within the renal diet. Oh that would be fantastic. I'm not a cook. And neither is my husband, so being creative in the kitchen is not my passion, but has to be my necessity if I'm going to be and stay healthy - which is important to me. I exercise - frequent trips to the gym. Walk. Practice sports with my little one and whatever else I'm privileged the energy and stamina to do.Hope to someday, jog again. Maybe even run a marathon down the line.
This morning I shared my concerns with my onsite nephrologist - I adore her. Love all my doctors, thankfully. I'm in good hands.Yeah, but I spoke to her about my current struggles. You see, when I first started on this life journey, I had no idea what was going on. While in the hospital for a migraine, I had a stroke. Upon testing, it was determined my kidneys were functioning at 5%! So, I was hospitalized for a few months all together. With the drugs/meds; affects of the stroke (frontal lobe) -- inability to walk, talk, write, read, eat, comprehend and on and on with the sudden, but thankfully temporary disabilities. Note: I was a forty something year old female at the time.
I was being dialysized and didn't know what was going on for a very, very long time. Along with medical staff, a host of amazing therapist, my husband was my primary caregiver. He followed all medical instructions given within reason. Though I wasn't really eating early on, few times I did, it always was something I was allowed to consume. My labs stayed great until I started regaining my faculties. Uh, I believe my levels were slightly high during the winter holidays. Then again most recently for Mothers Day. And since then, I've been slightly paranoid. Trying to keep my levels down. Trying to keep my weight down as well - lost over 50 lbs during illness. Which was needed anyway. Over the years, I had put on an unusual amount of weight and stayed bloated looking. Now I can finally fit clothes I haven't worn in decades due to rapid, uncontrollable weight gain.
After confiding in my lovely doctor this morning, instantly I felt more hopeful and less stressed. I can over think things sometimes, and it takes me a minute to return to my normal state of being - more rational. This morning I packaged several goodies to help distract from that machine (dialysis).
You (or I) look around and wonder what are the other patients stories. I tend to lose myself in thought, wondering. Wishing some patients were close enough in proximity to chat. But then again, I'm there so early in the morning. most patients are sleeping or trying. And, many may not be as sociable as I.
Packed with me was most of the usual. Books, writing paper, pens, phone, tablet, magazine and, this morning I brought my crochet project - a colorful granny square blanket that I've been working on for years. I brought my crayons and one of my many coloring books. I love to color so I collect coloring books. All kinds. Luckily I got almost around my granny square before I napped for a bit.
My husband is always right there with me. Since the beginning, he has been my rock. Gosh, I have so much to be thankful for. Hope I have been as good to him as he has been to me. I try.
I'll write more about my what's in My Dialysis Bag in a future blog entry. Like I said, I have so much to write about.
until next time,
Sage
Health changes and challenges occurred for me February 2014. It seemed suddenly, but over the years, I suspected something was off health-wise. I had been suffering chronic migraines for over a decade on a daily basis. I have no idea how I successfully home schooled my kids as the pain was oftentimes debilitating. Somehow, I guess with sheer determination and passion, I prevailed.
Digressed. My intentions were to write about my condition extensively in a later blog entry.
Well, my latest anxiety (which have been few, thankfully), are with the diet. Now that my appetite is finally returning since onset of disease, I want to eat more. Probably too much more according to my rapid weight increase. I love cheese. I love huge and frequent tall glasses of ice water along with the occasional divulgence in lemony, homey iced tea. Cold, tasty, fresh squeezed, pulp filled orange juice. Research Renal Diet - something I'm still learning and you'll discover there are a host of commonly healthier foods, such as nuts, beans, tomatoes, beets, dates, oranges, bananas, etc. that are forbidden while on dialysis. Oh, and cheese is one of the many too. There are liquid restrictions too considering most dialysis patients no longer urinate. Luckily I do. Months ago I use to innocently text family and friends every time I urinated as it was such a huge celebration for me at the time. I doubt if they comprehended the reality of all urinating ceasing. Mine did stop for a few weeks, but returned shortly. Hope the flow continues.
So, as nature would have it, I'm finding myself craving things I can't have, plus more. I'm constantly thinking about eating and wishing I had relationships with people who loved to cook and who'd share wonderful meals. Or maybe be advantaged a personal chef who can design fabulous meals within the renal diet. Oh that would be fantastic. I'm not a cook. And neither is my husband, so being creative in the kitchen is not my passion, but has to be my necessity if I'm going to be and stay healthy - which is important to me. I exercise - frequent trips to the gym. Walk. Practice sports with my little one and whatever else I'm privileged the energy and stamina to do.Hope to someday, jog again. Maybe even run a marathon down the line.
This morning I shared my concerns with my onsite nephrologist - I adore her. Love all my doctors, thankfully. I'm in good hands.Yeah, but I spoke to her about my current struggles. You see, when I first started on this life journey, I had no idea what was going on. While in the hospital for a migraine, I had a stroke. Upon testing, it was determined my kidneys were functioning at 5%! So, I was hospitalized for a few months all together. With the drugs/meds; affects of the stroke (frontal lobe) -- inability to walk, talk, write, read, eat, comprehend and on and on with the sudden, but thankfully temporary disabilities. Note: I was a forty something year old female at the time.
I was being dialysized and didn't know what was going on for a very, very long time. Along with medical staff, a host of amazing therapist, my husband was my primary caregiver. He followed all medical instructions given within reason. Though I wasn't really eating early on, few times I did, it always was something I was allowed to consume. My labs stayed great until I started regaining my faculties. Uh, I believe my levels were slightly high during the winter holidays. Then again most recently for Mothers Day. And since then, I've been slightly paranoid. Trying to keep my levels down. Trying to keep my weight down as well - lost over 50 lbs during illness. Which was needed anyway. Over the years, I had put on an unusual amount of weight and stayed bloated looking. Now I can finally fit clothes I haven't worn in decades due to rapid, uncontrollable weight gain.
After confiding in my lovely doctor this morning, instantly I felt more hopeful and less stressed. I can over think things sometimes, and it takes me a minute to return to my normal state of being - more rational. This morning I packaged several goodies to help distract from that machine (dialysis).
You (or I) look around and wonder what are the other patients stories. I tend to lose myself in thought, wondering. Wishing some patients were close enough in proximity to chat. But then again, I'm there so early in the morning. most patients are sleeping or trying. And, many may not be as sociable as I.
Packed with me was most of the usual. Books, writing paper, pens, phone, tablet, magazine and, this morning I brought my crochet project - a colorful granny square blanket that I've been working on for years. I brought my crayons and one of my many coloring books. I love to color so I collect coloring books. All kinds. Luckily I got almost around my granny square before I napped for a bit.
My husband is always right there with me. Since the beginning, he has been my rock. Gosh, I have so much to be thankful for. Hope I have been as good to him as he has been to me. I try.
I'll write more about my what's in My Dialysis Bag in a future blog entry. Like I said, I have so much to write about.
until next time,
Sage
Sunday, May 10, 2015
Happy Mother's Day!
Help starting this blog was a mother's day gift to me from my wonderful husband. The simplest things are the biggest things, sometimes are too, the most magnificent things and I'm always so grateful.
I have so much to write about, and I'm so excited as heartfelt written expression has always been of comfort and joy. Throughout this written, somewhat "therapeutic" journey, it is my hope that my blog will attract interested readers who'll revisit often with a childlike curiosity on - what are Sage's thoughts for today.
So, "hello world! I'm Sage and I need a kidney" thus, the inspiration (but not the sole topic) for the title of my blog.
That's all for now...
~Sage
Help starting this blog was a mother's day gift to me from my wonderful husband. The simplest things are the biggest things, sometimes are too, the most magnificent things and I'm always so grateful.
I have so much to write about, and I'm so excited as heartfelt written expression has always been of comfort and joy. Throughout this written, somewhat "therapeutic" journey, it is my hope that my blog will attract interested readers who'll revisit often with a childlike curiosity on - what are Sage's thoughts for today.
So, "hello world! I'm Sage and I need a kidney" thus, the inspiration (but not the sole topic) for the title of my blog.
That's all for now...
~Sage
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