recently survived through a lengthy bout with depression. the mental state of darkness had me feeling as though, this was my permanent existence. for weeks or months i felt lonely. i felt isolated. i felt frustrated. i felt worthless. i felt regret. i felt inadequate. i felt sad. i felt despair. i felt irritated. i felt impatient. i felt unwell. i felt unbalanced. i felt pessimistic. i felt frightened. i felt fat. i felt trapped. i felt ugly. felt like a complete failure at life, period.

sitting here on my sofa in my cluttered living space, i'm back to my usual happy, optimistic, free minded self. it feels kinda weird to revisit all those feeling i felt (for far too long for my comfort) just a short time ago.

eventually i began to talk to those whom i felt safe about my hopeless feelings. to finally express my truth at that time was not only freeing, but relieving. instinctively i knew it was a possible risk sharing such abysmal thinking, but, i knew i could no longer exist in that bottomless pit of thought.

thankfully, everyone (beside my husband were only a few) i regurgitated my feelings were compassionate, non judgmental, reasonable and intelligent listeners. i'm glad i had the forethought to chose my ears wisely, but also that i have these amazing people in my life.

truthfully, part of the reasons why i haven't blogged in such a while was because i felt trapped in my thoughts. i mean, i would go from one extreme to another with feelings of fear and loneliness. but never wanting to die or take my own life, which was a fortune.

to my understanding, depression is common with those suffering renal failure and on dialysis. please google these facts on your own to gain your own perspective and knowledge. but for me, realizing this was (or could be my fate) is/was pretty terrifying.

being able to control or monitor my thoughts and feelings and maintaining a sense of calm and peace and harmony is the realm i prefer to station. the idea of feeling so low and lifeless is something i guess i'll have to continue battling until my end.

we all are fighting through something, right? i mean, reality is, are you you winning the battle or not?

one can never really know what others are suffering in silence through. i'm thankful no one could actually read my thoughts then, yet my heart felt so heavy. breathing took great strength and courage.

deep down, i know i have to fight. fight tenaciously if not for myself, but all those who may hold me dear. i know my illness has taught me that i am truly fortunate with a great deal of amazingly genuine people in my life. aside from my dear husband, kids and father; i have been gifted a host of quality people and my heart always radiates with joy at the idea that yeah, my mother may not love me, but so many other people do.