Peace, Love and Happiness

This morning I was privileged the wellness and strength to get up. Shower. Brush my teeth. Moisturize. Dress and gather all necessary belonging (mask included) and hurry out the house - alone.

While driving myself from one fun adventure  (fabric and yarn place) to another (hair products, perfumes/moisturizers, cookware, candles, etc), I was listening to listener-sponsored radio - which was at the time, celebrating the 80th Birthday of John Lennon.

As I enjoyed hearing harmonies of peace and love and unity, I felt a sudden burst of optimism. I’ve been sorta quietly pessimistic & melancholy for the past months as we as a nation try to adapt and navigate all the chaos and conflict and controversy and corruption and Covid and [in]competence savagely bestowed upon us. Daily, subjected to actions & words that have been used and distributed destructively and maliciously.

Though I didn’t know Lennon personally, I can appreciate the unifying and uplifting messages he gifted us within his lyrics of peace. Which has undoubtedly added beauty to the world.

We all are responsible for our contributions not only to ourselves, but also to: our families, our friends, our neighbors, our communities, our decedents, our nation, our world. Are we adding love or hate? What will our societal positions state about our thoughts/beliefs/decisions historically in the future?  

In these current times, its no longer about republican vs democrat. Rich vs poor. Black vs white. Religious vs nonreligious.  Christian vs other. Educated vs uneducated. Now, looking with compassionate, humane eyes, it is obviously all about love vs hate. Good vs evil.  This is the climate we're facing. 

No civility. No decency. No humanity. No integrity. No honesty or "morality". Nothing worthy of smugness or self-righteousness. Look at ourselves. See what we've allowed. What we've become. A divided nation. How dare we have the audacity to dictate our sense of righteousness on other parts of the globe. Who and what are we?! Who and what are we raising?!

Where will we stand/speak or sit/stand in this crucial time (2020)? Where will our descendants stand/speak or sit/stand (if survived the changes in climate/corruptions)? What  will our descendants learn about who/what we were decades from now? Think about the image we’d portray about who/what we are or were. Think! Let's rid ourselves of mindless blind obedience to tyranny/tyrannical messaging and tap in to our humanity. 

Recognize the deviant intentions and think about if you were on the other side of the hatefulness. You were a different color, religion/belief, gender, lifestyle. How would you feel if leaders were enticing violence toward you? What if you were an instant target of hate simply because you were born the wrong race or other? It has become an us vs them and I'm sickened by the foolishness!

Where is the love in all of this? What would your chosen deities do? Is this behavior condoned by the gods/goddesses? Is this the evolving world where all can be free (un-slaved) and live in harmony? Or, is this planet only for who and what you are?

Whenever I listen to the lyrics from the song, “Imagine”, and I think about the timelessness of this song. I reflect on what our imperfect world was dealing with then. I then think about the now. Never would I have imagined all the escalated and condoned hate. The plethora of unreasonable justifications for bigotry and unfairness.  Pure hate by many of those who profess to be superior, supreme, righteous and all-knowing. 

Who and what are we?!

Quietly I isolate my thoughts and stay mindful of my words as I tell my totally afraid self, “everything will be okay. You’re a survivor. One day at a time...”. 

I remind myself of my qualities and briefly, I take comfort in knowing I'm safe because there should be no reason for hatefulness to attack me (or someone like or similar) because I'm "different". Then, all I gotta do is turn on the news or other. And be reminded it is my difference that may make me a target. This reality is terrifying. I can only imagine what horrors my ancestors were dealt.

I’ll be 53 on October 15th. If I read tweets or see'em or other despicable rants in media, instantly I remember my devoutly religious, evangelical, fire & brimstone; abusive, neglectful, envious, malicious, ignorant, later-in-life diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic (possibly evil) now deceased mother. I fight the frequent episodes of nightmarish fear, as if she was actually here in form tormenting, cunning, controlling, deceiving, conniving, lying, agitating, destroying, corrupting, sneaking, maligning, blaming, instigating, cheating, erupting, frightening, threatening, unforgiving, aggravating, embarrassing, ranting/raging...

She was fraudulent, unapologetic, anti-intelligent, demeaning, critical, anti-science, superstitious, gluttonous, cowardly, ungrateful, possessive, needy, greedy, hypocritical, Machiavellian, unreliable, resentful, confrontational, defensive, dogmatic, tactless, irrational, misinformed, manic, paranoid, abrasive, dramatic, vulgar, opportunistic, dismissive, immoral, judgmental, anti-motherhood, self-righteous, malicious, pathological, cruel, hostile, grandiose, braggadocios, thoughtless, selfish, indiscreet, bossy, spiteful, ignorant, obnoxious, unconscious, reckless, insincere, inept, reactive, superficial, vicious, asinine, animated, cynical, combustible. While in actuality its the chosen nation leader who’s the primary cause of my agonizing fright. 

As a child and parts of my adulthood, I lived in constant terror. Afraid to speak or do anything that would cause her to erupt. I couldn't talk to her about anything. Nothing I did pleased her. All I was was a prop. Pull me out only when she wanted to brag, seeking envy and praise - thus making me feel withdrawn and uncomfortable. I was obedient. I was respectful. 

My mother took her hatred for her one and only child to her grave. Her final act was one to attempt to figuratively stab me deeply in the heart, as if she hadn't done enough emotional harm.  She made sure I was not included in her last minute will. Absolutely nothing left for me or my kids. Zero. Unfortunately she cannot see that I've been at peace with her last treacherous act. No longer having to deal with her was my ultimate freedom and sense of safety.

I'm free of her wicked wrath. Her using her religion to scare me into servility submission. "Things" were never important. All that I accomplished & overcame without help or support from her, threatened and angered her even more. Her unconditional love was all that I craved. Who/what I was didn't matter. I was born (out of wedlock/adultery/fornication) and that was my sin. Looking at me reminded her of who and what she secretly was.

I was raised by, I managed to survive a sick and twisted insecure narcissist. In him I see her. I hear him I hear her. I'm thankful she was not in position to exert power over many lives. 

No one stood up or spoke up on my behalf.  Not even "The Righteous". I remained a defenseless child. Obedient till the end. All those bystanders who knew exactly what/who she was, I blame them. Those who remain silent/stagnant are just as guilty as the oppressor, the tormentor. Redemption is necessary. Forgiveness is possible. They know who the are and what they allowed.

I see/hear him, I see/hear her.

Passionate protesters have every right to march peacefully for fairness and justice. Predators seem to expect their prey to submit quietly. Nonresistance as they inflict their race privilege. That's the freedom they want. To control, to rule the thoughts, minds and being of all. Equality is a human right. Again, imagine if plights were reversed. Would you sit idly by and be subjected to hatefulness simply because you were born different? What kind of world would you want for your kid? We all want the best for our offspring. No one has sole ownership of the planet. In this diverse world, we are here together with the same needs and similar desires. 

We all bleed. We all hurt. We all feel. We all eat. We all sleep... We all need water and air to breathe. We all live and we die.We are want equality and justice. Basic freedoms. Simple. Shoot, step on our necks, kills us and get away with your crimes, there will be more of us wanting the same rights. Is the goal to wipe out all those who don't look like you?

All I can do, much like most of us who are free, is to vote. Vote not only for my private and personal beliefs & comforts. Vote not only for my personal well being. Vote not only for my race and religion/philosophy. But vote for human/womankind. I believe who/what I AM will be reflected in how I vote.

By no means am I wishing to take away anyone's freedom to hate. But I do wish your hate wouldn't affect/infect or have a negative effect on my life or others. We all are repulsed by toxic people. In wisdom, we learn how to wisely avoid those who do not dwell in or at our personal energy level.

Imagine a world of peace. Imagine a world of love. Imagine a world of happiness. Imagine a unifying, loving world freer of hate, bigotry. Obama’s presidency can’t continue causing such vengeance and violence. His presidency was inclusive and unifying and of HOPE. Yes, he was half black.  But nothing he did (or tweeted) was anything remotely close to what we have been subjected to for nearly four long years. I plead. Search your hearts. Think with your minds. 

Are we part of the problem? Or, are we part of the solution? Love or hate is our ultimate decision in 2020 election. What ugliness are we condoning? What ugliness are we excusing? What ugliness are we justifying? In such a diverse world does it make sense to be part of Making America White Again?

If intellectually honest, we can clearly see everything occurring for what it really is. After all, "it is what it is" is the current mindset. Meanwhile too many have suffered, have died. No denying the facts. No more moralizing or self-righteous judgments on the behaviors of others. You’ve proven who and what you are by how you you vote 2020.

Research unbiased facts.  Self-reflect. Recognize who and what you are as a human. “Stand by and stand down” and instead of hatefulness, choose to be of character,  competence and compassion. Demonstrate love instead of hate to the next generations. Our offspring know who/what we are. If they don’t know, they will in the future. Please help make this planet a better, safer place for all.

*Please practice consideration and safety for yourself and others — wear your helmets, seat belts, condoms and mask. It's about safety (for the living). It's not political because Covid is unbiased. It does not discriminate!

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends".

                                                                          ~MLK

PTSD

been reminded of childhood. abuses at the hands of my devoutly religious mother.

few tried to speak up/stand up for me. whenever they did, the abuses escalated. my mother hated me from my unplanned/unwanted birth until her death. my last conversation with her (a few months before she died). she remained very hateful. even in her declined health. she told me i welcomed the sexual abuses from my molester. i reminded her i was only 9 when the abuse started. she yelled, "you wanted it! you followed him everywhere. i hired an investigator to trace your steps". at the time. i was in the car as i listened to this foolishness. my teen aged daughter started college at 14 (just like my son). so i would sit in my car on the schools campus. since i waited for hours, i used part of the time to call and check on my mother (who at the time. resided in a nursing facility).

each and every time i spoke to her she was abusive. if ever loving, it was to manipulate me. she spoke to me like i was a child. as if i owed her something. this last time. i told her if she kept being abusive when i took time from my peaceful life to call, it would be the very last time she'd hear from me. this day, she started the conversation of the sexual abuse. i never brought it up. for some reason. whenever i'd contact her. she was argumentative. constantly bringing up the past - which made no sense

before, i would beg her to stop. or, i would change the subject to something light like the weather or something mundane. this last day. she was just as aggressive, just as volatile. i reminded her she's a christian and that perhaps god was listening. that didn't work. her righteous beliefs never dictated her atrocious behavior. all these years. she's been fanatical in her beliefs. spoke in tongues, quoted scripture the whole dynamic. never respected the possible belief differences in others.

she was righteous and perfect. her beliefs were the only way for the entire world - her chosen religion. her chosen god. her lifestyle. her way or no way.

she had no problems existing in her hypocrisy. frequently she'd tell me i'm from hell and that i was going to hell. i never understood. imagine telling a small, shy kid. she's from hell.  i was an obedient child. as an adult, i live a quality life. i can't think of any reason for her to think ill of me, yet nothing i did seemed to be worthy of her maternal, unconditional love.

her priorities were herself. money. material things. men. religion/god. never ever was it motherhood.

back to this last day. she kept going on and on about how i wanted it. i reminded her through tears over and over again that i was a child. this was a man SHE had in the house. even after she learned of the abuse, she continued to have a relationship with this person. kicked me out of the house at between ages 16-18.

after about an hour of this hostility. knowing that this was the last time i'd deal with her severe abuse. all my life. she's been verbally, emotionally, physically abusive. extremely neglectful. as a result, i deal with abandonment issues til this day. i recovered. but there are hellish reminders i work through daily.

no father. absolutely no support or contact from him. i was born out of wedlock. she was married. my father was married. but not to each other. he fathered kids in and outside his marriage. i was a secret though. not worthy of his name or love. i was conceived out of an adulterous act. daily i was reminded i was less than. i was a bastard. i never understood what i did to be defined as such. why was i being punished? why was her god so angry at me? and why is he allowing her to treat me so badly? when were the angels going to save me from this torture. irrational thoughts only a lonely, naive child could have.

this day. final day. i can still remember how i felt on the insides of my body. sickened by what i was hearing, but strong enough to assert myself. at first, i was feeling like a helpless child. i felt unworthy. unlovable. i felt alone. i was beginning to wish to no longer be here on earth while in that emotionally destructive moment. yes, i always yearned for maternal (and paternal) love. but this day, i had enough being the source of her maternal inadequacy, a reminder of "her sin".

then i remembered. I AM WORTHY.  I AM LOVABLE. I AM NOT ALONE. i have family and friends who love and value my existence. like a phoenix. i began to rise. began to sit upright into the car seat. i rolled up the windows. it was a very warm day.  my voiced changed. firmly. clearly & calmly i said to her. listen to me. i am here in the car using my free time to talk to you. i had dialysis earlier. i should be resting. i tried my best to be a good enough for you. be of quality yet nothing i did in this life is enough for you. i'm paraphrasing. this is the last day being subjected to your misplaced rage. i did nothing but love you from a distance. i told you repeatedly that you have been forgiven even though you've done absolutely nothing to earn it. i was a child and you did not protect me. you never protected me from all the unfortunate events that destroyed my innocence. destroyed my self-esteem. i was a victim over and over again. you abandoned me over and over again. i am now here. a survivor from life's unthinkables.  you will never hear my voice again. i am done. good bye mother. then, i hung up the phone. calmed myself before my daughter got out of class. haven't looked back

after standing up to the bully, i felt freer. i could breath without suffocating from unpleasant memories or fears of her wickedness. i share this to say. the bully that's supposedly leading us all now reminds me of my mother. she died mid-december 2019. about  a year prior to her death. i learned she was schizophrenic.  the 1970's horror movie, Carrie, similar to my scary mother.

all those painful years. people in my childhood environment were either just like my mother. or they were too afraid of her. our tweeting leader reminds me of my mother. he has so many of her traits.  i  often wonder about those who elected him. do they agree with his behavior or, are they too afraid to stand/speak up. do they condone the divisiveness, the hatefulness. or, are they afraid of his wrath? like my mother, this leader is so vindictive, he'll ruin of those who disagree.

like my mother, no one can reason with her. she was very envious, even of me. her own daughter. if someone complemented my beauty, she'd say. Well, i ain't ugly. as if those complements of me were insulting to her. makes no sense. and nothing political these days makes any sense.

she was threatened by intelligence. never studied or read herself, but wanted to destroy those whose intellect made her feel inferior. instead of surrounding herself with knowledge, she'd make irrational decisions based upon her instincts at the moment.

she ruin the reputations of others with name-calling, falsehoods. she'd go on a rage until she got peacemakers to back off. She used her anger, her wealth as a weapon.

she would often threaten to take things away from me (or others) whenever she felt slighted. she would use her religion as a terrifying scare tactic.

she would purposely ruin opportunities for me, then blame me as if, i was a complete failure.

she manipulate with temporary kindness with gifts and fake pleasantness. then when you don't fall for her scheme, she'll punish you by taking back material things, plus more.

she would have the brainwashed believe all her lies until she, in fact, comes for them. she will make those in her social circle hate you without even knowing you.

like i said, the abuses worsened whenever someone would try to speak/stand up for me. right now. if i spoke highly about someone she didn't like, she would accuse me of loving them more and result in her taking things from me. eventually, her last week alive. she took the time to make the necessary contracts to let everyone know - do not leave my daughter or her family anything. i'm her only child. and i spent a lifetime with her abuses, and was left with zero in the end. all her wealth left to someone she didn't like and to the state.

she made sure i suffered in her death. i forgave her. but even in all her religiosity, she never forgave me for my sheer existence.

as a nation. we have endured these dreadful times of a pandemic scientists warned about. we all are in the midst of surviving through the viruses of Covid and racism. both have the power to be destructively to our lives.

comparing behaviors of my late mother, i worry about those who are speaking/standing up. the allies risking their lives during the coronavirus pandemic to protest in the streets for our rights. justice and freedom for all.

i worry about those with skin like mine. they'll be attacked even more because of resentments of the veil being lifted. the world is watching. the world is now doing the judging.

already there have been threats. name calling. nothing said or done that is remotely productive. whenever an ally comes forward and speaks out against all the hate, the hate is  unfairly turned toward them. their skin is no longer their protection.

like my mother, we are being lead with immature negativity.  and publicly the vengeance is being made known. his words/tweets and policies are reflecting his truest nature and the nature of those that have condoned the ugliness thus far. military has been sent to destroy. police have been instructed to destroy.

nevertheless there has been a rainbow of allies. colorful hands raised high - Black Lives Matter.

as i type. i have the tv on. i know constantly hearing or reading about  current events is not healthy. but what has been my medicine through this tyrannical terror. has been the global uproar and rage against the green monster of hatred.

my skin has been my sin. the circumstances of my birth has been my sin. my father wasn't man enough (at the time) to stick around. instead he left me with a sick and twisted mother. he knew what kind of person she was. he had to know how i was treated. i had to find him in my late 20's. imagine that?

his way of fathering me now has been to call/text me every now and then. ask about my plants. how was dialysis. if the conversation gets too deep, or if i'm having problems, he's hurries off the phone. my way of making him comfortable enough to contact me, is to text "i had a good day today". no, he hasn't offered his kidney. has never invested a dime in regards to my upbringing or well-being. but, getting a call or a text is all i'm worth to him. and sure, i'll take it. for it's all he's willing to give to at least one of his kids. he's no drama. and i am graciously accepting what i can get in order to have a relationship with a parent. thankfully, he doesn't show rage like my mother. he's much easier to get along with. Hopefully, his other kids/step-kids were/are privileged the best of who was/is

as a people. we must get through this part of history in one piece. what side of history will your descendant's learn you were on? what are you fighting for. human rights and justice for all? or, continued the inheritance & luxury of  privileges of "your" skin?

Watching or reading about local/global news is not healthy. I know this fixation is causing me to physically and emotionally decline, but. For some reason I can't look away. It's like driving past a horrible car accident. Suspecting their may be gore ahead, yet I turn and look. Geesh, what have I become?

Since the 2016 election. I've tried to protect my mind. Since then, the ugliness has gotten uglier day by day. Week by week. Year by year. Now  here we are. 100,000 plus deaths to Covid, along with instigated racial and political divisions.

The sleepless nights. The anxious days. I can't control what's happening in the world. I can change how I respond. Lately, I don't like myself. Who/what am I becoming?

I feel helpless.
I feel hopeless.

I feel angry.
I feel alone.

The pain intensifies daily. The unity I see nationwide has made breathing a bit easier. I find myself turning to my blog to vent. My husband and kids remain disengaged. They have wisely guarded their entire being from the obvious injustices, the inequalities, the insanity occurring.

This nation was supposedly to be Made Great Again.
Great for who?
Great for solely one party?
Great for solely one race?

Who has been okay with the ill-tempered  tweets?
Who has been okay with the immoral behavior?

I'm struggling when thinking of how I'll socialize with those of opposing viewpoints that are geared towards division. Before, I was fine keeping quiet when political/religious opinions were openly discussed. Every time this occurred I felt sick to my stomach hearing the twisted justified  politicizing of everything. Resentment towards differing in opinions. Quietly I wondered. Will they like/love  me if they knew I didn't believe what they believed. That I "Sage" was one who fell under the umbrella of those whom they expressed disdain.

 I love indiscriminately. I love minus conditions. My friendship circle is diverse. Reflecting all who inhabit our world. There is no interest in being controlled, converted, or changed in any way. And I respect others enough not to attempt to control, convert or change anyone else.

I have so much respect for those who freely live in their truth. Those that are attracted to the same sex and have no qualms showing the world who they are. This takes such courage. They can easily hide as no one will really know who they love/like. Their openness gives me strength to be me.

People who are different period are my heroes. And through all the ugliness that's happening, by the time quarantine ends, I will have built up the courage to also live my truth freely.

First, I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself for hiding.  Forgive myself for not speaking up. I think my respecting others. By cowardly avoiding potential confrontation or conflict.  By remaining silent was truthfully weakness and fear. Possibly being ostracized or abandon...

I can't be silent any longer. I don't agree with all the hate happening before my eyes. People are suffering. I am suffering. Yet all the allies are risking their lives in order to stand/speak with/for us.

Peaceful protesters have been walking/kneeling for the rights of all.  Black Lives Matter signs are being raised with White hands. These allies could easily rest in their white privileges. Sit back and judge the black man/woman for their understandable anger and finally rising up.

We've been obediently submissive for long enough. We are being killed by those who should protect us. The threat of our skin has condoned ignorance and hate.

A rainbow of allies have risen. Our rainbow of humanity have awakened. We all are woke now. Racism is being condemned on every level. Finally, it is being acknowledged that -- Black Lives Matter.

Shooting, dogs are ordered. Called thugs and son-of-bitches for peaceful protest.We didn't show up at places of law with guns intimidating. We are not marching with torches.We are not refusing to wear masks to protect our fellowman from death. Protest have been peaceful in hopes for justice for all.

Frustration from injustice of the past and the present helped propel us to a better future. Now we are here. Still in need of justice and equality.

I'm so grateful. I'm thankful that I know and love some of these allies. They are some of my dearest friends. I've eaten at their tables as they have mine. They see me and I see them. We are equals. Now, with honesty and self-reflection. We have to see how the world is not experiencing the same fairness.

Thanks to video, the world is finally seeing what we have to live with being in our skin.  I cry out. I am not my skin. I am peace.  I am love.I am happiness. I am you. You are me.

5 am. Here at dialysis. Miraculously privileged  a sudden sense of peace and perspective. Grateful for the improved, healthier frame of mind. Back to Sage!

Regardless of the current state of the world. There are more reasons for genuine optimism.

I feel freer, lighter. Responses to the negativity plaguing our world, the unified positivity has propelled us to greatness. We are no longer settling for the ugliness. Bravely, we our forcing beauty by our contributing the best of ourselves towards the solutions.

Fact is. I am not alone in my pain. WE are not alone in our grief.

Hopefully my melancholic rants haven’t defined me. In my blogs I have been true to how I feel. From here on. I dedicate myself towards better controlling my own reality. I don’t have to become that which I am not. I don’t have to become the monster that I fear.

Looking forward to the next minute. The next hour. The next day with immense glee. Months from now I will be able to take part in the freedoms of being an American. I can cast the vote that reflects my frustrations. I can cast the vote that will ultimately change the trajectory onward.

A vote that reflects my protest. No longer do I feel trapped in the limitations of my ailing body. Thankfully I’m still privileged a voice, a mind that considers not only myself, but others.

"three years without mature leadership" ~Mattis

Finally, someone with the courage to speak up. Finally!

so EMOTIONAL

so GRATEFUL

so INSPIRED

Thank all the allies!

It lifts my spirit, I am comforted whenever I turn on the TV and see the sea of support. 

If you are an ally, please comment. Love heals.

Sigh! Finally. A leader of quality character spoke. Addressed the nation as a whole, without divisive intent. Immediately I felt a sense of peace, love and calm. Obama!!!!

Elegantly spoken with complete, comprehensive sentences and usage of pronoun "WE" instead of, [initially lowercase for smallness] -"me". Unifying language used.  What a breath of fresh air to hear HOPE. To hear unity. To hear intelligence. To hear an optimistic approach to how we, as a nation (regardless our individual politics, religion or race) proceed forward.

Obviously I'm shedding my stance on respectfully keeping my beliefs private. From here forward, I will not be silent. No longer afraid of those who may desire sameness in their relationships.

I had enough with the years of US vs THEM.

I've stomached through a great deal of idiocy, ignorance, insanity and self-righteous ugliness. Over the past few years - daily, hour-by-hour divisive horrors. Way before this pandemic, etc. Many of us will need intensive therapy for PTSD, mental illnesses caused by all the trauma(s) from being lead by the guy in office.

Through it all, those of republican/conservative/Pro-Trump ideologies. They've all remained stoically silent.

I'm sure the bully has even bullied the crickets into silence. But the god-fearing party who criticized and was uncivilized towards Obama, I would expect they'd speak up to the guy they chose.

I wonder, if those who voted for this guy, and made their voice heard on a regular. Why the ghosting? I mean, if they were honest with themselves, the truth, the ugly truth for the reasons for settling for such a .... I don't know how I can politely describe.  Just feel in the blank for yourselves.

 My point is. Once time permits, or even in your head. List the behaviors & tweets of 44 juxtaposed to 45. Make a list so you can have more of a visual. Then, self-evaluate and the real reasons you chose to vote, thus here we are now. A nation fearing for its life on a daily basis. 100,000 plus deaths and counting. Science, reason and intelligence has been threatened and bullied into silence.

Who's behavior would you want a child to mirror (44 or 45)? Does the color of the leaders skin  factor in you decision? Did it factor in your 2016 vote?

Before your votes were cast. Did any of you think critically on What Would Jesus (or messiah of choice) Do? While righteously condoning all the evils we've all been subjected, think to yourselves if Obama had us in this mess, and future messes that will negatively affect/infect generations to come, would you be silent?

Now those of us who are innocent, meaning. Had no say so as to who is currently leading us all through this. We all have to suffer. Some of us more than others. The viruses of Covid and Racism. Both rapidly destroying, devastating, devouring those that are, by no choice of their own. Born colored.

Thankfully the world is proving that white superiority is dated and dying out. It's not cool. Look at the sea of multicolored protesters. You are pretty much alone in your hate. Those of good conscious have outnumbered those of bad. For it is character that is superior. And leaders like Obama, the governors and mayors; quality politicians who are peacefully navigating us all (regardless of our politics/religion/race) through this nightmare.

May we, together as humanity - Make America Great From Here On. For it was never "great" for everyone. Today, there is Hope.

I rejoice in diversity. The unity filling the streets across the nation, across the world makes breathing easier.

Thankful to all non-black races who were angered enough, humane enough to join in protest. I'm hoping you will continue to speak up, to stand up for "black lives". With more voices and actions against toxic racial injustices, the closer our world gets to evolving into a globe where there is true freedom and justice for all.

In the meantime, I will fight through my fears of abandonment. I adore the people whom I associate. I just hope they love me enough. And regardless of the differing beliefs beneath my skin, it won't compel any to secretly attempt to change, control or convert me to their way of thought or beliefs.

Like the many races who sacrificed getting Covid during protest. Sacrificed losing friendships or family who may resent and/or know them standing firm for "black lives to matter". I can stand firm in who/what I am because my life matters.

"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind". Dr. Seuss

Thank you all (who protested all over the nation) for giving me "light" --- hope in humanity.

It is now 3:30 am.
I can't sleep.
My hands been trembling all day.
My heart is beating hard and rapidly.
I literally can not function due to all the pain.
The pinned up rage I am feeling.

I am so scared.
Praying Hand emojis will not work.
The racial hatred  is too much.
Peacefulness will offers no protection.
If and when I go to sleep, what hatefulness will I awake to?
What will I become after all of this?
Will I continue to be silent?
Do I have to be quiet in order to maintain relationships?

What do I do with this pain?
I need to walk, but I can't.
I need to scream, but I can't.
I need to verbally vent, but I can't.

Quarantine is keeping most of us still, and thankfully so.
Protesters out risking Corona Virus the pain was/is so real.
... most out there were wearing mask, still being out was a risk.

How can I be silent?

I move through life keeping my opinions & beliefs to myself.  I am careful not to offend. I strongly dislike being misunderstood. I try to peacefully navigate through my relationships while avoiding religious/political conversations. Occasionally my private disdain for certain elements of either may slip, but I never intend any harm.

Regardless, many have had no problems expressing their views to me. Perhaps the know and feel that my love for them is unconditional. I have never chosen friendships based on their color, religion, politics or other. I welcome diversity and differing opinions in my world. I am naturally curious. I am eager to learn, to grow. To explore different things. Different = great in my worldview.

Most may not know, I'm flabbergasted (but remain nonjudgmental) at times. Nevertheless, I still fear potential conflict, misjudgment; being ghosted or even ostracized. *Maybe due to my upbringing.

Respecting the pro-righteous, the pro-lifers, I wonder how many are actually pro-human. I mean, once the child actually breathes life, where are they when someone cries out, "I can't breathe!" thus,  dying needlessly at the hands of one of the "righteous".

Living through the climate of anti-science,  anti-difference; social/political divisiveness. The constant igniting of blatant ignorance, anarchy and enhanced racial conflict/confrontation. Brainwashing even the docile to do damage to their fellow-human. Where is the righteousness in all that's been observed or experienced over the years?

What about the looting? Well, why the constant murders at the hands of the police? Consider the cause and effect. Eventually the abused in every abuse situation will rise up. Express enough is enough. Gains the courage, the strength and momentum. Not excusing the form of anger, just understanding the primary source of it. Oftentimes anger causes sheer destruction. And all we can do is get out of the way.

What has gotten the persons with the power to listen? Is the powerful listening to peace? Furthermore, what kind of example has the powerful been? Hypocritical in our righteous indignation?

At some point, the brutality has to end. If not, an uproar will be the result --until concrete change comes. The have not's are hurting. The disadvantage are hurting. Hurt people hurt people. And destruction of replaceable/material things, sometimes gets the attention that is needed.

Another factor, all the looting and mayhem is not being done by mostly peaceful, united protesters. There are some opportunistic vandalism. Some, adding (or following) to the political rhetoric at hand.

We have to exercise critical thought and common sense while prejudging that which we don't understand or are oppose to. Being fed daily lies and falsehoods ad nauseum. Ubiquitously planted to distort facts and evidence. Promote controversy. Further dividing and conquering the country and causing more and more hate.

Poisoning the minds of many can be far worse than the looting (of replaceable possessions).

Pain manifest itself in various forms. Tears have been rolling down my face for days. Complete anguish, anxiety and fear. My weakened heart can't take much more of this.  Fatigued, exhausted from all the panic attacks.

I feel the pain as if it were my neck underneath the boot. I can't breathe! Reality is, this could have been me or my loved one. And that fact only adds to the terror. George Floyd was not three-fifths a person. This wicked belief still inhabits the hearts and minds of the descendants. He was a man. Someone's son, brother, uncle, friend.

Some who know me might think, "but Sage, you are a good person. No way would you be unfairly attacked". Then I can refer them to the innocent woman gunned down as she slept. Or the Harvard alum out with the birds. Most born with the threatening skin have a story regarding unpleasant experiences due to their race.

Many like me are in pain. Are angry and feel utterly helpless. Many others are human enough to feel the pain of and empathize with the oppressed. They couldn't just sit in the comfort of their home, in the protection of their skin and pass judgement on what they see and what they think they know.

People are in pain. The pain uprooted them. There is an awakening happening before our eyes. Protesting in our own way because we all are tired of the constant ill-treatment continuously from those who are paid to protect/paid to lead all of us - regardless of our color, religion or politics. All our lives should matter. Value my life. I value your life. Simple. My skin shouldn't determine whether or not you treat me fairly.

I weep for the many lives that have been lost. Research the plethora of lives lost or damaged over the years due to racial superiority or racial ignorance. Yes, there is black-on-black crime, but I'm addressing those with the inherit, privileged power. Stick to the problem at hand.

Smothering in tremendous hurt I can barely type coherently. Difficulty swallowing or speaking. Rather than continue to exhaust myself lamenting. Grief is expressed in blog form that perhaps no one will read but myself.

Some can go on with their days with the knowledge, they are exempt from the traumatic way George Floyd was murdered. Their skin may be their protection. Some of us, safe-skin is not our privilege. Murders are at large. Murders are now working at a desk, still getting paid. The full murder was captured on tape yet we still need evidence. Imagine. Imagine if this was you, and your skin was your only sin. Share the skin of the pigmented for a minute. For a lifetime.

I'm quite transparent. I am who I am. I believe in Peace. I believe in Love. I believe in Freedom and Justice - for all. I also believe in forgiveness and one earning to be forgiven. Does my beliefs qualify me to be perceived as a moral and decent person? Or do I have to believe and follow your personal doctrine and philosophy of choice and culture -- while quietly hating those who are different?

My heart is heavy. I worry if my silence over the years has come across as condoning some of the bigoted/hypocritical/self-righteous expressions I've heard or witnessed. I will always remember how my insides felt when certain things were whispered, said or done.  Every incident I was speechless.

I teach my kids to be kind. They are very bright and quality humans. I taught them early on. My dear husband and I try to be positive examples. Keep your hands out of your pockets when in stores, even if you're cold. Don't wear a hoodie while out. Even if the jacket worn has a hood.

Be articulate -- speak clearly and grammatically correct. Read and educate yourself. Study and advance through life based on your brains and merit. Earn your wealth and status in life. As you ascend in your personal greatness, have compassion for the less fortunate. Remember, everyone's reality is different. Some have to fight harder than others to overcome their abysmal circumstance.

I remind them that some people are not taught to get to know you before prejudging you. No one will actually see how smart you are. How funny you are. How humbled and giving you are. Or even, they are not taught to see that you were raised by two quality and educated parents - a mother AND a father. All they may see is color. For all their parents saw was color, and so on.

Some will assume you're some negative stereotype. Rather than respecting and valuing you more once the quality of who you are as a person is revealed, they may become angered when you prove  {through behavior alone} to them that you're not some statistic. You are not your skin.

Though I come from childhood trauma. Extreme abuse, neglect and abandonment. For the most part. Neither do I fit some stereotype. I'd like to believe the amazing friendships/relationships I've attracted & appreciated over my lifetime - they all value and cherish who I am "Sage" as a human being.

When I enter a room, I'd hope they all see my shine, my up-beat, optimistic personality. For I am a survivor of many obstacles and tragedies.

I may have been a fatherless child, BUT,... I am not my skin!

Cont' - I hope they see my strength, even on days I feel my weakest. Days when I may feel less of myself when I feel like giving up. Days when dying seems easiest. It is LOVE and LIGHT that gets me through. Is the fuel for my fight to live through the daily challenges of this disease and life period.

My mission in life is to genuinely be apart of the good in the world, rather than the ugly that tends to darken every light. The more we bring to life kids that are taught to hate by being a primary observer of their parents patterns and behaviors. You think they are not watching/are not listening. But...

One doesn't know the life journey of another. We all can't believe in the same things. We all can't feel the same things. One religion or political party is not superior to another. However, when the "compassionate, emphatic folk" witness someone being hurt with words or actions - eventually, we'll erupt. As our silence can be part of the problem.

Am I complicit? When I vote, I think of humanity - the people (of all races and genders), the poor, the privileged. The present, the future. And so on.

I'm pro-HUMAN. I care deeply for the living. It is evident in the current protest. All lives matter. You see all races affected by the racial ugliness.

I wear my mask because I'm pro-HUMAN. I care for myself/my family. I care for others. If I catch Covid, I can die (with my litany of medical conditions).

Covid has aired the ugliness, the injustice, the unfairness. Now this.
The murders are airing all the racial ugliness. Who parented these murderers?

People are angry. Enraged.

Where is the leadership in all of this? Previous protest (with torches, with armed weapons) were defined as "good people". Current protest has been defined as "thugs" and thoughts of being dealt with with "shooting" and "dogs". Who condones language like this?

Certain things we do and believe reveals who we are. Even when we are silent at a time in history like this. Who's side are you on? Which tweets/behavior do you agree with? What kind of example are you towards your children and your grandchildren? When future offspring's read about these times in history, what will "your choices" say about you?

We are dealing with many viruses. Covid. and hatred for those who are different. Why are some defined by their color? Does pigment automatically make the person expendable? Black/Brown = bad. White/other = good. Monitor your thinking  when you are around someone different. Who are you?

If a man had his foot viciously at the neck of a dog/cat, thus squeezing the life out of it. Imagine... This happened to a human being! This was a man already subdued. Begging for his life! Crying out to his mother! Ultimately he died over a $20 bill while black.

People are hurting. We need a quality human to help heal the constant hurt.

PTSD is what some in certain communities live with each day due to what they experience.

If people are okay with the woman who called police on bird watcher {google Emmett Till}...
If people are okay with the woman shot to death while she slept...
If people are okay with the young, male jogger shot to death...
If people are okay with the recent death of George Floyd...
If people are okay with all the racial injustices that plague our nation...

How many of these situations that weren't videotaped?
How can one live with such hatred and secretly do such vile things?

Thousands upon thousands are marching all over the nation. All colors are marching. Why the anger? Look around. Evaluate your own heart and mind to uncover hidden biases. Recall the racially-suspect conversations you've had or heard.

Silence condones the violence. Spectators were pleading with officers to let Floyd breathe. The senseless murder continued. Obviously fueled by pure hate. Fellow officers watched in silence. No healing tweets. Nothing productive or humane.

"I can't breathe!"

I'm afraid. Whenever I encounter someone without a mask, I wonder. For the past few years, I've been wondering about several injustices. How long can I maintain this respectful silence in the midst of so much worldly ugliness?

From now on...

I speak.
I stand.
I am pro-Human.
I am a mother, a wife; a friend. I matter. My family matters. My diverse friendships matter.  I can no longer be silent. I stand for justice and peace for all races. I stand for the religious to the nonreligious. I stand for the the political to the nonpolitical.

"No justice, No peace!"

Sixth day following the death of George Floyd. How did things elevate to this?

There has been so much pain of late. Not only the physical from my medical condition - currently dealing with discomforts in my joints. Difficulty walking or standing. Being able to swim  (preCovid) several times per week may have prevented this extra ailment. Lately, while under quarantine. I've been taking 25 minute walks twice per day. Strength and ability during walks is no where near the benefits felt from 1-2 hour lap swimming.

There has been so much pain from the results of Covid. Who would have thought America would allow something so deadly to infect our shores. 100,000 plus deaths and escalating. Who do we blame for such chaos and catastrophic realities?

There is so much pain from what so many now are protesting. All races, religions, genders, etc are now marching for justice. What happened to George Floyd. Any human with a purse felt deep anguish on what we all witness on video days ago. If you're pro-life, you gotta be also pro-Human.

This is the one of the worst nightmares of any one of color. A mother, a father, and so on. We all fear this. We all try desperately to protect our young from so many horrors, and this. Having a person who is supposedly trained to protect, instead. Inclined to put his foot on our necks. As we cry out to our mother. Beg for mercy. Ultimately, perish in front of many.

Thankfully this was caught on video. Many deaths by police are happening all over the world. Many are video-tapped. Nothing happens. Officer goes on with his/her life.

At some point. These reoccurent incidents will result on this. The anger many of us are feeling now. How much can one take?

Currently I write from the confinements of my dialysis chair. Here since 4:45 am (for my 3x's, 3 hrs per week treatments)  with 2 1/2 hours left. Additional policies and procedures has been implemented due to coronavirus. Strict adherence is rigorously being enforced.

Temperature taken, mask/gown given immediately prior to entering facility. Hands and fistula washed prior to being seated. Both my husband and I (who sits/stays with me during entire treatment for the past six plus years) are to go through extra sanitary precautions. However, he can no longer rest in the car  (and re-enter) during my long treatments after today. He is to either stay full three plus hours seated in a hard, uncomfortable chair by my side, or go to the car (or leave) and pick me up when I'm done. We're adaptive.

I greatly  appreciate the updated policies and procedures being done to keep us high-risk patients, dedicated staff and committed visitors protected. We are compliant minus any complaints. It is vital that renal patients continue routine life-sustaining treatments - regardless of the terrorizing pandemic upon us. There is not a day that we can miss dialysis with our compromised kidneys.

Usually I sleep soundly through the full three hours. Once I’m set up, enormous needles inserted, and all my comforts (pillows, socks, blankets, eye covering; books, water, phone, tablet, knitting and fan nearby) are in place, I’m out. My husband remains by my side until I’m comfortable and settled then he leaves to rest in the car until time is near for my needles to be removed. But now, he has to stay in the unit during my entire treatments. I worry the strain this portion may cause, especially since he works soon after we arrive home. When will he rest?

Once three hours are up, more time is spent firmly pressing on fistula holes until openings clot in order to stop bleeding. Bandages are  left on for several hours at home to assure sufficient clotting; otherwise, blood squirts nonstop everywhere.

My blood pressure is taken and if the readings are adequate,  I weigh myself to determine amount of fluid removed. Finally, I go home to rest, especially these days with "stay at home". Typically I'm very active afterwards.  Daily responsibilities and social activities - which are crucial to my mental well-being.

I write all this to bring up a recent occurrence. I’ve begun to experience extreme "hot flashes" for two or more hours while confined to dialysis chair (one arm with two huge needles and the other with regular monitoring blood pressure cuff).  During this time I’m sweating profusely  (even though it gets extremely cold in unit requiring me to cloak myself in two blankets topped by a  big, heavy, comfy handmade quilt). Any sleep is not happening under these recent unpleasant overheated conditions. All the comforts mentioned above are removed.  I begin to vigorously fan myself while anxiously counting the hours. Staff nor my husband can help me through the hormonal misery.

Now mind you, my mental state has already been waning for months now. February 14th of this year (2020) marked 6 years of renal failure/dialysis. The estimated waiting list for a transplant is up to 10 years (here in California). So, initially I was internally celebrating my approaching the privilege of receiving a quality & functional kidney, only to discover, I will no longer urinate until transplant.

Months ago I realized I hadn’t urinated in awhile. Prior to this change I was expelling a little over a drop mostly, and happily, a stream on rare occasion. After inquiring the nature of this change, I was informed that eliminating urine will cease for most on dialysis by year six. For some reason, this fact devastated me. Quietly I mourned my inability to pee. However, I eventually became more gleeful for the ability to still have bowel movements. *Perspective.

As time progressed, I had fewer days of mourning which evolved into more frequent days of optimism. I was relieved for the renewed persistence, the determination to finally press forward with my usual outlook on my condition. Monitor my attitude. Continue with dreadful renal diet coupled with beneficial exercise - for me, mainly hours of athletic lap swimming combined with biking, walking and weights.

Fast forward to now. A mammoth crisis which seemed unfathomable considering status in the world. Daily I find myself declining into total emotional darkness. I feel guilt during those abysmal moments where I may struggle to stay in the NOW. After all, I still have so much to be thankful for.

Realistically, NOW is really all we ever had before this crisis. NOW will remain all we ever have after this crisis. We gotta hold on. Stick around to see the sunshine. A reassuring rainbow lovingly arching all those countries negatively affected by this nefarious virus.

My heart breaks for those suffering with illness, with death of their loved ones. The domino effect of all the continued loss and uncertainty is too much. I wanna hide deep beneath my fortunate "safety at home". Cower by burying my head in the sand until it's all over.

Everyday I  chase a sense of normalcy and balance. I take a the time to bathe in sheer gratitude. Thankful for what remains now. My family, my friends, my acquaintances, my associates are fine. No reasonable emotion of feeling alone. After all, we are all in this together with our understandable fears, anxieties, stresses, worries;  mental frailties. Everyone can't be a hero(ion) 24/7

Personally, I’ve survived a plethora of life’s unthinkable(s). Have lived through the unimaginable. During all those dreadful horrors I felt painfully alone. Catastrophic misery. Oftentimes I wanted to give up. Immediately angered to face another day. How much can one person bare, I’d wonder. Now this. This thing with absolutely no solution. Not even the most brilliant mind has an answer. So now what?

What do we do, where do we go in the midst of all our social, political, religious, racial, cultural divisiveness plaguing our planet in spite all the self-righteousness.

WE Rise!
Rise above all those destructive thoughts, tantrums, tyrannies & traits. In truth, all our journey's are different. Who and what we are is ultimately the result of where we've been as an individual. Have compassion. Human decency. Change first gotta happen from within as one leads and lectures by example.

I can't judge the next person for their undeniable difference(s) in beliefs/philosophy/ideology/mythology no more than anyone can judge me. In the end, which is what this thing is revealing - all of us are perishable. The virus is one of the fewest things that has proven not to discriminate. It ravages us all with it's hate.

It is becoming clear. It attacks, it destroys the good, the bad and the ugly. We've lost too many that were contributors of the "good" in this world. They are gone too soon, but never forgotten.

Fact is. The continued chaos has proven this is no hoax. We all are stressed, some depressed. This thing is definitely humbling. It reveals who we really are as a nation, as a people. Character has no color. No political affiliation. No religious denomination. All are capable of embodying morality and hopefully teaching/demonstrating to our offspring genuine values in order to peacefully contribute to global harmony for all.

Let's all move forward. Let's listen to and embrace sincere expressions of honesty, empathy, scientific intelligence and common sense reasoning. Those authentically displaying humanitarian compassion, unity and productivity for the betterment of human/womankind ~ baring the unwavering qualities essential to establishing all that's necessary (regardless of cost, class, country or color) to bring forth an immediate ending to this hellish nightmare.

Figure out how we can use ourselves, our resources minus an agenda other than to come together as one.

Please, for the sake of yourselves, your families/friends and your fellowman --- Stay home. Exercise social distancing. Wear masks. Wash your hands thoroughly. Listen to the experts on this type of thing. Let's get through this together - in one piece, with renewed minds and hearts.

Thank all  of those using their talents, gifts and hearts unselfishly to help, to heal. The pure goodness of others is what gives me hope. Sadly, I'm afraid. Hope is not enough.

til Next time,
Sage

Since Sunday, January 26th 2020, my heart has been broken into a zillion pieces.

Not that I was a major fan. Admittedly, I had issues with the perceived selfishness with the ball. The seemed arrogance annoyed me to no end. However, there was extreme respect. The few things I knew of him, outside of basketball was impressive. His intelligence. His confidence. His work ethic. His determination. His focus.

There was much about who and what he was to be admired. Many aspects of his character were qualities a parent can only wish for in their offspring.

My heart goes out to those privileged to actually know him. His family and his friends. I can't imagine the anguish they are feeling at every second of the day.

How will the world recover from this? How can any of us watch another basketball game and not think, not grieve for his absence in this world?

What a loss of this magnitude reminds me of. To live your life to the absolute fullest. Set the bar high for yourself and work diligently to achieve dreams and desires. Be confident. Be strong.

Face your obstacles. Face your mistakes head on. Be responsible and earn forgiveness by being of exemplary character. Be worthy of honor and respect.

This loss reminds me that bad things can certainly happen to the best of us. No one is exempt from intense pain. We have to be kind to one another. For no one knows what the future holds.

Next month (February 6th), my deceased daughter would have been 20 years old. As the date of her birth approaches, anxiety grows. How did I survive the loss of a child all these years? How can any parent bare life without their child in it?

This recent loss is a reminder that we gotta go on. We gotta move forward through the grief of life's unthinkables. We gotta take one step at a time until we get to the other side of pain. Through our grief, may we learn compassion.  Learn not to waste time and energy on the superficial.

May we become more determined to accomplish those goals that frighten us. Make the necessary changes within that we wish to experience in others. Life is short. So let's start now making positive things happen in this world. Leave an impact improves the conditions of that in need of improvements.

A son, a father, a husband, a brother, a friend, a mentor, a legend is gone. Forever gone from this world of so much pain and suffering and heartache and disappointment. But if we all stop to reflect on just how fortunate we all are -- for he, his greatness was here in our lifetime.

RIP Kobe Bryant, his daughter Gigi and all those other lives lost.