PTSD

been reminded of childhood. abuses at the hands of my devoutly religious mother.

few tried to speak up/stand up for me. whenever they did, the abuses escalated. my mother hated me from my unplanned/unwanted birth until her death. my last conversation with her (a few months before she died). she remained very hateful. even in her declined health. she told me i welcomed the sexual abuses from my molester. i reminded her i was only 9 when the abuse started. she yelled, "you wanted it! you followed him everywhere. i hired an investigator to trace your steps". at the time. i was in the car as i listened to this foolishness. my teen aged daughter started college at 14 (just like my son). so i would sit in my car on the schools campus. since i waited for hours, i used part of the time to call and check on my mother (who at the time. resided in a nursing facility).

each and every time i spoke to her she was abusive. if ever loving, it was to manipulate me. she spoke to me like i was a child. as if i owed her something. this last time. i told her if she kept being abusive when i took time from my peaceful life to call, it would be the very last time she'd hear from me. this day, she started the conversation of the sexual abuse. i never brought it up. for some reason. whenever i'd contact her. she was argumentative. constantly bringing up the past - which made no sense

before, i would beg her to stop. or, i would change the subject to something light like the weather or something mundane. this last day. she was just as aggressive, just as volatile. i reminded her she's a christian and that perhaps god was listening. that didn't work. her righteous beliefs never dictated her atrocious behavior. all these years. she's been fanatical in her beliefs. spoke in tongues, quoted scripture the whole dynamic. never respected the possible belief differences in others.

she was righteous and perfect. her beliefs were the only way for the entire world - her chosen religion. her chosen god. her lifestyle. her way or no way.

she had no problems existing in her hypocrisy. frequently she'd tell me i'm from hell and that i was going to hell. i never understood. imagine telling a small, shy kid. she's from hell.  i was an obedient child. as an adult, i live a quality life. i can't think of any reason for her to think ill of me, yet nothing i did seemed to be worthy of her maternal, unconditional love.

her priorities were herself. money. material things. men. religion/god. never ever was it motherhood.

back to this last day. she kept going on and on about how i wanted it. i reminded her through tears over and over again that i was a child. this was a man SHE had in the house. even after she learned of the abuse, she continued to have a relationship with this person. kicked me out of the house at between ages 16-18.

after about an hour of this hostility. knowing that this was the last time i'd deal with her severe abuse. all my life. she's been verbally, emotionally, physically abusive. extremely neglectful. as a result, i deal with abandonment issues til this day. i recovered. but there are hellish reminders i work through daily.

no father. absolutely no support or contact from him. i was born out of wedlock. she was married. my father was married. but not to each other. he fathered kids in and outside his marriage. i was a secret though. not worthy of his name or love. i was conceived out of an adulterous act. daily i was reminded i was less than. i was a bastard. i never understood what i did to be defined as such. why was i being punished? why was her god so angry at me? and why is he allowing her to treat me so badly? when were the angels going to save me from this torture. irrational thoughts only a lonely, naive child could have.

this day. final day. i can still remember how i felt on the insides of my body. sickened by what i was hearing, but strong enough to assert myself. at first, i was feeling like a helpless child. i felt unworthy. unlovable. i felt alone. i was beginning to wish to no longer be here on earth while in that emotionally destructive moment. yes, i always yearned for maternal (and paternal) love. but this day, i had enough being the source of her maternal inadequacy, a reminder of "her sin".

then i remembered. I AM WORTHY.  I AM LOVABLE. I AM NOT ALONE. i have family and friends who love and value my existence. like a phoenix. i began to rise. began to sit upright into the car seat. i rolled up the windows. it was a very warm day.  my voiced changed. firmly. clearly & calmly i said to her. listen to me. i am here in the car using my free time to talk to you. i had dialysis earlier. i should be resting. i tried my best to be a good enough for you. be of quality yet nothing i did in this life is enough for you. i'm paraphrasing. this is the last day being subjected to your misplaced rage. i did nothing but love you from a distance. i told you repeatedly that you have been forgiven even though you've done absolutely nothing to earn it. i was a child and you did not protect me. you never protected me from all the unfortunate events that destroyed my innocence. destroyed my self-esteem. i was a victim over and over again. you abandoned me over and over again. i am now here. a survivor from life's unthinkables.  you will never hear my voice again. i am done. good bye mother. then, i hung up the phone. calmed myself before my daughter got out of class. haven't looked back

after standing up to the bully, i felt freer. i could breath without suffocating from unpleasant memories or fears of her wickedness. i share this to say. the bully that's supposedly leading us all now reminds me of my mother. she died mid-december 2019. about  a year prior to her death. i learned she was schizophrenic.  the 1970's horror movie, Carrie, similar to my scary mother.

all those painful years. people in my childhood environment were either just like my mother. or they were too afraid of her. our tweeting leader reminds me of my mother. he has so many of her traits.  i  often wonder about those who elected him. do they agree with his behavior or, are they too afraid to stand/speak up. do they condone the divisiveness, the hatefulness. or, are they afraid of his wrath? like my mother, this leader is so vindictive, he'll ruin of those who disagree.

like my mother, no one can reason with her. she was very envious, even of me. her own daughter. if someone complemented my beauty, she'd say. Well, i ain't ugly. as if those complements of me were insulting to her. makes no sense. and nothing political these days makes any sense.

she was threatened by intelligence. never studied or read herself, but wanted to destroy those whose intellect made her feel inferior. instead of surrounding herself with knowledge, she'd make irrational decisions based upon her instincts at the moment.

she ruin the reputations of others with name-calling, falsehoods. she'd go on a rage until she got peacemakers to back off. She used her anger, her wealth as a weapon.

she would often threaten to take things away from me (or others) whenever she felt slighted. she would use her religion as a terrifying scare tactic.

she would purposely ruin opportunities for me, then blame me as if, i was a complete failure.

she manipulate with temporary kindness with gifts and fake pleasantness. then when you don't fall for her scheme, she'll punish you by taking back material things, plus more.

she would have the brainwashed believe all her lies until she, in fact, comes for them. she will make those in her social circle hate you without even knowing you.

like i said, the abuses worsened whenever someone would try to speak/stand up for me. right now. if i spoke highly about someone she didn't like, she would accuse me of loving them more and result in her taking things from me. eventually, her last week alive. she took the time to make the necessary contracts to let everyone know - do not leave my daughter or her family anything. i'm her only child. and i spent a lifetime with her abuses, and was left with zero in the end. all her wealth left to someone she didn't like and to the state.

she made sure i suffered in her death. i forgave her. but even in all her religiosity, she never forgave me for my sheer existence.

as a nation. we have endured these dreadful times of a pandemic scientists warned about. we all are in the midst of surviving through the viruses of Covid and racism. both have the power to be destructively to our lives.

comparing behaviors of my late mother, i worry about those who are speaking/standing up. the allies risking their lives during the coronavirus pandemic to protest in the streets for our rights. justice and freedom for all.

i worry about those with skin like mine. they'll be attacked even more because of resentments of the veil being lifted. the world is watching. the world is now doing the judging.

already there have been threats. name calling. nothing said or done that is remotely productive. whenever an ally comes forward and speaks out against all the hate, the hate is  unfairly turned toward them. their skin is no longer their protection.

like my mother, we are being lead with immature negativity.  and publicly the vengeance is being made known. his words/tweets and policies are reflecting his truest nature and the nature of those that have condoned the ugliness thus far. military has been sent to destroy. police have been instructed to destroy.

nevertheless there has been a rainbow of allies. colorful hands raised high - Black Lives Matter.

as i type. i have the tv on. i know constantly hearing or reading about  current events is not healthy. but what has been my medicine through this tyrannical terror. has been the global uproar and rage against the green monster of hatred.

my skin has been my sin. the circumstances of my birth has been my sin. my father wasn't man enough (at the time) to stick around. instead he left me with a sick and twisted mother. he knew what kind of person she was. he had to know how i was treated. i had to find him in my late 20's. imagine that?

his way of fathering me now has been to call/text me every now and then. ask about my plants. how was dialysis. if the conversation gets too deep, or if i'm having problems, he's hurries off the phone. my way of making him comfortable enough to contact me, is to text "i had a good day today". no, he hasn't offered his kidney. has never invested a dime in regards to my upbringing or well-being. but, getting a call or a text is all i'm worth to him. and sure, i'll take it. for it's all he's willing to give to at least one of his kids. he's no drama. and i am graciously accepting what i can get in order to have a relationship with a parent. thankfully, he doesn't show rage like my mother. he's much easier to get along with. Hopefully, his other kids/step-kids were/are privileged the best of who was/is

as a people. we must get through this part of history in one piece. what side of history will your descendant's learn you were on? what are you fighting for. human rights and justice for all? or, continued the inheritance & luxury of  privileges of "your" skin?