Watching or reading about local/global news is not healthy. I know this fixation is causing me to physically and emotionally decline, but. For some reason I can't look away. It's like driving past a horrible car accident. Suspecting their may be gore ahead, yet I turn and look. Geesh, what have I become?

Since the 2016 election. I've tried to protect my mind. Since then, the ugliness has gotten uglier day by day. Week by week. Year by year. Now  here we are. 100,000 plus deaths to Covid, along with instigated racial and political divisions.

The sleepless nights. The anxious days. I can't control what's happening in the world. I can change how I respond. Lately, I don't like myself. Who/what am I becoming?

I feel helpless.
I feel hopeless.

I feel angry.
I feel alone.

The pain intensifies daily. The unity I see nationwide has made breathing a bit easier. I find myself turning to my blog to vent. My husband and kids remain disengaged. They have wisely guarded their entire being from the obvious injustices, the inequalities, the insanity occurring.

This nation was supposedly to be Made Great Again.
Great for who?
Great for solely one party?
Great for solely one race?

Who has been okay with the ill-tempered  tweets?
Who has been okay with the immoral behavior?

I'm struggling when thinking of how I'll socialize with those of opposing viewpoints that are geared towards division. Before, I was fine keeping quiet when political/religious opinions were openly discussed. Every time this occurred I felt sick to my stomach hearing the twisted justified  politicizing of everything. Resentment towards differing in opinions. Quietly I wondered. Will they like/love  me if they knew I didn't believe what they believed. That I "Sage" was one who fell under the umbrella of those whom they expressed disdain.

 I love indiscriminately. I love minus conditions. My friendship circle is diverse. Reflecting all who inhabit our world. There is no interest in being controlled, converted, or changed in any way. And I respect others enough not to attempt to control, convert or change anyone else.

I have so much respect for those who freely live in their truth. Those that are attracted to the same sex and have no qualms showing the world who they are. This takes such courage. They can easily hide as no one will really know who they love/like. Their openness gives me strength to be me.

People who are different period are my heroes. And through all the ugliness that's happening, by the time quarantine ends, I will have built up the courage to also live my truth freely.

First, I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself for hiding.  Forgive myself for not speaking up. I think my respecting others. By cowardly avoiding potential confrontation or conflict.  By remaining silent was truthfully weakness and fear. Possibly being ostracized or abandon...

I can't be silent any longer. I don't agree with all the hate happening before my eyes. People are suffering. I am suffering. Yet all the allies are risking their lives in order to stand/speak with/for us.

Peaceful protesters have been walking/kneeling for the rights of all.  Black Lives Matter signs are being raised with White hands. These allies could easily rest in their white privileges. Sit back and judge the black man/woman for their understandable anger and finally rising up.

We've been obediently submissive for long enough. We are being killed by those who should protect us. The threat of our skin has condoned ignorance and hate.

A rainbow of allies have risen. Our rainbow of humanity have awakened. We all are woke now. Racism is being condemned on every level. Finally, it is being acknowledged that -- Black Lives Matter.

Shooting, dogs are ordered. Called thugs and son-of-bitches for peaceful protest.We didn't show up at places of law with guns intimidating. We are not marching with torches.We are not refusing to wear masks to protect our fellowman from death. Protest have been peaceful in hopes for justice for all.

Frustration from injustice of the past and the present helped propel us to a better future. Now we are here. Still in need of justice and equality.

I'm so grateful. I'm thankful that I know and love some of these allies. They are some of my dearest friends. I've eaten at their tables as they have mine. They see me and I see them. We are equals. Now, with honesty and self-reflection. We have to see how the world is not experiencing the same fairness.

Thanks to video, the world is finally seeing what we have to live with being in our skin.  I cry out. I am not my skin. I am peace.  I am love.I am happiness. I am you. You are me.