Tuesday, June 9, 2020
Friday, June 5, 2020
PTSD
been reminded of childhood. abuses at the hands of my devoutly religious mother.
few tried to speak up/stand up for me. whenever they did, the abuses escalated. my mother hated me from my unplanned/unwanted birth until her death. my last conversation with her (a few months before she died). she remained very hateful. even in her declined health. she told me i welcomed the sexual abuses from my molester. i reminded her i was only 9 when the abuse started. she yelled, "you wanted it! you followed him everywhere. i hired an investigator to trace your steps". at the time. i was in the car as i listened to this foolishness. my teen aged daughter started college at 14 (just like my son). so i would sit in my car on the schools campus. since i waited for hours, i used part of the time to call and check on my mother (who at the time. resided in a nursing facility).
each and every time i spoke to her she was abusive. if ever loving, it was to manipulate me. she spoke to me like i was a child. as if i owed her something. this last time. i told her if she kept being abusive when i took time from my peaceful life to call, it would be the very last time she'd hear from me. this day, she started the conversation of the sexual abuse. i never brought it up. for some reason. whenever i'd contact her. she was argumentative. constantly bringing up the past - which made no sense
before, i would beg her to stop. or, i would change the subject to something light like the weather or something mundane. this last day. she was just as aggressive, just as volatile. i reminded her she's a christian and that perhaps god was listening. that didn't work. her righteous beliefs never dictated her atrocious behavior. all these years. she's been fanatical in her beliefs. spoke in tongues, quoted scripture the whole dynamic. never respected the possible belief differences in others.
she was righteous and perfect. her beliefs were the only way for the entire world - her chosen religion. her chosen god. her lifestyle. her way or no way.
she had no problems existing in her hypocrisy. frequently she'd tell me i'm from hell and that i was going to hell. i never understood. imagine telling a small, shy kid. she's from hell. i was an obedient child. as an adult, i live a quality life. i can't think of any reason for her to think ill of me, yet nothing i did seemed to be worthy of her maternal, unconditional love.
her priorities were herself. money. material things. men. religion/god. never ever was it motherhood.
back to this last day. she kept going on and on about how i wanted it. i reminded her through tears over and over again that i was a child. this was a man SHE had in the house. even after she learned of the abuse, she continued to have a relationship with this person. kicked me out of the house at between ages 16-18.
after about an hour of this hostility. knowing that this was the last time i'd deal with her severe abuse. all my life. she's been verbally, emotionally, physically abusive. extremely neglectful. as a result, i deal with abandonment issues til this day. i recovered. but there are hellish reminders i work through daily.
no father. absolutely no support or contact from him. i was born out of wedlock. she was married. my father was married. but not to each other. he fathered kids in and outside his marriage. i was a secret though. not worthy of his name or love. i was conceived out of an adulterous act. daily i was reminded i was less than. i was a bastard. i never understood what i did to be defined as such. why was i being punished? why was her god so angry at me? and why is he allowing her to treat me so badly? when were the angels going to save me from this torture. irrational thoughts only a lonely, naive child could have.
this day. final day. i can still remember how i felt on the insides of my body. sickened by what i was hearing, but strong enough to assert myself. at first, i was feeling like a helpless child. i felt unworthy. unlovable. i felt alone. i was beginning to wish to no longer be here on earth while in that emotionally destructive moment. yes, i always yearned for maternal (and paternal) love. but this day, i had enough being the source of her maternal inadequacy, a reminder of "her sin".
then i remembered. I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVABLE. I AM NOT ALONE. i have family and friends who love and value my existence. like a phoenix. i began to rise. began to sit upright into the car seat. i rolled up the windows. it was a very warm day. my voiced changed. firmly. clearly & calmly i said to her. listen to me. i am here in the car using my free time to talk to you. i had dialysis earlier. i should be resting. i tried my best to be a good enough for you. be of quality yet nothing i did in this life is enough for you. i'm paraphrasing. this is the last day being subjected to your misplaced rage. i did nothing but love you from a distance. i told you repeatedly that you have been forgiven even though you've done absolutely nothing to earn it. i was a child and you did not protect me. you never protected me from all the unfortunate events that destroyed my innocence. destroyed my self-esteem. i was a victim over and over again. you abandoned me over and over again. i am now here. a survivor from life's unthinkables. you will never hear my voice again. i am done. good bye mother. then, i hung up the phone. calmed myself before my daughter got out of class. haven't looked back
after standing up to the bully, i felt freer. i could breath without suffocating from unpleasant memories or fears of her wickedness. i share this to say. the bully that's supposedly leading us all now reminds me of my mother. she died mid-december 2019. about a year prior to her death. i learned she was schizophrenic. the 1970's horror movie, Carrie, similar to my scary mother.
all those painful years. people in my childhood environment were either just like my mother. or they were too afraid of her. our tweeting leader reminds me of my mother. he has so many of her traits. i often wonder about those who elected him. do they agree with his behavior or, are they too afraid to stand/speak up. do they condone the divisiveness, the hatefulness. or, are they afraid of his wrath? like my mother, this leader is so vindictive, he'll ruin of those who disagree.
like my mother, no one can reason with her. she was very envious, even of me. her own daughter. if someone complemented my beauty, she'd say. Well, i ain't ugly. as if those complements of me were insulting to her. makes no sense. and nothing political these days makes any sense.
she was threatened by intelligence. never studied or read herself, but wanted to destroy those whose intellect made her feel inferior. instead of surrounding herself with knowledge, she'd make irrational decisions based upon her instincts at the moment.
she ruin the reputations of others with name-calling, falsehoods. she'd go on a rage until she got peacemakers to back off. She used her anger, her wealth as a weapon.
she would often threaten to take things away from me (or others) whenever she felt slighted. she would use her religion as a terrifying scare tactic.
she would purposely ruin opportunities for me, then blame me as if, i was a complete failure.
she manipulate with temporary kindness with gifts and fake pleasantness. then when you don't fall for her scheme, she'll punish you by taking back material things, plus more.
she would have the brainwashed believe all her lies until she, in fact, comes for them. she will make those in her social circle hate you without even knowing you.
like i said, the abuses worsened whenever someone would try to speak/stand up for me. right now. if i spoke highly about someone she didn't like, she would accuse me of loving them more and result in her taking things from me. eventually, her last week alive. she took the time to make the necessary contracts to let everyone know - do not leave my daughter or her family anything. i'm her only child. and i spent a lifetime with her abuses, and was left with zero in the end. all her wealth left to someone she didn't like and to the state.
she made sure i suffered in her death. i forgave her. but even in all her religiosity, she never forgave me for my sheer existence.
as a nation. we have endured these dreadful times of a pandemic scientists warned about. we all are in the midst of surviving through the viruses of Covid and racism. both have the power to be destructively to our lives.
comparing behaviors of my late mother, i worry about those who are speaking/standing up. the allies risking their lives during the coronavirus pandemic to protest in the streets for our rights. justice and freedom for all.
i worry about those with skin like mine. they'll be attacked even more because of resentments of the veil being lifted. the world is watching. the world is now doing the judging.
already there have been threats. name calling. nothing said or done that is remotely productive. whenever an ally comes forward and speaks out against all the hate, the hate is unfairly turned toward them. their skin is no longer their protection.
like my mother, we are being lead with immature negativity. and publicly the vengeance is being made known. his words/tweets and policies are reflecting his truest nature and the nature of those that have condoned the ugliness thus far. military has been sent to destroy. police have been instructed to destroy.
nevertheless there has been a rainbow of allies. colorful hands raised high - Black Lives Matter.
as i type. i have the tv on. i know constantly hearing or reading about current events is not healthy. but what has been my medicine through this tyrannical terror. has been the global uproar and rage against the green monster of hatred.
my skin has been my sin. the circumstances of my birth has been my sin. my father wasn't man enough (at the time) to stick around. instead he left me with a sick and twisted mother. he knew what kind of person she was. he had to know how i was treated. i had to find him in my late 20's. imagine that?
his way of fathering me now has been to call/text me every now and then. ask about my plants. how was dialysis. if the conversation gets too deep, or if i'm having problems, he's hurries off the phone. my way of making him comfortable enough to contact me, is to text "i had a good day today". no, he hasn't offered his kidney. has never invested a dime in regards to my upbringing or well-being. but, getting a call or a text is all i'm worth to him. and sure, i'll take it. for it's all he's willing to give to at least one of his kids. he's no drama. and i am graciously accepting what i can get in order to have a relationship with a parent. thankfully, he doesn't show rage like my mother. he's much easier to get along with. Hopefully, his other kids/step-kids were/are privileged the best of who was/is
as a people. we must get through this part of history in one piece. what side of history will your descendant's learn you were on? what are you fighting for. human rights and justice for all? or, continued the inheritance & luxury of privileges of "your" skin?
been reminded of childhood. abuses at the hands of my devoutly religious mother.
few tried to speak up/stand up for me. whenever they did, the abuses escalated. my mother hated me from my unplanned/unwanted birth until her death. my last conversation with her (a few months before she died). she remained very hateful. even in her declined health. she told me i welcomed the sexual abuses from my molester. i reminded her i was only 9 when the abuse started. she yelled, "you wanted it! you followed him everywhere. i hired an investigator to trace your steps". at the time. i was in the car as i listened to this foolishness. my teen aged daughter started college at 14 (just like my son). so i would sit in my car on the schools campus. since i waited for hours, i used part of the time to call and check on my mother (who at the time. resided in a nursing facility).
each and every time i spoke to her she was abusive. if ever loving, it was to manipulate me. she spoke to me like i was a child. as if i owed her something. this last time. i told her if she kept being abusive when i took time from my peaceful life to call, it would be the very last time she'd hear from me. this day, she started the conversation of the sexual abuse. i never brought it up. for some reason. whenever i'd contact her. she was argumentative. constantly bringing up the past - which made no sense
before, i would beg her to stop. or, i would change the subject to something light like the weather or something mundane. this last day. she was just as aggressive, just as volatile. i reminded her she's a christian and that perhaps god was listening. that didn't work. her righteous beliefs never dictated her atrocious behavior. all these years. she's been fanatical in her beliefs. spoke in tongues, quoted scripture the whole dynamic. never respected the possible belief differences in others.
she was righteous and perfect. her beliefs were the only way for the entire world - her chosen religion. her chosen god. her lifestyle. her way or no way.
she had no problems existing in her hypocrisy. frequently she'd tell me i'm from hell and that i was going to hell. i never understood. imagine telling a small, shy kid. she's from hell. i was an obedient child. as an adult, i live a quality life. i can't think of any reason for her to think ill of me, yet nothing i did seemed to be worthy of her maternal, unconditional love.
her priorities were herself. money. material things. men. religion/god. never ever was it motherhood.
back to this last day. she kept going on and on about how i wanted it. i reminded her through tears over and over again that i was a child. this was a man SHE had in the house. even after she learned of the abuse, she continued to have a relationship with this person. kicked me out of the house at between ages 16-18.
after about an hour of this hostility. knowing that this was the last time i'd deal with her severe abuse. all my life. she's been verbally, emotionally, physically abusive. extremely neglectful. as a result, i deal with abandonment issues til this day. i recovered. but there are hellish reminders i work through daily.
no father. absolutely no support or contact from him. i was born out of wedlock. she was married. my father was married. but not to each other. he fathered kids in and outside his marriage. i was a secret though. not worthy of his name or love. i was conceived out of an adulterous act. daily i was reminded i was less than. i was a bastard. i never understood what i did to be defined as such. why was i being punished? why was her god so angry at me? and why is he allowing her to treat me so badly? when were the angels going to save me from this torture. irrational thoughts only a lonely, naive child could have.
this day. final day. i can still remember how i felt on the insides of my body. sickened by what i was hearing, but strong enough to assert myself. at first, i was feeling like a helpless child. i felt unworthy. unlovable. i felt alone. i was beginning to wish to no longer be here on earth while in that emotionally destructive moment. yes, i always yearned for maternal (and paternal) love. but this day, i had enough being the source of her maternal inadequacy, a reminder of "her sin".
then i remembered. I AM WORTHY. I AM LOVABLE. I AM NOT ALONE. i have family and friends who love and value my existence. like a phoenix. i began to rise. began to sit upright into the car seat. i rolled up the windows. it was a very warm day. my voiced changed. firmly. clearly & calmly i said to her. listen to me. i am here in the car using my free time to talk to you. i had dialysis earlier. i should be resting. i tried my best to be a good enough for you. be of quality yet nothing i did in this life is enough for you. i'm paraphrasing. this is the last day being subjected to your misplaced rage. i did nothing but love you from a distance. i told you repeatedly that you have been forgiven even though you've done absolutely nothing to earn it. i was a child and you did not protect me. you never protected me from all the unfortunate events that destroyed my innocence. destroyed my self-esteem. i was a victim over and over again. you abandoned me over and over again. i am now here. a survivor from life's unthinkables. you will never hear my voice again. i am done. good bye mother. then, i hung up the phone. calmed myself before my daughter got out of class. haven't looked back
after standing up to the bully, i felt freer. i could breath without suffocating from unpleasant memories or fears of her wickedness. i share this to say. the bully that's supposedly leading us all now reminds me of my mother. she died mid-december 2019. about a year prior to her death. i learned she was schizophrenic. the 1970's horror movie, Carrie, similar to my scary mother.
all those painful years. people in my childhood environment were either just like my mother. or they were too afraid of her. our tweeting leader reminds me of my mother. he has so many of her traits. i often wonder about those who elected him. do they agree with his behavior or, are they too afraid to stand/speak up. do they condone the divisiveness, the hatefulness. or, are they afraid of his wrath? like my mother, this leader is so vindictive, he'll ruin of those who disagree.
like my mother, no one can reason with her. she was very envious, even of me. her own daughter. if someone complemented my beauty, she'd say. Well, i ain't ugly. as if those complements of me were insulting to her. makes no sense. and nothing political these days makes any sense.
she was threatened by intelligence. never studied or read herself, but wanted to destroy those whose intellect made her feel inferior. instead of surrounding herself with knowledge, she'd make irrational decisions based upon her instincts at the moment.
she ruin the reputations of others with name-calling, falsehoods. she'd go on a rage until she got peacemakers to back off. She used her anger, her wealth as a weapon.
she would often threaten to take things away from me (or others) whenever she felt slighted. she would use her religion as a terrifying scare tactic.
she would purposely ruin opportunities for me, then blame me as if, i was a complete failure.
she manipulate with temporary kindness with gifts and fake pleasantness. then when you don't fall for her scheme, she'll punish you by taking back material things, plus more.
she would have the brainwashed believe all her lies until she, in fact, comes for them. she will make those in her social circle hate you without even knowing you.
like i said, the abuses worsened whenever someone would try to speak/stand up for me. right now. if i spoke highly about someone she didn't like, she would accuse me of loving them more and result in her taking things from me. eventually, her last week alive. she took the time to make the necessary contracts to let everyone know - do not leave my daughter or her family anything. i'm her only child. and i spent a lifetime with her abuses, and was left with zero in the end. all her wealth left to someone she didn't like and to the state.
she made sure i suffered in her death. i forgave her. but even in all her religiosity, she never forgave me for my sheer existence.
as a nation. we have endured these dreadful times of a pandemic scientists warned about. we all are in the midst of surviving through the viruses of Covid and racism. both have the power to be destructively to our lives.
comparing behaviors of my late mother, i worry about those who are speaking/standing up. the allies risking their lives during the coronavirus pandemic to protest in the streets for our rights. justice and freedom for all.
i worry about those with skin like mine. they'll be attacked even more because of resentments of the veil being lifted. the world is watching. the world is now doing the judging.
already there have been threats. name calling. nothing said or done that is remotely productive. whenever an ally comes forward and speaks out against all the hate, the hate is unfairly turned toward them. their skin is no longer their protection.
like my mother, we are being lead with immature negativity. and publicly the vengeance is being made known. his words/tweets and policies are reflecting his truest nature and the nature of those that have condoned the ugliness thus far. military has been sent to destroy. police have been instructed to destroy.
nevertheless there has been a rainbow of allies. colorful hands raised high - Black Lives Matter.
as i type. i have the tv on. i know constantly hearing or reading about current events is not healthy. but what has been my medicine through this tyrannical terror. has been the global uproar and rage against the green monster of hatred.
my skin has been my sin. the circumstances of my birth has been my sin. my father wasn't man enough (at the time) to stick around. instead he left me with a sick and twisted mother. he knew what kind of person she was. he had to know how i was treated. i had to find him in my late 20's. imagine that?
his way of fathering me now has been to call/text me every now and then. ask about my plants. how was dialysis. if the conversation gets too deep, or if i'm having problems, he's hurries off the phone. my way of making him comfortable enough to contact me, is to text "i had a good day today". no, he hasn't offered his kidney. has never invested a dime in regards to my upbringing or well-being. but, getting a call or a text is all i'm worth to him. and sure, i'll take it. for it's all he's willing to give to at least one of his kids. he's no drama. and i am graciously accepting what i can get in order to have a relationship with a parent. thankfully, he doesn't show rage like my mother. he's much easier to get along with. Hopefully, his other kids/step-kids were/are privileged the best of who was/is
as a people. we must get through this part of history in one piece. what side of history will your descendant's learn you were on? what are you fighting for. human rights and justice for all? or, continued the inheritance & luxury of privileges of "your" skin?
Watching or reading about local/global news is not healthy. I know this fixation is causing me to physically and emotionally decline, but. For some reason I can't look away. It's like driving past a horrible car accident. Suspecting their may be gore ahead, yet I turn and look. Geesh, what have I become?
Since the 2016 election. I've tried to protect my mind. Since then, the ugliness has gotten uglier day by day. Week by week. Year by year. Now here we are. 100,000 plus deaths to Covid, along with instigated racial and political divisions.
The sleepless nights. The anxious days. I can't control what's happening in the world. I can change how I respond. Lately, I don't like myself. Who/what am I becoming?
I feel helpless.
I feel hopeless.
I feel angry.
I feel alone.
The pain intensifies daily. The unity I see nationwide has made breathing a bit easier. I find myself turning to my blog to vent. My husband and kids remain disengaged. They have wisely guarded their entire being from the obvious injustices, the inequalities, the insanity occurring.
This nation was supposedly to be Made Great Again.
Great for who?
Great for solely one party?
Great for solely one race?
Who has been okay with the ill-tempered tweets?
Who has been okay with the immoral behavior?
I'm struggling when thinking of how I'll socialize with those of opposing viewpoints that are geared towards division. Before, I was fine keeping quiet when political/religious opinions were openly discussed. Every time this occurred I felt sick to my stomach hearing the twisted justified politicizing of everything. Resentment towards differing in opinions. Quietly I wondered. Will they like/love me if they knew I didn't believe what they believed. That I "Sage" was one who fell under the umbrella of those whom they expressed disdain.
I love indiscriminately. I love minus conditions. My friendship circle is diverse. Reflecting all who inhabit our world. There is no interest in being controlled, converted, or changed in any way. And I respect others enough not to attempt to control, convert or change anyone else.
I have so much respect for those who freely live in their truth. Those that are attracted to the same sex and have no qualms showing the world who they are. This takes such courage. They can easily hide as no one will really know who they love/like. Their openness gives me strength to be me.
People who are different period are my heroes. And through all the ugliness that's happening, by the time quarantine ends, I will have built up the courage to also live my truth freely.
First, I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself for hiding. Forgive myself for not speaking up. I think my respecting others. By cowardly avoiding potential confrontation or conflict. By remaining silent was truthfully weakness and fear. Possibly being ostracized or abandon...
I can't be silent any longer. I don't agree with all the hate happening before my eyes. People are suffering. I am suffering. Yet all the allies are risking their lives in order to stand/speak with/for us.
Peaceful protesters have been walking/kneeling for the rights of all. Black Lives Matter signs are being raised with White hands. These allies could easily rest in their white privileges. Sit back and judge the black man/woman for their understandable anger and finally rising up.
We've been obediently submissive for long enough. We are being killed by those who should protect us. The threat of our skin has condoned ignorance and hate.
A rainbow of allies have risen. Our rainbow of humanity have awakened. We all are woke now. Racism is being condemned on every level. Finally, it is being acknowledged that -- Black Lives Matter.
Shooting, dogs are ordered. Called thugs and son-of-bitches for peaceful protest.We didn't show up at places of law with guns intimidating. We are not marching with torches.We are not refusing to wear masks to protect our fellowman from death. Protest have been peaceful in hopes for justice for all.
Frustration from injustice of the past and the present helped propel us to a better future. Now we are here. Still in need of justice and equality.
I'm so grateful. I'm thankful that I know and love some of these allies. They are some of my dearest friends. I've eaten at their tables as they have mine. They see me and I see them. We are equals. Now, with honesty and self-reflection. We have to see how the world is not experiencing the same fairness.
Thanks to video, the world is finally seeing what we have to live with being in our skin. I cry out. I am not my skin. I am peace. I am love.I am happiness. I am you. You are me.
Since the 2016 election. I've tried to protect my mind. Since then, the ugliness has gotten uglier day by day. Week by week. Year by year. Now here we are. 100,000 plus deaths to Covid, along with instigated racial and political divisions.
The sleepless nights. The anxious days. I can't control what's happening in the world. I can change how I respond. Lately, I don't like myself. Who/what am I becoming?
I feel helpless.
I feel hopeless.
I feel angry.
I feel alone.
The pain intensifies daily. The unity I see nationwide has made breathing a bit easier. I find myself turning to my blog to vent. My husband and kids remain disengaged. They have wisely guarded their entire being from the obvious injustices, the inequalities, the insanity occurring.
This nation was supposedly to be Made Great Again.
Great for who?
Great for solely one party?
Great for solely one race?
Who has been okay with the ill-tempered tweets?
Who has been okay with the immoral behavior?
I'm struggling when thinking of how I'll socialize with those of opposing viewpoints that are geared towards division. Before, I was fine keeping quiet when political/religious opinions were openly discussed. Every time this occurred I felt sick to my stomach hearing the twisted justified politicizing of everything. Resentment towards differing in opinions. Quietly I wondered. Will they like/love me if they knew I didn't believe what they believed. That I "Sage" was one who fell under the umbrella of those whom they expressed disdain.
I love indiscriminately. I love minus conditions. My friendship circle is diverse. Reflecting all who inhabit our world. There is no interest in being controlled, converted, or changed in any way. And I respect others enough not to attempt to control, convert or change anyone else.
I have so much respect for those who freely live in their truth. Those that are attracted to the same sex and have no qualms showing the world who they are. This takes such courage. They can easily hide as no one will really know who they love/like. Their openness gives me strength to be me.
People who are different period are my heroes. And through all the ugliness that's happening, by the time quarantine ends, I will have built up the courage to also live my truth freely.
First, I need to forgive myself. Forgive myself for hiding. Forgive myself for not speaking up. I think my respecting others. By cowardly avoiding potential confrontation or conflict. By remaining silent was truthfully weakness and fear. Possibly being ostracized or abandon...
I can't be silent any longer. I don't agree with all the hate happening before my eyes. People are suffering. I am suffering. Yet all the allies are risking their lives in order to stand/speak with/for us.
Peaceful protesters have been walking/kneeling for the rights of all. Black Lives Matter signs are being raised with White hands. These allies could easily rest in their white privileges. Sit back and judge the black man/woman for their understandable anger and finally rising up.
We've been obediently submissive for long enough. We are being killed by those who should protect us. The threat of our skin has condoned ignorance and hate.
A rainbow of allies have risen. Our rainbow of humanity have awakened. We all are woke now. Racism is being condemned on every level. Finally, it is being acknowledged that -- Black Lives Matter.
Shooting, dogs are ordered. Called thugs and son-of-bitches for peaceful protest.We didn't show up at places of law with guns intimidating. We are not marching with torches.We are not refusing to wear masks to protect our fellowman from death. Protest have been peaceful in hopes for justice for all.
Frustration from injustice of the past and the present helped propel us to a better future. Now we are here. Still in need of justice and equality.
I'm so grateful. I'm thankful that I know and love some of these allies. They are some of my dearest friends. I've eaten at their tables as they have mine. They see me and I see them. We are equals. Now, with honesty and self-reflection. We have to see how the world is not experiencing the same fairness.
Thanks to video, the world is finally seeing what we have to live with being in our skin. I cry out. I am not my skin. I am peace. I am love.I am happiness. I am you. You are me.
Thursday, June 4, 2020
5 am. Here at dialysis. Miraculously privileged a sudden sense of peace and perspective. Grateful for the improved, healthier frame of mind. Back to Sage!
Regardless of the current state of the world. There are more reasons for genuine optimism.
I feel freer, lighter. Responses to the negativity plaguing our world, the unified positivity has propelled us to greatness. We are no longer settling for the ugliness. Bravely, we our forcing beauty by our contributing the best of ourselves towards the solutions.
Fact is. I am not alone in my pain. WE are not alone in our grief.
Hopefully my melancholic rants haven’t defined me. In my blogs I have been true to how I feel. From here on. I dedicate myself towards better controlling my own reality. I don’t have to become that which I am not. I don’t have to become the monster that I fear.
Looking forward to the next minute. The next hour. The next day with immense glee. Months from now I will be able to take part in the freedoms of being an American. I can cast the vote that reflects my frustrations. I can cast the vote that will ultimately change the trajectory onward.
A vote that reflects my protest. No longer do I feel trapped in the limitations of my ailing body. Thankfully I’m still privileged a voice, a mind that considers not only myself, but others.
Regardless of the current state of the world. There are more reasons for genuine optimism.
I feel freer, lighter. Responses to the negativity plaguing our world, the unified positivity has propelled us to greatness. We are no longer settling for the ugliness. Bravely, we our forcing beauty by our contributing the best of ourselves towards the solutions.
Fact is. I am not alone in my pain. WE are not alone in our grief.
Hopefully my melancholic rants haven’t defined me. In my blogs I have been true to how I feel. From here on. I dedicate myself towards better controlling my own reality. I don’t have to become that which I am not. I don’t have to become the monster that I fear.
Looking forward to the next minute. The next hour. The next day with immense glee. Months from now I will be able to take part in the freedoms of being an American. I can cast the vote that reflects my frustrations. I can cast the vote that will ultimately change the trajectory onward.
A vote that reflects my protest. No longer do I feel trapped in the limitations of my ailing body. Thankfully I’m still privileged a voice, a mind that considers not only myself, but others.
Wednesday, June 3, 2020
Sigh! Finally. A leader of quality character spoke. Addressed the nation as a whole, without divisive intent. Immediately I felt a sense of peace, love and calm. Obama!!!!
Elegantly spoken with complete, comprehensive sentences and usage of pronoun "WE" instead of, [initially lowercase for smallness] -"me". Unifying language used. What a breath of fresh air to hear HOPE. To hear unity. To hear intelligence. To hear an optimistic approach to how we, as a nation (regardless our individual politics, religion or race) proceed forward.
Obviously I'm shedding my stance on respectfully keeping my beliefs private. From here forward, I will not be silent. No longer afraid of those who may desire sameness in their relationships.
I had enough with the years of US vs THEM.
I've stomached through a great deal of idiocy, ignorance, insanity and self-righteous ugliness. Over the past few years - daily, hour-by-hour divisive horrors. Way before this pandemic, etc. Many of us will need intensive therapy for PTSD, mental illnesses caused by all the trauma(s) from being lead by the guy in office.
Through it all, those of republican/conservative/Pro-Trump ideologies. They've all remained stoically silent.
I'm sure the bully has even bullied the crickets into silence. But the god-fearing party who criticized and was uncivilized towards Obama, I would expect they'd speak up to the guy they chose.
I wonder, if those who voted for this guy, and made their voice heard on a regular. Why the ghosting? I mean, if they were honest with themselves, the truth, the ugly truth for the reasons for settling for such a .... I don't know how I can politely describe. Just feel in the blank for yourselves.
My point is. Once time permits, or even in your head. List the behaviors & tweets of 44 juxtaposed to 45. Make a list so you can have more of a visual. Then, self-evaluate and the real reasons you chose to vote, thus here we are now. A nation fearing for its life on a daily basis. 100,000 plus deaths and counting. Science, reason and intelligence has been threatened and bullied into silence.
Who's behavior would you want a child to mirror (44 or 45)? Does the color of the leaders skin factor in you decision? Did it factor in your 2016 vote?
Before your votes were cast. Did any of you think critically on What Would Jesus (or messiah of choice) Do? While righteously condoning all the evils we've all been subjected, think to yourselves if Obama had us in this mess, and future messes that will negatively affect/infect generations to come, would you be silent?
Now those of us who are innocent, meaning. Had no say so as to who is currently leading us all through this. We all have to suffer. Some of us more than others. The viruses of Covid and Racism. Both rapidly destroying, devastating, devouring those that are, by no choice of their own. Born colored.
Thankfully the world is proving that white superiority is dated and dying out. It's not cool. Look at the sea of multicolored protesters. You are pretty much alone in your hate. Those of good conscious have outnumbered those of bad. For it is character that is superior. And leaders like Obama, the governors and mayors; quality politicians who are peacefully navigating us all (regardless of our politics/religion/race) through this nightmare.
May we, together as humanity - Make America Great From Here On. For it was never "great" for everyone. Today, there is Hope.
I rejoice in diversity. The unity filling the streets across the nation, across the world makes breathing easier.
Elegantly spoken with complete, comprehensive sentences and usage of pronoun "WE" instead of, [initially lowercase for smallness] -"me". Unifying language used. What a breath of fresh air to hear HOPE. To hear unity. To hear intelligence. To hear an optimistic approach to how we, as a nation (regardless our individual politics, religion or race) proceed forward.
Obviously I'm shedding my stance on respectfully keeping my beliefs private. From here forward, I will not be silent. No longer afraid of those who may desire sameness in their relationships.
I had enough with the years of US vs THEM.
I've stomached through a great deal of idiocy, ignorance, insanity and self-righteous ugliness. Over the past few years - daily, hour-by-hour divisive horrors. Way before this pandemic, etc. Many of us will need intensive therapy for PTSD, mental illnesses caused by all the trauma(s) from being lead by the guy in office.
Through it all, those of republican/conservative/Pro-Trump ideologies. They've all remained stoically silent.
I'm sure the bully has even bullied the crickets into silence. But the god-fearing party who criticized and was uncivilized towards Obama, I would expect they'd speak up to the guy they chose.
I wonder, if those who voted for this guy, and made their voice heard on a regular. Why the ghosting? I mean, if they were honest with themselves, the truth, the ugly truth for the reasons for settling for such a .... I don't know how I can politely describe. Just feel in the blank for yourselves.
My point is. Once time permits, or even in your head. List the behaviors & tweets of 44 juxtaposed to 45. Make a list so you can have more of a visual. Then, self-evaluate and the real reasons you chose to vote, thus here we are now. A nation fearing for its life on a daily basis. 100,000 plus deaths and counting. Science, reason and intelligence has been threatened and bullied into silence.
Who's behavior would you want a child to mirror (44 or 45)? Does the color of the leaders skin factor in you decision? Did it factor in your 2016 vote?
Before your votes were cast. Did any of you think critically on What Would Jesus (or messiah of choice) Do? While righteously condoning all the evils we've all been subjected, think to yourselves if Obama had us in this mess, and future messes that will negatively affect/infect generations to come, would you be silent?
Now those of us who are innocent, meaning. Had no say so as to who is currently leading us all through this. We all have to suffer. Some of us more than others. The viruses of Covid and Racism. Both rapidly destroying, devastating, devouring those that are, by no choice of their own. Born colored.
Thankfully the world is proving that white superiority is dated and dying out. It's not cool. Look at the sea of multicolored protesters. You are pretty much alone in your hate. Those of good conscious have outnumbered those of bad. For it is character that is superior. And leaders like Obama, the governors and mayors; quality politicians who are peacefully navigating us all (regardless of our politics/religion/race) through this nightmare.
May we, together as humanity - Make America Great From Here On. For it was never "great" for everyone. Today, there is Hope.
I rejoice in diversity. The unity filling the streets across the nation, across the world makes breathing easier.
Monday, June 1, 2020
Thankful to all non-black races who were angered enough, humane enough to join in protest. I'm hoping you will continue to speak up, to stand up for "black lives". With more voices and actions against toxic racial injustices, the closer our world gets to evolving into a globe where there is true freedom and justice for all.
In the meantime, I will fight through my fears of abandonment. I adore the people whom I associate. I just hope they love me enough. And regardless of the differing beliefs beneath my skin, it won't compel any to secretly attempt to change, control or convert me to their way of thought or beliefs.
Like the many races who sacrificed getting Covid during protest. Sacrificed losing friendships or family who may resent and/or know them standing firm for "black lives to matter". I can stand firm in who/what I am because my life matters.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind". Dr. Seuss
Thank you all (who protested all over the nation) for giving me "light" --- hope in humanity.
In the meantime, I will fight through my fears of abandonment. I adore the people whom I associate. I just hope they love me enough. And regardless of the differing beliefs beneath my skin, it won't compel any to secretly attempt to change, control or convert me to their way of thought or beliefs.
Like the many races who sacrificed getting Covid during protest. Sacrificed losing friendships or family who may resent and/or know them standing firm for "black lives to matter". I can stand firm in who/what I am because my life matters.
"Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind, don't matter. And those who matter, don't mind". Dr. Seuss
Thank you all (who protested all over the nation) for giving me "light" --- hope in humanity.
It is now 3:30 am.
I can't sleep.
My hands been trembling all day.
My heart is beating hard and rapidly.
I literally can not function due to all the pain.
The pinned up rage I am feeling.
I am so scared.
Praying Hand emojis will not work.
The racial hatred is too much.
Peacefulness will offers no protection.
If and when I go to sleep, what hatefulness will I awake to?
What will I become after all of this?
Will I continue to be silent?
Do I have to be quiet in order to maintain relationships?
What do I do with this pain?
I need to walk, but I can't.
I need to scream, but I can't.
I need to verbally vent, but I can't.
Quarantine is keeping most of us still, and thankfully so.
Protesters out risking Corona Virus the pain was/is so real.
... most out there were wearing mask, still being out was a risk.
I can't sleep.
My hands been trembling all day.
My heart is beating hard and rapidly.
I literally can not function due to all the pain.
The pinned up rage I am feeling.
I am so scared.
Praying Hand emojis will not work.
The racial hatred is too much.
Peacefulness will offers no protection.
If and when I go to sleep, what hatefulness will I awake to?
What will I become after all of this?
Will I continue to be silent?
Do I have to be quiet in order to maintain relationships?
What do I do with this pain?
I need to walk, but I can't.
I need to scream, but I can't.
I need to verbally vent, but I can't.
Quarantine is keeping most of us still, and thankfully so.
Protesters out risking Corona Virus the pain was/is so real.
... most out there were wearing mask, still being out was a risk.
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