Life has an interesting way of slowing some of us down. Prior to my health situation, I was going and going - even with the chronic migraines, I kept going. Either my mind or my body or both was in constant motion. And there I was, thinking my daughter's death (2000) slowed me down. But looking back from this moment currently to before hospitalizations (I can no longer say, since my illness because apparently my health was deteriorating progressively over the years since 2000. I was just in denial, I guess), I was too busy. Yeah, I stopped working. Went on what I called a "hiatus". But fifteen years out of work is turning out to be more than a hiatus. And now, with a physical disability (without the benefits) I find myself fearless and motivated. In a letter to my clients fifteen years ago, I stated, "I'll return when my passion does". Staying away from a craft that I loved - hair-styling  was not what I planned. Hell, I didn't "plan" anything. Life just happened, for me, painfully [head held high]. My point in writing was to express how I'm currently reflecting on the realization the slowing down. And being on dialysis since 2014 now, I'm growing accustomed to this slower pace. Yeah 2000 I started seeing things in more of a slower fashion, I mean really really "seeing" with consciousness. The world seemed and has remained different since the loss, but it's more so. Now in this much more altered state, my body has been forced into idledom. Which forces an attentiveness. A sightfulness. Added discernment. Regardless of my ailments, I still exercise without any excuses. Push myself to do as much as I can for myself. Maintaining (controlling) a sense of independence despite any frailties. While on dialysis I'm doing things I normally did but with a different brain that forces me to try to comprehend in a intricate way. Common sense things no longer come as easy since the stroke/renal failure. Being challenged in understanding basics is foreign to me but has accelerated my growth in an odd way. Perhaps I'll write more concrete once I have found the words to express this feeling that I'm desperate to share. This feeling of appreciation in this life challenge that has me now a holder of a blue disability sticker for the vehicle in which I travel. Additional "stillness" is seeming to be a needed fortune that has me in this moment, blissfully grateful yet perplexed at my own gratitude. In my surreal lifetime I have been and learned to be even more resolute, resilient and rational with life's setbacks. In the slowness, becoming more thankful and aware of that which I'm thankful. Each milestone, rising like a phoenix within the stillness.

Took some much needed time to revisit my reasons for blogging. Now that I've regained my writer's confidence, I will document them here for personal reflection.

I'm blogging because I love to write. Even though I'm not trained or remotely skilled to write anything professionally, I appreciate this blogger forum to explore my thoughts in an open space.

I'm blogging because I end up typing really long emails and text to express a full thought. Over the Internet years I've been told, "you should put this in a book". Many people have told me they've saved my emails and text. Why? I don't know but I hope because they found my writing interesting.

I'm blogging because I wish I were a professional writer. I imagine myself in a nice secluded cottage some place picturesque.  Beauty and occasional ugliness has been my muse. I'd  rather create in an attractive environment. Blogging gives me the feeling of being a real writer - in my head.

I'm blogging because it's therapeutic. Through my daily experiences with life, with my recent health challenges (beginning 2014) and now with my recovery evokes a plethora of thoughts that I want/need to get out. Blogging allows me to purge those mental ramblings in one space. Being that it is shared, it forces me to be more reasonable, more rationale with what's flowing in my head.

I'm blogging because I would like to inspire others in some way. I may not write solutions or come up with lots of "Aha moments", but everything I share is coming from a sincere place and if readers have any solutions to something I may be posting they are welcome to share. This way, other readers may be inspired by another's discovery. So there is no moral to my every post. And that's okay.

I'm blogging because I want to share with others how I'm coping with my reality. What I deal with and how I handle it. Perhaps there is someone  (or know someone) dealing with the same or a similar thing. Reading my blog may help them feel less alone and more validated in their circumstances.

I'm blogging because after my near death health challenges, finally I found the courage to share what I write, thus what I think is shared with others - people, readers who may find what I'm writing interesting and not boring.  I hope to attract curious readers who want to know, "what's going on with Sage these days? Does she have her kidney yet?". Or, "what is she ranting about now?".

Like me, some personalities may find this type of writing fascinating. May be inspired by it's contents in an odd way - the honesty. How I get through dialysis, the aftermath of the stroke, follow the Renal Diet, home educate my kid, have a son in college, be a wife, friend, etc. And I realize my writing style, it's not for everyone. Hopefully like minded, similar minded which are unique minded personalities will find my blog and enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it.

When I'm finally fortunate a healthy kidney, first thing I'm going to freely do is, drink a humongous pitcher of iced water with no trepidation, followed by an assortment of juicy fruits & succulent veggies. Dialysis/Renal disease - these liquid restrictions are killing me, figuratively.

Weight gain has become rapid lately. Weighing in before each treatment has become the bane of my existence. As of late, each weigh in is followed by emotional turmoil at its reading. It gets higher and higher which means, I need extra fluids removed at once, which poses a risk of excruciating muscle cramps during treatments or worse.

It's 4th of July holiday weekend now. I can barely enjoy myself with the constant focus on what I'm consuming in beverage or food. I thought I was self-disciplined enough to get through the complications of this disease like a champion. Lately, I  have been failing myself and those who possibly are inspired by me in silence.

Moments like these are when I wish I had helicopter type parents who hovered my diet and prepared healthy meals for me. Parents who were willingly involved with my recovery and longevity. Yeah, I'm an adult, a grown ass woman. But every child (young or old) yearns for the nurture and guidance of an unconditionally loving, supportive, generous, unselfish parent. Especially if they've never had it. I wish. I wish. I wish.

I wish I were financially wealthy to hire a staff - to cook, to clean. This way I won't have to worry about maintaining those necessary things that has taken so much energy, time and patience to successfully keep up. There would be no guilt or shame in having someone else do the work I've already "paid" them to do. When fatigue from the condition overwhelms me, at least I'll know my personal chef is preparing something suitable for the renal diet I'm on until I get a kidney. Even after the kidney, I plan to continue healthier eating habits.

And my hired cleaning person can alleviate me of my OCD habits and tendencies by simply maintaining a regimen of suitable sanitary and orderly living conditions in my almost hoarded living space (lots of books, yarn, board games, containers...) so that I can avoid obsessing over/ being easily distracted by the littlest, trivial things around me.

Eliminating the sodium intake is crucial. Not only for the high blood pressure, the stroke, the heart issues, the kidney challenges, but for overall health maintenance. High sodium can cause me to get thirstier and crave more liquids, which is something to avoid, so I do.

Before the awareness of my health conditions, I consumed high amounts of iced water on a daily basis. Craved it, enjoyed it. And now, with my frequent runs, bike rides, trips to the gym; completely active lifestyle, my appetite for water, for ice increases. I'm at a quandary. I can have so little liquids it seems so abnormal for me not to naturally drink what my body craves. Sigh.