It has recently been brought to my attention, my mother (aside from a year after my illness, whom I've been estranged for decades) needs my help. And now it has gotten to the point where she'll have minimal power to reject me, as she always have. At some point considering, she's kept her life private from me, I'm going to have to seek legal counsel, for which I have no current resources.

I have been beyond stressed for the past few days. Knots in my upset stomach. Fears. Discomfort. Like now, it's 3:00 am. I have dialysis in an hour - 4:00 am. I have not slept. Tortured memories of an abusive, neglectful, sad childhood keeps playing in my head like a movie reel. Nothing I do to distract from the pain has been of comfort.

Prior to renal disease, when I'd have these memories of my childhood, I was mobile enough to just get up and move my body. No matter the late hour, I'd go for a run. Go for a drive. I'd just get up and go. Move until my disturbed mind calms. But now. I'm stuck. Stuck in my thoughts that are causing debilitating discomforts. A mental and emotional prison because I no longer have the strength or the resource to get up and move.  To go.

My 78 year old mother, who has gone blind over the years, is now in worse shape. Few, if any in the circles she has frequented even know she has a daughter who lives only a few cities away.

Amongst her many secrets, I am one. But now, I'm needed. Not by her, per se, but others who have grown concerned for her situation. I have gotten updated on how she, a person of wealth, has been showing up at her senior center smelling of urine and feces. Combative. Needing more assistance than the usual but has been angrily refusing assistance from those who may trying to help. Facility staff has been puzzled on what to do for a woman who has been active in her community for decades. And no one could notify me directly because again, as far as they knew, I did not exist.

So now, reluctantly, but compassionately I'm taking steps to help. Be there for a person who always been absent or abandoned me in my times of need, be there for her in hers.

My father who was not around in my youth, is here for me through this. thankfully. My rock. I don't want my dear husband involved because he has enough on his plate - caring for me. Tending to our homeschooled daughter. Working. Maintaining the household.

There is so much to figure out. She owns a lot of property for which there is enormous disorganization. She's always had unsavory people around taking advantage, so I don't know to what extent this element has destroyed.

I have limited to no insight to her personal business, even though I'm her only child and have never, ever given her any reason to distrust me, she has never let me in. I've always been like, "the other female" as if, I were some stranger for which, she had to compete.

Without going into all the uglier details, I'm in a very difficult predicament, which I predict, will go on for years, considering all the secrets and her possessions. My main goal is to make sure she's safe and secure. Despite her treatments of me, her well being is my concern. And right now, the weight of the world is on my shoulders. Somehow, I must muster up the resilience to navigate through the processes and environments and obstacles that I'm not at all prepared for.

I gotta present myself with confidence and strength (reveal no weakness even though I feel weak) as in a couple of days I will go and meet with the center my mother frequents. Stoically sit through and listen and try to comprehend all the sordid details the staff and possibly fellow participants are willing to share. Hopefully I'll be equipped with the knowledge, the resources to get me to the next unknown step within this dreaded experience.

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is the anniversary date since being on dialysis (2014). My how time has raced by. I'm so thankful for my health, my strength.

Finally. After over two long months. I swam!

In November of last year I ended up hospitalized with a fistula infection. Then weeks following that recovery I had an unrelated surgery to flatten the grotesque knots on my fistula.

So now that it's the beginning of February, I've been medically cleared to re-enter the pool. And I did. And it was absolutely wonderful.

One huge portion of the pool was heavily populated with a water aerobics class. And the deeper end was cornered off for free swim. I was in this side alone. Free.

As I've written in previous blogs, I just started swimming last year. Had my first swim lesson last summer. And I've been swimming regularly up until fistula issue.

While in the pool, I felt so emotional. Teared up as I smiled while trying to remember to breath correctly all at the same time.

I was like a big plump kid. Sinking mostly but had a continued elation for the one hour or so I stayed in the water. I just didn't want the experience to end. And thankfully, I have the freedom to do it all again soon.

It is February 6th. Happy 17th birthday my beloved daughter.

Your dad, older brother and subsequent, younger sister, we all miss you. Continue to honor and celebrate your short, yet significant life. Embracing what/who you were. What you could have/should have had the privilege to live, experience and become. Times remain challenging in every way since your absence. Today's troubles, though arduous, will never compare to the anguish of losing you.

Mommy pushes harder especially when she wants to give up. Whining and putting off what I can and could do today is not in the mindset. Losing you has continued to be my teacher. Some of us (who grieve in silence baring invisible wounds) -- We smile. We share. We care. Somehow we carry on. We may laugh. Yet we love genuinely, graciously and generously.

Having a child gives parents the greatest joy. Losing a child gives parents the greatest pain. Childbirth can't really be explained. Neither can child[loss]. Both have to be experienced to be comprehended.

We celebrate your life, your date of birth in our own way. Much like other deceased significant people are celebrated, today is a holiday for us and has been since your unexpected death.

Dad is off work. Your sister has a day off homeschooling. Hopefully your brother is honoring you in his way while at college. Some years we get a cake and balloons go somewhere or do something special depending on finances and mood.

We cleanse our body, minds and environment by eating healthier. Monitoring our thoughts more closely. Keeping them aligned with those things and experiences with which we'd prefer to attract.
De-cluttering our living space and if needed, relationships. Honing in on the substantive, meaningful; beneficial necessities to maintain an enlightened life.

Dear child, you are always in my heart. On my mind. Thankfully mommy gets stronger each day in life outliving her child. Stoically I continue on with my life's journey. Hoping to become a much better, brighter person each day. Inspiring, uplifting others, hopefully.

Honestly, some days are harder than others. Silently I continue to grieve. I've learned. Then I or your dad piece me (or ourselves) back together and we face the world, with a smile. With awareness.

Living and let live. Whatever my beliefs and philosophies are, actually living them myself. Not imposing "my values" on others. Being myself what I want to see in the world. Being that friend I want to have, etc. Essentially, intending to treat/respect others the way I want to be treated/respected.

Unselfishly aiming to be authentically kind, courteous, compassionate, supportive, honest, loyal...

Being a quality mother, wife, friend, neighbor and stranger is my intent each day with every breath I take. Living a conscious, purposeful life is necessary to get through without crumbling over the trivial. Being of strength and courage. Striving to be a good example to my kids.

Renal disease has not broken me. Because looking back, if I survived all these years without you, like the Sage I've gradually become in that time-span, I can sagaciously get through. Carrying on.