Since I'm beginning to doubt I have anyone in cyberspace reading my possibly boring post, so why not write about what's going on at this very moment for a feeling of a needed "release". This personal blog is a type of therapy for me, right?

I just tried to have a decent bowel movement.

Currently it is Friday, June 12th (2015), 1:23 a.m. In approximately 3 1/2 hours, I need to be up and out the door and in my dialysis chair no later than 4:45 a.m. Had a busy-fun day but I can't sleep. My eyes are heavy and itchy. As of now, I'm the only one in my home awake, as usual.

I'm wired but too fatigued to do what I use to do, [prior to Feb. 2014] which was clean -- scrub and dust an entire room in my home. Reorganize. Discard useless items. Possibly write a poem or a short story. Cuddle behind my sleepy kids. Listen to their heart beats. Caress my husband.

Dance around my living room in the nude listening to funk music or classical rock. Or go for a late night walk/run. Explore internally & externally.

My life is now, preserving and utilizing my energy wisely. As a result, I hate looking around my home at dusty, dirty or dated things. Obviously we have outgrown this place. Too poor, or more optimistically speaking, too non rich to do anything about our circumstance. Feeling real pessimistic right now.

Yeah, we can get rid of a few things, which we do. But most of the clutter are: educational tools, sports gear, musical instruments, books, yarn, containers of writing material, over sized furniture which took practically a life time to pay off (bad investment decision), I digress.

Reason why I sat at my computer to blog in the first place is because, I'm constipated.

This has been a reoccurring theme since I've been on dialysis. Before, being a hater of spending lengthy hours in a bathroom, I'd wait until it's on the edge, go, plop, wipe, wash hands, spray, I'm done. Exit the smelly closet of a place hopefully to never see it again for another few hours.

Now, my life is spent sitting in a place where I don't want to be, waiting for a miracle to happen. Pushing and squeezing what feels like an full sized child from my anus. Which causes even more fatigue to the point, I need assistance getting off the toilet. I hate being dependent!

It's like my butt hole shrunk. I can remember when I was in the hospital, nurses would constantly inquire, "Mrs....have you made #2?". Out-of-it from the frontal lobe stroke and medications administered, I had no idea what they were talking about. Til this day I can't recall any bowel movements or urine. I couldn't walk, so did I go on a bed pan? Seems like I'd remember that! My well being was totally in someone else's hands, which remains bizarre to me.

The BM process causes me to moan and groan. My family knows what's happening by my wails. I feel so frustrated. If I take meds, softeners for this, the stools become too watery or loose for my taste. If I do nothing, I have to deal with moments like this until I get a kidney, I guess.

I try to decorate my bathroom in such a way that it is inviting or cozy. But it is too small. No windows, yuck. Cluttered. Non luxurious. Boring.

Plus, I randomly began looking up topics related to my disease in order to be a better informed patient. "How Dry Weight and Fluid Gain affects dialysis patients". "Fluid Control for Kidney Patients". What I see, is discouraging. All the side effects listed. Meanwhile, I'm thirsty. Already drank over my limit, possibly. Can't even finish a soup. Or eat fruit or jello because of the fluid. Damn! Moments like these are that 10% of the  time when I feel down.

Wish I had parents to call (as my overworked husband needs his rest) like my kids have us. They can call on us anytime, for as long as there is breath in our lungs, we'll be here, there, wherever, whenever. Life's challenges seem to cause me to lament not having supportive and present parents.

Saying goes, when you know better, you do better. Truly, some people are just not equipped to love, to parent. "I'm lovable. I'm worthy". My steadfast husband proved that. And to me, this is weakness on my part. Longing for something I cannot have. For something I never had. Seemingly ungrateful for what I do have, which is far from true. All this over bowels which are struggling to move. Silly.

If only I can have a normal bowel movement. The Renal Diet, and Fluid Restrictions seem to be the culprit. I'm still too ignorant to clarify in greater detail, but not being able to consume certain things and having a machine do the work your kidneys should causes certain side effects. Sigh.

I wonder who is still urinating at my dialysis unit. Is everyone having these exhausting bowel movements? By no means is this a "Whoe is me", but damn, I get tired. I'm human!